I was raised in the Catholic church. Was baptized, received communion, went to confession, was confirmed, and honestly enjoyed the Sunday services. I liked the idea of community, all the varying charity services we involved ourselves in to help others, the sights, sounds, pageantry, compassion, and feelings of joy.
There were two nagging doubts in my mind, however, as I kneeled to pray at night before bed:
1) I was attracted to males, but I couldn't shake my attraction to females. I had no idea that bisexuality existed, but was taught that homosexuality is sick and an abomination. So I prayed, and begged, and cried, and trusted in God to heal me of my attractions. All was fine until a pretty woman would sit next to me in the pews on Sunday, and the roller coaster ride of electricity and self-loathing would start again.
2) I could never feel right with the idea of an anthropomorphic deity who demands a conditional relationship with his followers. Believe, or burn. I prayed and studied to come to terms with it as a truism, and in college became involved with Campus Crusade for Christ, and I continued to fret over that teaching. Believe, or burn. Eventually, I felt the entire Christian theology as it was taught to me demanded an abusive relationship where my understanding of God could be flawed, and if I understood incorrectly, I'm doomed to an eternity in Hell. It's like being tied in a chair, doused with gasoline, and set on fire because I didn't please dad enough.
I eventually chose to leave the Christian community and take a break from religion. I searched for a few years, even tried more progressive and universalist beliefs. After a yoga class in NYC, somebody suggested I look into Buddhism, which I had no idea what it was except I thought it was some fat guy whose belly you rub for good luck. I finally gave in, went to Barnes and Noble, looked in the Eastern religion section, saw a few books by Thich Nhat Hanh, bought one and took it home to read.
Right from the beginning, I was skeptical, but the teaching tugged at my heart. So I practiced. I meditated every day and practiced and studied. I stopped being angry. I forgave all those harmed me from the Christian community. I felt true loving kindness and an open heart.
I understand life and death differently now, and whenever I think of the Christian God, I'm usually just compelled to give him a hug.
It always seems like he needs one.