Give Me Self Esteem

[Ella S.]

How does taking others' constructive feedback on board fit into the above? For example, we all sometimes unintentionally do things that could upset others for understandable reasons, and we all have room for improvement throughout our lives. If we refuse to give weight to anyone else's perspective or judgment about our actions or words, aren't we limiting our potential for improvement and consideration of others (where applicable)?

In my opinion, "constructive feedback" is inherently nonjudgmental.

 

[YmirGF]

How does taking others' constructive feedback on board fit into the above? For example, we all sometimes unintentionally do things that could upset others for understandable reasons, and we all have room for improvement throughout our lives. If we refuse to give weight to anyone else's perspective or judgment about our actions or words, aren't we limiting our potential for improvement and consideration of others (where applicable)?

That is one of the key elements in group dynamics, @Debater Slayer

In a very real way, the group temporarily takes on the role of a person's "better nature", if you will, and through relentless digging, prodding and cajolling, the guys begin to take on that "better nature" themselves. In a way, we simply draw out of them what is already there. Like unused muscles that just need excercise. Does that make any sense?

 

[Debater Slayer]

That is one of the key elements in group dynamics, @Debater Slayer

In a very real way, the group temporarily takes on the role of a person's "better nature", if you will, and through relentless digging, prodding a cajolling, the guys begin to take on that "better nature" themselves. In a way, we simply draw out of them what is already there. Like unused muscles that just need excercise. Does that make any sense?

Yes, it does. I believe that many people benefit from others' feedback and introspection partially based on that, hence my questions in my previous post.

 

[SalixIncendium]

How does taking others' constructive feedback on board fit into the above? For example, we all sometimes unintentionally do things that could upset others for understandable reasons, and we all have room for improvement throughout our lives. If we refuse to give weight to anyone else's perspective or judgment about our actions or words, aren't we limiting our potential for improvement and consideration of others (where applicable)?

Another great question.

As I said, one has to decide if the feedback is, indeed, constructive, and if so, as I alluded to above, make the choice whether or not to accept that perspective into one's own reality.

Another thing that I think is important to point out is that one only has the power to upset me, either unintentionally or intentionally, even if the reason is understandable, if I give them that privilege. Likewise, I only have the power to upset someone if they give me that same privilege.

Do you have an example of something that one might do unintentionally to upset another for an understandable reason? Sharing one might help me to better explain this.

 

[YmirGF]

Another great question.

As I said, one has to decide if the feedback is, indeed, constructive, and if so, as I alluded to above, make the choice whether or not to accept that perspective into one's own reality.

Another thing that I think is important to point out is that one only has the power to upset me, either unintentionally or intentionally, even if the reason is understandable, if I give them that privilege. Likewise, I only have the power to upset someone if they give me that same privilege.

Do you have an example of something that one might do unintentionally to upset another for an understandable reason? Sharing one might help me to better explain this.

Wow. The best advice I got before I went to prison was this.

"The only thing I have control over are my reactions!"

Being aware of that fact gave me a tremendous advantage in dealing with the crazy environment of prison life. That single idea kept me mindful and on my toes.

 

[Debater Slayer]

Another great question.

As I said, one has to decide if the feedback is, indeed, constructive, and if so, as I alluded to above, make the choice whether or not to accept that perspective into one's own reality.

Another thing that I think is important to point out is that one only has the power to upset me, either unintentionally or intentionally, even if the reason is understandable, if I give them that privilege. Likewise, I only have the power to upset someone if they give me that same privilege.

Do you have an example of something that one might do unintentionally to upset another for an understandable reason? Sharing one might help me to better explain this.

When I first joined this forum back in 2011, I went into the chat room that was informally associated with it and started getting to know people there. At the time, I had little to no understanding of the dynamics of slurs or their impact, and I was homophobic as well. I used a homophobic slur around an LGBT member who remained admirably calm while explaining to me why I was wrong to do so.

I didn't intend to upset them, especially given my ignorance at the time, but they were upset for perfectly understandable reasons. If I had dismissed their feedback, I believe I would have missed out on an immensely valuable opportunity to learn and improve.

There have been other examples over the years where someone has told me I could be a better listener, more mindful person, etc. Such feedback is not always spot on or well-intentioned, of course, but I believe a lot of it can be.

 

[JustGeorge]

Wow. The best advice I got before I went to prison was this.

"The only thing I have control over are my reactions!"

Being aware of that fact gave me a tremendous advantage in dealing with the crazy environment of prison life. That single idea kept me mindful and on my toes.

Controlling reactions can be exhausting over time... at least it is getting so for me.

 

[SalixIncendium]

When I first joined this forum back in 2011, I went into the chat room that was informally associated with it and started getting to know people there. At the time, I had little to no understanding of the dynamics of slurs or their impact, and I was homophobic as well. I used a homophobic slur around an LGBT member who remained admirably calm while explaining to me why I was wrong to do so.

I didn't intend to upset them, especially given my ignorance at the time, but they were upset for perfectly understandable reasons. If I had dismissed their feedback, I believe I would have missed out on an immensely valuable opportunity to learn and improve.

There have been other examples over the years where someone has told me I could be a better listener, more mindful person, etc. Such feedback is not always spot on or well-intentioned, of course, but I believe a lot of it can be.

I admire the courage it takes to talk about this.

This would be a perfect example of something that you realized the feedback was constructive, and you made the choice to accept that perspective as your own, and as a result, grew as a person. It's important to recognize what is constructive and what is not.

I also suspect that this acceptance was much easier given the reaction of the person you say you upset. It might have been much more difficult if that person simply called you a bigoted jerk and did not bother to explain why your comments were offensive, in which case, you may have rejected their opinion due to not being constructive.

 

[SalixIncendium]

Controlling reactions can be exhausting over time... at least it is getting so for me.

Controlling reactions doesn't necessarily mean don't react. It means rather than going the path of a knee-jerk reaction, consider a reaction that might be more productive.

And yes, the practice can be exhausting, but practice makes perfect and eventually, you'll master it.

 

[JustGeorge]

Controlling reactions doesn't necessarily mean don't react. It means rather than going the path of a knee-jerk reaction, consider a reaction that might be more productive.

And yes, the practice can be exhausting, but practice makes perfect and eventually, you'll master it.

I've mastered the external response. Not the internal.

 

[Debater Slayer]

I admire the courage it takes to talk about this.

This would be a perfect example of something that you realized the feedback was constructive, and you made the choice to accept that perspective as your own, and as a result, grew as a person. It's important to recognize what is constructive and what is not.

I also suspect that this acceptance was much easier given the reaction of the person you say you upset. It might have been much more difficult if that person simply called you a bigoted jerk and did not bother to explain why your comments were offensive, in which case, you may have rejected their opinion due to not being constructive.

In hindsight, I wouldn't have blamed them if they had reacted angrily to what I said, but I completely agree that the way they handled it made their feedback more powerful in that situation. I'm also grateful they remained calm even though they, in my opinion, had no obligation to do so.

 

[JustGeorge]

In hindsight, I wouldn't have blamed them if they had reacted angrily to what I said, but I completely agree that the way they handled it made their feedback more powerful in that situation. I'm also grateful they remained calm even though they, in my opinion, had no obligation to do so.

I appreciate people who are able to act calmly in such situations... it helps to humanize the other 'side'(on whatever the topic is), and that's when people actually start learning from each other...

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

I hold the belief that people, when not mentally sick, generally do have some of the best ideas on how to act around others, good ideas of themselves, etc.

However, I think those perceptions get clouded over time, by bigotry, conditioning, etc. And I also think that no one is really above those errors, or accepting them into their lives (intentionally or unintentionally) and incorporating them.

So despite myself not agreeing with Christians on most things, I do likewise see children as "more perfect" philosophically quite often (Christians would call this "sinless" or such).

As for self-esteem, it seems there are just as many reasons to reject such concepts (ie, self-esteem) as accept them, but I kind of prefer having those concepts myself due to the strong risk/reward system of self-esteem that suits me.

 

[SalixIncendium]

I've mastered the external response. Not the internal.

Mastery of the internal is where what I'm discussing above is helpful.

 

[JustGeorge]

Mastery of the internal is where what I'm discussing above is helpful.

Meh, I need an instruction manual. I'm having difficulty finding it...

I know its not on the bottom of my foot. I checked there. Back of the neck, maybe? Or, maybe like lost cell phones and keys, its under my butt...

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

In terms of receiving constructive criticism, I value it, but it's (usually) not more harsh than I criticize myself, and likewise, I have already run through most scenarios in my mind. Being my own worst critic has gotten me out of the slump I was once in.

That being said, there is a belief I hold that can lead to social awkwardness. It's, if someone opens the social door with me to criticize me, I start to consider that door open and, if necessary, I can make those criticisms two-way and provide constructive criticism of them, if necessary, too. Which like I said, is socially awkward because some like to provide constructive criticism more than they do receive it.

 

[RestlessSoul]

I could be off base, but this sounds very familiar to what we mean in therapy about a person's self-awareness. It is amazing to watch guys, under intense verbal fire, not know how to react because they have become so disconnected from every day reality. This normally happens over a period of many years, so these patterns of behavior become deeply ingrained. They often see nothing wrong with their actions because of a deep-seated sense of entitlement accompanied by an unrecognized/misdirected rage. The sense of entitlement generally results from maladaptive reasoning due to early childhood trauma.

The rage is a bit more complicated but seems to be linked to very low self-esteem. For example, when I was in the spotlight, it took the group weeks to break through my defenses. Dave hounded me to get angry at my abusers. Then the shoe dropped. Dave stumbled onto the fact that I needed permission to get angry. My parents had beaten that ability to respond in a natural angry fashion out of me and it took a very long time for me to feel comfortable getting angry. Through maladaptive reasoning the young Paul created this seemingly happy Pollyanna personality where everything was always rainbows and unicorns. It was my coping mechanism and gave the illusion I was this happy kid.

The kick in the head is before you can help folks build their self-esteen/self-awareness it is essential to get to the bottom of what has or is causing their disconnect. That can be ... explosive.

Anger is almost always the flip side of fear, don’t you think? But yeah, when people have spent years not permitting themselves access to their own emotions, everything becomes confused, leading to all sorts of inappropriate, destructive behaviours.