Child free?

[illykitty]

How do you view people who chose to not have any children?

Is there a social stigma in your culture about it?

What about your religion or lack of?

Some people regret not having children but some also regret having them... Perhaps not everyone is fit to have them.

When I was younger, I thought I'd have one child, because that's the norm, to have children. Years went by and I still don't find babies cute and still no desire whatsoever. I am approaching my mid 20's and my husband is in his late 20's.

People in my family often ask when children are coming into the picture and when I reply I do not want them, looks of confusion are thrown at me. Or worse still, I get the answer "you're still young, you've still have yet to be hit with the desire".

Online, I've seen the debate on both sides. Neither seems to respect the other. And since we're on these forums, religions often encourage to have children, often implied many. And people who have no desire of it, are seen as horrible selfish beings.

But I wonder, is not having children so selfish? What about ecologically, financially or even mental capacity? I have been diagnosed with social phobia and depression, hardly function in society, would bringing a child into this context be a good choice? I am convinced that it wouldn't.

I think people shouldn't judge others for either decision. It is a huge commitment that asks lifelong dedication and maybe some people are not suitable for the job. Children in such an environment would perhaps suffer - and I'm not taking of necessarily needs but also feeling loved. I know because I experienced it first hand and never want to put a child through it.

Your thoughts?

 

[Caladan]

I am almost the last of my friends without children or newly borns. The only other two I can think of are bachelors.
My wife and I are sitting on the fence as it were. Many babies really can **** me off, however my sister's baby rocks so much he gives me a fresh perspective. I never see him cry, as babies goes he is amazingly comfortable, and yes he is very cute.
I try to take everything into consideration... do I really want to rob myself of the chance to express my fatherly qualities which I definitely have? what about when I get older, having adult children would be very different then and their company can be a blessing. Things like that. But really at the moment the thought of taking care of babies is something I'm having a hard time accepting. Financially are situation is good at the moment, having kids will make it more complicated, our entire life would look different, all the attention we have for each other would shift to the baby, and so on.
This is the time window for us to have a baby, because my wife is several years older than me.

In our culture people get married and have children. They might do it when they are more older today, but it is still the norm. When I look at my wife's French culture and her family I can see the cultural differences. Divorce seems more common for them, being unmarried in later years as well, etc.

 

[Alceste]

We don't have kids or plan to have them. I thought I might when I was in my twenties but had a serious think about it in my early thirties. I realized this planet doesn't need and can't sustain any more people. Therefore, it would be ethically wrong to make more people.

I'm great with kids, and love them, but I'm not prepared to add to the population.

We may decide at some point to care for some of the people that are already here, but neither of us can see the point of making more.

For my mother's sake, I hope my brother has kids. She is desperate to be a grandmother and hassles me all the time. I find it offensive, to be honest. I thought I might lie to her and tell her I'm barren so she'll stop bringing it up.

 

[Gaura Priya]

I have no idea if I desire to have children or not. Frankly, I'm also terrible with children, but they always say it is different when you have your own child!

My current significant other, however, does not want to have children. Even the thought of foster care or adoption would still be some sort of child rearing. :/

In Christianity, liberal Christians generally do not produce as many children as the more conservative ones. My partner's religion, Unitarian Universalism, also falls along liberal lines. I suppose that the more liberal-minded ones do not have the social hang-ups that cultural groups still have regarding family continuity.

Especially when the continuation of the species is so ingrained in us culturally, religiously, societally, and even hormonally! I find that adoption or foster care are more ethical in being able to have children without adding to the world population. However, I wish that my current partner and I would be financially equipped to deal with those hardships!

Gone are the times of single-income families. Imagine a world of single-income, straight and same-sex families!

 

[McBell]

How do you view people who chose to not have any children?

Some days...blessed.
Other days...cursed.

Is there a social stigma in your culture about it?

Not that I am aware of.

What about your religion or lack of?

To each there own.

Personally, i would rather people who do not want to have children not have them.

Some people regret not having children but some also regret having them... Perhaps not everyone is fit to have them.

When I was younger, I thought I'd have one child, because that's the norm, to have children. Years went by and I still don't find babies cute and still no desire whatsoever. I am approaching my mid 20's and my husband is in his late 20's.

People in my family often ask when children are coming into the picture and when I reply I do not want them, looks of confusion are thrown at me. Or worse still, I get the answer "you're still young, you've still have yet to be hit with the desire".

Some people are not capable of seeing things outside their own views, beliefs, feelings, etc.

Online, I've seen the debate on both sides. Neither seems to respect the other. And since we're on these forums, religions often encourage to have children, often implied many. And people who have no desire of it, are seen as horrible selfish beings.

People in general tend to judge others.
Seems to me it is human nature.

But I wonder, is not having children so selfish? What about ecologically, financially or even mental capacity? I have been diagnosed with social phobia and depression, hardly function in society, would bringing a child into this context be a good choice? I am convinced that it wouldn't.

I recon it depends on the reason why they do not wish to have children.
For someone who does not want children simply because it would interfere in their current life, i can see the selfish.
However, I know more than one couple who do not want to have children to save the children from their disastrous parenting.

I think people shouldn't judge others for either decision. It is a huge commitment that asks lifelong dedication and maybe some people are not suitable for the job. Children in such an environment would perhaps suffer - and I'm not taking of necessarily needs but also feeling loved. I know because I experienced it first hand and never want to put a child through it.

This is one of the reasons I personally feel that people who do not want children should not have them.

 

[Secret Chief]

I went to see Simon Evans, an excellent comedian last night. Part of his routine was about having children (he has two). He asked why ruin a happy relationship by running an expensive child correctional facility?

 

[BSM1]

Children-no Children? That's a jump ball. However, grandchildren are definitely worth the stretch. A friend of mine says that grandchildren are your reward for not strangling your own kids. This is so true. Of course the only problem with grandchildren is you have to have your own demons (or angels) first.

 

[Quintessence]

People who don't have children are heroes.

 

[Terrywoodenpic]

I think it hard for those of us that have children and grand children, to imagine not having them.
However The world would be a better place with less people in it. Humans use a disproportionate proportion of the worlds resources than any other creatures and we cause more harm to the environment that sustains all life.
I am sure it is no part of God's plan that we destroy the living world by weight of uncontrolled numbers.
It is time we got used to the Idea of not every one reproducing.

 

[Vinayaka]

I think society in general is getting better at this. The generation before mine, 9parents of baby boomers) seemed more adamant. Now, for most people, I think its fine. Of course there are exceptions. We have 5 kids. Two have opted out of parenthood, one has 2 kids, and the other two remain undecided. We're good with all of it.

 

[Maija]

How do you view people who chose to not have any children?

Is there a social stigma in your culture about it?

What about your religion or lack of?

Some people regret not having children but some also regret having them... Perhaps not everyone is fit to have them.

When I was younger, I thought I'd have one child, because that's the norm, to have children. Years went by and I still don't find babies cute and still no desire whatsoever. I am approaching my mid 20's and my husband is in his late 20's.

People in my family often ask when children are coming into the picture and when I reply I do not want them, looks of confusion are thrown at me. Or worse still, I get the answer "you're still young, you've still have yet to be hit with the desire".

Online, I've seen the debate on both sides. Neither seems to respect the other. And since we're on these forums, religions often encourage to have children, often implied many. And people who have no desire of it, are seen as horrible selfish beings.

But I wonder, is not having children so selfish? What about ecologically, financially or even mental capacity? I have been diagnosed with social phobia and depression, hardly function in society, would bringing a child into this context be a good choice? I am convinced that it wouldn't.

I think people shouldn't judge others for either decision. It is a huge commitment that asks lifelong dedication and maybe some people are not suitable for the job. Children in such an environment would perhaps suffer - and I'm not taking of necessarily needs but also feeling loved. I know because I experienced it first hand and never want to put a child through it.

Your thoughts?

thats how i always felt, having been told i couldnlt have kids i was very happy. when we did miraculously conceive, i was 10 weeks preg when i found out- shocked and depressed for weeks. certainly wasnt going to abort, my biggest fear realized gave me greatest happiness. i now no longer over plan, God is the best of planners...however i am on bcp bc financially it wld ruin us if we had anothr now. but its made me fearless in a healthy sense.

 

[Musty]

Me and my fiance currently have no desire to have children partly because we just don't like them (With the exception of our nieces) and also we're not ready to accept the loss of freedom and responsibility which comes with having a children.

I'm getting married soon and I'm constantly being asked when we'll be having children and when respond with 'we're not' they just think I'm being silly and tell me that I will. I have no issue with people choosing to have children (Except where they aren't fit to be parents but that's a separate issue) so I don't understand why they are so concerned about my choice.

Neither myself or my partner are religious and in the area of the UK where I live while you get a few religious people it's not a major part of the background culture, more of a personal choice thing.

 

[ron4711]

Wrong reasons to have a child:
1. It is expected by my (fill in the blank)
2. Tax deduction
3. Oops
4. I need someone to take care of me when I'm old
5. I'm lonely
6. My life is without meaning
7. I love being pregnant
8. All my friends are having children

Anything else?

 

[dawny0826]

How do you view people who chose to not have any children?

I don't really assume anything about people who choose not to have children.

Is there a social stigma in your culture about it?

Stereotypical molds are being broken. There isn't necessarily a social expectation for one to have children, though there are people who still stereotype women and have personal expectations of others.

I think society tends to attach negative stigmas to those who have children and can't properly and resopnsibly care for them over those who cannot have children for whatever reason or make the decision not to rear children.

What about your religion or lack of?

My religion really didn't influence my opinions regarding those who don't have children.

Some people regret not having children but some also regret having them... Perhaps not everyone is fit to have them.

I agree. Not everyone is fit to parent and it's ideal when this is recognized before reproducing.

Parenting is a life long journey. It's full of trial by error, lessons, mistakes, triumphs, tears, laughter, hugs, joy, pain, etc. People are complex. Therefore, the parent/child dynamic is no less complex.

When I was younger, I thought I'd have one child, because that's the norm, to have children. Years went by and I still don't find babies cute and still no desire whatsoever. I am approaching my mid 20's and my husband is in his late 20's.

Not finding babies cute certainly doesn't suggest that you woudn't be an amazing mother, illykitty. Babies can be damn ugly and irritating. We don't become parents to snuggle little bundles of cute. We become parents to extend our family and raise a healthy, productive, nurtured person into adulthood who can hopefully self sustain and make a difference in this world - make us proud and in the process touch the lives of others.

It's okay not to want to have kids. But, you could also change your mind and that would be okay too.

People in my family often ask when children are coming into the picture and when I reply I do not want them, looks of confusion are thrown at me. Or worse still, I get the answer "you're still young, you've still have yet to be hit with the desire".

You can't fault others for their desires. It's natural for parents, grandparents, etc. to hope for an extension in the family. Younger generations are breaking years of stereotypes and expectations. I doubt future generations will feel as pressured to reproduce.

And there's truth to what's being said. You may still in your life, find yourself "hit with the desire" to become a parent. It doesn't take much to change our views and feelings. I'm 34. My youngest child is eight years old and I am a totally different person now than I was eight-ten years ago.

If you don't want kids...that's fine. Smile and brush it off when family make such comments.

Online, I've seen the debate on both sides. Neither seems to respect the other. And since we're on these forums, religions often encourage to have children, often implied many. And people who have no desire of it, are seen as horrible selfish beings.".

It feels this way to you because you're in your twenties and you don't have children and you have family that questions you about kids. But, society at large is burdened quite heavily by those who are rearing children that they didn't plan for and can't afford. So, if this isn't what you desire...you shouldn't feel pressured and you really shouldn't sweat what you feel other people might think about you.

But I wonder, is not having children so selfish? What about ecologically, financially or even mental capacity? I have been diagnosed with social phobia and depression, hardly function in society, would bringing a child into this context be a good choice? I am convinced that it wouldn't.

I think people shouldn't judge others for either decision. It is a huge commitment that asks lifelong dedication and maybe some people are not suitable for the job. Children in such an environment would perhaps suffer - and I'm not taking of necessarily needs but also feeling loved. I know because I experienced it first hand and never want to put a child through it.

I agree with you.

What's horribly selfish is bringing a child into this world, when you aren't ready to be a parent and cannot provide that child with the love, support and care that he/she requires.

Acknowledging that parenthood might not be for you isn't selfish in the slightest.
More people should follow your example. You're thinking. You care. This is far from selfish behavior.

 

[Vinayaka]

Whatever happened to ... "Hey, it's really none of your business." Why do people think they have any input into how someone else decides to live?

Next time someone says, "You should _________ ...." without you initially asking for some advice, you should just reply, "and you should just shut up."

Not just with this child thing, but with life ... "Seriously, like who in God's name appointed you as my life adviser?" I end 'friendships' with people like this.

 

[illykitty]

thats how i always felt, having been told i couldnlt have kids i was very happy. when we did miraculously conceive, i was 10 weeks preg when i found out- shocked and depressed for weeks. certainly wasnt going to abort, my biggest fear realized gave me greatest happiness. i now no longer over plan, God is the best of planners...however i am on bcp bc financially it wld ruin us if we had anothr now. but its made me fearless in a healthy sense.

Oh yeah I completely understand such a situation. I'm pro-choice (because I don't believe in enforcing my morality on others) but personally I'm not sure I could make the decision to abort or not. It's a good thing I'm not having to face that.

I don't know about my own fertility, some people in the family had issues but my mom hasn't (was pregnant with me on the first try) and my grand-mother definitely not (I have 11! uncles and aunts). SO... I'm on birth control.

I see some of the advantages of having a child but honestly the disadvantages and the fear I have of making his/her life miserable trumps any advantages to me.

Thanks for the answers so far, got some good replies!

 

[Shadow Wolf]

I don't want them. My family is upset about it, but they aren't the ones who would be dealing with it. I also only have one friend left who doesn't have any, and he has only actually dated one or two girls for very briefly.
I may decide to adopt one day, as I do want to be able to hopefully pass my knowledge and love of art to someone, and so the things like the vinyls and Victrola are being used and enjoyed and not just sitting in a museum (or worse, tossed out by someone who doesn't know what they are), and there are plenty of kids out there who need a home.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

People who don't have children are heroes.

Why is that?

 

[Draka]

I don't think it is anyone's business who does and does not have children, whatever the reasons. I think it exceptionally rude when people have the gall to even comment on others not having children as if it is expected of them to pop them out. If people choose not to have kids, that's their choice and it is rude for people to but in and question that choice, but even more so offensive I think, because some people cannot have children and may want children and have tried and it becomes heartbreaking to be constantly reminded of that fact. My aunt couldn't have children, wanted them badly, saw all her brothers and sisters have kids, held their babies and cried all the while hearing extended relatives asking her constantly when she was going to have kids. People have no business asking such questions.

 

[Wherenextcolumbus]

I don't want to have children. I don't want to be pregnant and give birth...especially the giving birth part, just no!
I also don't want to work less hours so I can pick a child up from school and I don't want to wake up earlier to get them ready for school.
I don't want a boy, I don't want a girl and quite frankly they would probably get bullied for having me as a parent because I would let them do whatever...and my son would end up going to school with lipstick on. And I'll be the "bad parent" for not making them fit in.
I don't see how this is selfish, we are talking about a non existent person for gods sake, how can I be selfish about someone who isn't here?