Insane Times

[sun rise]

Will you please share a story where your empathy brought you joy? To feel as others can both be joyful and sorrowful. I would very much like to hear a story of your joy.

That's a wonderful suggestion. One of the ways I keep perspective is to focus on the positive as much as I can.

 

[Sakeenah]

These last few days have been, for lack of a better word, insane times for me. Every single thing that has been going wrong in the last several months converged into one huge boulder that almost led me to kill myself in the last two days. This is a summary of what happened, in logical order:

• After the ruling of the U.S. Supreme Court to legalize same-sex marriage, a lot of posts about it made the rounds on Facebook. There were many homophobic posts on my news feed, to the point where I saw more than one every day. I only know two people who don't share the homophobic sentiments expressed in those posts. Worse, when I changed my profile picture to add a rainbow filter over it, I got comments and even private messages from people telling me that what I had done was a "sin," that I shouldn't support "queer marriage," that I was supporting the things that led to the destruction of the People of Lot because of God's wrath, etc. I ended up deleting the picture not because I stopped supporting LGBT rights but because I got sick and tired of the comments that kept coming in.

Also, someone rejected my friend request after months of stalling, and I'm 95% sure it was because of my secularism, and another asked me, "Are you crazy?" because I said I supported equality for LGBT people.

• After feeling lonely, disillusioned, and generally jaded, mainly because of the above, I went into a depressive episode that almost led me to post one last thread here and go kill myself immediately after. I looked up "Best ways to kill yourself" on Google and ended up reading a long blog post about it to find a reliable way to kill myself, and I'm sure I would have done it if I had found an easy and reliable way to do so. I had to leave school early on the same day because I couldn't concentrate due to depression. I went into the kitchen and passed a knife over my wrist to see if it would hurt and to "test" what it would feel like to kill myself using the knife. I went into bed after that to rest and give myself a break, and I didn't feel any better when I woke up.

• Yesterday I was just about ready to end everything, so I decided to call my therapist to help me. "He is the one person who may be able to help in this situation," I thought to myself. Nope. It didn't work out: I called him only to find that he wasn't there. I had read that a lot of therapists in most developed countries always had a way to contact their patients in cases where the patients were suicidal like I am, but because of the subpar healthcare standards here, therapists are not required to be available at all times for their patients. I was desperate to talk to anyone before killing myself, so I came here and vented to a couple of people. It only worked for a few hours before I felt like going ahead with my thoughts yet again.

This continued until I woke up today feeling the same way as I did the two days before. I went on Facebook only to find more homophobic posts, but then I found two good friends online and talked to them. They made me feel better, mainly because both of them are fellow secularists (although one of them is a Muslim). They both told me to ignore things that made me feel bad and not to let anyone have the power to make me depressed. Talking to them brightened my day in a way that not even both of my therapists could achieve. They literally saved my life by talking to me the way they did. I calmed down a bit and followed their advice to ignore the posts that upset me.

So, here I am a few days later, still depressed but not direly suicidal anymore (despite still being suicidal to an extent). I have thought about posting a "goodbye" thread here before leaving, as I mentioned before, and I'm still kind of thinking about doing that, but at least I called my therapist's secretary today and scheduled a session for Saturday. Yes, the session is on Saturday even though I feel suicidal now and have been feeling this way for a few days. So much for a therapist's being supposed to be there all the time for his suicidal patients.

Sometimes I wonder if compassion is really always a gift. I feel as bad for homosexuals here as I do for myself, if not more. I feel as bad for abused women here as I do for myself. I feel as bad for my neighbor who has to deal with domestic abuse as I do for myself. I don't know if I'm carrying more than my shoulders can withstand, but I can't help it. I empathize with people very easily and very passionately. It has almost caused me to kill myself, but I'm not afraid to say it: it makes me feel proud. If I go down, it will be with pride. I'm not going to change my principles for anyone, much less uninformed and intolerant people.

DS I hope things get better soon. The fact that you care about others and have so much compassion shows you are a great person who can have a great impact on others. It doesn't mean you will see the impact straight away, its possible that one thing you say changes a person much later.

 

[Debater Slayer]

I saw my therapist today. He changed my meds again (for the fifth time) and gave me an emergency number for when I have intense suicidal episodes.

He says it's "crystal clear" that I'm very intelligent and that intelligent people often have an area in which they go to extremes. He believes this is part of the reason I'm depressed and that he's working on helping me with that.

I told him about my high self-confidence because his comments matched how I viewed myself, and he said I was right to view myself the way I did.

In any case, I hope the new meds work. It's going to take at least a couple of weeks to see what kind of effect they will have, so I'm going to need some patience.

 

[Twilight Hue]

These last few days have been, for lack of a better word, insane times for me. Every single thing that has been going wrong in the last several months converged into one huge boulder that almost led me to kill myself in the last two days. This is a summary of what happened, in logical order:

• After the ruling of the U.S. Supreme Court to legalize same-sex marriage, a lot of posts about it made the rounds on Facebook. There were many homophobic posts on my news feed, to the point where I saw more than one every day. I only know two people who don't share the homophobic sentiments expressed in those posts. Worse, when I changed my profile picture to add a rainbow filter over it, I got comments and even private messages from people telling me that what I had done was a "sin," that I shouldn't support "queer marriage," that I was supporting the things that led to the destruction of the People of Lot because of God's wrath, etc. I ended up deleting the picture not because I stopped supporting LGBT rights but because I got sick and tired of the comments that kept coming in.

Also, someone rejected my friend request after months of stalling, and I'm 95% sure it was because of my secularism, and another asked me, "Are you crazy?" because I said I supported equality for LGBT people.

• After feeling lonely, disillusioned, and generally jaded, mainly because of the above, I went into a depressive episode that almost led me to post one last thread here and go kill myself immediately after. I looked up "Best ways to kill yourself" on Google and ended up reading a long blog post about it to find a reliable way to kill myself, and I'm sure I would have done it if I had found an easy and reliable way to do so. I had to leave school early on the same day because I couldn't concentrate due to depression. I went into the kitchen and passed a knife over my wrist to see if it would hurt and to "test" what it would feel like to kill myself using the knife. I went into bed after that to rest and give myself a break, and I didn't feel any better when I woke up.

• Yesterday I was just about ready to end everything, so I decided to call my therapist to help me. "He is the one person who may be able to help in this situation," I thought to myself. Nope. It didn't work out: I called him only to find that he wasn't there. I had read that a lot of therapists in most developed countries always had a way to contact their patients in cases where the patients were suicidal like I am, but because of the subpar healthcare standards here, therapists are not required to be available at all times for their patients. I was desperate to talk to anyone before killing myself, so I came here and vented to a couple of people. It only worked for a few hours before I felt like going ahead with my thoughts yet again.

This continued until I woke up today feeling the same way as I did the two days before. I went on Facebook only to find more homophobic posts, but then I found two good friends online and talked to them. They made me feel better, mainly because both of them are fellow secularists (although one of them is a Muslim). They both told me to ignore things that made me feel bad and not to let anyone have the power to make me depressed. Talking to them brightened my day in a way that not even both of my therapists could achieve. They literally saved my life by talking to me the way they did. I calmed down a bit and followed their advice to ignore the posts that upset me.

So, here I am a few days later, still depressed but not direly suicidal anymore (despite still being suicidal to an extent). I have thought about posting a "goodbye" thread here before leaving, as I mentioned before, and I'm still kind of thinking about doing that, but at least I called my therapist's secretary today and scheduled a session for Saturday. Yes, the session is on Saturday even though I feel suicidal now and have been feeling this way for a few days. So much for a therapist's being supposed to be there all the time for his suicidal patients.

Sometimes I wonder if compassion is really always a gift. I feel as bad for homosexuals here as I do for myself, if not more. I feel as bad for abused women here as I do for myself. I feel as bad for my neighbor who has to deal with domestic abuse as I do for myself. I don't know if I'm carrying more than my shoulders can withstand, but I can't help it. I empathize with people very easily and very passionately. It has almost caused me to kill myself, but I'm not afraid to say it: it makes me feel proud. If I go down, it will be with pride. I'm not going to change my principles for anyone, much less uninformed and intolerant people.

I dunno if this will help or not, but It's primarily our expectations that get royalised in face of numerous realities that unfold, coming up oftentimes , hideously short and distressing to no end. It's a matter of distinguishmrnt imo, and of complacenty by which issues arise and the manner in which it's approached. Essentially projection through the mind creating endless scenarios vs actualized reality.

As an advisement, best try not to let the wheels in your mind get to you. Its not always reflective and accurate in it's portrayal concerning things and events.

Maybe an engauged sabbatical of sorts for the purpose of reflection would be an advised course of action, just for the purpose and sake of slowing things down for a little bit and don't forget to take your medicine.

 

[FTNZ]

What med has he put you on? And did he advise you to taper down your current med and taper up the new one?

It's good that he gave you a number to call. I think he is probably doing his best to help.

 

[Debater Slayer]

Will you please share a story where your empathy brought you joy? To feel as others can both be joyful and sorrowful. I would very much like to hear a story of your joy.

I've given this post a lot of thought before responding, and the most joy I've experienced from empathy was when I attended an event for children with cancer. I felt like I had a purpose. That feeling was priceless, and I felt the same way when I went to a mosque to meditate on the well-being of the imam who thought that atheists should be killed. I felt in control of my emotions because I could wish him well despite that.

 

[Debater Slayer]

What med has he put you on? And did he advise you to taper down your current med and taper up the new one?

It's good that he gave you a number to call. I think he is probably doing his best to help.

He put me on lithium carbonate, and he didn't advise me to taper up or down; he told me to stop the previous med cold turkey and start taking this one.

 

[Curious George]

I've given this post a lot of thought before responding, and the most joy I've experienced from empathy was when I attended an event for children with cancer. I felt like I had a purpose. That feeling was priceless, and I felt the same way when I went to a mosque to meditate on the well-being of the imam who thought that atheists should be killed. I felt in control of my emotions because I could wish him well despite that.

I believe service is one of the greatest things we can do. (And meditation one of the most calming).Thank you for sharing.

 

[ShivaFan]

Do you understand what a small minority are those who purposely haunt the internet to harass others with IM's and other senseless acts? Compared with the general population they make up a tiny fraction even among mean people. First off, most people, including most mean people, have no time to even think about wasting it with such pointless acts. Even most mean people are not that stupid.

Those who do waste their lives on such senseless harassment are actually the ones who do other senseless acts such as suicide. Did you know that? The reason they harass others is because they themself have "problems", much bigger than you in all likelihood. They certainly won't tell you the true nature of these problems, either. Because they fear themself, so they do not want to even see themself.

One thing you need to understand is, 99 percent of the world is not interested, certainly not interested in harassing you. But the internet is the haunting grounds for such messed up harassing but problem people - even among the internet, few of thoae on the internet are like them but the internet is probably the most "perfect" and lucrative world for such harassing peoole to "act out". So it is easy to encounter them on the internet.

The thing is, they are very close to "exploding" or "endung" as those who are depressed, etc.. The way you should look at it is (1) can you help them? (2) they are living in the true shadows and need to go out and eat ice cream or something, perhaps get a hobby or fly a kite becauae they are likely to commit suicide before you do ... (3) they are very tiny in numbers ...

Suggest hobbies, good smoothies to drink, and so on for them, they need your help.

 

[FTNZ]

He put me on lithium carbonate, and he didn't advise me to taper up or down; he told me to stop the previous med cold turkey and start taking this one.

OK, well that's not a great way to do it. I'm assuming the previous one was an atypical antipsychotic? Those usually need to be tapered down to minimise withdrawal effects such as anxiety. Lithium can cause nausea, so starting on a full dose can be unwise, but it sounds like you had no ill effects, so that's good. Certainly SSRIs/SNRIs need to be tapered down then up, with a 2 week washout period in between.

I know your options are limited, but if there is a way to see a different doctor, one that you have more confidence in their competence, that would be good. If not, keep asking lots of questions about what he suggests. Lithium can be an effective drug, if the dose is right. Give it 4-6 weeks. If it doesn't help, remember there are lots of other drugs that might help and it's not unusual to have to try a number of drugs before finding the right one. Brain chemistry is complex and unfortunately the science is not as far advanced as we would like. There is reason to have hope for the future though.