Is It Possible For Males and Females to Be Platonic Friends?

[9-10ths_Penguin]

You've totally twisted my words. I didn't say that another friend would be of no benefit to me OR my husband.

If I've misinterpreted your meaning, it wasn't intentionally.

Your last post did imply that your life was so fulfilled that if you were presented with the opportunity for a close friendship with someone, you wouldn't pursue it if that person was a man. IOW, it implies that in that case, you wouldn't see a need to have that friend.

 

[Kathryn]

If I've misinterpreted your meaning, it wasn't intentionally.

Your last post did imply that your life was so fulfilled that if you were presented with the opportunity for a close friendship with someone, you wouldn't pursue it if that person was a man. IOW, it implies that in that case, you wouldn't see a need to have that friend.

That's not what you said though in the original post.

I will not seek out close male friendships for reasons that I've stated repeatedly on this thread. It's not that I don't want or need more friendship in my life (though it's true I'm not SEEKING ANY friendships), it's that some friendships are riskier or more complicated than others - and sometimes that includes same sex friendships.

But wait - there's more!

I don't feel needy at all when it comes to friendships. I don't require or even particularly like to have more than a small handful (with fingers left over) of CLOSE friends. I prefer fewer close friendships of excellent quality rather than a lot of more casual friendships (which I would probably classify as friendly acquaintances).

I'm not a person who goes out with lots of people socially, or who hangs out regularly with a wide variety of people. I'm very outgoing and very comfortable in small or large groups, socially or at work, but I don't allow very many people to get very close to me. And I believe that's normal and healthy.

My husband and I really love hanging out with each other and with immediate family and a few, very few, close friends. We have five grown kids, both of us have elderly parents who are alive and kicking, and we have seven grandkids. We have brothers and sisters as well, who live close by.

There's just not a lot left over after we nurture all those relationships, and work two full time jobs.

 

[ChristineES]

I think I may understand what some of you are trying to say: If there is any chance at all, that if you are left alone with someone you are attracted to and you are attached to someone else through marriage or whatever, then maybe it is better to not be alone with the person. You can still be friends, but it would be better if, when you hang out, to have someone else, like your significant other, along with you.

 

[Shermana]

What is a "friend" anyway?

 

[ChristineES]

What is a "friend" anyway?

It is a person of common interests that likes to hang out, do things together, have deep conversations, or just plain someone you like.

 

[Shermana]

It is a person of common interests that likes to hang out, do things together, have deep conversations, or just plain someone you like.

Okay, so you actually think the grand majority of men want to be this with attractive women without any sort of underlying intent or hope?

 

[ChristineES]

Okay, so you actually think the grand majority of men want to be this with attractive women without any sort of underlying intent or hope?

The hope/attraction can be there, deep down, without anything ever happening. I have had some good looking male friends and while I may think they are attractive, it doesn't mean I will lose control and cheat on my husband. I am hoping that I have more control over my hungers and thirsts. I guess you might be comparing it to someone on a diet who is in the same room with a cake and not want to eat it. Most people would not eat the cake, although a few might give into their cravings.

 

[Shermana]

Women may be cool with having male friends, but it's not exactly an equal opprotunity friendship situation....the grand majority of men are not interested in purely being friends if they don't have to be. So that's not exactly "platonic" even if the female thinks it is under control. The grand majority men usually simply wouldn't want to be just "friends" (as opposed to being circumstantial acquaintences) with attractive women if they weren't hoping and wishing and waiting. Thus, it's only Platonic for the woman perhaps. And I can near guarantee that if the man is Alpha-level enough, few non-married women (and plenty of married women) would want to be either.

 

[Cassiopia]

Women may be cool with having male friends, but it's not exactly an equal opprotunity friendship situation....the grand majority of men are not interested in purely being friends if they don't have to be. So that's not exactly "platonic" even if the female thinks it is under control. The grand majority men usually simply wouldn't want to be just "friends" (as opposed to being circumstantial acquaintences) with attractive women if they weren't hoping and wishing and waiting. Thus, it's only Platonic for the woman perhaps. And I can near guarantee that if the man is Alpha-level enough, few non-married women (and plenty of married women) would want to be either.

That is making some sweeping assumptions about both men and women and totally ignores the fact that many of us here have testified that we do have platonic friendships with the opposite sex without any sexual complications.

I do not believe that men are animals, unable to control their sexual urges any more than women are.
I am not sure what you mean by men being "alpha level enough" but I think it says more about your way of thinking (which seems like it's hyper sexually orientated) than the way the world actually is.

I think I am fairly attractive (never had any complaints on that score) and I have some very good platonic friendships with very good looking men. Your view of reality just doesn't ring true to me.

 

[Sunstone]

And I can near guarantee that if the man is Alpha-level enough...

"Alpha-level"? How 1980's pop psychology can you get? Oh wait...your notion men and women can't have platonic relationships is even more regressive. 1950s, at least. But don't worry -- there's nothing wrong with your ideas that a modern education can't fix.

 

[Shermana]

"Alpha-level"? How 1980's pop psychology can you get? Oh wait...your notion men and women can't have platonic relationships is even more regressive. 1950s, at least. But don't worry -- there's nothing wrong with your ideas that a modern education can't fix.

What kind of education? Got some statistics on how many males want to be purely friends with attractive females here? I'll go by my personal experience on the issue. I've yet to meet any women who only want to be friends with males who fit the "Alpha" criteria. But maybe that's just California. And New York.

Also, please explain what you mean by "Pop Psychology" in this regard.

 

[Cassiopia]

I've yet to meet any women who only want to be friends with males who fit the "Alpha" criteria. But maybe that's just California. And New York.

That's not true. You just ignore them.
I'm curious as to what your definition of the Alpha Criteria is though.

 

[Sunstone]

What kind of education? Got some statistics on how many males want to be purely friends with attractive females here? I'll go by my personal experience on the issue. I've yet to meet any girl who only wants to be friends with men who fit the "Alpha" criteria. But maybe that's just California. And New York.

California? New York? A few days ago, you claimed to speak for all males. Now you only claim to speak for all females in California and New York? Can we consider this progress? And did you accomplish it without a therapist?

 

[Shermana]

Here's a woman's take on it. Educate yourself on the majority perspective.

Can Men & Women Just Be Friends?

No.
Not unless at least one of them is gay.
OK, all kidding aside, it is possible. A straight man and woman can be friends, without one or both of them wanting to jump the other's bones, eventually. But it's not likely. And here's why: Women tend to develop attraction through intimacy. Men tend to develop attraction through proximity.

 

[Shermana]

Another good one.

Girls Don’t Have Friends That Are Guys | Bill Cammack

Are there males and females that actually ARE friends?
Absolutely. They’re friends for the same reason that anybody else is friendly towards each other… they have something in common. They enjoy the same music, they both like building computers from individual parts, they play the same sports, have similar tastes in women.. whatever.
However.. There are lots of guys that pretend to be friends with a gal because they know that’s the only way they’re going to be able to stay in the pocket long enough to hook up with her.
It’s like rap game 101.. It’s like the first smooth trick the cavemen learned or something. If you step to a female and say “You look good, I feel like tappin’ that”, she’s going to go “EEW!!! HE ONLY WANTS ME FOR MY BODY! “.. which is true.. and then she proceeds to give you a hard time in getting it.

Reality normally becomes apparent to women in a couple of ways.. First of all, when he finally decides that he’s never going to get to hook up with her and then he abruptly stops contacting her or responding to her calls, texts & emails, and second, when he decides that HE DOES have a chance to get on, and lets her know he’s physically attracted to her, in love with her, blah blah blah…

So anyway.. Like I said.. Guys pretend to be friends with gals so we can stay in the pocket until she finally gets with the program. Gals pretend to be friends with guys so they’re not accused of having sex with us.
One of the funny things about this is that, similar to bordellos, it doesn’t work in the other direction… Women don’t pretend to be friends with men so they can get laid.

 

[Sunstone]

You quote two random strangers as important evidence? You have turned this debate into a farce. I'm out of here. Have fun!

 

[Cassiopia]

Shermana, you quote two random strangers from random blogs and totally ignore what I said or the gist of anyone else's arguments.. And evidence!
Perhaps you are just happier in your own little fantasy world.

 

[Shermana]

What is the gist of the other arguments, and can you quote two non-"strangers" who agree with you? We've seen holes in the arguments (and stories) of the others here that even Kathryn had to point out to them. If you disagree with what my two "random strangers" posted about, please by all means show an article that says otherwise from someone who has more clout. I could post at least 20 more articles and blogs on the subject, but I can't find too many that say otherwise. (By too many I mean any)

Why don't you ask your male friends "If I was drunk and wanted you to do stuff with me, would you" and report your findings.

 

[Kathryn]

Look, it's not that men and women CAN'T be platonic friends. Of course they can.

Men and women can climb Mount Everest too. We CAN do all sorts of things, but some things are more difficult than others to pull off.

 

[Shermana]

I would agree that its on the level of climbing Mt. Everest (without any gear), and something that the grand, grand majority are not willing to do, assuming the person is attractive enough.