-
Welcome to Religious Forums, a friendly forum to discuss all religions in a friendly surrounding.
Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:- Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
- Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
- Access to private conversations with other members.
We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!
Looking for a few laughs?
- Thread starter Geoff-Allen
- Start date
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Click here 4 the answer -
http://www.goodbadjokes.com/jokes/170
Have a good one!
Click here 4 the answer -
http://www.goodbadjokes.com/jokes/170
Have a good one!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -- A sign in a Swiss hotel.
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -- A sign in a laundry in Rome.
"Members and non-members only." -- A sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
"Shower of Happiness. Total Safety Guaranteed." -- A label on an electric shower (to heat cold water) in Thailand.
"Do not spit here and there." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.
"Commit No Nuisance." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.
"Dresses for streetwalkers." -- A junk mail ad in Germany.
"Don't get into this." -- A sign in Japan with the universal "do not enter" symbol.
"We are thinking that 'How to management' is more important than 'What for sell'. we want to realize that is 'It's well that!' that is our opinion." -- On the cover of a photo shop's envelopes for newly developed film.
"ParkinginwrongPlaces Will Makeyou accountalbetoLaw Apartfrom being atresPassingontheRight oftheCitizenandthestate." -- A sign in Luxor, Egypt.
"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." -- A sign in a Spanish hotel.
"Warning: Do not leave it in this place which may have a high temperature such as the car closed." -- Instructions for a CD adapter for a car's tape player.
"SOTP" -- A sign near a road crossing in Milan.
"Warning! Difficult to swim out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists." -- On the label of a pair of chest waders manufactured in Taiwan.
"Please leave your values at the front desk." -- A sign in a Paris hotel.
"Let's skiing." -- A sign in a ski chalet in Nagano, Japan.
"Child be a public servant. The best balance of music and technology within a vaguely." -- Written on a T-shirt for sale in a market in Hong Kong.
"Dah Wong Path." -- A sign for a park path in Hong Kong.
"Caution Water On Road During Rain" -- A sign in Malaysia.
Enjoy!
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -- A sign in a laundry in Rome.
"Members and non-members only." -- A sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
"Shower of Happiness. Total Safety Guaranteed." -- A label on an electric shower (to heat cold water) in Thailand.
"Do not spit here and there." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.
"Commit No Nuisance." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.
"Dresses for streetwalkers." -- A junk mail ad in Germany.
"Don't get into this." -- A sign in Japan with the universal "do not enter" symbol.
"We are thinking that 'How to management' is more important than 'What for sell'. we want to realize that is 'It's well that!' that is our opinion." -- On the cover of a photo shop's envelopes for newly developed film.
"ParkinginwrongPlaces Will Makeyou accountalbetoLaw Apartfrom being atresPassingontheRight oftheCitizenandthestate." -- A sign in Luxor, Egypt.
"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." -- A sign in a Spanish hotel.
"Warning: Do not leave it in this place which may have a high temperature such as the car closed." -- Instructions for a CD adapter for a car's tape player.
"SOTP" -- A sign near a road crossing in Milan.
"Warning! Difficult to swim out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists." -- On the label of a pair of chest waders manufactured in Taiwan.
"Please leave your values at the front desk." -- A sign in a Paris hotel.
"Let's skiing." -- A sign in a ski chalet in Nagano, Japan.
"Child be a public servant. The best balance of music and technology within a vaguely." -- Written on a T-shirt for sale in a market in Hong Kong.
"Dah Wong Path." -- A sign for a park path in Hong Kong.
"Caution Water On Road During Rain" -- A sign in Malaysia.
Enjoy!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
If you can live without caffeine,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him or her,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,
Then you have almost reached the same level of spiritual development as your dog!
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him or her,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,
Then you have almost reached the same level of spiritual development as your dog!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
From actual resumes -
"I am very detail-oreinted."
"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."
"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."
"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."
"Served as assistant sore manager."
"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
"Special skills: Thyping."
"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."
"I can play well with others."
"I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."
"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."
"I eat computers for lunch."
"I have used lots of software appilcations."
"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."
"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
"Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."
"I am very detail-oreinted."
"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."
"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."
"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."
"Served as assistant sore manager."
"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
"Special skills: Thyping."
"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."
"I can play well with others."
"I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."
"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."
"I eat computers for lunch."
"I have used lots of software appilcations."
"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."
"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
"Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Father Brian, an elderly Catholic priest, was speaking to Father Karl, a younger priest, saying, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'
Father Karl nods, and the old priest continues, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the rafters.'
'Thank you, Father Brian,' answers the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'
'All of these ideas have been well and good,' comments Father Brian wisely. But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'
'But, Father Brian,' protests the young Father Karl, 'My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!'
'Indeed,' replies the elderly priest, 'And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" cannot stay on the church roof.'
Father Karl nods, and the old priest continues, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the rafters.'
'Thank you, Father Brian,' answers the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'
'All of these ideas have been well and good,' comments Father Brian wisely. But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'
'But, Father Brian,' protests the young Father Karl, 'My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!'
'Indeed,' replies the elderly priest, 'And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" cannot stay on the church roof.'
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A Year 5 teacher was giving her Primary pupils a lesson in developing logical thinking.
'This is the scene', said the teacher.
'A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?'
A little girl raised her hand and asked, 'To draw out all his savings?'
'This is the scene', said the teacher.
'A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?'
A little girl raised her hand and asked, 'To draw out all his savings?'
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Alien Wife Swap
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a
teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still
pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull
his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
forehead and pulling my ears all night."
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a
teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.
"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still
pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull
his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
forehead and pulling my ears all night."
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.
Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ...
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME."
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.
Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ...
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME."
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
“People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them."
~ Dave Barry
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/d/dave_barry.html
~ Dave Barry
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/d/dave_barry.html
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon
https://www.google.com.au/search?so...fort+into+research+female+bosom+space+program
https://www.google.com.au/search?so...fort+into+research+female+bosom+space+program
A man told another: I will give you $1000 if you witness that someone called so and so has borrowed $10000 from me.
The man replied: Oh, how ungrateful is he! He did not return it Yet?!!!
The man replied: Oh, how ungrateful is he! He did not return it Yet?!!!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?
A: Stays awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
http://www.jokes4us.com/religiousjokes/atheistjokes.html
A: Stays awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
http://www.jokes4us.com/religiousjokes/atheistjokes.html
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies."
He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those *****es!"
He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those *****es!"
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'