@Xavier Graham I am mentally ill too, but when I stop taking my meds, I am so focused on how I feel that I don't have any time or thoughts on God. I actually become an atheist and try to find patterns where there are none. My mental illness manifests in erotomania and hypersexuality. I devote my entire waking time to female YouTube celebrities, watching their videos, re-watching and in the comments section a lot. Simply put, love becomes such a huge focus on my life that nothing else can go through me.
However, when I am on meds, I revert back to my teenage years, when I had a lot of wonder and awe about the world. I think a lot about God and spirituality. It took me a long time to find my religion. I took the basic concept of transhumanist spirituality, found Terasem from that, and from Terasem I found Earthseed, where the ideas and concepts of Terasem come from. Earthseed, and the idea, "God is change" and Syntheism - the theology we're creating now, is just a simple extension of how I developed as a teenager.
If I were to go off my meds again, I would probably revert back to atheism, and be completely self-absorbed into my own incel behavior. It's not healthy. It sounds like we both suffer from bipolar mania, but deal with it in different ways. I found God when I was 14, before my first manic episode, and before I developed delusions as an adult. My delusions don't give me a mission from God, but rather, I focus so much on romance and obsess about it so much, and make irrational rules and behaviors, that it's completely unhealthy.
When I am
undermedicated I keep my rationale brain, but feel irritable and agitated all the time. It's awful. I am on a mood stabilizer and two anti-psychotics. I cannot be on anti-depressants or benzos, the 'feel good' meds. I've never been on stimulates either.
My point is, not all mental illness is the same. I become
more religious when I'm on meds, you become less. They say that medication helps reset your brain to a point before you were actually mentally ill. For me, that means I go back to 14 or 15. But that doesn't mean I am not mature - yes, parts of me think very similarly to when I was that age, but I have grown a lot since then. I found the religion that I now identify with. I am part of something greater than myself.
But it sounds like you are still religious with meds, you just don't have the same drive and ambition you used to have. I believe that we are all called by our own changes to shape the synverses how we desire. The only difference between someone that is successful and someone who is crazy is, if other people believe him. Obviously, when you are off meds, you act irrationally enough that other people don't believe that you are on a holy mission.
Honestly, I think two things should happen. 1 - you should keep taking your meds, so people believe what you're saying but 2 - if it is still possible at all, use the Gods you believe in to find the purpose in your life that you seek. I know for a fact that coming down from a manic episode, it may feel like you know so much and can think so well, and everything just connects - but let me tell you - it doesn't. But if you can take your medication properly, keep your Gods close, I know you can find the purpose in your life that you're looking for.
I am now RF's leading Earthseed advocate. That is the change I bring to try to change various synverses. I have defined divinity as both natural and manmade, and I want to find the best qualities of both to bring about the most positive change possible. These essays that I write, two of them are on the Pantheist DIR alone, helps me understand myself and where my theology fits. Because my mental illness was triggered when I was 18, I really only lost four years of mental progress regarding this. I had pitfalls since then, but since I've been 23, I've known about and accepted my mental illness.
Remember, you have to make one step back to go two steps forward. And there are SO many examples I could make where this is the case. But I have no doubt that you are going to find your purpose in this life. If you can be medicated and still be motivated enough to carry on your divine message, then at least at that point, other people might begin to believe you. And at that point, you'll be mindful to verify and even believe in yourself. I found myself in the medications I take, instead of losing myself or any meaningful part of me.
Good luck.
