Deidre's Journey

[osgart]

the loss of faith I have had also left me empty and trying to fill a void I have. back when I was naive and faithful I had peace, and joy. but reality smashed those beliefs over time and my exposure to naturalism has left me in a state of nihilism.

still I sense there is something more to reality, a higher power of justice and love. science hasn't driven it from me because there are questions reality poses that are out of it's reach.

 

[Deidre]

What I've always liked about you deidre is you accept broken people, without conditions... There are few people like that

I can't tell you how many times you've forgiven me and put up with bad behavior from me... I hope you can see that I am growing and maturing... But sometimes I relapse into my old ways... Thank you for your patience

I'll always be real with you and never lie to you

Aw ...well you know, we are all broken ...just differently and maybe we are all here to put each other back together

 

[Deidre]

the loss of faith I have had also left me empty and trying to fill a void I have. back when I was naive and faithful I had peace, and joy. but reality smashed those beliefs over time and my exposure to naturalism has left me in a state of nihilism.

still I sense there is something more to reality, a higher power of justice and love. science hasn't driven it from me because there are questions reality poses that are out of it's reach.

Hi osgart, I agree...I wonder if we are always meant to keep questioning and just accept that we may never know but to want to know, means we are really living?

 

[Deidre]

I have a suspicion of why he did it. It was, for him, the ultimate high stakes poker game.. deceiving people for over a year on what he intended and "winning" the highest stake.. the lives of 58 unsuspecting people. I also fear that he died a very happy and satisfied man. Let's see if this suspicion is confirmed. I fear it would do nothing to comfort the victims. But again, I suspect, there is a meticulous planning and a "sick" kind of rationale in choosing both the date and the venue of his shooting, as he thought it to be the biggest and most challenging "game" of his life.
Thoughts and prayers to all the victims of his twisted mind.

Supposedly, he had no father around and a troubled childhood. Many people have similar circumstances but he seemed to be a lonely depraved man who tried to escape the pain through gambling and drinking. And that night, he had all the power which maybe he felt he lacked over his own life? I don't feel he was just a cold psychopath, he seemed mentally ill/depressed...and as the story unravels, no one in his life helped him to get help. I don't blame them but initially, his brother says what a normal guy he was...no he's not. Now we learn what a messed up childhood they all had. Sigh

 

[Spiderman]

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Supposedly, he had no father around and a troubled childhood. Many people have similar circumstances but he seemed to be a lonely depraved man who tried to escape the pain through gambling and drinking. And that night, he had all the power which maybe he felt he lacked over his own life? I don't feel he was just a cold psychopath, he seemed mentally ill/depressed...and as the story unravels, no one in his life helped him to get help. I don't blame them but initially, his brother says what a normal guy he was...no he's not. Now we learn what a messed up childhood they all had. Sigh

You have so much compassion for the depraved and mentally deranged... I really like that about you ... I really feel sorry for people that are so miserable they want to harm other people...

Having nothing but hatred, loneliness, shame, guilt, bitterness, fear, and powerlessness, is an extremely tormenting place to be... I've been there. Through prayer, meditation, and the grace of God , I got away from being a sadistic sociopath to being deeply compassionate... It is possible for a sociopath to develop compassion and empathy. I would know because I've experienced it first-hand.

 

[osgart]

Hi osgart, I agree...I wonder if we are always meant to keep questioning and just accept that we may never know but to want to know, means we are really living?

perhaps you are right!

 

[Deidre]

Dear journal;

The work week is over and the weekend is arriving, and it makes me so happy. I received a great work review yesterday, and ended up being given a great bonus that was unexpected. I'm not a complainer at work, but there are some who complain about everything, and I always tend to think that things will work out...eventually. I mean, there are definitely battles worth having, but my boss sees my value, and in time, he rewarded it. Patience really is a virtue, even though it doesn't feel so at the time you're going through something. TGIF!

 

[Deidre]

Dear journal;

Sometimes, you see someone who doesn't seem to want help. You try to help them, and they say they appreciate it, but they really don't try to change their life. It's sad when I see that, and we have a culture that enables people to stay down in their depression, etc. The medical industry makes a ton of money off of the downtrodden, so why help them to get out of their condition? I don't think that the medical profession is as interested in curing people or helping people to truly get to the roots of their problems, as much as they are interested in making money. But, I can still have hope, and pray for the downtrodden, that they won't give up on life or themselves.

 

[Deidre]

Dear journal;

Sometimes, I wonder about the internet. I think it's a great tool for discovering new things, new ideas...communicating with people across the globe in an instant. But, the problem with it, is that it can become a tool for bullies. It also seems that people abuse the ''like'' features on social media, even on here. I'll notice someone makes an excellent point, but because that poster is new, he/she hardly gets any positive responses. But, if someone who has been a poster here for a while...POSTS NEARLY THE SAME POINT...who is perhaps part of the 'in' clique, then that person will get a ton of positive replies. I've also noticed that to be true for stupid things that some people post...that sorry, aren't funny ...aren't anything. But, those posters, because they are part of the clique, will get a ton of positive replies. I think this type of thing sends mixed messages. I only like things or give positive replies, to content. Not to people. If I don't like the poster for whatever reason, but that poster makes a compelling argument over something or posts something witty, I'll offer a positive reply. I just find it off putting to ignore really great posters, simply because they haven't been on here for a while.

It's just a random pet peeve. I'll get over it. Eventually.

 

[Deidre]

Dear journal,

Life is good. It's peaceful. I'm at ease. I'm loving my husband, and have learned over the past couple of years, to no longer associate with people who weigh me down, or don't try to understand me. I mean, I'll give people a chance, but when you prove to me that you are an a$$, then I depart. lol And life has been much more peaceful because of that simple change. It wasn't so simple though, it took time for me to realize that putting forth energy in the wrong directions, never pays off. I'm still kind to those who are unkind, but I don't spend my energy trying to cultivate friendships with negative and mean spirited people. That part of me has changed.

So, life is good. I'm happy. I hope that if you're reading this, you are in a good place, too.

 

[Deidre]

Dear journal;

Sometimes, I don't know what to say to people who continue to hurt themselves. The first few times, you console them, you give them advice...and you see that they don't follow it. It's not that they CAN'T follow it, it's that they won't. It's almost like they want to remain perpetual victims, and I just don't know what to say to them, anymore. I can pray for them, but there comes a point when people need to help themselves, and stop looking for sympathy and to remain victims. I just don't know what to say. So, I've decided to say nothing.

 

[Deidre]

Happy Thanksgiving to you! Please be safe if you're driving anywhere. So many lunatics on the road at this time of year. All of us excluded.

 

[Deidre]

Haven't updated this in a while. My offline life has been busy, but fun. The holidays were amazing, and my first holiday season as someone's wife. To be introduced at parties as ''this is my wife,'' is kinda cool. Kinda weird too. Like I feel as though I'm his property now? lol

May the new year be a good one for us all!

 

[Deidre]

Dear journal;

Sorry I left you alone, but happy new year to you and everyone here.

 

[Deidre]

Dear Journal;

I really like RF, and I hate when life gets so busy that I don't have time to visit here as much as I'd like. But, life is great, the busy-ness of life can be a good thing.

I think of the following people, and hope they're doing well...you're in my thoughts

@PopeADope
@Sha'irullah
@Revoltingest
@Wirey
@Kapalika
@Sunstone
@Rival

and anyone else I may have not mentioned, but think of you too.

 

[Deidre]

Dear journal;

I like when people surprise me, when I have doubts about people and they surprise me. In a positive way. I'm grateful for that, today. I need to make more of a conscious effort to count my many blessings, every single day.

 

[Deidre]

Dear journal;

I've been feeling especially spiritual lately, and in tuned with the tenets of Christianity. It's not something I look at anymore with disdain, but with curiosity. Who was Jesus? What did He wish for us to know? There's so many belief systems out there that I also find fascinating, like Buddhism and Sufism, a mystical part of Islam. If all of the prophets came together, what might they say? Would they argue or get along? Hard to tell, but I've just been in a wondering mode lately. And I'm really glad that I looked in Luciferianism last year. It has some interesting points. We are all most alike than we're not, because we're all seeking the same thing...to know ourselves.

 

[Deidre]

Dear journal, I'm thinking of making a middle eastern feast of some type this weekend. Off to the middle eastern market, where all the men stare at me, as I'm the only woman in there who isn't wearing a hijab.

 

[Deidre]

Dear grandma;

It goes without saying, that ever since you left, my life hasn't been the same. I have a good life, though. You'd be very happy for me. I married an amazing man last year, you knew him. You met him. He was a good friend of mine, and he would come to your house to fix things when I was between boyfriends. You always made him a nice meal.

You have been gone for just over three years, but there are days, when it feels like you just died, yesterday. The sting of it all comes back, and I cry uncontrollably all over again. Out of nowhere, I'll hear a song that reminds me of you, or smell a familiar scent that takes me back to your delicious cooking.

But, what I miss the most, is your love. Your patience. My parents love me, I know. But, your love was different. It was unassuming, unconditional. You really understood me, and told me when I was wrong. I'd listen to your advice, and while sometimes it wasn't always easy to hear, I still ended up following it. You guided me, and I could literally run to your house, and cry over any topic at all, and somehow...in your own special way...you would comfort me. The weight of the world would fall away, and it felt like it was just you and me in all of the universe, holding hands.

I have some really amazing friends, who support me, and a genuinely loving husband, who is completely there for me. But, he isn't you. No one will ever be you. And I guess that's fine. I can't have those types of expectations of people, you were one of a kind. Just like they are one of a kind. But, grandma....I miss you.

I miss your wisdom.
I miss your hugs.
I miss the way you would help me to move obstacles out of my way, so I could be brave.
I miss your insights, courage, and faith.

You had faith in me, and you expected me to have faith in me. To believe in myself. To stop being guarded and afraid. Well, I'll have you know, I'm so much less guarded and fearful than I used to be. I never thought I could move on past your death, but I have. Life is still a little less bright though, without you in it. I wonder if I'll ever see you again. If somewhere out in the great cosmic abyss, if you'll call my name, and I'll hear you.

If I'll call your name, and you'll hear me?

Someday, I'll find out. I miss you, and all that you were. And all that I never knew, and will never know.

 

[Spiderman]

Dear grandma;

It goes without saying, that ever since you left, my life hasn't been the same. I have a good life, though. You'd be very happy for me. I married an amazing man last year, you knew him. You met him. He was a good friend of mine, and he would come to your house to fix things when I was between boyfriends. You always made him a nice meal.

You have been gone for just over three years, but there are days, when it feels like you just died, yesterday. The sting of it all comes back, and I cry uncontrollably all over again. Out of nowhere, I'll hear a song that reminds me of you, or smell a familiar scent that takes me back to your delicious cooking.

But, what I miss the most, is your love. Your patience. My parents love me, I know. But, your love was different. It was unassuming, unconditional. You really understood me, and told me when I was wrong. I'd listen to your advice, and while sometimes it wasn't always easy to hear, I still ended up following it. You guided me, and I could literally run to your house, and cry over any topic at all, and somehow...in your own special way...you would comfort me. The weight of the world would fall away, and it felt like it was just you and me in all of the universe, holding hands.

I have some really amazing friends, who support me, and a genuinely loving husband, who is completely there for me. But, he isn't you. No one will ever be you. And I guess that's fine. I can't have those types of expectations of people, you were one of a kind. Just like they are one of a kind. But, grandma....I miss you.

I miss your wisdom.
I miss your hugs.
I miss the way you would help me to move obstacles out of my way, so I could be brave.
I miss your insights, courage, and faith.

You had faith in me, and you expected me to have faith in me. To believe in myself. To stop being guarded and afraid. Well, I'll have you know, I'm so much less guarded and fearful than I used to be. I never thought I could move on past your death, but I have. Life is still a little less bright though, without you in it. I wonder if I'll ever see you again. If somewhere out in the great cosmic abyss, if you'll call my name, and I'll hear you.

If I'll call your name, and you'll hear me?

Someday, I'll find out. I miss you, and all that you were. And all that I never knew, and will never know.

She's looking out for you! You will be reunited again