Dear Revoltingest

[4consideration]

Dear Revoltingest,

Thank you for the wonderful advice that you have given me. I am in awe of your depth of understanding and clarity of sight.

I realize that you are in possession of the wisdom of the ages. I, myself, have been also told that I am full of IT.

I would love to share the gift of giving advice. I do not like to take it. That just seems wrong and selfish. Can you guide me in the proper way of developing and sharing this advice giving skill that you wield so adroitly? Step by step instructions would be greatly appreciated, although probably not followed.

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,
Thank you for the wonderful advice that you have given me. I am in awe of your depth of understanding and clarity of sight.
I realize that you are in possession of the wisdom of the ages. I, myself, have been also told that I am full of IT.
I would love to share the gift of giving advice. I do not like to take it. That just seems wrong and selfish. Can you guide me in the proper way of developing and sharing this advice giving skill that you wield so adroitly? Step by step instructions would be greatly appreciated, although probably not followed.

Dear reader,
Thank you for your keen interest in my noble avocation.
Tis a long & difficult road to starting one's own advice column.
First, I had to create this thread. And then I answered queries.
May you prosper as you solve mankind's ills by saying sooth.

 

[Debater Slayer]

Dear Revoltifarian citizen,

My new spouse doesn't seem to have any interest in conversing with me at all, nor does she ever move or engage in any activities. She also never asks for money, which worries me that she is apathetic towards life.

Here is a picture of her for reference:

What do you suggest I do to revive my relationship with her?

Sincerely,

The Fire Hydrant Savior

 

[Me Myself]

Dear Revoltifarian citizen,

My new spouse doesn't seem to have any interest in conversing with me at all, nor does she ever move or engage in any activities. She also never asks for money, which worries me that she is apathetic towards life.

Here is a picture of her for reference:

What do you suggest I do to revive my relationship with her?

Sincerely,

The Fire Hydrant Savior

...I can´t help notice the tatoo above her three boobs (with their respective nipples) and under the fourth. Is Kenedy no longer part of her life?

I also notice she is into the kinky pircing and chain stuff... Maybe she is trying to communicate something to you with that?

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltifarian citizen,
My new spouse doesn't seem to have any interest in conversing with me at all, nor does she ever move or engage in any activities. She also never asks for money, which worries me that she is apathetic towards life.
Here is a picture of her for reference:

What do you suggest I do to revive my relationship with her?
Sincerely,
The Fire Hydrant Savior

Dear reader,
Thank you for the picture of your lovely wife. But I regret that I must inform you that you have a serious neurological disorder.
Your wife is a fire hydrant. Much like the eponymous patient in Oliver Sack's book, "The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat",
you are coping with the loss of vision related brain function. Learned posters might protest that Mr Sacks spared his subject a
diagnosis in the interest of bliss. But I prefer candor. Please seek professional help. Best wishes, & get well soon.

Btw, you're a newlywed, & might not know the basics of a good relationship. Do not bring up her stout figure. Women hate that.

 

[DreadFish]

Dear Revoltingest,

I always read your name as RevoltingGeist, but with the Gs combined so there's only 1 G instead of 2 Gs, and the "geist" part like the German thing and Zeitgeist. What is the proper reading of your name so that I may properly read it when reading your posts and addressing you? Is it like as in "he's the revoltingest person I ever met", as in "the most revolting"?

I am a bit confused and distressed because of said confusion (mentioned at the beginning of this sentence).


I dont know how to properly end this letter,
Dreadfish

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,
I always read your name as RevoltingGeist, but with the Gs combined so there's only 1 G instead of 2 Gs, and the "geist" part like the German thing and Zeitgeist. What is the proper reading of your name so that I may properly read it when reading your posts and addressing you? Is it like as in "he's the revoltingest person I ever met", as in "the most revolting"?
I am a bit confused and distressed because of said confusion (mentioned at the beginning of this sentence).
I dont know how to properly end this letter,
Dreadfish

Dear reader,
Let me allay your confusion. I am the most revolting. Hence I am "Revoltingest".
The form of your letter was most concise & proper. Others should take notice.

 

[Shermana]

Dear Revoltingest,

It seems I'm often able to get with the ladies when they're really drunk, but when they wake up and see me, it's as if they had seen a monster and they run. Should I consider funneling alcohol down their mouths as they are about to wake up?

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,
It seems I'm often able to get with the ladies when they're really drunk, but when they wake up and see me, it's as if they had seen a monster and they run. Should I consider funneling alcohol down their mouths as they are about to wake up?

Dear reader,
Thank you for bringing this to my attention before you did anything rash, dangerous & possibly illegal.
To bed them while drunk is a dangerous enuf scenario as it is, but to then force alcohol upon them would
be asking for your next romantic dalliance to be with a large & agressive cellmate named Bubba.
I have insufficient info to make a specific recommendation. Have you questioned your partners about
what it is that alarms them?

 

[Shermana]

Dear Revoltingest,

Thank you for your advice, you may have saved me from a rather unwanted encounter with this "Bubba" character. I guess that also answers my question about the Tranquilizer darts.

So it turns out after some calling that my problem has to do with what is widely referred among the local ladies as my "French" hygiene habits, and not just "French" but "Medieval French". I'm at a loss as to what this means. I go by the philosophy that bathing frequently is for sissy Metros and ultimately reduces one's resistance to things like germs and the black plague. I would assume that "French" means I'm suave and masculine, but I'm not sure if this is what they mean. Can you help me with what they're trying to say here?

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,
Thank you for your advice, you may have saved me from a rather unwanted encounter with this "Bubba" character. I guess that also answers my question about the Tranquilizer darts.
So it turns out after some calling that my problem has to do with what is widely referred among the local ladies as my "French" hygiene habits, and not just "French" but "Medieval French". I'm at a loss as to what this means. I go by the philosophy that bathing frequently is for sissy Metros and ultimately reduces one's resistance to things like germs and the black plague. I would assume that "French" means I'm suave and masculine, but I'm not sure if this is what they mean. Can you help me with what they're trying to say here?

Dear reader,
Thank you for your dedication to improve your social success. You are wise to avoid obsession with a germ free environment.
Scientific thought of late attributes the rise of asthma to inadequacies of pathogen exposure. Now, a choice looms for you:
Is it worthwhile to bathe or shower regularly (daily...not just weekly or monthly) in exchange for longer lasting relationships
with the ladies? I speculate that you will feel no loss of manliness in the practice of first world hygiene. Plus, you'll hear fewer
barbs such as "Go home, Froggie!".

 

[Wirey]

Dear Revoltingest

I am plagued by uncertainty on a daily basis. Am I the greatest person who ever lived, or just the greatest one alive right now? Plus, is it pronounced "Backfat" or "Backfat"?

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest

I am plagued by uncertainty on a daily basis. Am I the greatest person who ever lived, or just the greatest one alive right now? Plus, is it pronounced "Backfat" or "Backfat"?

Dear reader,
Thank you for questing for knowledge & insight.
Query #1: As a Canuckistanian, you might be the greatest one of those at the moment, but the greatest who ever lived was Leslie Nielsen, pbuh.
Note that even the greatest Canuckistanian is less than the average housewife from New Jersey. (Superiority is just inherent in being American.)
Query #2: The pronunciation of "backfat" varies according to its specific manifestation & regional dialect:
back fat
muff in top
buff uh low hump
dow ahj erz hump
too bag er

 

[4consideration]

Dear reader,
Thank you for writing me, & congratulations for being the first to bask in the grace of my tutelage.
Yours is a 2 parter. I deduce from your first complaint that you are male. Reading instructions is simply not in your nature.
In fact to do so would be an admission of failure in the manliness department, just as would be stopping to ask for directions
when lost. Admit you are a man, & accept that instruction manuals are an anathema. It won't cure the stated problem, but you'll
feel better about yourself. Now, I suggest that you do what I do when confronted with an inscrutable product (eg, the cel
phone)....I have my son figure it out, & then explain it to me. (The young are born knowing such things.)
On to your minimal motivation problem.....I suggest examining all that you do in life. You are doing things, eg, job, avocation,
love, which do not satisfy. No matter the cost, find a job you love, the mate of your dreams, etc. Change can be difficult,
perhaps a change in career or even gender, but ultimately you'll be happier being who you really are. If you're older, then
testosterone replacement therapy could help. See your physician or dealer about that.

Dear Revoltingest,

Here I am seeking your advice, yet again.

You have given me much to think about, and now since you were pretty close to nailing it anyway, I think it's time to admit that all my life I have felt like a girl trapped in a girl's body. What should I do?

I am considering all of your advice. So please, keep it coming.

What kind of new job would you suggest for me? (Please make sure that it still allows me enough time each day to spend on RF, so that I can seek your advice about all of my other important life-decisions.)

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,
Here I am seeking your advice, yet again.
You have given me much to think about, and now since you were pretty close to nailing it anyway, I think it's time to admit that all my life I have felt like a girl trapped in a girl's body. What should I do?
I am considering all of your advice. So please, keep it coming.
What kind of new job would you suggest for me? (Please make sure that it still allows me enough time each day to spend on RF, so that I can seek your advice about all of my other important life-decisions.)

Dear reader,
Thank you for your continued support.
Query #1: To feel like a girl trapped in a girl's body allows for some varied possibilities:
1) You are a male who feels like a girl trapped in a girl's body.
Are you a straight or gay? Either way, this might be a problem. Please tell me more.
2) You are a girl who feels like a girl trapped in a girl's body.
This is no problem whatsoever, especially if you're hot. I suggest that you do what comes naturally.
3) You are transgender & feel like a girl trapped in a girl's body.
This rather involved, & requires professional counseling to determine a course of action.

Query #2: I've always wanted to be a pundit. Please give this a try, & let me know how it goes.

 

[Iti oj]

crispy or chewy?

 

[4consideration]

Dear reader,
Thank you for your continued support.
Query #1: To feel like a girl trapped in a girl's body allows for some varied possibilities:
1) You are a male who feels like a girl trapped in a girl's body.
Are you a straight or gay? Either way, this might be a problem. Please tell me more.
2) You are a girl who feels like a girl trapped in a girl's body.
This is no problem whatsoever, especially if you're hot. I suggest that you do what comes naturally.
3) You are transgender & feel like a girl trapped in a girl's body.
This rather involved, & requires professional counseling to determine a course of action.

Query #2: I've always wanted to be a pundit. Please give this a try, & let me know how it goes.

Dear Revoltingest,

Thank you, again, for your advice. Here is more information.

Possibilities:

1. I had not previously considered this possibility. Now I have something else to worry about. Thanks. I like men. What does that make me?

2. I think this possibility is likely to be the most accurate. Regarding whether or not I'm hot, I don't know, let me ask my husband. "Honey do you think I'm HOT?" He said, "YES!" See -- there's proof.

3. I don't think this one applies. But, I'll look into it.

Now, regarding your suggestion of being a pundit. Really, could there be a better job than being paid to give your opinion? I can't think of one. Do you have the number for the pundit HR department?

Best Regards,

Considering Taking Someone Else's Advice for a Change

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,
Thank you, again, for your advice. Here is more information.
Possibilities:
1. I had not previously considered this possibility. Now I have something else to worry about. Thanks. I like men. What does that make me?
2. I think this possibility is likely to be the most accurate. Regarding whether or not I'm hot, I don't know, let me ask my husband. "Honey do you think I'm HOT?" He said, "YES!" See -- there's proof.
3. I don't think this one applies. But, I'll look into it.
Now, regarding your suggestion of being a pundit. Really, could there be a better job than being paid to give your opinion? I can't think of one. Do you have the number for the pundit HR department?
Best Regards,
Considering Taking Someone Else's Advice for a Change

Dear reader,
Thank you for providing additional salient information about your circumstances. It appears that you are a hot girl who feels like a girl
trapped in a girl's body....a perfectly functional status. The problem is your lifelong feeling of being trapped. I recommend examining
your life, goals, job, avocations, likes, dislikes, vexations, unmet needs & relationships to discover from whence this sense of confinement
& limitation originates. Only after you cure this problem should you embark upon a new career, be it pundit or some other adventure.
If you're quick about it, I understand that a potential vice presidential position has just opened up.

 

[painted wolf]

Dear Revoltingest,

What should I ask you about?

 

[Revoltingest]

Dear Revoltingest,
What should I ask you about?

Dear reader,
Thank you for your inquiry, but I lack enuf information to guide your question.
Have you a perplexing personal matter to resolve or perhaps a friend needing advice?