Do common religious beliefs contribute to marital success?

[We Never Know]

A lot of people tell me that, including my counselor who is about three years younger than me and has been married for decades. She said if her husband dies she will be happy to live alone with her cat. The difference between her and me is that she has a lot of girlfriends that she hangs out with. Another difference is that she has children and I don't. My mother was widowed at age 52 and she never remarried but she had three kids.

An old saying I like is....
"Don't drink poison just because you are thirsty"

In other words don't be with someone just because you are lonely.

 

[Trailblazer]

An old saying I like is....
"Don't drink poison just because you are thirsty"

In other words don't be with someone just because you are lonely.

I would not get married again for that reason, but I might get married so I would have a handyman and a landscaper.
How could I be lonely when I have 8 cats?

 

[Trailblazer]

Yeah, most people I know meet a lot of their social needs outside of marriage. That could be through friends, children or extended family. But its nice coming home and having someone else there. I lived alone for a few years before marrying and its a very different way of being. I don't mind it but its very different from a family environment.

It is definitely very different to suddenly find yourself alone when you have had another person living with you for 37 years.
I am not sure I will adjust to that but it is okay for now. I still have the cats and they are a lot of company.

It is not so much that I am lonely as that I am alone. I cannot put my finger on the reason why that bothers me. I think I just need more time.

One of the Baha'is asked me how I was adjusting to my 'new normal' and I wanted to punch her in the face, but instead I calmly explained to her why it is not my new normal and that I hope to remarry. She got it but she sounded surprised.

 

[loverofhumanity]

I married a wonderful Burmese Baha’i and everyday I give God thanks for being associated with such a pure hearted person. We are just very ordinary people with plenty of faults and shortcominhs yet we have become very close and united through the teachings of Baha’u’llah. But we have real love, not just putting up with each other because we are Baha’is. However, this real love is born from the love of God not just a romantic or flirtatious love, but seeing God in each other. Worldly love fades away but this spiritual love never dies because its foundation is in the Eternal.

 

[It Aint Necessarily So]

What initially attracted you to your partner and why did you get married?

Initially? She was attractive, friendly, clean, demure, liked to laugh, and didn't smoke. Eventually, I came to know her as honest, reliable, loyal, industrious, kind, an animal lover, irreligious, and liberal.

After that, what held the marriage together?

We liked spending time together and we didn't fight. We enjoyed travelling and saw much of the world. We liked eating most meals out together. And she learned to play bass after which we performed in assorted venues for years. We ran a medical office together, with me seeing patients and she managing and billing. Then we retired to Mexico, where we are both very happy and active both together and separately, playing bridge each week in a club game we ran together for six years until the pandemic. So, it's been pretty easy to be together.

Are common interests (aside from religious beliefs) enough to hold a marriage together?

Mutual respect and dedication were the most important. Our dogs and our love of dogs in general have always been a bond, we love ours like children, and are involved with local dog service organizations.

 

[Trailblazer]

I married a wonderful Burmese Baha’i and everyday I give God thanks for being associated with such a pure hearted person. We are just very ordinary people with plenty of faults and shortcominhs yet we have become very close and united through the teachings of Baha’u’llah. But we have real love, not just putting up with each other because we are Baha’is. However, this real love is born from the love of God not just a romantic or flirtatious love, but seeing God in each other. Worldly love fades away but this spiritual love never dies because its foundation is in the Eternal.

Thanks for sharing, but I have one question. Would you have married her if she had not been a Baha'i?

 

[Trailblazer]

Initially? She was attractive, friendly, clean, demure, liked to laugh, and didn't smoke. Eventually, I came to know her as honest, reliable, loyal, industrious, kind, an animal lover, irreligious, and liberal.

We liked spending time together and we didn't fight. We enjoyed travelling and saw much of the world. We liked eating most meals out together. And she learned to play bass after which we performed in assorted venues for years. We ran a medical office together, with me seeing patients and she managing and billing. Then we retired to Mexico, where we are both very happy and active both together and separately, playing bridge each week in a club game we ran together for six years until the pandemic. So, it's been pretty easy to be together.

Mutual respect and dedication were the most important. Our dogs and our love of dogs in general have always been a bond, we love ours like children, and are involved with local dog service organizations.

Thanks for sharing. The two of you sound well matched. I agree that mutual respect and dedication were the most important things in a marriage. If I marry again I'd like to marry someone I can enjoy activities with, since I did not have much of that in my marriage for the last 20 years. Initially I felt compelled to marry a Baha'i, but I have gone through quite a transition during the last the last eight months, and now I am no longer compelled to marry a Baha'i. It would all depend upon who I met. I would want a man who is honest, reliable, loyal, industrious, kind, and an animal lover. I would not want to marry a religious zealot, not even if he was a Baha'i. There are a lot of Baha'i zealots and I am not up for that. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in religious activities. It is high time I enjoyed life a little or maybe even a lot.

 

[loverofhumanity]

Thanks for sharing, but I have one question. Would you have married her if she had not been a Baha'i?

Yes definitely.

 

[Sand Dancer]

If I ever marry again the man will have to like cats and he will have to at least be friendly towards my religion, not antagonistic. I don't have any other requirements except that our personalities and lifestyles are compatible. More than anything else we would have to like each other and that could grow into love.

To be honest, I have had enough of religion for a lifetime so I am ready to jump ship on this whole religion thing and start having a good time. As such I would welcome a change, like an agnostic husband. When I went to drop off my tax information my CPA asked me what I am ever going to do with all this money and I told him I don't know, but as long as I am single I probably won't do anything since I don't like doing things alone, like traveling. Then he and I got in a long talk about marriage and I came to discover he was widowed 15 years ago after five years of marriage and he is still single. He explained why and he showed me a picture of his cat on his cell. I plan to show him my cat photos when I go to pick up my taxes. I really like him for his personality and kindness. Although he is 10 years younger than me that would be a plus for me because I'll never marry a man who is 10 years older again. He is a Christian but I am not sure what kind, but he knows I am a Baha'i and knows what it is. Probably this is just another one of my fantasies, but that is what has been keeping me alive since I lost my husband.

You never know what the future may hold. Hope you will start having a very good time. You deserve it for sure.

 

[Trailblazer]

You never know what the future may hold. Hope you will start having a very good time. You deserve it for sure.

I believe that God holds the future in His Hands since He determines fate...
If I want to get married again all I can do is make myself available but I cannot make it happen..... as I said in my OP.
Meanwhile I have the cats to keep me company.

 

[Sand Dancer]

I believe that God holds the future in His Hands since He determines fate... If I want to get married again all I can do is make myself available but I cannot make it happen..... as I said in my OP.
Meanwhile I have the cats to keep me company.

It's fun hanging with the kits.

 

[Vinayaka]

Initially we were great friends, but started dating and it escalated. We knew we could be ourselves with each other, since we weren't trying to impress the other, since we were just friends first.

There are different types of love, and if both parties have all of them, I think a marriage is a winner. Initially, I don't think my marriage had all of them, but it had a majority, and the rest came into play later on.

When we married (1990), I was a Christian but hubby was not. He became one three years after we married. I left Christianity almost 8 years ago, and he followed suit six months later. I have been looking for and trying different religions. He is happy being agnostic. He knows about most of the religions that I tried, and for some reason, he expressed displeasure in paganism. I don't know why but I suspect it was just because it was the first one I tried after Christianity, and at that time he was still Christian and very worried about my departure.

If you have mutual respect and affection for each other, IMO, it's the most important thing in a marriage. I think religious compatibility is most important if you decide to have kids. No one wants to fight about what religious the children will be raised in. Otherwise, I think most differences can be overcome, but probably not all, depending on the religion. Mutual interests are a plus I think.

We started as friends as well. It was her way of trapping a shy guy.

 

[Truthseeker]

You also know a Baha'i man in your community who married twice, both times to Baha'i women.

Actually three times to Baha'i women. The first two ended in divorce and the third died in January. That third one was so sad, because he had finally found someone he was completely happy with, only for her to die. Actually come to think of it, I don't know if she was a Baha'i when they married, but she died one.

 

[Truthseeker]

I have heard part of that story but not all of it. I never heard about the motel and you having trouble having sex. Hey, we might as well entertain the RF folks since it looks like it is just going to be us Baha'is on this thread. Did I ever tell you about the first night of our honeymoon in a small town east of San Diego? It was this very quaint motel I had selected just for the occasion and I was so excited, but he did not know what to do or how to do it. Why did I just assume he would know, because he was a man? As you know, we only knew each other for three weeks before we got married and we were both virgins, me 32, he 42. On top of everything, and maybe contributing to the problem, he got an abscessed tooth the wedding day and it was not pulled out till later, so he was in excruciating pain on the wedding night.

After the first night it only went from bad to worse because I was so angry at him. 32 years I had waited for this? So up the coast of California and Oregon we drove, stopping at motels along the way, and still nothing. I can remember calling my brother from a phone booth at the motel and him telling me I should have the marriage annulled. We finally ended up in Washington where my mother and brother lived and I was still mad about the no sex. Honestly, I cannot remember when or where we finally consummated the marriage, it is all a fog now, but I do remember driving back down to California where I lived and where we were going to live together and seeing a sex therapist for a while

We were also virgins, but for some reason she knew what to do. Maybe because she was a LPN that worked in maternity looking after babies before she met me?

You did tell me before you had sexual problems in the beginning, but not all these details.

 

[Truthseeker]

See, this is what I mean. Would you marry a non-Baha'i? No, you wouldn't.

Probably not on my part. There was a woman I was good friends with who was Serbian Orthodox before this but I never wanted to marry her. We even went to movies together and ate dinner after that. Having sex never came up. I remember seeing The Empire Strikes Back with her and she couldn't believe it when Darth Vader said he was Luke's father. I just wanted to be friends with her. It was definitely a big factor that Sara was a Baha'i.

 

[Truthseeker]

Like I told you elsewhere if I do not marry a Baha'i man I will probably never engage in Baha'i activities, whether I remain single or marry a non-Baha'i man. Only if I marry a Baha'i man will I ever be active in the Faith.... hear that God?

 

[Truthseeker]

Hey, we might as well entertain the RF folks since it looks like it is just going to be us Baha'is on this thread.

@JustGeorge liked it, but she likes everything I post , it seems like.

 

[JustGeorge]

@JustGeorge liked it, but she likes everything I post , it seems like.

I often use the frubals to communicate. But, I do often like what you say, and I like watching you and @Trailblazer communicate. You have such an open and honest friendship.

I haven't had much to contribute to the thread. My husband and I were marginally religious when we met; I was Pagan, he was more interested in the occult(but not necessarily Paganism). Eventually, I veered into Hinduism, and he politely went along to the temple... and then he got into it, too.
We are both Hindu, though our focus is expressed differently.

I will say that common beliefs brought us closer, and a mutual religious life was/is something to bond over. Sometimes his interest waxes and wanes, and when it lessens for awhile, there's less to share.

 

[Trailblazer]

Actually three times to Baha'i women.

That makes my point about Baha'is only marrying Baha'is. I have my own ideas as to why this is the case.

 

[Trailblazer]

We were also virgins, but for some reason she knew what to do. Maybe because she was a LPN that worked in maternity looking after babies before she met me?

You did tell me before you had sexual problems in the beginning, but not all these details.

As you might recall, Lewis was also an LPN, but that did not help him in knowing what to do and how to do it, not at first, but it came in handy later since he was very familiar with the female anatomy. Nuff said.