Diary of a Dirty Commie

[Laika]

I'm contemplating conversion to a religion. Today was one where I've been through a number of mood changes. I feel angry and deeply bitter at the fact that communism, whilst certianly committed great evils, is attacked on the basis of hypocrisy. For a large part of the middle of the day I was just dump struck that, inspite of everything I'd like to believe, the ethical standards that I've held up to for most of my life have simply broken down under the strain. moral absolutes simply don't work and don't function as a basis for living. the phrase "god is dead" has gone through my mind several times, as there is very few ways to describe the sense of mourning and that something is indeed passing. By this evening, after much heartache, I'm feeling more upbeat, but I also know that I'm still in denial and that another "round" of this is on its way.

this has been going on and on for months now. the same ritualistic process of telling myself being a communist is wrong, getting angry at the hypocrisy of the accusation, then realising how monsterous it would be to think they were right and then feeling more balanced. it is ultimately masochistic and part of the cause for my depression. today was a bit special though; as if a threshold had been crossed and I feel a little more at ease. some part of me let go of the perfect moral standards that I can't live up to and I feel a little freer for it.

the truth is, is that no matter which religion or philosophy I were to chose, I would face the same problem; the problem of evil. no matter how you look at it, we are at the mercy of forces beyond our control. I could tell myself it is god for comfort, but really the comfort has nothing to do with the truth. If I was to be religious because I want to run away from the reality of human cruelty. I want to believe that god won't let it happen; but we can and we do. We all want to be loved and to find forgiveness, and wanting some deity in the sky to do it for you is alot easier than facing the difficult fact I share my humanity with the truly worst members of the species, many of whom were communists.

I came up with a list of options; among them were deism, native american and ancient egyptian religions, the left-hand path. nihilism was on there for its rebellious aspects as well. But would I believe it? probably not. it's a shoppong list of ideas with somewhat positive associations rather than something which would logically follow on from where I am now. I'd have to reject materialism, as it still has some promise of limitless knowledge and therefore limitless progress.

The trouble has been rationalism. As liberalism is derived from christianity, reason is given a supernatural qualitity and is divorced from the physical and the emotional. that is a reciepe for masochism as you attempt to apply moral absolutes to situations where our powers are limited and our ideals relative to our ability to achieve an outcome. I'm still thinking though. I'd much prefer an easier answer to going through this horrible pain and turmoil. if you want to love mankind, that means all of it, including the monsters. Love is not disempowering through, it is not a reciepe for appeasement; it is the knowledge that behind the apparent strength the cruelest members of the human race is a fundamental sense of weakness, an inferiority complex where they are too afriad to trust people, to love others or themselves, and that such people are often- in their own way- victims who turned against the world that made them so. its just so sad because you know that there is no higher power that can save them or heal them. their only hope is to save themselves, but that have to believe it is possible and that they can be free. And we have to believe it is possible they can change.

right now I could do with the belief in an omnibenevolent deity, but really I wonder whether that's because I'm giving up on mankind instead. I just don't believe that we, in the face of all we have done to each other, are born good. That is fatal to communism, but its fatal to pretty much every other worth while religious belief as well. I wish I had the courage to believe it though. it is, as always, the self-professed realism that condemns mankind and congratulates itself on the rationality of its cynicism that is the death of not only ideals but the love of mankind. to think that way isn't ethical as its just a licene for hypocrisy; "any crime committed in the name of an ideal is evil, any crime committed in the name of realism is fine and couldn't have been prevented anyway. its human nature to screw each other over for power and greed and we can't do any better." or that, is how the argument goes. Am I afriad of being wrong, or is it that I'm just afriad of people thinking I'm wrong?

anyway, that's my monologue for today.

 

[Brickjectivity]

I'm contemplating conversion to a religion.

You?!?

the knowledge that behind the apparent strength the cruelest members of the human race is a fundamental sense of weakness, an inferiority complex where they are too afriad to trust people, to love others or themselves, and that such people are often- in their own way- victims who turned against the world that made them so.

Also some people are crazy, and some think they are forced to do evil. For example Jesse James shot someone for snoring, and Al Capone thought people forced him to shoot them when they were rude. Some people are empty shells or for one reason or another cannot relate to other people. Some people are extremely angry and paranoid and presume others are out to get them. Some people have schizophrenic or other dissociative moments in which only part of their reasoning is available, such as the fight or flight part. Some people can't cook right or taste salt, and so we have no choice but to kill them. Isn't that right?

 

[Laika]

You?!?

Yeah. my psychological/spiritual needs need to be given a chance. I need to recover from the nihilism and that will be a long process. plus I'm starting to feel my curiousity and sense of 'playing' with ideas coming back a bit. I've never been religious, it might be refreshing "holiday" from the totalitarian gloom. (Deism is of interest and has some positive association with natural philosophy/early science in the enlightenment, but I'm still finding my feet).

Also some people are crazy, and some think they are forced to do evil. For example Jesse James shot someone for snoring, and Al Capone thought people forced him to shoot them when they were rude. Some people are empty shells or for one reason or another cannot relate to other people. Some people are extremely angry and paranoid and presume others are out to get them. Some people have schizophrenic or other dissociative moments in which only part of their reasoning is available, such as the fight or flight part. Some people can't cook right or taste salt, and so we have no choice but to kill them. Isn't that right?

very true. the problem is that only explains a minority of people's actions. when you have a large majority that start acting in immoral ways, such as under a communist dictatorship or in a warzone, you kind of need to re-define sanity.

 

[illykitty]

A question, do you believe in free will or determinism or something else?

If you look towards determinism, you can explain a lot of evil by examining the environment and circumstances of someone's life. That combined with one's personality, genetics and dispositions, I think we can learn to know why someone might have behaved a certain way.

But not everyone believes in determinism. I mean if you look more towards free-will, then I guess it's easy to see where you're coming from. To believe people have 100% choice and some are just evil.

 

[Kirran]

Check out Buddhism, some streams of Hinduism, and please swing by a Unitarian Church and have a chat with the preacher I hear good things.

 

[Laika]

A question, do you believe in free will or determinism or something else?

Marxists have a rather "odd" view which is deterministic whilst people still have agency in realising necessity. they tried hard to make a distinction between determinism and fatalism but I've never fully grasped the distinction because its so complex. The Marxist definition of "freedom" is therefore the freedom to realise the necessity of satisfying our needs (both economic and 'cultural'). "evil" in this sense is the result of man's powerlessness over nature and society. by scientific knowledge and technology man should therefore become more powerful through progress and that gives him the ability to change the world in accordance with his interests.This doesn't necessarily help however explain the problems in the USSR as more power "should" have made things better because it would be the measure for progress.

By default I've accepted this view because it is compatable with materialism and this was asserted to be 'scientific' in its day, but so far as I know there is no consensus regarding free-will and determinism in neuroscience and neurophilosophy and that is damaging to the marxist argument. The exception is if you argue that western science is not neutral and is philosophically biased against materialism/marxism. I'm begining to think my ignorance on many subjects meant it was both easier to accept Marxism as a philosophical worldview and take it's "scientific" cliam seriously. the tension between marxist ideology and current scientific knowledge has been a recurring one in my own thinking, but produced serious problems in Soviet science as well. I'm going to have to revist this in time and look at the evidence to see if it stacks up.

 

[Laika]

I'm having a strange time emotionally. it would be wrong to describe it as 'instability', but I'm definetely having periods of extreme emotions. it is as if I have been coerced into having certian beliefs and that I am having to unravel them through psychoanalysis and unrepress them. I go through intense bursts of anger, the kind where you are just simmering below the surface. And often its because I'm actually afriad to say what I'm really thinking. I've aquired dysfunctional ability to repress anger and so am starting to have to 'learn' how to deal with it.

There have been certian 'triggers' and one is when people say communism isn't atheist here on RF. last night, I felt quite deeply depressed by it, as it was the sense that my own beliefs were being deliberately mis-understood and the history re-written. after facing years of my own beliefs being misrepresented this was sort of the final straw. I could tell the truth and provide, but it didn't make any difference.
I get depressed because it feels like it is part of a bigger picture, where people are so utterlu convinced the world works one way when the evidence says this is not the case. True, I believe in an ideology that says it works another way, but the level of obliviousness makes me deeply concerned about what the future will bring. when we reject knowledge in favour of the security of our ignorance and to defend our own dogmas, we render ourselves powerless to comprehend the problems we face and therefore our ability to find solutions. More often than not, the defence of capitalism consists in saying "this is how the world works" so our problem isn't a problem because there is nothing we can do about it. the market always gets the best results even when they aren't enough. I feel deeply upset by the idea that we are heading towards a catastrophe and that we have become so diminished, that we stay in denial rather than prevent it. In my mind, this typically involves climate change and the inadequate response to it.

I find myself confronted by dogmas by people who have no reason to hold them. supposedly free thinking people are engaged in denials of facts and rejection of evidence that would have been apprpriate, but not really acceptable, of religious fundamentalists. I confess that for a very long time I avoided criticism of communism in a similar way, but as I suffer from serious depression that is somewhat understable. communism was what gave me hope for the future and being criticial was dangerous given my fragile mental state. it was a necessary evil, but was still an evil. I find it perplexing when I see the same thing happen in other people.

it seems to be connected with a form of "realism"; the assumption that our ideas correspond to reality. when we come accross things that conflict with this realism, we deny the reality rather than change our ideas of what is real. the marxist concept of ideology has been helpful in combating depression by emphasising the 'unreality' of my own thoughts and that they do not correspond to actual things. however, it is as if I retain some depressive ideas and not others and therefore have cognitive dissonance which results in my mood instability.
it is this sense of 'realism' that makes me feel so weird, and as if I have been coerced into holding certain beliefs. I know from past experience that many of my feelings on climate change were very extreme, and originate from the deeply propagandistic way the issue has been portrayed on TV. The same issue has come up with communist atrocities; this very simplistic notion that "communism is evil" has been conditioned into me even though as I read more widely, the picture becomes more complex and uncertian. there are extreme emotions, but they are without foundation, or are disproportionate to what they are describing.

Ideological change does not simply entail a change in the way person thinks, but also in a way a person feels. thoughts describe stimuli and we have an emotional association with such stimuli. So, I know very well that the time I have spent being a communist has changed the way I feel as well as the way I think. But, this is something a bit more disruptive because of how extreme the emotions involved are. This has been why it has been hard to give up communism; it is not simply a way of thinking, but a way of feeling. what made me a communist was the emotional diseqilibrium of mental illness; there was a psychological need that needed to be fulfilled. But its hard to know whether my current problems is that I am stuterring away from communism or towards it. the process of 'conversion' to communism remains ongoing, even as some parts of my consciousness are rejecting it and 'deconverting'. a process of creative destruction not just of ideas, but of an identity and inner emotional make-up. I'm still uncertian whether to give up communism or go back to the drawing board. either way, both would involve considerable effort and motivation that I cannot achieve as long as I remain depressed. the depression is an attack on my sense of self and on my capacity to reason out these problems. it is hard not to think that the amount of propaganda that I have been exposed to through television is not partially responsible for this. it is quite unexpected to say the least.

 

[Laika]

This morning I tried to scribble a few ideas for a novel (that I've been wanting to write for several years now). As its a near-future dystopia, each time I've done it I've had that sinking feeling that I'm already living in a dystopian society. That sense of unease has re-woken my communist instincts because, quite honestly, there isn't an alternative on the horozion. Whilst I can honestly say communism is a bad idea, it is not the kind of "dead end" that liberalism has become. It isn't simply that we've come to accept that "there is no alternative" to capitalism, its that we're now pretty sure that with all the enviromental problems that are ongoing or developing, capitalism won't last either. At least not without radical changes including to patterns of consumption to something more sustainable. That may actually not even be possible in a for-profit system in which demand for goods and services has to be inflated.

The scales are tipped pretty finely and its really ugly either way. But there was a split second when I felt the sense of "to hell with it" that would make me want start communism from scratch. All it comes down to is the sense of "realism"; that there is only one possible path to take and that all the others are infinetely worse. That is not a persuasive argument by any standards. What I wrote last time about the sense of being "coerced" into a set of beliefs seems to apply just to those ones which are anti-communist. the insistentence that it is "real" and "natural" along with the systematic re-writing of history means it has an emotional 'block' on utopian ideas. very few hold any weight beyond a rather empty and futile moral outrage, but the sense of banging my head against the brick wall for so many years has left me with a feeling, an intutition, that if I kept pushing- the whole ideological structure might give way. there is no alternative to capitalism, but there is nothing left to make me want to be a capitalist. its that kind of situation that makes you want to change things. but I'm still not sure. The sense of "this is immoral" and "this is impossible" is hard to escape. But there just isn't anyone else even trying this. In a society professing individuality but practicing conformity, that's almost scarier.

"Everybody is happy nowdays."

 

[Kirran]

Post-scarcity economics is coming.

Also, there are many viewpoints to which economics is essentially irrelevant, and also there are technically-capitalist systems that could work while being very different from our current one. For example, all corporations becoming co-operatives and being limited in size by law.

 

[Laika]

Post-scarcity economics is coming.

I hope so. We could well have reached post-scarcity by now, if it weren't for the culture of consumerism, conspicious consumption and speculation that has inflated people's wants to increase demand. So long as capitalism relies on that, it will probably create scarcity. it's hard to say it is artifical because you can't really distinguish between needs and wants as they are psychologically conditioned by the context of a person's place in social/historical development.

Also, there are many viewpoints to which economics is essentially irrelevant, and also there are technically-capitalist systems that could work while being very different from our current one. For example, all corporations becoming co-operatives and being limited in size by law.

I would say economics is relevant, but that is dependent on materialist philosophy and treating economics as the basis for political, social, cultural and intellectual life. Capitalism is a remarkably diverse system and one which certianly will evolve in this century. there is no certianty that it will be replaced by another system, nor necessarily that it will collapse under the strain of ecological problems. But because people are not free from the economic limits of relative scarcity and are dependent on those socio-economic relationship for their needs, it relies on certian economic laws which attempts to reform capitalism are ultimately comprimised by. the profit motive is, to the best of my knowledge, a consistent feature of private enterprise and cannot be legislated away by law without eliminating private property to a large extent.

 

[Laika]

Well, I just sent off the e-mail to cancel my membership to the Communist Party. After seven years of trying (only eight months actually a member of the party though), I've learned a great deal and I can honestly I'm smarter and wiser than I would have been without it. I realised ultimately that, yeah I was wrong, but it really wasn't a reflection on me or my fault for believing it. it will take a long time to figure out and recover from and I don't expect I will stop reading Marxist literature anytime soon, but it be nice to start off with a clean slate if I was ever going to try again. I was quick to judge and it would take years to pull off the same level of conviction I once had.

 

[Curious George]

Well, I just sent off the e-mail to cancel my membership to the Communist Party. After seven years of trying (only eight months actually a member of the party though), I've learned a great deal and I can honestly I'm smarter and wiser than I would have been without it. I realised ultimately that, yeah I was wrong, but it really wasn't a reflection on me or my fault for believing it. it will take a long time to figure out and recover from and I don't expect I will stop reading Marxist literature anytime soon, but it be nice to start off with a clean slate if I was ever going to try again. I was quick to judge and it would take years to pull off the same level of conviction I once had.

Perhaps you can write a follow-up thread: Diary of a dirty materialist. I actually enjoyed your posts here, despite my disagreement with some of your thoughts. I think it is likely your writing style more than your ideas. But it was good. I will miss this thread

 

[Laika]

Perhaps you can write a follow-up thread: Diary of a dirty materialist. I actually enjoyed your posts here, despite my disagreement with some of your thoughts. I think it is likely your writing style more than your ideas. But it was good. I will miss this thread

there is much to do. so I'm sure there will be alot more for me to write on this thread (and perhaps another) if and when I finally draw a line under this. I couldn't expect you or anyone else to agree with me, as whilst I have tried to reason out the arguments logically, they have sometimes been pretty monsterous. most of the time I have had passionate disagreements with myself that needed to be worked out.

 

[Curious George]

there is much to do. so I'm sure there will be alot more for me to write on this thread (and perhaps another) if and when I finally draw a line under this. I couldn't expect you or anyone else to agree with me, as whilst I have tried to reason out the arguments logically, they have sometimes been pretty monsterous. most of the time I have had passionate disagreements with myself that needed to be worked out.

I am just here for the show my friend.

 

[Kirran]

Back to Western liberalism?

What other kinds of liberalism are there?

 

[Laika]

Back to Western liberalism?

What other kinds of liberalism are there?

I was what Communists would call a "radish": Red on the outside, white on the inside. I never quite stopped being a liberal. At my most zelous I might well have passed off as a "red fascist". it's why I've had to think so hard about it inorder to tell the difference. Communism isn't about repeating an empty set of terminology, memorising key texts, chanting phrases or quoting chairman Mao. it involves something much deeper as a personal transformation and is probably a response to nihilism. I have never really pulled it off, though I've had occassional flashes of it. the most selfless/communist thing I've ever done is give up the illusion that I am a communist.

it's like, someone whose spent their whole life wanting to learn how to fly, suddenly realising that they don't have to do it. something within them gives way and they know its possible and even though they won't be the ones to do it, its enough to know it could be.

 

[Laika]

it's hard to describe exactly how I feel. it feels like days have passed, but really it's only been one. time seems to stretch.

I went out with my parents to the local market town. There's a little cafe in the local Co-op. I felt depressed. I had a coke and a slice of what could have been some apple and blackcurrent pie. I wasn't sure. it just looked good. but really, it didn't matter. I was back where I started; back to having the freedom to choose anything you want but changing nothing. I barely noticed the taste. the thought came accross my head that it might have had artifical flavouring so there wasn't much point thinking about it either way. the sense of emptiness, the sheer futility of fighting "it" filled me. I wanted to cry. I didn't though. was this it? an empty life where pretty much the only thing I spend money on is food. everything else is extra.

Jeremy Corbyn has been a subject that's come up with my parents on and off. As Labour supporters. sorry. (cough), New Labour supporters, they don't want him. my mum paid the three pound fee so she can get to vote. You might expect me to be cheering, but I really can't. Corbyn isn't change. He's not going to deliver. but I get it; he appeals to people like me who are craving something "more". but really, it's just another "trip". It's Obama and Syriza all over again. Someone stands up and tells the people what they want to hear, the people believe him and then flock like sheep in a carefully managed stage performance. it's not politics. it's a rock concert, and yet another star performer, aged by sex, drugs and rock and roll, is here to entertian us. What is it this time "feed the world?" or "make poverty history?" Then we go home, thinking that this makes everything better and feel like s**t when nothing happens. The T-shirts start to wear out, the Mugs get broken and the wrist bands fade. And then, in the collective amnesia, some "new" thing comes along to make us feel better. We start as consumers and we stay consumers. They call it "democracy". it's just a complete co-incidence the "system" wins.

Again.

of course, somewhere in the back of my head is that little quiet voice saying, maybe, "this time", things will be different.

Must.... Resist....

Must.... Not.... Fall..... For....Slick.... Marketing.....campign....

Must....be....social....reject....

oh come on. it sucks. I want to be part of the herd as much as anyone else. mindless conformity can be so much fun if you weren't left with the horrible emptiness when the party's over. I'm not one of Pavlov's dog that going to salivate everytime the "master" rings the bell. This isn't human nature. This is about breaking the habits which I have been trained into like the "good dog" who plays fetch, pay bills, go for walkies, and still desperately long for the vague, ever diminishing possiblity, of the "treat", that promotion at work to make up for all the abuse you put up with to conceal the lack of self-worth. Some bonus so I get to fill me empty life with more junk. Seriously? that's all you've got? more stuff to try impress people who hate my guts and sell out on me when a bigger a**hole comes along?

I was a commie. I did the hard stuff. the class A drug of political promises. "give us the power and we'll make everything better. it'll be fine. now sit. have a treat whilst the party neuters and spays you and takes away your freedoms. good dog!"

I'm a junkie looking for a power trip. And I know it. And I'm only 26. I've achieved acceptence, the kind of self-love and forgiveness that addicts need to recover. And even better, that's plenty of time to screw up some more. What could possibly go wrong?

The dillemma of course is trying to tell the difference between the fools gold and the real thing. That's the problem. If someone wraps it up in a nice package and puts a bow on it, and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, you'll vote for whatever Nazi they put infront of you. what loud and passionate oratory. such noble ideals. look at those uniforms. so confident. so decisive. aren't they dashing? they say it's some of hugo boss' finest work. Do I know that moustache from somewhere? What's his name? Chaplin. Chaplin's a really nice guy. wouldn't hurt a soul. it must the same for this bloke.

Come on. Hitler called it the "big lie" for a reason. we say we want the truth, but if we really did- we'd go looking for it. but that take the risk in not liking what we find. no-one gives you your freedom. you can't buy individuality mass produced in a store, at a discount price. you have to make it yourself. So yeah. I feel depressed and a little more empty than usual. I miss having the cool label to cover up the fact I sold my soul.

And yes. maybe deepdown I'm still the kind of tail wagging idiot that could run for the Republican Party nomination but will vote Democrat to feign an attempt at self-respect so I can pretend I don't hate poor people wanting things from me. urgh! helping people? that's not what Jesus would do. there getting close. where's the rifle?

But somewhere in that twisted, cynical head is a descent human being. I'm angry, and it's not necessarily because of my pride, but because I care. I took a risk and ouch. bloody hell did it hurt. but maybe. just maybe. being totally out of my mind will mean I look in the right place. the one place people think is too stupid, too obvious, or to obsucre to look. it's hard to know the difference between giving up on an idea and giving up on yourself. the nature of the beast mean's it's hard to tell the difference. at least on the internet I can tell the truth without fear of all those wretched "consequences" from people who don't know you pretending to care about things they don't understand to feel superior.

come on. be a junkie. don't settle for second best at being yourself. Go on. be crazy. don't let the "normal" people tell you to live in fear as they do. don't let "realism" keep you prisoner. this is not the "best of all possible worlds". this is not the end.

this....

...is just the begining.

 

[illykitty]

Just wanted to say while we come from different places, I can relate to a lot you wrote. So keep those entries coming, I'll read it.

 

[Curious George]

it's hard to describe exactly how I feel. it feels like days have passed, but really it's only been one. time seems to stretch.

I went out with my parents to the local market town. There's a little cafe in the local Co-op. I felt depressed. I had a coke and a slice of what could have been some apple and blackcurrent pie. I wasn't sure. it just looked good. but really, it didn't matter. I was back where I started; back to having the freedom to choose anything you want but changing nothing. I barely noticed the taste. the thought came accross my head that it might have had artifical flavouring so there wasn't much point thinking about it either way. the sense of emptiness, the sheer futility of fighting "it" filled me. I wanted to cry. I didn't though. was this it? an empty life where pretty much the only thing I spend money on is food. everything else is extra.

Jeremy Corbyn has been a subject that's come up with my parents on and off. As Labour supporters. sorry. (cough), New Labour supporters, they don't want him. my mum paid the three pound fee so she can get to vote. You might expect me to be cheering, but I really can't. Corbyn isn't change. He's not going to deliver. but I get it; he appeals to people like me who are craving something "more". but really, it's just another "trip". It's Obama and Syriza all over again. Someone stands up and tells the people what they want to hear, the people believe him and then flock like sheep in a carefully managed stage performance. it's not politics. it's a rock concert, and yet another star performer, aged by sex, drugs and rock and roll, is here to entertian us. What is it this time "feed the world?" or "make poverty history?" Then we go home, thinking that this makes everything better and feel like s**t when nothing happens. The T-shirts start to wear out, the Mugs get broken and the wrist bands fade. And then, in the collective amnesia, some "new" thing comes along to make us feel better. We start as consumers and we stay consumers. They call it "democracy". it's just a complete co-incidence the "system" wins.

Again.

of course, somewhere in the back of my head is that little quiet voice saying, maybe, "this time", things will be different.

Must.... Resist....

Must.... Not.... Fall..... For....Slick.... Marketing.....campign....

Must....be....social....reject....

oh come on. it sucks. I want to be part of the herd as much as anyone else. mindless conformity can be so much fun if you weren't left with the horrible emptiness when the party's over. I'm not one of Pavlov's dog that going to salivate everytime the "master" rings the bell. This isn't human nature. This is about breaking the habits which I have been trained into like the "good dog" who plays fetch, pay bills, go for walkies, and still desperately long for the vague, ever diminishing possiblity, of the "treat", that promotion at work to make up for all the abuse you put up with to conceal the lack of self-worth. Some bonus so I get to fill me empty life with more junk. Seriously? that's all you've got? more stuff to try impress people who hate my guts and sell out on me when a bigger a**hole comes along?

I was a commie. I did the hard stuff. the class A drug of political promises. "give us the power and we'll make everything better. it'll be fine. now sit. have a treat whilst the party neuters and spays you and takes away your freedoms. good dog!"

I'm a junkie looking for a power trip. And I know it. And I'm only 26. I've achieved acceptence, the kind of self-love and forgiveness that addicts need to recover. And even better, that's plenty of time to screw up some more. What could possibly go wrong?

The dillemma of course is trying to tell the difference between the fools gold and the real thing. That's the problem. If someone wraps it up in a nice package and puts a bow on it, and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, you'll vote for whatever Nazi they put infront of you. what loud and passionate oratory. such noble ideals. look at those uniforms. so confident. so decisive. aren't they dashing? they say it's some of hugo boss' finest work. Do I know that moustache from somewhere? What's his name? Chaplin. Chaplin's a really nice guy. wouldn't hurt a soul. it must the same for this bloke.

Come on. Hitler called it the "big lie" for a reason. we say we want the truth, but if we really did- we'd go looking for it. but that take the risk in not liking what we find. no-one gives you your freedom. you can't buy individuality mass produced in a store, at a discount price. you have to make it yourself. So yeah. I feel depressed and a little more empty than usual. I miss having the cool label to cover up the fact I sold my soul.

And yes. maybe deepdown I'm still the kind of tail wagging idiot that could run for the Republican Party nomination but will vote Democrat to feign an attempt at self-respect so I can pretend I don't hate poor people wanting things from me. urgh! helping people? that's not what Jesus would do. there getting close. where's the rifle?

But somewhere in that twisted, cynical head is a descent human being. I'm angry, and it's not necessarily because of my pride, but because I care. I took a risk and ouch. bloody hell did it hurt. but maybe. just maybe. being totally out of my mind will mean I look in the right place. the one place people think is too stupid, too obvious, or to obsucre to look. it's hard to know the difference between giving up on an idea and giving up on yourself. the nature of the beast mean's it's hard to tell the difference. at least on the internet I can tell the truth without fear of all those wretched "consequences" from people who don't know you pretending to care about things they don't understand to feel superior.

come on. be a junkie. don't settle for second best at being yourself. Go on. be crazy. don't let the "normal" people tell you to live in fear as they do. don't let "realism" keep you prisoner. this is not the "best of all possible worlds". this is not the end.

this....

...is just the begining.

Have you ever read Dostoevsky? I can't help but imagine you would enjoy his writing. "Notes from the underground" is short, cheap, and meaningful. You might want to pick up a copy if you don't own one.

 

[Laika]

Have you ever read Dostoevsky? I can't help but imagine you would enjoy his writing. "Notes from the underground" is short, cheap, and meaningful. You might want to pick up a copy if you don't own one.

No, but I have heard of it. I'll have to look it up. thanks.