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Friends with ''Benefits''

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Deidre

Well-Known Member
*bump*

Welp...my neighbor whose been a friend of mine for a while, we run and go to the gym together sometimes...and we had a brief fling over a year ago...asked me if I'd 'see' him...so?? I said yes. Time to start having some fun again. My grandmother was sick this whole past year, and when she died last week, my world sunk. But, she would want me to live my life. And I've closed the door on my ex bf for good...that's not gonna work.

So, this could be my first quasi FWB arrangement evar. lol ^_^

We will see........ :sunflower:
 
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MD

MD

qualiaphile
I have a FWB situation with an older woman at the moment. It works out quite well since we both have clearly defined borders and are great friends. We are both too busy with our lives to be in a relationship at the moment and both want different things from a relationship, so it's only friendship and sex. Mostly the latter.
 
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Deidre

Well-Known Member
shahz said:
I have a FWB situation with an older woman at the moment. It works out quite well since we both have clearly defined borders and are great friends. We are both too busy with our lives to be in a relationship at the moment and both want different things from a relationship, so it's only friendship and sex. Mostly the latter.
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I think this is mad cool!
Awesome and hope things continue to work out for you both.

At different times in our lives, we may want different things from a relationship. It's in being honest with one's self and others that will make for the best relationships, me thinks.

:heart:
 
wintersolstice

wintersolstice

Member
sunrise123 said:
I can really only speak to my personal experience - My personal experience is that the last 38 years of our 45 year marriage have been really really wonderful. The first few years were really rough but both of us are very stubborn people who would rather have died than given up. So we stuck it out in spite of the "fire" that burned us both. And in the process sandpapered both of our rough edges and forged a lifetime bond of love.

And to note that the divorce rate has been getting better The Truth About The Divorce Rate Is Surprisingly Optimistic

As far as morality goes, I think you need to rely on your best personal understanding.
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Just curious--what has contributed to the success of your long marriage?
 
sun rise

sun rise

The world is on fire
Premium Member
wintersolstice said:
Just curious--what has contributed to the success of your long marriage?
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The #1 thing was stubbornness. Some might call it commitment but I call the spade a spade - we were both too stubborn to quit. Other factors included a good family therapist and a couple of great books: "The Intimate Enemy had very helpful fight techniques. "The Mirages of Marriage" helped us understand the fantasies we had brought to our marriage.

But I think the biggest help was that we typically battled about communication and habits. It took both of us a long time to realize that men and women typically have different communication styles. For me it meant learning that when my wife asked if I were interested in doing something, it meant that she was saying she'd like to do something. And when I made a statement about doing something, I was inviting her to disagree not to insist that we had to do something. "You Just Don't Understand" is a book which explores this.

Habit fights were the funny in retrospect fights about such things as, would you believe, where to squeeze the toothpaste, and so forth.

What really helped us were fundamentals we agreed on such as attitudes toward money. In addition, we both have different tastes so each of us is free to pursue our own hobbies without feeling the need that we HAVE to do it as a couple.

Even with that, it was rough for a while, because we are both headstrong people.
 
wintersolstice

wintersolstice

Member
sunrise123 said:
The #1 thing was stubbornness. Some might call it commitment but I call the spade a spade - we were both too stubborn to quit. Other factors included a good family therapist and a couple of great books: "The Intimate Enemy had very helpful fight techniques. "The Mirages of Marriage" helped us understand the fantasies we had brought to our marriage.

But I think the biggest help was that we typically battled about communication and habits. It took both of us a long time to realize that men and women typically have different communication styles. For me it meant learning that when my wife asked if I were interested in doing something, it meant that she was saying she'd like to do something. And when I made a statement about doing something, I was inviting her to disagree not to insist that we had to do something. "You Just Don't Understand" is a book which explores this.

Habit fights were the funny in retrospect fights about such things as, would you believe, where to squeeze the toothpaste, and so forth.

What really helped us were fundamentals we agreed on such as attitudes toward money. In addition, we both have different tastes so each of us is free to pursue our own hobbies without feeling the need that we HAVE to do it as a couple.

Even with that, it was rough for a while, because we are both headstrong people.
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Thank you for your thoughtful response. It has prompted me to think of factors that have contributed to my own long-term marriage. I don't think I could have said it as clearly and concisely as you did!
The first thing that comes to mind is the fact that I really like my husband. That may sound strange--of course I love him, but I like him enough to really, really enjoy being with him. We laugh together, talk endlessly about our kids, gripe about our jobs, wonder about retirement and hang out with out dogs.
I always think about our relationship like a Venn diagram, you know the ones from math class with the overlapping circles. We each have our own sphere of interests and activities, but have that wonderful area where our circles overlap.
 
sun rise

sun rise

The world is on fire
Premium Member
wintersolstice said:
Thank you for your thoughtful response. It has prompted me to think of factors that have contributed to my own long-term marriage. I don't think I could have said it as clearly and concisely as you did!
The first thing that comes to mind is the fact that I really like my husband. That may sound strange--of course I love him, but I like him enough to really, really enjoy being with him. We laugh together, talk endlessly about our kids, gripe about our jobs, wonder about retirement and hang out with out dogs.
I always think about our relationship like a Venn diagram, you know the ones from math class with the overlapping circles. We each have our own sphere of interests and activities, but have that wonderful area where our circles overlap.
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It does not strike me at all strange. My wife is my best friend. And, yes, our shared love for the various dogs we've had has helped.
 
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Deidre

Well-Known Member
Me thinks that if more people had sex with people
sunrise123 said:
It does not strike me at all strange. My wife is my best friend. And, yes, our shared love for the various dogs we've had has helped.
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I think this is key, and is often an over looked aspect of relationships. Too many people aren't friends at all...or think that it's not possible.

I'm seeing my neighbor now, and we have been friends for a while, and so trust is built up, and there aren't all these pretenses to work through. I thought it might feel weird to turn from friends to a sexual thing, but...so far ...that part is working out just fine. :D

The only 'rule' we have discussed to agree upon in this thing, is to not see others.

I'm happy, so far...and it's nice to be seeing a guy that gets me for me. Likes me for me, and I like him for him.

But, would I call this a fwb thing? I'm reluctant to do that, because I see him as way more than someone just 'providing me with a benefit.'
 
Penumbra

Penumbra

Veteran Member
Premium Member
I've only ever been monogamous. Intimacy is more important to me than sexuality, so while sex is interesting to me when it comes to someone I'm deeply intimate with, it's uninteresting to me when it comes to someone I'm not deeply intimate with.

I wouldn't necessarily mandate that a partner of mine can not have sex with anyone else if they really want to. But I guess I would naturally seek relationships with people who also tend to be monogamous or near-monogamous.
 
MysticSang'ha

MysticSang'ha

Big Squishy Hugger
Premium Member
For what it's worth, my husband of 12 years and who has also been my partner for close to 15 years is without a doubt my best friend. We both feel that being friends first is the key to sustaining our closeness, trust, and intimacy. It helps us through when we don't like each other very much and when we argue. Nothing touches our friendship. It's our shared sanctuary.

So, it makes sense that we see FWB as a good thing. Being best friends, our benefits package is unmatched. ;)
 
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Deidre

Well-Known Member
Penumbra said:
I've only ever been monogamous. Intimacy is more important to me than sexuality, so while sex is interesting to me when it comes to someone I'm deeply intimate with, it's uninteresting to me when it comes to someone I'm not deeply intimate with.

I wouldn't necessarily mandate that a partner of mine can not have sex with anyone else if they really want to. But I guess I would naturally seek relationships with people who also tend to be monogamous or near-monogamous.
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I like that comment...intimacy is more important than sexuality. I'd have to agree...but it's been hard for me to trust men over the past few years. Mainly stemming from my childhood, but I'm working on it. With the guy I'm seeing now, he has helped me trust since we have been friends for a while first...and the intimate part is coming around. Very well put, appreciate your candor. :)

MysticSang'ha said:
For what it's worth, my husband of 12 years and who has also been my partner for close to 15 years is without a doubt my best friend. We both feel that being friends first is the key to sustaining our closeness, trust, and intimacy. It helps us through when we don't like each other very much and when we argue. Nothing touches our friendship. It's our shared sanctuary.

So, it makes sense that we see FWB as a good thing. Being best friends, our benefits package is unmatched. ;)
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I just love your quote. And congrats on what seems to be a loving and fulfilling marriage! :heart:
 
Wirey

Wirey

Fartist
You're talking to the wrong guy. I'll schtupp anyone. And I mean anyone. See that chick over there with the wooden leg and the moustache? I'm going for it!
 
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Deidre

Well-Known Member
I highly recommend dating one's neighbor. The best decision I've made in a long time. Saw him earlier for a little while...............swoon.

And I can walk back home, and sleep in my own bed. I have a hard time sharing a bed with guys. :tired:
 
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