Dear Revoltingest

[Shermana]

Dear Socially Seeking,
Thank you for your party oriented question. But I lack sufficient background information to offer advice.
Have you a person you're dating or married to? Do you want to go out & socialize, or are you a homebody?
My readers are intrigued.

I'm a Single homebody, dashingly handsome of course, but fed up with shallow and materialistic women, i.e. 95% of the female population. Factor in religious restrictions on physicality. As you can tell, this rather limits my dating selection. But at the same time, I'm contemplating remaining celibate as well.

Maybe I should just keep going to the gym on the weekends.

 

[Revoltingest]

I'm a Single homebody, dashingly handsome of course, but fed up with shallow and materialistic women, i.e. 95% of the female population. Factor in religious restrictions on physicality. As you can tell, this rather limits my dating selection. But at the same time, I'm contemplating remaining celibate as well.
Maybe I should just keep going to the gym on the weekends.

Dear Socially Seeking,
Thank you for the additional information about your circumstances. I recommend that you design a deliberate & methodical campaign to meet womenfolk.
You could list all activities which interest you, & which would offer women of the type you would like to meet. This will offer you the opportunity to enjoy
life to its fullest by doing what you would naturally do, & without undue stress, even if it takes a while to meet Mrs Right.....or Mrs Left (if this applies).
Sincerely,
Revoltingest

 

[savagewind]

Master Revoltingest,

Who am I?
I am beginning to wonder if I am in a nightmare. How do I know if I am not?

Yours truly

 

[Revoltingest]

Master Revoltingest,
Who am I?
I am beginning to wonder if I am in a nightmare. How do I know if I am not?
Yours truly

Dear reader,
Thank you for your deep question. Were you a nightmare, this would only be from someone else's perspective, eg, an ex-husband
paying alimony, child support & your house payments. But from your own perspective, you are a sentient being whom we know as
Savagewind. You know this because you have the wisdom to accept that I said so.
Sincerely,
Revoltingest

 

[savagewind]

Dear reader,
Thank you for your deep question. Were you a nightmare, this would only be from someone else's perspective, eg, an ex-husband
paying alimony, child support & your house payments. But from your own perspective, you are a sentient being whom we know as
Savagewind. You know this because you have the wisdom to accept that I said so.
Sincerely,
Revoltingest

Thank you. How much do I owe you?

 

[Revoltingest]

Thank you. How much do I owe you?

Dear reader,
You are paid in full by the mere act of gracing me with your question.
Sincerely,
Revoltingest

 

[savagewind]

No bacon?

 

[Revoltingest]

No bacon?

Dear reader,
Please observe the thread's protocol regarding the salutation.
Bacon abounds in some places, but suffers from a paucity in others.
Sincerely,
Revoltingest

 

[Shermana]

Dear Socially Seeking,
Thank you for the additional information about your circumstances. I recommend that you design a deliberate & methodical campaign to meet womenfolk.
You could list all activities which interest you, & which would offer women of the type you would like to meet. This will offer you the opportunity to enjoy
life to its fullest by doing what you would naturally do, & without undue stress, even if it takes a while to meet Mrs Right.....or Mrs Left (if this applies).
Sincerely,
Revoltingest

A methodical campaign to meet women, eh...?

Hmmm, I should start planning on organizing my own Miss USA like how Trump does it....great idea! Maybe I'll make one specifically for gymnasts. I guess shallow and materialistic women aren't so bad after all when they're 10s.

 

[Revoltingest]

A methodical campaign to meet women, eh...?
Hmmm, I should start planning on organizing my own Miss USA like how Trump does it....great idea! Maybe I'll make one specifically for gymnasts. I guess shallow and materialistic women aren't so bad after all when they're 10s.

Dear Socially Seeking,
It is good to broaden your horizons by considering greater diversity in women, since it increases your chances
to find a partner. But remember that some beautiful objects lose their luster when they become audible.
Sincerely,
Revoltingest

 

[4consideration]

Dear Revoltingest,

Is it normal for one's husband of many years to take in and let out a deep breath while looking toward the heavens at the mere mention of one's desire to share one's feelings or one's new insight about about life? (Even manly men like to talk about life and feelings, too. Right?)

I think that's my husband's way of expressing appreciation for my special personality quirks and letting me know that after all these years I still take his breath away. But, I just wanted to see what you think. How can I be sure it's not what everyone else means when they do that?

Interested

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,
Is it normal for one's husband of many years to take in and let out a deep breath while looking toward the heavens at the mere mention of one's desire to share one's feelings or one's new insight about about life? (Even manly men like to talk about life and feelings, too. Right?)
I think that's my husband's way of expressing appreciation for my special personality quirks and letting me know that after all these years I still take his breath away. But, I just wanted to see what you think. How can I be sure it's not what everyone else means when they do that?
Interested

Dear Interested,
Thank you for your question about the complexities & mysteries of marital matters. Real men loathe showing or talking about feelings,
unless it's about feeling hungry, horny or angry. His breathing is non-verbal communication that he's exasperated with the conversation.
He'd also like a sandwich.
Sincerely,
Revoltingest

 

[DreadFish]

Dear Revoltingest,

I noticed an advertisement for your column in another thread and decided to take a look.
I was surprised to find that it hadn't been updated in several months.
Is this due to your drop in ratings?
Im not sure what to think about this, please advise.

Signed,
Sadbuttrue

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,

I noticed an advertisement for your column in another thread and decided to take a look.
I was surprised to find that it hadn't been updated in several months.
Is this due to your drop in ratings?
Im not sure what to think about this, please advise.

Signed,
Sadbuttrue

Dear Sadbuttrue,
Thank you, dear reader, for you inquiry & concern about my relevance. There are several possibilities:
- I've solved all problems for our fellow posters in need.
- My advice has been of such low quality that interest has waned.
- Still interested posters have been distracted by more novel threads.

Whatever the reason, I stand ready to serve all those seeking advice on any problem.
Sincerely,
Revoltingest

 

[BSM1]

Dear Revlotingest,

How would handle a family member who insists in talking in limericks? We can't just ignore him because he's the only one in the family with a pick-up truck that runs and we are constantly moving from trailer to trailer.

Signed,
No rhyme nor reason.

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revlotingest,

How would handle a family member who insists in talking in limericks? We can't just ignore him because he's the only one in the family with a pick-up truck that runs and we are constantly moving from trailer to trailer.

Signed,
No rhyme nor reason.

Dear No Rhyme Or Reason,
Thank you for sharing your vexations of verse with my readers. You should consider how important limericizing is to the person relative to how annoying it is to you, & how valuable a running truck is to the family. Perhaps the dispenser of doggerel will reduce the limerick frequency, or perhaps you might decide that it is a small price to pay for vehicular liberty. I had briefly considered the new pharmaceutical product, Limerex, which is to rhymers what Anabuse is to alcoholics, but then that would be......Bazinga! You may now picture me in paroxysms of repressed laughter.
Sincerely (mostly),
Revoltingest

 

[Draka]

Dear Revoltingest,

I can't find my pants. This troubles me as without them I can't go outside and finish the yardwork. You, as a great groundskeeper must know how this vexes me. The weed whacking needs done and I still have branches that I have to trim back. Where are my pants?

Pants-less in Iowa

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,

I can't find my pants. This troubles me as without them I can't go outside and finish the yardwork. You, as a great groundskeeper must know how this vexes me. The weed whacking needs done and I still have branches that I have to trim back. Where are my pants?

Pants-less in Iowa

Dear Pants-less in Iowa,
Thank you for not just your query, but also for the image it conjures. (The flesh is less willing, but the mind is still active.) I do not know where your pants are, other than the general observation that they likely where you last left them. Have you consulted family members who might've moved them or perpetrated a pants themed prank? Have you another pair to don until the errant ones reappear? As a last resort if you are truly sans pants, you might try shorts or a swimsuit, being careful to avoid poison ivy or discomforting leers of neighbors & passers by.

I too am keeping grounds in between posts....transplanting trees, pulling weeds, organizing equipment. You & I both share the joy of mastering our verdant domains. May you return to it soon.
Sincerely,
Revoltingest

 

[Draka]

Dear Pants-less in Iowa,
Thank you for not just your query, but also for the image it conjures. (The flesh is less willing, but the mind is still active.) I do not know where your pants are, other than the general observation that they likely where you last left them. Have you consulted family members who might've moved them or perpetrated a pants themed prank? Have you another pair to don until the errant ones reappear? As a last resort if you are truly sans pants, you might try shorts or a swimsuit, being careful to avoid poison ivy or discomforting leers of neighbors & passers by.

I too am keeping grounds in between posts....transplanting trees, pulling weeds, organizing equipment. You & I both share the joy of mastering our verdant domains. May you return to it soon.
Sincerely,
Revoltingest

Dear Revoltingest,

Thank you for your suggestions. I am going to check with family members to see if anyone moved them. I have one particular pair of heavy jeans I prefer to wear while doing mowing and weed whacking and the like. Especially the weed whacking as our trimmer's guard recently broke. I simply will not do the chore in shorts as I don't feel like getting my bare legs whipped with flying bits of grass and weeds. I'm sure you understand.

Pants-less in Iowa (still)

 

[xkatz]

Dear Revoltingest,

If a tree falls and there is no one present to hear it, would I be at risk for contracting the Bubonic plague? If so, could the local Siberian shaman cure it?

Love,
xKatz