I should be happy

[Secret Chief]

I have struggled for most of my adult life and I cannot remember much about childhood. I might have been happy intermittently since I got married in 1985, but that was many years ago. I can remember when I first got married and for about the first 15 years, during the time when I went back to grad school and when my husband and I were close, I was happy sometimes.

I cannot remember being happy for a long time, for the last 22 years. Even when my husband was alive I was unhappy, since I was stressed all the time. In 2002 I lost my job and had to take a much lower level job for eight years, till I finally got a job back in my field in 2010. For about 20 years i had cats sick and dying all the time and since 2010 I have had incessant problems with tenants and rental houses, as well as stress at work. There was also stress in my marriage during this time.

The unhappiness I feel is different now, it is a kind of emptiness and lack of will to go on living. I know what my life purpose is but I cannot fulfill it because I don't know how to do it alone, and I lack motivation. At least when my husband was alive I had him to care for so I was fulfilling a purpose, now all I have left are the cats.

What about having a cleaner to help around the house. Any use?

 

[Secret Chief]

Please tell me why I should be interested in religion or sex, just because most people are interested in them. I am my own person.

There's that word should again!

There is no thing that anyone should be interested in.

 

[Wildswanderer]

I don't have a high opinion of therapy myself.
It seems to be all about spilling your feelings, not about actually changing.
Feelings are just feelings. They aren't good or bad in themselves. They should be observed objectively so that we can learn to control them, not allowed to be our god's.
Few people are wildly happy all the time. Better to be content even when you are hurting. I would try some kind of life coaching that is compatible with your religion, and attempt to find contentment in accomplishing goals. But I'm not saying I'm always content either.

 

[ADigitalArtist]

I am late to the party but I just wanted to say that I hope you find some extra measures of peace. Give the kitties a pat for me.

 

[exchemist]

Those are good ideas but the problem is that I am not motivated to do anything except what I have to do, take care of the house and the cats and work. I also have to eat and sleep, and I do a certain amount of exercise every day.
Eight cats is a lot to care for, but I can handle it as long as one is not sick, but if one of them is sick that sends me over the top.

@Trailblazer , I am a bit worried about you. I expect the same goes for other respondents. This sounds like borderline depression, even if your therapist doesn't think it (yet) qualifies as such. Please do not become reclusive or you risk a downward spiral. That would be a great shame as you are clearly an intelligent and thoughtful woman with plenty to give. But you seem to be still working at least, so perhaps that gives you a measure of fulfilment. If I were you I would keep working unless and until you can build up some social activity outside your work.

I think @Nimos is spot-on. It dawned on me some years ago (preparing for retirement) that the way to avoid feeling alone and worthless is to do things that are appreciated by other people. It improves your self-esteem and provides fulfilment. As a side effect, you become a happier and more attractive person to be around. So you make more friendships, which also adds interest to your life - which gets you into an upward spiral. You are obviously aching for human companionship, so cutting yourself off sounds to me like the opposite of what you need.

However I'm not surprised at all you are turned off by facile demands to "be happy". It must be maddening. When I lived for a couple of years in Houston, one of the things I found most perplexing, alien and frustrating about American culture was the constant demand to be upbeat all the time. I felt that half the people I knew must have been faking it and that it must have been a terrible struggle for them to sustain this puppyish level of enthusiastic positivity all time. It felt so false. The other thing that astonished me was the very American idea that you can reinvent yourself by your own efforts. I think that's a myth. I think we have to recognise the type of person we are and work within that framework, rather than thinking it can all be changed, if only we have enough moral courage, energy or whatever upbeat, self-help buzzword comes to mind. (I recall once stating this at work, in some workshop or other, and getting shot down in flames by everyone else in the room. That would never have happened in Europe.)

I think we all need to be allowed to be honest about the nature of the human condition. It is not all wonderful. Some situations in life are crap and we should be allowed to acknowledge that and be a bit miserable from time to time. If we aren't allowed to say so, we have to bottle it up and not share how we feel with anyone - an excellent recipe for going nuts! There is a great deal in some religions, including Christianity, about recognising and helping those in a poor state, whether materially or mentally or spiritually or whatever you want to call it. There is also plenty in Christianity and other religions about material wealth not being the key to satisfaction. So yes, you can have three houses and a good job and still feel your life is empty. If no one in your religious group can engage with that, they are failing and hiding behind more of this facade of fakery.

P.S. Sorry for the long post but you have touched a nerve!

 

[Redemptionsong]

I cannot remember exactly how long ago it was, probably over 10 years ago, when a therapist I was seeing told me ‘I should be happy’ because of all that I have – a good job, a house, and a husband. Most people would be happy if they had all of that, she said.

The reason I was seeing a therapist at that time was because my cats had been dying one by one for many years, so I had grief as well as PTSD. Basically, she was saying I should be happy even though I was grieving. As I am also a trained therapist, I felt this was very insensitive and unprofessional of her to say this but I just blew it off at the time, although it was very hurtful.

Well, I still have the good job, and now I have three houses which I own in full, but I no longer have a husband, so what would she say now? As I recall, her husband had died rather suddenly, just like mine did, and she told me the story about that. Her point is that we all have to go on, even after we lose a loved one.

Now I have a good job, and more financial security than I have ever had, and none of my eight cats are sick or dying, but I cannot say I am happy. My new therapist does not consider me clinically depressed, so I do not need drugs, just changes in my life, and she is trying to help me with some kind of treatment plan. I don’t know how much help that is going to be because I feel completely stuck. As long as I am alone, I am not going to be motivated to do anything different from the basic humdrum routine. I may never retire although I have been eligible for five years and I do not need the income from my job.

Being a believer is not a cure-all for all of life’s problems. If one more Baha’i tells me ‘I should be happy’ because I have God and the Baha’i Faith I am going to scream! That is easy for them to say since they all have the same spouses who they have had for decades. It is impossible for them to understand how I feel, and they usually don’t even try to. This is one reason I am keeping to myself rather than going to their meetings, as it would only make me feel worse, and I cannot afford to feel any worse right now.

To add to this, I don’t want to read about, think about, or talk about religion anymore, as it only makes me feel worse, so the life I had is gone, in more ways than one.

My advice, which is not accepted by many, is to get a dog that eats cats. Then, with more time on your hands, and less anxiety, you can go for some long enjoyable walks.

 

[Brian2]

Don't worry, that is not going to happen, unless it is the Will of God.
If I actually met someone who was interested in me and the feeling was mutual, then I would decide what to do.
So far, that is not looking very promising and I am caring less and less each day about getting remarried.

Yes remarriage would be a lot of hard work getting to know someone else as a life partner. A lot of hard and intense times in that unless the relationship was not very deep anyway and negotiated that way at the beginning. But would it be worth it that way.
Maybe invite some homeless people to come and share your house.

 

[Trailblazer]

What about having a cleaner to help around the house. Any use?

I already thought of that and I can afford to hire a cleaner if I want to. I thought of doing it but then the thought left since I really don't have any motivation since nobody ever comes to my house. When I am ready I will probably hire one though.

 

[Trailblazer]

P.S. Sorry for the long post but you have touched a nerve!

No problem. Your posts and your advice are greatly appreciated. It is food for thought as was the advice that @Nimos gave me. I do take the suggestions to heart and think about them. I just need to be ready to do whatever I decide to do because I cannot afford to feel any worse right now.

 

[Secret Chief]

I already thought of that and I can afford to hire a cleaner if I want to. I thought of doing it but then the thought left since I really don't have any motivation since nobody ever comes to my house. When I am ready I will probably hire one though.

I know a couple of cleaners and they both do other jobs for their clients as and when asked.

 

[exchemist]

No problem. Your posts and your advice are greatly appreciated. It is food for thought as was the advice that @Nimos gave me. I do take the suggestions to heart and think about them. I just need to be ready to do whatever I decide to do because I cannot afford to feel any worse right now.

Who do you talk to about this?

 

[Trailblazer]

My advice, which is not accepted by many, is to get a dog that eats cats. Then, with more time on your hands, and less anxiety, you can go for some long enjoyable walks.

I go for long walks now and the cats do not prevent that, but I don't like going out in winter because it is cold.
I should go anyway because I always feel better when I go on walks. I exercise indoors but that is not the same.

 

[Trailblazer]

Yes remarriage would be a lot of hard work getting to know someone else as a life partner. A lot of hard and intense times in that unless the relationship was not very deep anyway and negotiated that way at the beginning. But would it be worth it that way.
Maybe invite some homeless people to come and share your house.

Hard work is my middle name but I am not going to marry someone just to marry someone and no man is going to do that either. It would have to be the right man. If he was a Baha'i that would be half the battle but it is near impossible to find a single Baha'i man in my age bracket.

I would never want strangers in my house, it is too dangerous. I could get a roommate who has references but I don't need the money and I don't want a roommate. She would just be in the way. So if I ever have anyone living in my house again it will have to be a husband.

 

[Trailblazer]

I know a couple of cleaners and they both do other jobs for their clients as and when asked.

I signed up for Care.com so I can find people to do all kinds of work there. I hired a woman to come over and help hold the cats while I brushed them and cut off the fur-balls but the cats did not take too well to a stranger holding them, so now I am trying to do it by myself.

My problem is motivation. I just have no motivation. Were it not for the cats I would have no reason to continue living, there is just nothing else I care about. I am not a sociable person so to try to force myself to go out an d socialize would not work. I don't think it works to force myself to do things against my will.

 

[Trailblazer]

Who do you talk to about this?

My counselor and my best friend @Truthseeker.

 

[Secret Chief]

I signed up for Care.com so I can find people to do all kinds of work there. I hired a woman to come over and help hold the cats while I brushed them and cut off the fur-balls but the cats did not take too well to a stranger holding them, so now I am trying to do it by myself.

My problem is motivation. I just have no motivation. Were it not for the cats I would have no reason to continue living, there is just nothing else I care about. I am not a sociable person so to try to force myself to go out an d socialize would not work. I don't think it works to force myself to do things against my will.

Sounds like you're right at the end of the introversion spectrum, rather like me (and, I suspect, so are rather a lot of folk on internet forums).
One of the cleaners I know ending up being good friends with one of her clients - my aunt.

 

[Trailblazer]

Sounds like you're right at the end of the introversion spectrum, rather like me (and, I suspect, so are rather a lot of folk on internet forums).

I am an INFJ personality type, which is the rarest personality type of all.

Introduction | Advocate (INFJ) Personality | 16Personalities

 

[Secret Chief]

I am an INFJ personality type, which is the rarest personality type of all.

Introduction | Advocate (INFJ) Personality | 16Personalities

Just done it: INFP-A.
Don't know what the A means.

 

[Trailblazer]

View attachment 71168
Just done it: INFP-A.
Don't know what the A means.

My late husband was an ENFP, but he was not really extroverted, he was on the borderline of E and I.
He was a cat lover. I wonder how many of us NFs are cat lovers.

Assertive Mediator (INFP-A) vs. Turbulent Mediator (INFP-T) | 16Personalities

 

[Trailblazer]

More often than not, men on dating sites want a woman who is happy and has a full life, enjoys life and wants to have fun. She has many activities and people in her life. I don't have those things so I cannot offer them. I cannot pretend to be what I am not. I have suffered a lot but I have come through it and I think this has added to my character, but no men seem to care about character in a woman. They just want someone who is happy and fun to be with, to travel and do activities with. They might find such a woman but she might not have character.

To me character matters more than anything because one can always learn to have fun whenever they want to but character is acquired over a lifetime and by a certain age character is not going to change that much if at all. It s character that holds a marriage together, not fun activities. I surmise that lack of character is why the divorce rate is so high. When the spouse is no longer useful to make the other spouse happy, they are thrown away, like an old pair of shoes. I cannot see people that way, as a means to my happiness, and I do not even value personal happiness which is probably why i do not pursue it.