That aside tho...
I'm fine. I actually feel happier than I did. And I know such things aren't determiners of truth; of course they're not - but it has improved my mental health and overall functioning. I've found that this can actually work for me. And yes, it will likely take me a long time if not forever to stop whining that I'm not part of a mainstream religion. After living the way I have I really do crave a community and likeminded folks, but what I've come to realise is that this is a Europe-wide problem when it comes to religion, even Christianity. You won't find that here. You will likely only find it within Islam or Dharmic communities, but even these come with their own issues, usually cultural or even ethnic (Sikh converts say they have trouble feeling like they belong or are welcome). Religion is as much a cultural expression as a spiritual one, and I've found that no matter which you choose it's going to be alienating if it's not Christianity (in Europe). Because Christianity is European. It's the European religious expression. And if you want something that's not that, you have fledgling native Pagan groups - but they're insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
To be part of another religion is, in a sense, to reject one's culture. You can't have it both ways, as much as we try, it's not possible. For the same reason many folks would tell me, Why not just be a Heathen? It's the Saxon way. And I have no answer other than, I don't like it! I'm not stupid, I realise I'm yelling at the ground and kicking at trees; I won't move anything. I also seem to have a fatal attraction to desert culture religions. They tend to be more theologically indepth and have more conservatism about them. Judaism was the ultimate expression of theological depth and social conservatism for me, as well as intellectual rigour, honesty and religious orthodoxy. I'm not silly, I know no other religion can replicate this, nor is any really even trying to. That I'm essentially an Abrahamic in Pagan dressing and then wonder why folks don't understand me. Right, that's my fault. But must it be just this horrible twist of fate that the one faith I could grasp and connect with I had such problems with?
I was hoping my 'journey' had ended with Noachidism, and I really wanted it to. But apparently I'm a product of my environment and want something that's more like the Christian concept of religio, not just a basic spirituality. It's not been as hard as I thought to transition to Kemeticism and nearly everyone here has been welcoming about it, but in some way I wanted to be more challenged than that. The only person who told me essentially that I'm on a wrong path was Hockey Cowboy and the honesty was so refreshing. I don't dislike him for saying this or have any issue with it. That's exactly the kind of community fervour I want. Oy! Don't do that, it's wrong, stop! No suagrcoating it. But I live in a Western nation where everything is permitted, and living one's own morality is hard. It feels like a losing battle. There's no-one here saying 'Don't do that, it's immoral behaviour.' Possibly there's a good reason I'm so obsessed with Victorians. Why I have a thing for fundamentalist religions.
That ship has sailed here and there's no bringing it back to dock.