Thanks for sharing. You brought some things to mind...
Maybe I took the Faith for granted since it was so easy for me to recognize it, I don’t really know. All I know is that shortly after I became a Baha’i I began to heave serious emotional problems, but that was no doubt all latent within me because of unresolved childhood issues. That went on for 12 years and then I married my husband three weeks after we met and he was also a Baha’i who had serious emotional issues. Both of us had childhood issues because our parents did not want us, and both of us had depression and anxiety, although his depression was situational and mine was endogenous.
Anyhow, about a year before I got married I had already sought help from a psychiatrist so I was on the road to recovery. That took upwards of 15 years of my life, and during those years I had nothing to do with the Faith. My husband also had issues so he was not participating in any Baha’i activities either. I still had to work and make a living but because of our childhood issues we never had any children.
I always knew who Baha’u’llah was but I never had any feelings for Him, and any feelings I had towards God were negative. That is putting it mildly. I blamed God for all my suffering because after all, it says in the Writings that God sends the tests. I know all the reasons tests are supposed to be good for us but that does not change the suffering incurred, relentless suffering. Perhaps if I did not have endogenous depression and anxiety it would not have been so difficult to endure it. I was never able to get any help from antidepressant drugs, they nearly killed me, but after I quit taking them I got a lot of help from homeopathic medicine which I took for about 15 years. I never had major depression again after that but I will always have dysthymia. A good day for me is when I am not depressed or anxious about something; I don’t expect much more and I do not need any more than that.
A lot of people seem to think “turning to God” is a cure for depression, but it is no more of a cure for depression than it is a cure for cancer. It helps not to shut God out but it is difficult to love a God you believe is deliberately torturing you just to teach you a lesson. I am quite certain it will all become clear after I die and go to the spiritual world, but meanwhile.....
I have lost everything that matters most to me in this life, except my husband, and I am sure more loss is on the horizon. This gives the words “the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away” a whole new meaning for me. I believe we have free will so we are responsible to do everything possible to help ourselves but sometimes that is not enough. The buck stops with God since God is omnipotent, so God could help if He wanted to help.
“God witnesseth that there is no God but Him, the Gracious, the Best-Beloved. All grace and bounty are His. To whomsoever He will He giveth whatsoever is His wish. He, verily, is the All-Powerful, the Almighty, the Help in Peril, the Self-Subsisting.” Gleanings From the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 73
“Say: O people! Let not this life and its deceits deceive you, for the world and all that is therein is held firmly in the grasp of His Will. He bestoweth His favor on whom He willeth, and from whom He willeth He taketh it away. He doth whatsoever He chooseth.” Gleanings From the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 209
I cannot help but think logically so I cannot believe God is “All-Loving” just because “some” scriptures say that. Scriptures also say that God has wrath and directs it at whomsoever He willeth. To deny that is to deny the Bible, the Qur’an and the Writings of Baha’u’llah.
It sounds really difficult for you in your day to day life. None of us can walk in the shoes of another. Some of us have had troubles in our lives that can not be imagined by others and are difficult to speak of. I too am one of those people. That being said I’ve largely moved on from my past. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t rear its head from time to time. I feel as if I’ve forgiven those who have hurt me most and through that have forgiven myself. I Rarely consider whether God loves or hates me but I feel through prayer and right action He has enabled me to have the best attitude. That brings peace. I therefore feel blessed in my life and grateful. I have known well the depths of despair but it seems like a distant memory. Sometimes a glimpse of heaven confounds me as I don’t deserve the life I have been given.
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