Calling all RF "Queers"

[standing_alone]

Now that I got your attention... (Poll to follow)

Note: I'm using "queer" as an umbrella term for the various identities in the sexual minority community.

Additional Note: I placed this thread in General Discussion precisely because I don't want it to be a debate and felt it was an issue of importance enough for all to consider not to put it into the "safe," Rainbow Room subforum.

Yet Another Additional Note: To other sexual minorities (and straight allies, too): I understand I phrased this in terms of the "heterosexual/homosexual" binary, which is indeed narrow of me (I do this for sake of simplicity in phrasing), but please don't let this discourage you from participating.

One thing I often notice remarked by certain individuals in any of the bazillion threads RF has had dealing with homosexuality or homosexual rights is that homosexuals get too sensitive or emotional over "homosexual issues"--basically, as is hinted, to the point of their objections to bigotry, homophobia, heterosexism, or whatever other name you give that ignorant phantom, as being irrational or ridiculous.

I feel that those criticising the homosexual posters for their objections do not have a good understanding of where the homosexual posters are coming from or what experiences they have had that make them respond as such.

So what I want to ask the "Queer" Community at RF is:

Have you ever experienced (what you would determine) severe intimidation, be it physical intimidation, psychological intimidation, economic intimidation, etc, because of your actual (or perceived) "queerness?"

(Basically, what I mean is, have you experienced "gay bashing" in which you were either beat up or physically-threatened in some significant way, verbally-harrassed/taunted, or discriminated in the workplace or with housing, (by an individual or small group of individuals) etc.--I want to keep this thread away from discussing marriage inequality, the ENDA legislation, Don't Ask/Don't Tell, etc. if at all possible).

If you are comfortable with discribing any of your particular experiences, feel more than free to go into them, if not, the poll is private and no need to post about them. Also feel free (anyone) to comment about anything you think relevant to the topic.

I hope a discussion of this would demonstrate to those who think homosexuals are irrational or ridiculous in their responses to certain perspectives just why those homosexuals may be responding in the way they are... Probably a lot to hope for with a "gay thread."

 

[Smoke]

Apart from the legal issues, my biggest resentment is that even the most gay-positive of our relatives have found it necessary to "protect" their children from our bad influence, and as a result we have rather distant relationships with both the older and the younger generations of our families, and this is blamed on us.

However, it's been so long ago -- and, I guess, so unpleasant to remember -- that I had nearly forgotten it, but yes, I have been beaten up for being a "***." When I was younger, I was short and thin and something of an easy mark, and I was taunted as a "***" and beaten up more times than I can remember. Funny, I almost said no, but I stepped away from the computer for a few minutes, and while I was away, I remembered, "Wait! Yes I have!" It's odd to realize how nearly I had blocked out the memory.

 

[standing_alone]

Thank you for your post, Bill!

I experienced some similar things, too. When I was with my now ex-girlfriend, I was instructed that I was not to be in any way affectionate towards her around her friend's (who was also a lesbian) little brother because her mother feared their son being exposed to same-sex affection would somehow adversely affect him. I obeyed it out of simple respect--it's their house, not mine.

The worst I probably experienced was in junior high, due to my perceived orientation (I wasn't "out" back in those days and was really still in denial myself). I would get called "dyke" occassionally or, more frequently, asked by someone, with a disgusted tone of course, "Are you a lesbian?" Of which I of course denied. "Hell no, dykes are gross" (I became homophobic as a defense). The worst was, at one point in 8th grade, some people decided that me sitting at a table alone wasn't enough, but that what I needed in addition to this other stuff was to have food and anything else on hand thrown at me--after that, I just found places to hide in the school and to avoid the cafeteria during lunch period (which was against school rules and I eventually got an office referrel for). This experience, while being closeted, makes me all the more cautious about how "out and in the open" I am. Offline, I am "out" to very few people because I don't feel like putting myself through more of this kind of crap. Cowardly, I know.

 

[Sunstone]

This is nothing at all like what you've gone through, Bill, but growing up, I used to be periodically ostracized by my classmates in some part because I so often had the "wrong" opinions about things. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. And, once, I was asked if I hated someone because they were a queer. When I said I didn't hate him, the kids who'd asked found that very strange and decided I was no longer much fun to be with. That lasted a good couple of months, but I didn't mind because I was used to being ostracized for one thing or another.

The guy they asked me about -- I forget his name now -- he had it a whole lot worse than I ever did. I don't think he had a friend in town. And since he was known to be homosexual, he was the target of violence. He'd go to the movies, but would leave before the ending in order to avoid being attacked when the movie let out.

 

[Smoke]

This is nothing at all like what you've gone through, Bill, but growing up, I used to be periodically ostracized by my classmates in some part because I so often had the "wrong" opinions about things. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. And, once, I was asked if I hated someone because they were a queer. When I said I didn't hate him, the kids who'd asked found that very strange and decided I was no longer much fun to be with. That lasted a good couple of months, but I didn't mind because I was used to being ostracized for one thing or another.

The guy they asked me about -- I forget his name now -- he had it a whole lot worse than I ever did. I don't think he had a friend in town. And since he was known to be homosexual, he was the target of violence. He'd go to the movies, but would leave before the ending in order to avoid being attacked when the movie let out.

I'll bet he remembers you, though. I remember very well who the handful of kids who were kind to me were.

 

[exl2398]

Yes, but I don't really wish to relive it, so no details.

 

[exl2398]

Thank you for your post, Bill!

I experienced some similar things, too. When I was with my now ex-girlfriend, I was instructed that I was not to be in any way affectionate towards her around her friend's (who was also a lesbian) little brother because her mother feared their son being exposed to same-sex affection would somehow adversely affect him. I obeyed it out of simple respect--it's their house, not mine.

The worst I probably experienced was in junior high, due to my perceived orientation (I wasn't "out" back in those days and was really still in denial myself). I would get called "dyke" occassionally or, more frequently, asked by someone, with a disgusted tone of course, "Are you a lesbian?" Of which I of course denied. "Hell no, dykes are gross" (I became homophobic as a defense). The worst was, at one point in 8th grade, some people decided that me sitting at a table alone wasn't enough, but that what I needed in addition to this other stuff was to have food and anything else on hand thrown at me--after that, I just found places to hide in the school and to avoid the cafeteria during lunch period (which was against school rules and I eventually got an office referrel for). This experience, while being closeted, makes me all the more cautious about how "out and in the open" I am. Offline, I am "out" to very few people because I don't feel like putting myself through more of this kind of crap. Cowardly, I know.

Man. That brings back memories of hiding in the bathroom or library archives, where no self-respecting high school idiot would be caught.

 

[Storm]

Yes, but I don't really wish to relive it, so no details.

same.

 

[cardero]

I used to get picked upon because people perceived me as being homosexual. I didn’t date in school or even go out with a girl until my late 20’s and many of the female friends that I did encourage didn’t let things get to intimate because they thought I was homosexual just because I did not make a pass at them or initiate any romantic passes (so much for being respectful). I never got into any physical skirmishes over this misunderstanding (I was way too large a teenager for people to try that) but I never could equate my disinterest in dating or going out with girls for others to automatically conclude that I was homosexual. Looking back on these events, it has helped to form my understanding about people and their sexual and non-sexual preferences. It has helped me to learn that there are not any tell-tale signs or reasons to label or conclude someone homosexual or heterosexual and that no matter what their sexuality choices turn out to be, it is nothing to base an opinion on them as a person or how they treat me or what they mean to my life.

 

[Don Penguinoini]

I have at school. But they dont actually mean you really like boys, its a way to cuss someone, if your gay, your withought freinds in my area, thats why boys need me for "resources"

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

I'm straight, but hopefully you won't mind me adding something to the discussion:

One of my school friends committed suicide several years ago. I had lost touch with him around grade 8 when he and his family moved away (to Botswana, where he came out... I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for him to do that), and I saw him occasionally when he and his family moved back a few years later. He had major difficulties with his family after he came out to them, and I'm fairly certain that this was a major factor in his decision to end his life.

It's not direct physical violence, I know, but seeing as how other people's behaviour towards him because of his orientation played a role in his death, I think it's relevant.

 

[standing_alone]

I'm straight, but hopefully you won't mind me adding something to the discussion:

One of my school friends committed suicide several years ago. I had lost touch with him around grade 8 when he and his family moved away (to Botswana, where he came out... I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for him to do that), and I saw him occasionally when he and his family moved back a few years later. He had major difficulties with his family after he came out to them, and I'm fairly certain that this was a major factor in his decision to end his life.

It's not direct physical violence, I know, but seeing as how other people's behaviour towards him because of his orientation played a role in his death, I think it's relevant.

How tragic.

I certainly think that story is relevant; it is undeniable that various forms of intimidation he faced resulted in his opting for suicide. That's the furthest I'll comment on this situation, as (a) it speaks for itself and (b) out of respect for the young man in question, as he is a stranger to me. It's always sad how many people, especially young people, find suicide as the best solution to their problems, but I digress...

Thank you for sharing this, though. Anyone and everyone, regardless of orientation/identity, who feels they have something of relevance to add is encouraged to participate.

 

[Nanda]

No... I'm incredibly lucky, actually. My family is very accepting of homosexuality; I'm bisexual, as is my younger sister, and my best friend in HS was (and still is ) a lesbian. We never experienced any real negativity in HS or college, either. We live in a very liberal area, though, with a large gay population. I know it's out there, but we've never experienced it first hand.

 

[Sunstone]

I'll bet he remembers you, though. I remember very well who the handful of kids who were kind to me were.

I wish, but our paths didn't really cross. He was older than me by at least four years, and I never had an opportunity to show him any kindness. All I did is tell some of my classmates that I didn't hate the gay kid simply because he was a queer. They in turn told me that if I didn't hate queers, that must mean I was one myself, and then proceeded to ostracize me for a couple months. No one offered to fight me over it. Perhaps that was because I was the most experienced fighter in the middle school, and nearly the strongest.

In that town, the gay kid was infamous. He was the only gay who was out. If I can remember the story, he fell in love with someone. When he professed his love to that person -- who I think I heard was his best friend -- that kid immediately turned on him and outed him to the whole community. Of course, being outed like that set him up to be mocked, scorned, and terrorized. He wasn't a big kid.

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

It's always sad how many people, especially young people, find suicide as the best solution to their problems, but I digress...

I agree, and personally, I can't imagine any situation where suicide would be the best option, but I realize I haven't been in every situation.

 

[GayAtheist]

I have been very lucky in the respect of not having to put with much homophobia, but especially no gay bashing.

However, while growing up (especially around 16 years of age) my defense mechanism was to be homophobic. Thinking about it now, it was bloody awful what I used to say to protect myself. However, many of my friends saw through this, and many guessed through my apparent over-the-top homophobia that I was indeed gay. This in turn made it easier when I did come out and most were supportive, some shocked, but none were negative, which was great for me.

Also, without being stereotypical, I am a "lover, not a fighter", so will very fight my way out of any confrontation with words rather than actions, have found this much more effective in combatting any potential homophobia attacks (whether physical, verbal or mental).

My family have always been supportive to me as well, as we are a very laid back and open-minded family. This is where I have been lucky compared to many. And to those, I feel sorry. Unable to express themselves comfortably and openly is a travesty against humanity and individuality.

As a society, I hope we can become more tolerant of the things in life we don't understand. :rainbow1:

 

[Francine]

I used to get picked upon because people perceived me as being homosexual. I didn’t date in school or even go out with a girl until my late 20’s...

Good for you, some of my brothers have to pay half their wages in child support to girls they boinked and got prego without even thinking there was consequences. A generation ago fathers could move across the state line, maintain their job and friends, and never pay a cent.

 

[Mike182]

yep, nigh on constantly beaten and taunted through school, and thrown into big garbage cans on one occasion.

ostracised in my own family and at home, then at church, the only ones who didn't react against me were my close friends and a few select teachers who talked about it with me.

 

[Storm]

yep, nigh on constantly beaten and taunted through school, and thrown into big garbage cans on one occasion.

ostracised in my own family and at home, then at church, the only ones who didn't react against me were my close friends and a few select teachers who talked about it with me.

:kissbette :hug:

 

[BUDDY]

I feel for all of those that had to deal with abuse. A rumor that I was homosexual was started when I was in Junior High School. I am not sure, but I think it was because this girl liked me and I didn't return her interests. I had a girlfriend at a different school at the time. Anyway, the rumor was started and I was confronted by three guys and they pretty much jumped me. I didn't have much of a chance. Broke my collar bone, busted my nose and chipped a tooth. I got a few good licks in though to the point that they didn't bother me anymore. If I hear the name "queer" or "******" or any one of the many other derogatory terms used to describe someone, I become quite irrate now.

Anyway, that is my little story and I am not even gay. I can't imagine the hell that someone who is, goes through sometimes. I am sorry.