I've been Christian all my life and have been on an endless journey to find truth when it comes to God our creater. Which lead me to reject the doctrine of the trinity because the idea of God being 3 "persons" in one is just ridiculous and its roots stem from paganism
A brilliant observation!
God is one....not three. There are many pagan trinities, but none in the other Abrahamic faiths. Only Christendom has adopted the trinity and it was initially included to make the pagan Romans feel right at home. Constantine incorporated all the favorite pagan beliefs and festivals and just renamed and reshaped them so that the Christians could not object.
but now I'm questioning the relationship of God the creater and Jesus the messiah. I've always kinda believed that Jesus was both the son of God and God himself and in the bible, Jesus mentions more than once that he and the father are one but that the father is greater than he is so if he isn't God but the son of God then who was he in the beginning because he only became the son of God after Mary was impregnated but in the bible John 1:1-2 it says....
1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning......
So is Jesus the manifestation of God's word in the flesh which still makes him God or is he the son of God (a separate being) or is he both at the same time.....Kinda like a clone of God in the form of flesh.....
Ugh!
I've never been this confused in my life and its actually troubling my soul
This is not as complicated as it looks.....
A few scriptures is all it takes to clear things up.
1) John 1:1 in Greek indicates that there is one true God and a god-like or divine individual spoken about there. It is not so clear in English but very obvious in the Greek.....
In en the beginning archē was eimi the ho Word logos, and kai the ho Word logos was eimi with pros · ho God theos, and kai the ho Word logos was eimi God theos. (Mounce Interlinear)
What do you see there? "In the beginning" means what? The Infinite Eternal Creator did not have a beginning, but the Word did. (Revelation 3:14; Colossians 1:15-17)
He was "with" the Creator, but he wasn't the Creator....how do we know? Look for the word "theos" which is Greek for "god" and notice that both the Word and the Creator are given this title.....but in Greek, what does it mean? In Greek a god is "a divine mighty one", so in their religious thinking, there were many gods, all of whom had a name, and collectively they were just called "the gods". So Israel's God was something new to them. There was nothing in their language that described the one God of Israel when his name had been abandoned by the Jews some time before Jesus arrived as Messiah. With no way to distinguish this nameless God as the true God of Israel, they used the definite article "the" (ho) Look how many times "ho" is used in the Greek there. But notice also that there is one "ho theos" and one is just "theos"......Only one God is the Almighty in that verse, the other is a divine mighty one....but not THE Divine Mighty One.
You will notice that in the English "the" is missing from the translation but you can see it in the Greek. This was to indicate a trinity, but it is deception.
To illustrate.....if your name was "Brad Pitt" and someone said that Brad Pitt was coming to a function that they were attending, wouldn't their first question be "THE Brad Pitt"? Meaning the famous one? This is what John 1:1 indicates as well. Jesus is not THE God and he never needed to be.
What other lines of evidence could we use?
As you indicated, Jesus said that 'he and the Father were one'.....but he also said that 'he and his disciples were one with the Father and son' (John 17:22)....so are all Christians part of a trinity or is Jesus using figurative language to indicate unity of thought and purpose?
Going on from John 1:1 to verse 18 it says that
"No man has seen God at any time; the only-begotten god who is at the Father’s side is the one who has explained Him."
'No one has ever seen God'...but how many people saw Jesus? Thousands! There he is called "the only begotten god".....can God be begotten? This 'only begotten son' was used as the agency through whom all creation was made to exist, so it isn't speaking about him being born as a human. He was begotten by his Father, who produced him as the "beginning" of his creative works.
Proverbs 8:22; 30-31.....
"The Lord made me at the beginning of His creation, before His works of long ago. . . . .I was a skilled craftsman beside Him. I was His delight every day, always rejoicing before Him. I was rejoicing in His inhabited world, delighting in the human race." (HCSB)
Jesus is a creation of his Father, whom he called
"the only true God" without including himself. (John 17:3)
In heaven, Jesus still refers to his Father as "my God" (Revelation 3:12) Does God worship himself in heaven???
These are just a few examples in the scriptures to show that Jesus is "the son of God".....that is how he described himself. Not once did he ever call himself God or direct people to worship him.
There is no reason to be confused....the Bible is clear.