My guess is that part of the problem is your "Catholic-Buddhist-Sufi-Jewish-Hindu Quaker" shotgun approach. It's rather difficult to cross a body of water in several boats. Also what exactly do you mean by a commitment to Free Will?
Y'know, YmirGF, I think you may be right about my brain being a bit addled because of my religious identity, which is always in flux. You said it more politely, but it amounts to the same thing. Lately, the Catholic in me has emerged and she is a real harpy. Nag nag nag. Guilt guilt guilt. The Buddhist is patient with her and chats with her about detachment, but she is a persistent self-obsessed woman.
Now, I don't want to be self-indulgent (revise that: I don't want to APPEAR self-indulgent), but my thoughts about the dubious reality of Enlightenment emerged because of a stressful relationship I am having with a woman who irritates me beyond reason. I am trying to respond to her with loving-kindness and I DO, in my behavior, but inside my brain, I fester. She is certainly not an ill-intentioned person and tries to be sensitive, but she is sooooo needy and obtuse and pretentious that it makes me cringe...at both what she says and how I respond. She used to be quite wealthy and spoiled, but now she is having serious financial problems and I am trying to help her. I give her food and money and I gave her all my gift certificates that I had received at Christmas. I am not bragging about this because I did these kind deeds unwillingly. I ORDERED myself to do them. But, alas, I can't order my emotions to do what I want and my dislike for her is getting more and more intense. The other day, when I gave her apples, she told me she only eats organic apples. I felt like biting her.
So, these are the strategies I have been using. 1. I imagine her as a child 2. I imagine her being tortured by Isis. 3. I imagine myself on my deathbed, thinking about her. 4. I try to BE her. 5.I imagine ourselves as characters in a novel, and I try to think like I would want my character in the novel to think. 6. i watch my angry self from a distance. I am good at doing this when I am alone, but fail miserably when I interact with her. 7. I imagine Jesus or Ramakrishna or Pope Francis by my side cheering me on. 8 I imagine Jesus or Ramakrishna or Pope Francis looking at me with a disappointed expression 9. I imagine that I am battling a demon. 10. I think about how much I am learning about myself as a result of her presence in my life. The "manure for Enlightenment" idea. 11. I try not to expect her to act differently. 12. I take brisk walks and mutter to myself.
Thus far, none of these strategies has worked. I have advanced from minor irritation to loathing. I WANT my gift certificates back!
So, does anyone have any suggestions? Should we, as Mother Teresa used to say, "Give until it hurts"? Is it foolish to act in way which reflects a level of spirituality which you have not yet attained? Or is it better to "Fake it until you make it."?
In actuality, I am not as frustrated with her as I am frustrated with myself. I wanna be enlightened....NOW!