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Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
The Secret of Marriage - Understanding Men
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling a garage is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of Holy Communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only).
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2011, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest; like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling a garage is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of Holy Communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only).
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2011, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest; like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
The end of the world has come. God looks over the millions and millions of people and says to them, "Welcome to Heaven. I want the women to go with St. Peter. Go now and follow him. And you men, I want you to form two lines. The first line, to the left of me, is for men who dominated their women on earth. The second line, to the right of me, is for men who were dominated by their women." OK, now line up.
There was then much movement for some length of time, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines of men. The line of the men that were dominated by their women is 150 miles long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.
God is angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and yet you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
He turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
There was then much movement for some length of time, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines of men. The line of the men that were dominated by their women is 150 miles long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.
God is angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and yet you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
He turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
When the angel returned, he told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. He reported that 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God thought a moment and decided He had better send down a female angel to get both points of view.
When the female angel returned she confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, some praise, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?....
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No???
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Oh! YOU didn't get one either.
When the angel returned, he told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. He reported that 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God thought a moment and decided He had better send down a female angel to get both points of view.
When the female angel returned she confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, some praise, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?....
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No???
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/...
Oh! YOU didn't get one either.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
THE SYNAGOGUE
A rabbi and a cantor are standing in the largely empty synagogue one day, talking mystically about how, given the awesome glory of God’s Infinite Divine Presence, they are each really “nothing.” “Yes,” says the rabbi, “I am nothing!” The cantor also affirms, looking up to the heavens, “O God, I am completely nothing!” And they go on like this for several rounds—”I am nothing… I am utterly nothing.”
Meanwhile, the synagogue’s janitor is off in the corner on his hands and knees, scrubbing the floor. Filled with piety and a fervent spirit, he has all the while been repeating in a gentle voice, “O Lord, You are everything and I am nothing… I am nothing.” The rabbi and cantor at one point listen in and, after a few moments, come to realize what he is saying. At this, the rabbi nudges the cantor and smugly says, “Look who thinks he’s nothing!”
A rabbi and a cantor are standing in the largely empty synagogue one day, talking mystically about how, given the awesome glory of God’s Infinite Divine Presence, they are each really “nothing.” “Yes,” says the rabbi, “I am nothing!” The cantor also affirms, looking up to the heavens, “O God, I am completely nothing!” And they go on like this for several rounds—”I am nothing… I am utterly nothing.”
Meanwhile, the synagogue’s janitor is off in the corner on his hands and knees, scrubbing the floor. Filled with piety and a fervent spirit, he has all the while been repeating in a gentle voice, “O Lord, You are everything and I am nothing… I am nothing.” The rabbi and cantor at one point listen in and, after a few moments, come to realize what he is saying. At this, the rabbi nudges the cantor and smugly says, “Look who thinks he’s nothing!”
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
TEXAN RELIGION
Butch Hancock remembers: "Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
Butch Hancock remembers: "Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Bill walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, 'You can't bring that dog in here.'
'You don't understand,' says Bill. 'This is no regular dog, he can talk.'
'Listen, pal,' says the bartender. 'If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.'
Bill puts the dog on a stool, and asks him,
'What's on top of a house?'
'Roof!'
'Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?'
'Bark!'
'And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?'
'Ruth!'
'I guess you've heard enough,' says the man. 'I'll take the hundred in twenties.'
The bartender is furious, 'Listen, pal,' he says, 'get out of here before I belt you.' As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to Bill and says, 'Bill, do you think I should have said "DiMaggio"?'
'You don't understand,' says Bill. 'This is no regular dog, he can talk.'
'Listen, pal,' says the bartender. 'If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.'
Bill puts the dog on a stool, and asks him,
'What's on top of a house?'
'Roof!'
'Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?'
'Bark!'
'And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?'
'Ruth!'
'I guess you've heard enough,' says the man. 'I'll take the hundred in twenties.'
The bartender is furious, 'Listen, pal,' he says, 'get out of here before I belt you.' As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to Bill and says, 'Bill, do you think I should have said "DiMaggio"?'
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"
His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."
George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.
As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"
Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"
His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."
George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.
As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"
Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage:
1.The woman always makes the rules
2.These rules are subject to change without notice
3.No man can possibly know all the rules
4.The woman is never wrong
5.If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
6.The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
7.The woman can change her mind at any time
8.The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
9.The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
10.At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.
1.The woman always makes the rules
2.These rules are subject to change without notice
3.No man can possibly know all the rules
4.The woman is never wrong
5.If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
6.The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
7.The woman can change her mind at any time
8.The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
9.The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
10.At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage:
1.The woman always makes the rules
2.These rules are subject to change without notice
3.No man can possibly know all the rules
4.The woman is never wrong
5.If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
6.The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
7.The woman can change her mind at any time
8.The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
9.The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
10.At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.
1.The woman always makes the rules
2.These rules are subject to change without notice
3.No man can possibly know all the rules
4.The woman is never wrong
5.If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
6.The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
7.The woman can change her mind at any time
8.The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
9.The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
10.At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage:
1.The woman always makes the rules
2.These rules are subject to change without notice
3.No man can possibly know all the rules
4.The woman is never wrong
5.If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
6.The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
7.The woman can change her mind at any time
8.The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
9.The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
10.At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.
1.The woman always makes the rules
2.These rules are subject to change without notice
3.No man can possibly know all the rules
4.The woman is never wrong
5.If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
6.The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
7.The woman can change her mind at any time
8.The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
9.The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
10.At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Sorry for the repeats!
A glitch while posting ...
A glitch while posting ...
After decades of marriage, I can translate "don't you think the house looks a bit dirty?" into "get off your butt and start cleaning the pig sty instead of expecting your maid to clean up after you, you inferior male"
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why did ya' not tell me the dog was Catholic?
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why did ya' not tell me the dog was Catholic?
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Announcements from Church Bulletins -
Dribbleglass.com--Church Bulletins
Loads at that site -
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes at Dribbleglass.com--Jokes, humor, gags, puns, one-liners, insults
Dribbleglass.com--Church Bulletins
Loads at that site -
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes at Dribbleglass.com--Jokes, humor, gags, puns, one-liners, insults