I am pissed at my sister. (Mother's death, etc.)

[Saint Frankenstein]

My mom died from cancer, in a hospice, on Sunday. I'm all alone in Ohio and my sister is in California. She's the only family I have any contact with. Our mother is going to be cremated and now she wants the ashes. I had wanted to take the ashes. Now I don't know what to do and we're probably going to end up fighting about this. This is all a mess. There was no Will and there's the issue of whatever money my mom has left, too.

I have been a secluded, emotional wreck for the past week. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and am pretty much a shut-in and that's just normally. My mom was pretty much the only person I had in this world. She was my support, my everything. Now she's gone and I don't know how to cope. I haven't really talked to anyone in person for over a week. There was/is no shoulder for me to cry on.

While I've been on the verge of losing it, my sister has been dealing with the financial stuff and the funeral home. She was mad at me yesterday because I hadn't called the funeral home to do the paperwork. I have been avoiding everything. I was terrified because I had no money to pay any bills and the water was going to be shut off on Monday. But some money came through and I was able to pay the water bill and a couple of other bills.

I am living in a duplex that should be condemned and I also have pets to take care of. I am not really able to cope with all of this. I don't have friends here or family out here to help me. My sister, social workers and a guy from our parish have been blowing up my phone with calls. It is all too overwhelming for me, so I have mostly been ignoring the phone. My mind cannot handle all of this and suicide has crossed my mind more than once this past week.

Now my sister wants to take my mom's remains and spread them in the ocean on her own. I wanted them and I wanted to spread them.

I am hurt by this. I do not know what to do. Everything is all ****ed up. I am very angry at myself for being such a failure and a wreck, too.

 

[LuisDantas]

It should be easy enough to convince your sister to accept at least your presence in the ceremony of farewell to your mother.

Have you tried telling her directly that you want to do it?

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

It should be easy enough to convince your sister to accept at least your presence in the ceremony of farewell to your mother.

Have you tried telling her directly that you want to do it?

I just talked to her and told her that I wanted the remains. I'm here and she's not, so I don't think she can force it. I'm going to make some calls to a social worker I'm in touch with, to the funeral home and some others. I'm just starting to come out of the deep void I've been in over the last week, so I need to start getting my ducks in a row, so to speak. It is just so difficult because of my situation, including my living and mental health situation. I feel like my sister is trying to screw me over.

 

[Deidre]

I'm sorry to hear this, SF. And very sorry about your loss. Could you stay with your sister, until you can get on your own again? Would that be doable, or would that be something you don't want to consider. I know that these situations can become tense, I hope things work out in the best way possible, and that you find peace. Praying for you.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

I'm sorry to hear this, SF. And very sorry about your loss. Could you stay with your sister, until you can get on your own again? Would that be doable, or would that be something you don't want to consider. I know that these situations can become tense, I hope things work out in the best way possible, and that you find peace. Praying for you.

Thank you.

No, she lives in Orange County, California and I'm in Ohio. I have no way of getting there, even if I did want to live with her (I don't). My family is a huge mess of grudges, tension and hatred. I have quite a large family, spread out through the country, but she's actually the only relative I'm in contact with. My family mostly hates each other. Either way, I have my own plans/wishes. I'm on my own for the first time in life and I have to start from (almost) rock bottom.

 

[Deidre]

Thank you.

No, she lives in Orange County, California and I'm in Ohio. I have no way of getting there, even if I did want to live with her (I don't). My family is a huge mess of grudges, tension and hatred. I have quite a large family, spread out through the country, but she's actually the only relative I'm in contact with. My family mostly hates each other. Either way, I have my own plans/wishes. I'm on my own for the first time in life and I have to start from (almost) rock bottom.

But, you know something...I believe in you SF. I know that it's scary, but with your faith, and your intelligence, and deep down inside...your strength, you can do this. I was thinking about your situation the other day, and thought...there are programs that you could get involved in, grants that are out there to pay for school and necessities, etc. You have too much to offer, your writing for example, to not explore it. Sometimes, we have to hit bottom before we can swim up...you know? My dad and I weren't always on good terms, and coming back to faith changed a lot for me in that regard, and I know that it will for you. We are stronger sometimes, than we know.

 

[LuisDantas]

If you can, try not to be alone for the time being.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

But, you know something...I believe in you SF. I know that it's scary, but with your faith, and your intelligence, and deep down inside...your strength, you can do this. I was thinking about your situation the other day, and thought...there are programs that you could get involved in, grants that are out there to pay for school and necessities, etc. You have too much to offer, your writing for example, to not explore it. Sometimes, we have to hit bottom before we can swim up...you know? My dad and I weren't always on good terms, and coming back to faith changed a lot for me in that regard, and I know that it will for you. We are stronger sometimes, than we know.

Thanks. I guess I am much stronger than my self-hatred leads me to believe. I get my strength from my mom. I think most others who have had my life would probably kill themselves. But I haven't. I'm still here.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

If you can, try not to be alone for the time being.

Well, I have my dog.

 

[Revoltingest]

Normal people seem to know what to say at times like this.

I don't.
So....

Some nice nature makes things better.

 

[Sundance]

Thanks. I guess I am much stronger than my self-hatred leads me to believe. I get my strength from my mom. I think most others who have had my life would probably kill themselves. But I haven't. I'm still here.

And that, dear Frank, is surely a blessing.

 

[Orbit]

My mom died from cancer, in a hospice, on Sunday. I'm all alone in Ohio and my sister is in California. She's the only family I have any contact with. Our mother is going to be cremated and now she wants the ashes. I had wanted to take the ashes. Now I don't know what to do and we're probably going to end up fighting about this. This is all a mess. There was no Will and there's the issue of whatever money my mom has left, too.

I have been a secluded, emotional wreck for the past week. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and am pretty much a shut-in and that's just normally. My mom was pretty much the only person I had in this world. She was my support, my everything. Now she's gone and I don't know how to cope. I haven't really talked to anyone in person for over a week. There was/is no shoulder for me to cry on.

While I've been on the verge of losing it, my sister has been dealing with the financial stuff and the funeral home. She was mad at me yesterday because I hadn't called the funeral home to do the paperwork. I have been avoiding everything. I was terrified because I had no money to pay any bills and the water was going to be shut off on Monday. But some money came through and I was able to pay the water bill and a couple of other bills.

I am living in a duplex that should be condemned and I also have pets to take care of. I am not really able to cope with all of this. I don't have friends here or family out here to help me. My sister, social workers and a guy from our parish have been blowing up my phone with calls. It is all too overwhelming for me, so I have mostly been ignoring the phone. My mind cannot handle all of this and suicide has crossed my mind more than once this past week.

Now my sister wants to take my mom's remains and spread them in the ocean on her own. I wanted them and I wanted to spread them.

I am hurt by this. I do not know what to do. Everything is all ****ed up. I am very angry at myself for being such a failure and a wreck, too.

Why not split the ashes?

 

[Nietzsche]

Uhm. Lessee.

That's all I can do.

 

[Olinda]

I just talked to her and told her that I wanted the remains. I'm here and she's not, so I don't think she can force it. I'm going to make some calls to a social worker I'm in touch with, to the funeral home and some others. I'm just starting to come out of the deep void I've been in over the last week, so I need to start getting my ducks in a row, so to speak. It is just so difficult because of my situation, including my living and mental health situation. I feel like my sister is trying to screw me over.

St Frank, all my sympathy! When my mother died a few years ago, there was just such a sibling fight. It made the loss so much harder to bear; I thought I had lost my whole family.
What worked for me, was to simply agree to everything the others wanted. In the end, they felt bad and tried to mend the rifts. Don't know if that could work for you, but wishing you peace and strength.
Olinda

 

[vaguelyhumanoid]

You're not a failure. You're reacting in a natural, human way to a very, very difficult experience. And if you can't pay for funeral paperwork, it's not at all your fault. I've experienced severe anxiety and OCD and there have been times where I've been in an absolute abyss but every time, I've come out on the other side. I had a friend who tried to kill himself and failed. He ended up being incredibly grateful that he didn't succeed at it - he used to be homeless and now he's getting his second college degree. You're an awesome person and I know you can make it thru this.

 

[Deeje]

When we scattered my spouse's ashes, I divided them up and put them into separate little urns so that each family member could have a portion and scatter them where they felt it mattered to them. There were no arguments and everyone was happy to do what they wanted to do with them. It was their personal tribute.
So sorry that you are having to face these issues StFrank. It's hard enough losing your Mom, let alone having to deal with these sorts of issues. Family is supposed to support one another.

 

[Corthos]

I'm truly sorry to hear that you've been dealing with such a horrible thing... That's really rough.

I've always loved reading your posts, and found you an insightful and thoughtful individual. I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders, and you do yourself an injustice by being so hard on yourself.

I started life late, myself...But I'm glad I didn't give up. Never stop fighting.

I'll be praying for you.

 

[Valjean]

My sympathies, SF. Alas, I don't know how I might help, but know you've been in my thoughts.
If the social workers and guy from your parish are reaching out to you I'd advise letting them in. Your circumstances sound pretty grim. Maybe they could help.

 

[Sakeenah]

My mom died from cancer, in a hospice, on Sunday. I'm all alone in Ohio and my sister is in California. She's the only family I have any contact with. Our mother is going to be cremated and now she wants the ashes. I had wanted to take the ashes. Now I don't know what to do and we're probably going to end up fighting about this. This is all a mess. There was no Will and there's the issue of whatever money my mom has left, too.

I have been a secluded, emotional wreck for the past week. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and am pretty much a shut-in and that's just normally. My mom was pretty much the only person I had in this world. She was my support, my everything. Now she's gone and I don't know how to cope. I haven't really talked to anyone in person for over a week. There was/is no shoulder for me to cry on.

While I've been on the verge of losing it, my sister has been dealing with the financial stuff and the funeral home. She was mad at me yesterday because I hadn't called the funeral home to do the paperwork. I have been avoiding everything. I was terrified because I had no money to pay any bills and the water was going to be shut off on Monday. But some money came through and I was able to pay the water bill and a couple of other bills.

I am living in a duplex that should be condemned and I also have pets to take care of. I am not really able to cope with all of this. I don't have friends here or family out here to help me. My sister, social workers and a guy from our parish have been blowing up my phone with calls. It is all too overwhelming for me, so I have mostly been ignoring the phone. My mind cannot handle all of this and suicide has crossed my mind more than once this past week.

Now my sister wants to take my mom's remains and spread them in the ocean on her own. I wanted them and I wanted to spread them.

I am hurt by this. I do not know what to do. Everything is all ****ed up. I am very angry at myself for being such a failure and a wreck, too.

I'm sorry for your loss SF. You're not a failure but a very strong person. You've been through a lot and you are still trying you're best everyday.
Please remember that you arent alone you have rf members from all over the world who care about your wellbeing.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

I'm sorry for your loss SF. You're not a failure but a very strong person. You've been through a lot and you are still trying you're best everyday.
Please remember that you arent alone you have rf members from all over the world who care about your wellbeing.

Thank you. That's very kind of you to say. God bless you.