Thanks for sharing some of your life story with me. I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye with one another but feel we have a lot in common.
I think we are a similar age and I briefly became caught up in Christian fundamentalism in my early to mid 20s before taking a different course though still retaining that original connection I had with Christ. I grew up with Christianity and I have retained that connection throughout my life. I briefly courted atheism for about nine months in response to my fundamentalist encounter but psychologically couldn’t deny Christ.
That's interesting. We share that run with atheism in common as well. It took me a little longer than you with it though. Yes, atheism was a response to fundamentalism. Most definitely.
I think my joining the fundamentalist world was the need to connect with others in a family-like context, and that the clearly defined rules and boundaries was something that I needed developmentally, which had fallen through the cracks growing up in a home with a mental illness consuming everyone's energies on regular major crises.
But the price for fitting into that was my rational mind. Most certainly, I tried to make all their structures work for me, but the flaws in the rational basis for the things they were teaching, became apparent to me while I was in one of their better respected Bible colleges at the time. Long story short, after graduating, I had to face my misgivings about them, and overcoming the fears about questioning things, I ended up leaving them.
Enter a major personal crisis following that, and years of putting on the backburner questions of faith, since I had no found nowhere to hang that hat structurally, I had a bit of a "spiritual" re-awakening of what had been deliberately sidelined lacking any home for it. Poetically it seems, it was while I was watching the PBS special called The Shape of Life. It was a show about the origins of life through evolution.
In that moment, I felt I was freed from the anthropomorphic deity, literally understood, through the Christian image of God I was exposed to, which threatened independent thought as a "test of the devil". I actually found Beauty in the world through that, that "God" could be seen outside of their closed system of literalist understandings.
That lead to a full out rejection of that narrow view of God. I had to clear the table, as I'd built so much up around that image, trying to make it fit my mystical experiences. I began identifying as an atheist, as I did in fact not believe that image of God. It could not fit into my rational mind. But more deeply, as was the case even back in Bible college days, I could not fit emotionally and spiritually that image of God with my experience.
So rationally, I became an atheist. I became a bit of a voice, in online communities. Yet, the spiritual would not let go, nor should it. I remember the gradual reopening of it, where I was not shutting it out for fear of that fundamentalist nonsense I'd put behind. I remember feeling hypocritical about it, but tried to fit into that identification as a "spiritual atheist". Of course, the fellow atheists were not impressed.
Eventually a friend said to me, "I don't know why you call yourself an atheist. You're a mystic". And that got me thinking about this whole identity thing. In the same way I had "outgrown" fundamentalism, I was ready to outgrow that atheism. Eventually, that has led to a whole landscape of reality that is quite challenging to talk about. But I'd say, what I began to search for, has become the beginning of the rest of the story. No answers, only freedom to discover.
Having Faith in Christ makes sense while biblical literalism doesn’t. I’ve often had scriptures quoted at me such as John14:6 or been told if I don’t believe in the literal resurrection of Christ I’m not a real Christian. Faith comes from within and I feel no need for any prescriptive approach to Christianity the fundamentalists would want to impose.
That's actually a major step to be able to liberate God from fundamentalists! I know that, because it was for me.
Many of us have had damaging experiences growing up and I’m no exception. That doesn’t mean I’m going to unquestioningly commit to Christian fundamentalism or anything that doesn’t feel right.
Personally, I think it was fear. Fundamentalism is fear-based. It appeals to fear, and uses fear to keep you fearful and close to the fearful flock. Fear needs fear to survive.
To break away from that, is in fact an act of true faith. Wherever we end up, it's faith that says, I will overcome fear, even that threat of damnation for questioning this. That ties into atheism as well, as an act of faith breaking away from the terrifying threats of fundamentalist though which damns everything to hell but their own fear.
Perhaps the fundamentalists have helped me to become more assertive in drawing a line in the sand as well as studying the bible to discover a theology that works.
Certainly. Overcoming their fear, exercises faith. Leaving them for atheism, is also an act of faith.
Thanks again for your post. It meant a lot to me.
Sure. It's hard to try to process everything over the course of this winding path for me. But it's good to be able to breathe some fresh air a little now.