Down with Divorce

[Trailblazer]

That's what I keep telling my husband!! I'm glad someone gets it.

That is what my late husband always told me, but I was not buying it at the time, and it caused a lot of fights.

 

[JustGeorge]

That is what my late husband always used to say, and he always blamed the cats for why the house cannot be kept clean.
That is basically the only thing we ever fought about for during our 37 year marriage, the housecleaning and the yard work he refused to do.
We never fought about what most couples fight about, sex and money.

You have a point there, especially if nobody else is coming over to see it, as is true in my case.

My husband started to get irritated about a mess the other day, and I said "yo, I just dealt with [kid's] mania fits. I can't really express to you how little I'm concerned about that mess."

He didn't drop his grumpy face, but he dropped the commentary.

Before my son's mental health tanked, I'd take the complaints more seriously. Now, nope.

 

[ppp]

Specifically in reference to marriage and racism, what do you think has improved?

Off the top of my head...
Increased social acceptance of interracial couples in general. Dinner reservations do not get "lost". High school proms no longer ban interracial couples. Stronger legal and cultural protects. Fewer random jaunts and jeers on the street. Better cross cultural awareness. Less devotion to beliefs in fake (rumored) differences. The representation in the media has moved considerably from progressive social statement toward casual feature of reality. American media has a hugely disproportionate (fortunately waning) impact on the perceptions of both itself, and the rest of the world. As I think I mentioned earlier. Travel is safer than it has been historically. interracial marriage is firmy enough ensconced in our culture to give support to non-heterosexual marriage equality laws.

What still needs to be addressed?

The prurient fetishizing among among white men about black men having sex with white women could be kept more to oneself.
Continue combating subtle discriminations. Keep improving the quality and availability of counseling. Education on the implicit bias that we find in law enforcement, healthcare and education. Broader demographics of human trials when it comes for medical research.

I am sure there are others, but that is what comes to mind

 

[Trailblazer]

I see marriage more of a covenant which requires a little more effort. It gets better as time goes on. Like gold, it is refined through the fire of life and gets better.

I think it can get better or worse or stay about the same. My marriage got better, then worse, and then it stabilized and stayed about the same for the last 20 years.

 

[JustGeorge]

Off the top of my head...
Increased social acceptance of interracial couples in general. Dinner reservations do not get "lost". High school proms no longer ban interracial couples. Stronger legal and cultural protects. Fewer random jaunts and jeers on the street. Better cross cultural awareness. Less devotion to beliefs in fake (rumored) differences. The representation in the media has moved considerably from progressive social statement toward casual feature of reality. American media has a hugely disproportionate (fortunately waning) impact on the perceptions of both itself, and the rest of the world. As I think I mentioned earlier. Travel is safer than it has been historically. interracial marriage is firmy enough ensconced in our culture to give support to non-heterosexual marriage equality laws.


The prurient fetishizing among among white men about black men having sex with white women could be kept more to oneself.
Continue combating subtle discriminations. Keep improving the quality and availability of counseling. Education on the implicit bias that we find in law enforcement, healthcare and education. Broader demographics of human trials when it comes for medical research.

I am sure there are others, but that is what comes to mind

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

 

[ppp]

I see marriage more of a covenant which requires a little more effort. It gets better as time goes on. Like gold, it is refined through the fire of life and gets better.

Obviously, I am speaking in context of my signature knowing that divorce is sometimes the only answer as when abuse is happening.

5 years is only a “getting to know you” phase and learning how to live with each other. 7 years is a milestone to start finding what marriage is all about IMV

I don't see it as a covenant, at least not in your usage.

 

[Trailblazer]

My husband started to get irritated about a mess the other day, and I said "yo, I just dealt with [kid's] mania fits. I can't really express to you how little I'm concerned about that mess."

He didn't drop his grumpy face, but he dropped the commentary.

Before my son's mental health tanked, I'd take the complaints more seriously. Now, nope.

I had the opposite issue since it was not my job to clean the house, it was his job after he retired, which was for the last six years of the marriage.
Even before he retired I expected him to pull his weight and do half of the housecleaning, since we both worked full time and we both took care of all the cats.

In your case I think your children have to be the priority, and dollars to donuts your house cannot be as bad as mine!

 

[JustGeorge]

I had the opposite issue since it was not my job to clean the house, it was his job after he retired, which was for the last six years of the marriage.
Even before he retired I expected him to pull his weight and do half of the housecleaning, since we both worked full time and we both took care of all the cats.

In your case I think your children have to be the priority, and dollars to donuts your house cannot be as bad as mine!

It was my job to clean the house, but you know how bad the issues with my son got. At that point, just coping with, directing, and seeking help for his condition became a job that took up all of my time from waking to sleeping(and sometimes even my sleep was interrupted).

I figured if anyone had issue with the mess, they can see to it themselves.

Its getting better, but we're not completely where we need to be. I'm still really burned out, too.

 

[Trailblazer]

I figured if anyone had issue with the mess, they can see to it themselves.

Its getting better, but we're not completely where we need to be. I'm still really burned out, too.

At least in your case there is a "we." I think that is half the battle.

 

[Kenny]

I don't see it as a covenant, at least not in your usage.

Having parents that went through a divorce as well as my wife, we have seen what divorce does to the next generation.

Yes, it is a different approach.

Blood covenants usually has specific points to it.

1. Vows
2. gifts exchange
3. Something that reminds them of the covenant (like a scar or other examples)
4. Shedding of blood
5. Only death can separate it.

In our pre-marital counseling, we approach it as:

1. Vows
2. Gifts (the giving of their bodies to each other)
3. Rings to remind them of the covenant
4. The shedding of blood when the hymen is broken
5. Only death should separate it. (Obviously there can be other reasons to break it, like abuse or infidelity which breaks covenant)

A different perspective for sure

 

[ppp]

Having parents that went through a divorce as well as my wife, we have seen what divorce does to the next generation.

Yes, it is a different approach.

Blood covenants usually has specific points to it.

1. Vows
2. gifts exchange
3. Something that reminds them of the covenant (like a scar or other examples)
4. Shedding of blood
5. Only death can separate it.

In our pre-marital counseling, we approach it as:

1. Vows
2. Gifts (the giving of their bodies to each other)
3. Rings to remind them of the covenant
4. The shedding of blood when the hymen is broken
5. Only death should separate it. (Obviously there can be other reasons to break it, like abuse or infidelity which breaks covenant)

A different perspective for sure

Is the just a monologue? Am I just suppose to spill out facts about covenants back at you?

 

[Kenny]

Is the just a monologue? Am I just suppose to spill out facts about covenants back at you?

no…. just sharing info through my lenses.

 

[ppp]

no…. just sharing info through my lenses.

Why? That is a serious question. Not a dig.

 

[Kenny]

Marriages should have term limits (3-5 years) where the participants must actively choose to extend the commitment. They should constantly evaluate and reevaluate the legal, financials and personal entanglement, and decide whether the partnership is working to support their needs as an individual, as a parent, as a partner, and whatever else the persons involved deem important. Get rid of divorce. Give us re-enlistments!

I shared my position because a 3-5 year marriage ends up hurting people more than helping people. It hurts children and future relationships. We end up learning and practicing how to make divorce and how not to have successful marriages.

I like the story of Alexander the great when he burned his boats (the only way to retreat) having invaded the mainland saying, “we go home in Persian ships, or we die”. His people fought harder because there was no retreat. While there is a boat of escape, you just won’t fight as hard.

In pre-marital counseling we share how to “burn the boats of divorce and unforgiveness” - to have them fight harder when they know there is no retreat.

 

[Kenny]

Why? That is a serious question. Not a dig.

no, my answer is in context of the original post. An honest answer.

 

[ppp]

I shared my position because a 3-5 year marriage ends up hurting people more than helping people. It hurts children and future relationships. We end up learning and practicing how to make divorce and how not to have successful marriages.

Are you just announcing your religious convictions?

 

[Kenny]

Are you just announcing your religious convictions?

In my perspective, I am sharing what marriage should be like.

Obviously people will have different viewpoints of what marriage should be like - your original post paints a different viewpoint

 

[ppp]

In my perspective, I am sharing what marriage should be like.

Which is just an announcement of some of your religious convictions. Correct?

My point is that simply listing what you think marriage should be is not conversation. It's just a recitation. A laundry list. Bullet points.

 

[Kenny]

Which is just an announcement of some of your religious convictions. Correct?

My point is that simply listing what you think marriage should be is not conversation. It's just a recitation. A laundry list. Bullet points.

I’m not sure I understand… how is my viewpoint different from your viewpoint?

 

[ppp]

I’m not sure I understand… how is my viewpoint different from your viewpoint?

How is your viewpoint different? Do you mean in nature? Or in content?