Looking for a few laughs?

[Geoff-Allen]

A priest was called away for an emergency.

Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."

Priest says: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest says, "What did you do?" Man says, "I committed adultery."

Priest asks, "How many times?" Man replies, "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi says, "What did you do?"

Woman replies, "I committed adultery." Rabbi asks, "How many times?"

Woman says "Once."

Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."

 

[Jedster]

A skeleton walks into a pub and orders a beer and a mop.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.

On one particular Sunday it turned out to be a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, the temperature was just right and there was very little wind. The preacher was in a quandary and wasn't sure what to do....play golf or give the Sunday service. The urge to play golf overcame him and he called in his assistant to take care of the Sunday service for him. The preacher packed up his car and drove 3 hours to a course where no one would recognize him.
An angel above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. The angel went to God and said, "look at the preacher. He should punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

All alone but enjoying it immensely, the preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive. The ball ripped through the still air straight as an arrow and 400 yards later it landed the green where it gently rolled into the cup. A tremendous hole in one!

The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was in shock. The angel turned to God and said, "Begging your pardon, but I thought that you were going to punish him?"

God smiled and said, "I did ... think about it ... who can he tell about this?"

From this site -

http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/category1.cgi?id=22

 

[Geoff-Allen]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God,"

The patient replies, "That's right! Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Here is Will and Guy's collection of funny short stories about the joys of old age -

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/stories/story_old_age.htm

Cheers!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

The New Confessional

Patrick goes into the confessional box after a long lapse from going to church.

Inside he finds a fully equipped bar, Guinness on tap and a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey. On the wall is a dazzling array of cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.

The priest replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side".

 

[Geoff-Allen]

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Bedtime Story

Darlene was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.

She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, 'Grandpa, did God make you?'

'Yes, darling,' he answered, 'God made me a long time ago.'

'Oh,' Darlene paused, 'Grandpa, did God make me too?'

'Yes, indeed, poppet,' he said, 'God made you just a little while ago.'

Feeling their respective faces again, Darlene observed, 'God's getting better at it, isn't he?'

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Some Zen jokes harvested from the net. Some are older than the net itself. Some are older than Zen.

A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Excuse me, but where’s my change?"
asks the Zen master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

One zen student said, "My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating."

The second said, "My teacher has so much self-control, he can go days without sleep."

The third said, "My teacher is so wise that he eats when he's hungry and sleeps when he's tired."

Q: How much "ego" do you need?

A: Just enough so that you don't step in front of a bus.

Shunryu Suzuki

A young woman asked Suzuki Roshi after a talk, "Roshi, sometimes when I'm trying to decide what I should do, I ask myself, 'In this case, what would Roshi do?' Should I continue that practice?"

Roshi answered, "Then should I also ask myself, 'What would Roshi do?'"

Drink tea and nourish life.

With the first sip... joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you."
So I didn't.

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
Zen is not easy.

It takes effort to attain nothingness.

And then what do you have?

Bugger all.
To Find the Buddha, look within.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
get rid of the motorcycle.

What were you thinking?

Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three - one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change-and not-change it.

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

More Zen humour -

http://rudyh.org/zen_fun_humour_jokes_stories_funny-humor.htm

Plus some Funny Wisdom Quotes at that site!

Enjoy!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Huge jokes site -

http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/best.html

Try the random picks - first one I tried -

A woman was talking to her friend "over the fence" when she noticed her husband coming home carrying a bunch of flowers.

Her friend said, "Isn't that nice, he's bringing you flowers."

The woman said, "Great - that means another weekend flat on my back with my feet up in the air!"

The friend said, "What's the matter, don't you have a vase?"

Have a good one!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

More Monk jokes -

http://www.yuksrus.com/religion_monks.html

Have a good one!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Cartoon about mental health -

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/507077239273889879/

Cheers!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Intelligence test

http://www.begent.org/intelquiz.htm

Loads more fun stuff at that site!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Why worry?
There only two things to worry about.
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well there is nothing to worry about.
If you are sick then there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will get well or you will die.
If you get well then there is nothing to worry about.
If you die then there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or you will go to hell.
If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about.
If you go to hell you will be so damn busy shaking hands with your friends that you wont have time to worry.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved
because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able
to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be
able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't
take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to
God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The
angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow
him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his
largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it
beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven
to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on,
you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and
asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter
checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one
carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting
it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that
the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You
brought some paving tiles?!!!"

 

[Geoff-Allen]

The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and arrives at the Pearly
Gate, where he is met by St. Peter, himself. The gate is closed, and
Forest approaches the gate keeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you.
We've heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is
filling up fast, so we've been administering an entrance exam to
everyone. The tests are short, but you must pass before you can
enter Heaven."

Forest responds, "It shore is nice to be here, St. Peter. I been
lookin' forward to this. Nobody tole me about any exams. Shore do
hope the test ain't hard; life were a big enough test."

St. Peter explains,"Yes, I know Forest; but, the test I have for
you is only three questions. First, What days of the week begin with
the letter T? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third,
what is God's first name?"

Forest goes away to think about the questions. He returns the next
day and approaches St. Peter to answer the questions. St. Peter asks,
"Now that you have had a chance to think about the questions, tell me
your answers."

Forest replies, "Well, that first one, how many days of the week
begin with the letter T; shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today
and Tomorrow!"

St. Peters's surprise shows, and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not
what I was thinking, but ...you do have a point, and I guess I didn't
specify, so I give you credit for your answer. How about the next one?
How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that there one's harder," says Forest, "But, I thunk and thunk
about it, and I guess the only answer is twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Forest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says, "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve; January second,
February second, March second..."

"Hold it", interrupts St. Peter, "I see where you're going with
this, and I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what
I had in mind, I'll give you credit for that one, also. Let's get
to the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forest says, "Well, shore, that's easy, I know God's first name.
Everybodys gotta know it. It is Howard."

"Howard?, asks St. Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?"

Forest answers, "Why, it's in the prayer."

St. Peter asks, "What prayer?"

"The Lord's prayer. Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be
thy name!"

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Help from God

A woman named Edna finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...' God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.'

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Edna again prays.... 'God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lotto night comes and Edna still has no luck.

Once again, she prays, 'My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE, just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Edna is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

'Edna, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.'

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Answers Given in a Bible Knowledge Test

1.The first book of the Bible is Guinness's. In the book of Guinness Adam and Eve were created from an apple

2.Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of the Ark. Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.

3.Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.

4.The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

5.The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

6.Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

7.Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

8.The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he actually obeyed him.

9.Unleavened bread is bread made with no ingredients.

10.A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

11.Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12.Solomon had 100 wives and 700 porcupines.

13.The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

14.When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

15.When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus sacked in the manager.
16.The people w
ho followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

17.St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

PSALM 23

The Lord and I are in a shepherd/sheep situation. I am in a position of negative need.

He prostrates me in a green belt grazing area; he conducts me directionally parallel to a torrential aqueous liquid.

He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological make-up; he switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximum prestige of his identity.

It should be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the umbrageous interhill mortality slot, terror sensations will not be instantiated in me due to para ethical phenomena.

You pastoral walking aid and quadruped pick up unit introduce me to pleasurific mood state.

You design and produce a nutrient bearing furniture type structure in he context of non co-operative elements; you act out a head related folk ritual employing vegetable extract by beverage utensil experiences in a volume crisis.

It is an ongoing deducible fact that your interrelation emphatic and non vengeance capabilities will retain me as their target focus for the duration of my non-death period. I will possess tenant rights in the house of the Lord on a permanently open ended time basis.