Hangups with Monogamy

[Many Sages One Truth]

Is having a single parent and a happy home more destructive then having a mother and a father who hate each other and make the children watch their abuse?

This ^

 

[ckww]

Is having a single parent and a happy home more destructive then having a mother and a father who hate each other and make the children watch their abuse?

Of course not. But most single parent families are not as beneficial as families with a mom and dad in the home. And most homes with a mom and dad in the home...are not abusive.

If you had 100 single parent families and 100 intact mom and dad families----the mom and dad families would produce a larger volume of healthier kids.

In other words...single parent families come with much greater risks.

 

[Madhuri]

Okay, so basically I am re-evaluating my outlook on relationships, and rather I really believe in monogamy or not. I have been pretty antagonistic toward marriage for about two years, and since my last break up, I feel that may be extending to monogamy in general.

Don't get me wrong, I wondered if monogamy was what I wanted back when I was about 18, but I went with it, because I figured it was the best thing to do.

I am starting to think about monogamy as a social norm. Society puts monogamy up on a pedestal and acts as though it's the best.

I just don't know anymore. Anyone else ever wondered about this?

I think this is highly individual and situational.

Some people are happier having multiple partners and some people are happier with monogamy.

The mainstream understanding is that most men gravitate to promiscuity while women gravitate to committed relationships with one man. But obviously there are deviation to this rule, but I don't know if there is any study or in-depth understanding relating to polyamory.

Obviously monogamy is a social norm. But in some cultures throughout history, polygamy has been the norm, and in some very rare cases, polyandry. I think that monogamy became a social norm as a means of creating family stability and security for women and children based on the contexts of past times.

I personally do not think that (official) polyamory is very practical in our society and I think it can cause a lot of problems. But for those inclined to that lifestyle, I'm sure it can work just fine.

I can hardly imagine being in a relationship with multiple persons and giving an equal amount of love and attention to all partners. I know that if my own partner was giving more attention to anyone else I would feel jealous and hurt and insecure. I think most guys would have a hard time seeing or knowing their loved one was having sex with someone else. And to be honest, I think that for the most part, these feelings are very natural. Even in times and cultures when polygamy was the norm, there were incidents when jealous wives poisoned and killed the children of their husband's other wives. And it has often been the case that one wife was a favourite.

I personally gravitate toward the typical romantic fantasy of finding that one special person. When I am with a man that I love, nobody else interests me.

In addition, it is already hard enough to work your life around one partner. I can't imagine juggling more than that!

 

[Acim]

There are 2 discussions going on in this thread, and the one OP is on (personal issue) is one I hope to speak to, but both interest me, and I'm hoping to cover both.

The shorter version of how I look at this is open relationships allow for monogamy, and I would say is natural from a spiritual perspective. Perhaps from orthodox religious perspective what I am saying is non sacred. That is a debate I've had many times and is other discussion in this thread, but one that I don't think OP cares much about. Monogamists are still going to be monogamist and as this thread shows, are still going to be arrogant about their views.

So anyway, open relationships allow for monogamy, while monogamy completely disallows for idea of open relating, except in way that is confusing / inconsistent (i.e. look but don't touch, but don't look too much, but be friendly, but don't flirt).

Second item is marriage, while social norm, is put on pedestal that is folly on many levels. From spiritual perspective, let's just be clear that what God has joined, no human minister can 'add to' and no human detractor can 'take away from.' Therefore realize marriage is of the mind / heart, and not born of some external witnessing ceremonial event. That may be great for symbolic liaison, but for honest (to God) marriage, it is a few fries short of a happy meal. Thus, this takes the outward marriage off the pedestal and let's couple experiencing love to decide on what truly works for them.

Finally, I'm one who in past half dozen relationships I've been in or so, has done the open relationship thing. My stance is I grant this to other person, and hope for it to be granted in return. I am yet to date someone who has granted it in return. I have only once gone outside of a steady relationship, and that was in the 1980's. I have at least one partner who went outside the relationship, who pretty much forbid me to do the same. I was honored, really was, that they allowed themselves freedom to go outside relationship in way that worked for them, and that we could share openly in discussion.

IMX, it is hard enough (for romantic type as myself) to court / date / be steady with one partner, and so never had burning need to do more than this. At same time, I like my (practical) freedom and will, I think, always be looking for partner consent to experience full on open relationships as mutual understanding.

Actually, one other thing. Being single is quite nice and has benefits that don't often get played up. Single people know what these benefits are, especially if they hang out with spouse that is essentially wrapped around finger of their significant other. Perception is that single people must feel lonely often, and of all single people I know, that is simply not the case. More like occasional feelings of loneliness that are temporary at best. Single life has its rewards and ought not to be discounted given what OP is getting at.

Hope this helps.

 

[Many Sages One Truth]

Of course not. But most single parent families are not as beneficial as families with a mom and dad in the home. And most homes with a mom and dad in the home...are not abusive.

If you had 100 single parent families and 100 intact mom and dad families----the mom and dad families would produce a larger volume of healthier kids.

In other words...single parent families come with much greater risks.

I'm not sure the risk is any higher. You could be exaggerating. I've known a good deal of homes where mom and dad fight and abuse each other, if we want to talk statistics.

 

[Sunstone]

I'm not sure the risk is any higher. You could be exaggerating. I've known a good deal of homes where mom and dad fight and abuse each other, if we want to talk statistics.

From everything I've seen, children raised in single family homes are at greater risk for certain behaviors than children who are raised in two parent homes -- including two parent same sex homes. What CKWW appears to be doing, however, is arguing for the notion that correlation equals causation. But no one really knows why children from single family homes are associated with greater risk for certain behaviors. It could be something as simple as the children are not as well supervised as children from multi-parent homes. It could also be that single parents tend to be poor and that poverty -- and not single-parenthood -- is the decisive factor. It could also be any number of other factors -- take your pick from a dozen or more. To argue, like CKWW apparently does, that correlation equals causation totally destroys her earlier claims in this thread to possessing a special aptitude for logic.

 

[lunakilo]

Okay, so basically I am re-evaluating my outlook on relationships, and rather I really believe in monogamy or not. I have been pretty antagonistic toward marriage for about two years, and since my last break up, I feel that may be extending to monogamy in general.

Don't get me wrong, I wondered if monogamy was what I wanted back when I was about 18, but I went with it, because I figured it was the best thing to do.

I am starting to think about monogamy as a social norm. Society puts monogamy up on a pedestal and acts as though it's the best.

I just don't know anymore. Anyone else ever wondered about this?

My best friend has two girlfriends.
One of his girlfriends has another boyfriend as well.

They are all ok with the arrangement as far as I can tell, but my friend told me that the logistics of the situation is a nightmare.
I guess that is the worst problem as far as I can see.

If you are not in a monogamous relationship, you also can't expect someone to be there when you want/need them to be, you have to 'wait your turn' (I guess this is related to the general logistics problem)

I don't know if ' believe in monogamy', but I do find it less confusing that many other types of relationships

 

[LuisDantas]

Of course not. But most single parent families are not as beneficial as families with a mom and dad in the home. And most homes with a mom and dad in the home...are not abusive.

Sunstone gave you a good reply already, but I want to emphasize and perhaps elaborate on the point.

I am afraid that you are misunderstanding the role of statistics. Statistics show general trends. Those that you quote are intentionally made so that they fail to consider individual situations. They are useless or worse for judging the worth of specific situations.

And quite frankly, if you think that having a couple that does not divorce as parents is more important than how healthy the home environment is, you are simply not paying the matter any attention.

The fact of the matter is that single parents can be marvelous, at least when blessed with adequate support in their vicinity; and that aiming for having a traditional family is quite often a recipe for unhappiness and moral decadence.

I can personally testify about lots of children that were raised in a living hell and learned that it was the best that they could hope for because at least their family was "normal". The worst of all is that they often believe in that and therefore don't even hope for healthy, loving families of their own.

If you had 100 single parent families and 100 intact mom and dad families----the mom and dad families would produce a larger volume of healthier kids.

It depends entirely on how healthy those families are.

In other words...single parent families come with much greater risks.

But as it turns out, few people get to choose repeatedly, so there is little point in considering those statistical risks. Actually being aware of the specific situation is far wiser.