These last few days have been, for lack of a better word, insane times for me. Every single thing that has been going wrong in the last several months converged into one huge boulder that almost led me to kill myself in the last two days. This is a summary of what happened, in logical order:
• After the ruling of the U.S. Supreme Court to legalize same-sex marriage, a lot of posts about it made the rounds on Facebook. There were many homophobic posts on my news feed, to the point where I saw more than one every day. I only know two people who don't share the homophobic sentiments expressed in those posts. Worse, when I changed my profile picture to add a rainbow filter over it, I got comments and even private messages from people telling me that what I had done was a "sin," that I shouldn't support "queer marriage," that I was supporting the things that led to the destruction of the People of Lot because of God's wrath, etc. I ended up deleting the picture not because I stopped supporting LGBT rights but because I got sick and tired of the comments that kept coming in.
Also, someone rejected my friend request after months of stalling, and I'm 95% sure it was because of my secularism, and another asked me, "Are you crazy?" because I said I supported equality for LGBT people.
• After feeling lonely, disillusioned, and generally jaded, mainly because of the above, I went into a depressive episode that almost led me to post one last thread here and go kill myself immediately after. I looked up "Best ways to kill yourself" on Google and ended up reading a long blog post about it to find a reliable way to kill myself, and I'm sure I would have done it if I had found an easy and reliable way to do so. I had to leave school early on the same day because I couldn't concentrate due to depression. I went into the kitchen and passed a knife over my wrist to see if it would hurt and to "test" what it would feel like to kill myself using the knife. I went into bed after that to rest and give myself a break, and I didn't feel any better when I woke up.
• Yesterday I was just about ready to end everything, so I decided to call my therapist to help me. "He is the one person who may be able to help in this situation," I thought to myself. Nope. It didn't work out: I called him only to find that he wasn't there. I had read that a lot of therapists in most developed countries always had a way to contact their patients in cases where the patients were suicidal like I am, but because of the subpar healthcare standards here, therapists are not required to be available at all times for their patients. I was desperate to talk to anyone before killing myself, so I came here and vented to a couple of people. It only worked for a few hours before I felt like going ahead with my thoughts yet again.
This continued until I woke up today feeling the same way as I did the two days before. I went on Facebook only to find more homophobic posts, but then I found two good friends online and talked to them. They made me feel better, mainly because both of them are fellow secularists (although one of them is a Muslim). They both told me to ignore things that made me feel bad and not to let anyone have the power to make me depressed. Talking to them brightened my day in a way that not even both of my therapists could achieve. They literally saved my life by talking to me the way they did. I calmed down a bit and followed their advice to ignore the posts that upset me.
So, here I am a few days later, still depressed but not direly suicidal anymore (despite still being suicidal to an extent). I have thought about posting a "goodbye" thread here before leaving, as I mentioned before, and I'm still kind of thinking about doing that, but at least I called my therapist's secretary today and scheduled a session for Saturday. Yes, the session is on Saturday even though I feel suicidal now and have been feeling this way for a few days. So much for a therapist's being supposed to be there all the time for his suicidal patients.
Sometimes I wonder if compassion is really always a gift. I feel as bad for homosexuals here as I do for myself, if not more. I feel as bad for abused women here as I do for myself. I feel as bad for my neighbor who has to deal with domestic abuse as I do for myself. I don't know if I'm carrying more than my shoulders can withstand, but I can't help it. I empathize with people very easily and very passionately. It has almost caused me to kill myself, but I'm not afraid to say it: it makes me feel proud. If I go down, it will be with pride. I'm not going to change my principles for anyone, much less uninformed and intolerant people.
• After the ruling of the U.S. Supreme Court to legalize same-sex marriage, a lot of posts about it made the rounds on Facebook. There were many homophobic posts on my news feed, to the point where I saw more than one every day. I only know two people who don't share the homophobic sentiments expressed in those posts. Worse, when I changed my profile picture to add a rainbow filter over it, I got comments and even private messages from people telling me that what I had done was a "sin," that I shouldn't support "queer marriage," that I was supporting the things that led to the destruction of the People of Lot because of God's wrath, etc. I ended up deleting the picture not because I stopped supporting LGBT rights but because I got sick and tired of the comments that kept coming in.
Also, someone rejected my friend request after months of stalling, and I'm 95% sure it was because of my secularism, and another asked me, "Are you crazy?" because I said I supported equality for LGBT people.
• After feeling lonely, disillusioned, and generally jaded, mainly because of the above, I went into a depressive episode that almost led me to post one last thread here and go kill myself immediately after. I looked up "Best ways to kill yourself" on Google and ended up reading a long blog post about it to find a reliable way to kill myself, and I'm sure I would have done it if I had found an easy and reliable way to do so. I had to leave school early on the same day because I couldn't concentrate due to depression. I went into the kitchen and passed a knife over my wrist to see if it would hurt and to "test" what it would feel like to kill myself using the knife. I went into bed after that to rest and give myself a break, and I didn't feel any better when I woke up.
• Yesterday I was just about ready to end everything, so I decided to call my therapist to help me. "He is the one person who may be able to help in this situation," I thought to myself. Nope. It didn't work out: I called him only to find that he wasn't there. I had read that a lot of therapists in most developed countries always had a way to contact their patients in cases where the patients were suicidal like I am, but because of the subpar healthcare standards here, therapists are not required to be available at all times for their patients. I was desperate to talk to anyone before killing myself, so I came here and vented to a couple of people. It only worked for a few hours before I felt like going ahead with my thoughts yet again.
This continued until I woke up today feeling the same way as I did the two days before. I went on Facebook only to find more homophobic posts, but then I found two good friends online and talked to them. They made me feel better, mainly because both of them are fellow secularists (although one of them is a Muslim). They both told me to ignore things that made me feel bad and not to let anyone have the power to make me depressed. Talking to them brightened my day in a way that not even both of my therapists could achieve. They literally saved my life by talking to me the way they did. I calmed down a bit and followed their advice to ignore the posts that upset me.
So, here I am a few days later, still depressed but not direly suicidal anymore (despite still being suicidal to an extent). I have thought about posting a "goodbye" thread here before leaving, as I mentioned before, and I'm still kind of thinking about doing that, but at least I called my therapist's secretary today and scheduled a session for Saturday. Yes, the session is on Saturday even though I feel suicidal now and have been feeling this way for a few days. So much for a therapist's being supposed to be there all the time for his suicidal patients.
Sometimes I wonder if compassion is really always a gift. I feel as bad for homosexuals here as I do for myself, if not more. I feel as bad for abused women here as I do for myself. I feel as bad for my neighbor who has to deal with domestic abuse as I do for myself. I don't know if I'm carrying more than my shoulders can withstand, but I can't help it. I empathize with people very easily and very passionately. It has almost caused me to kill myself, but I'm not afraid to say it: it makes me feel proud. If I go down, it will be with pride. I'm not going to change my principles for anyone, much less uninformed and intolerant people.
