I've heard (and seen) the theory but was unaware of the book.
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Evil Manager
- Thread starter lewisnotmiller
- Start date
I've heard (and seen) the theory but was unaware of the book.
Remember the classics:
- Inspirational posters and small parties instead of bonuses or raises
- Mandatory pep rallies every morning where you tell jokes that everyone must laugh at to show spirit.
- Frequently change the company health-care plan
- Require everyone to advertise their personality profiles to encourage maximum dishonesty
- Average together performance statistics and make the mean for each week the required target for following weeks.
- As you eliminate employees replace them with temps that other employees must train
- Put mean little lying idiotic jerks into minor positions of power for no apparent reason, ostensibly to encourage them.
- Show favoritism to people who are better looking
- Tell your employees they are like your children. Frequently emphasize that you are all like a big family.
- Have Brown Nose Tuesdays, so that employees 'May' bring you food, presents and compliments.
- Open floor plan with video cameras
- Have frequent tours
- Dress like Steve Jobs and have minions that follow you about complementing you
Wu Wei
ursus senum severiorum and ex-Bisy Backson
1) Rename all business consultants to 'minions'.
You also must make them walk at least 3 steps behind you wherever you go and never EVER let them have their head higher than yours.... if you sit they have to sit.... lower than you
2) Schedule all performance reviews during happy hour at the pub, and refuse to speak due to having a sore throat, miraculously cured when provided a tasty beverage.
Show up late and make sure you tell them how much you enjoyed happy hour
3) Change the dress code to demand everyone dresses in black suits, dress in grey myself, and grow a tiny little mustache.
Forego the mustache, it will just give them a justifiable reason to complain to HR. But make them dress the same as you, but do not tell them what you are wearing, then when they show up dressed differently, send them home to change, docking their pay for every hour they take to return
4) Harrass people constantly about getting their timesheets in on time. (everyone knows I'm constantly behind on my time sheets)
Then find fault with every time sheet and make them do it over
5) Not let people know when other consultants (sorry, minions) have gone on leave and then intimate that 'They knew too much and we had to "deal" with them'
Or, simply just start random conversations about Siberia, banishment and exile
And don't forget to never EVER discuss your evil plans on any sort of social media because it can, and will, be used against you later for purposes of blackmail or dismissal (aka over throw of your evil rule by your minions).......ummm.....oops
I recommend lording your status over the minions.
(It inspires them.)
Getting pointy hair is good too.
(It inspires them.)
Getting pointy hair is good too.
One more that happened to me. Assuming there's a specific start time to the day, walk out of your corner office with a clipboard and note who is and who is not sitting in the assigned seat. For bonus points, do that just before and just after lunch and right at quitting time.
Wu Wei
ursus senum severiorum and ex-Bisy Backson
@lewisnotmiller Also.... sit in your office, in low light, starring into space...with a bit of an evil grin...and then, at the proper time...laugh maniacally....then...maniacally, quietly, but not to quietly for others to hear.....say the name of a random employee....
Kilgore Trout
Misanthropic Humanist
Schedule status meetings last thing on Friday and first thing on Monday. Go into hysterics every Monday morning over why nobody has accomplished anything since the last status meeting.
Make sure people always overhear you criticizing them for things they weren't responsible for, and complimenting others for things they were.
Urgently push everyone to get reports/tasks/projects completed for your review the afternoon before you take week-long vacations. Don't open their emails or look at anything until you get back. Ask why they didn't fix any problems while you were gone.
Make sure people always overhear you criticizing them for things they weren't responsible for, and complimenting others for things they were.
Urgently push everyone to get reports/tasks/projects completed for your review the afternoon before you take week-long vacations. Don't open their emails or look at anything until you get back. Ask why they didn't fix any problems while you were gone.
This is funny because it's true. Myself and one of the guys I am now supposed to manage took to taking these meetings via headsets whilst sitting in the local pub with a pint. Not sure how I'm going to manage that now...
Bahahahaha!
I get vacations now? *blinks*
Thief
Rogue Theologian
Thief
Rogue Theologian
My coworkers dress like you do.....When I was management at a company, I didn't often have to go to the office, but when I did I made sure to have my Tripp pants on (excessively and exceedingly baggy black pants with lots of chains and studs), all my piercings in, and Slayer/Lamb of God/Cradle of Filth shirt on.
the company is DOOOOOOOOmmmmmmmmed!!!!!!!!!!
Inform everyone that you're an expert in efficiency and demand that your minions start communicating as much as possible with prefabricated wording you came up with.
Make sure your wording is so vague that any interpretation is as good as the next.
When they've followed your instructions, then complain that your wording doesn't work well for any situation, and request going back to using their own wording that can be tailored to each situation, ask them why they're afraid of progress.
They will tell you these communications are causing them to spend a lot of time calming down someone and explaining to that person that everyone in the company is aware the communication sent out to them doesn't really apply to their situation. Your minions will inform you this is causing them more work.
Become indignant.
Respond to that by letting your minions know you're a little disappointed to hear they're trying to avoid more work, because a "team player" always welcomes more work.
Make sure your wording is so vague that any interpretation is as good as the next.
When they've followed your instructions, then complain that your wording doesn't work well for any situation, and request going back to using their own wording that can be tailored to each situation, ask them why they're afraid of progress.
They will tell you these communications are causing them to spend a lot of time calming down someone and explaining to that person that everyone in the company is aware the communication sent out to them doesn't really apply to their situation. Your minions will inform you this is causing them more work.
Become indignant.
Respond to that by letting your minions know you're a little disappointed to hear they're trying to avoid more work, because a "team player" always welcomes more work.
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Kilgore Trout
Misanthropic Humanist
If you're not taking a week off every other week, you're not doing the evil manager thing right.
Send underlings out to run degrading errands for you.
They could be forced to go buy Preparation H, Viagra, Tampons, Astro Glide, & People Magazine.
They could be forced to go buy Preparation H, Viagra, Tampons, Astro Glide, & People Magazine.
Shadow Wolf
Certified People sTabber & Business Owner
Is this the doom that involves me kicking back with a tub of popcorn to enjoy the chaos and destruction, or the doom that involves a super cute robot in a green doggy costumes and lots of cupcakes and a doomey-doom-doom song number?
Be verbally abusive (not really) to employees and make sure to berate supervisors in front of the people they're supposed to then supervise.
This will make everyone respect you.
Then, when it's obvious everyone is talking about what a jerk you are, send your wife in to smooth things over. Have her explain it.
The problem is you're just so much smarter than everyone else, and it's painful for you to have to communicate with people that aren't as smart as you.
It's not that you're mean when you yell over trivial things, or that it's unfair of you to expect them to analyze and give recommendations based upon data you haven't given them access to.
It's just that you're frustrated no one is at your level of intelligence. Everyone should understand that and accept your mistreatment of them.
This will make everyone respect you.
Then, when it's obvious everyone is talking about what a jerk you are, send your wife in to smooth things over. Have her explain it.
The problem is you're just so much smarter than everyone else, and it's painful for you to have to communicate with people that aren't as smart as you.
It's not that you're mean when you yell over trivial things, or that it's unfair of you to expect them to analyze and give recommendations based upon data you haven't given them access to.
It's just that you're frustrated no one is at your level of intelligence. Everyone should understand that and accept your mistreatment of them.
Kilgore Trout
Misanthropic Humanist
Where did you get my shopping list?
From your (evil) manager.
'send your wife in to smooth things over'
This is a perfect example of an oxymoron.
Oh, wonderful. This could be useful.
It's great if you can put your minions in the middle of some sort of awkward power struggle between you and your wife (or you and another member of management) where they can't possibly win.
Maybe your wife could go into the workspace when there's something important you just asked some minions to do -- and talk incessantly to them for an extended period of time -- and not pause long enough for a polite excuse like, "It was great seeing you, but I really have to get back to work."
Then, after she's talked for a long, long time...and everyone knows about the talents, competitions, performances, and dramas of your children's lives, have her announce she knows she's kept them all from their work for too long -- and how much you hate when she does that -- so they shouldn't mention it to you.
Then, go in and berate the employees for goofing off, and not having their work done yet.