Looking for a few laughs?

[Geoff-Allen]

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper!

Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soot's him

Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
Because the present's beneath them.

What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet?
It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis!

Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
RUDEolph.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red. He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Comes from this site -

http://xmasfun.com/Jokes.aspx

Merry Christmas 2 all!

 

[Intojoy]

A taliban terrorist is running from the battle. Alone he makes his way thru the desert. Dying of thirst: "I need water"

He looks to what appears to be an oasis and begins in that direction only to find it is not an oasis at all. Just an old Jewish man selling ties.

"Give me some water before a die!"

" I haven't got any water, just these nice ties and only five US dollars, would you like one?"

"No I don't want your filthy western garb! I'm a Muslim and I hate westerners. If I had the strength I'd take one of your ties and strangle you to death but I'm weak now don't you have any water?"

I tell you what, I'm going to prove to you that I am the better man than you. Even tho you hate my guts for being a Jew and want to kill me, I'll show you I'm the better man. If you go that direction another kilometer you will come across a restaurant. All the water your soul desires. Now go in peace and God bless you."

"Ok, but I might come back and kill you if I get strong enough"

The taliban leaves.

A little while later and the Jewish man sees the taliban returning. He's on his hands and knees looking half dead raising a five dollar bill in his hand.

"They won't let me in without a tie!"

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Not So Deep Thoughts for the Day

The things that come to those who wait maybe the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost, and blamed it on the cost of living.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and overtake them.

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Funny Perks of Being Over Sixty

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/jokes_over60.htm

It's one huge site!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

10 Laws of Computing

1.If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

2.When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

3.When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.

4.The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

5.For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6.To err is human ... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7.He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8.The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9.A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10.A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Seven Funny Thoughts With Attitude

1.Do you ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

2.It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

3.If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea... does that mean that one in five enjoys it?

4.Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

5.Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

6.If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

7.If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

 

[Geoff-Allen]

HOUSE CALL

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him. At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling. "I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied. "Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps." As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated. "I didn't have to," the elder physician explained.

"You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill." "That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?" "I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied. At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately. "I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?" "Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Sometimes our words come back to haunt us. These quotes show how one slip of the tongue can echo a lifetime (not to mention bringing smiles to the masses).

http://www.dribbleglass.com/Jokes/quotes.htm

Loads at that site!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

- Miss Alabama, 1994 Miss USA Pageant

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Kids' Instructions on Life

Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower.
—Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
—Carroll, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
— Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert.
— Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
—Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
—Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
—Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
—Alyesha, Age 13

Never do pranks at a police station.
— Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
—Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
—Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
—Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
— Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.
— Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
—Philip, Age 13

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Things You'll Never Hear Men Say to Women

Here honey, you use the remote.

You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

While I'm up, can I get you anything?

Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.

Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

We never talk anymore.

Things You'll Never Hear Women Say to Men

What do you mean today's our anniversary?

Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

Ohh, this diamond is way too big!

Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends."

Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way too much for a designer dress.

Hey, pull my finger!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

The World's 20 Shortest Books

The Book of Virtues, by Bill Clinton
My Plan To Find The Real Killers, by OJ Simpson
Human Rights Advances in China
America’s Most Popular Lawyers
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
Easy UNIX
Al Gore: The Wild Years
Everything Men Know About Women
Everything Women Know About Men
French Hospitality
George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
How to Sustain a Musical Career, by Art Garfunkel
Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money, by Dennis Rodman
The Amish Phone Directory
The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion

 

[Geoff-Allen]

A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes.

The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.

The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.

The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!"

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Women's & Men's English -

http://www.jimpoz.com/jokes/menWomenDictionary.html

Have a good one!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Employer Talk.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION
You'll make under $7 an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY
You'll make under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY
We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance we'll be the next Mircosoft.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN
Once the higher-ups share it, there won't be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

SALES POSTITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER
We're not going to supply leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

SELF-MOTIVATED
Management won't answer questions.

WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $50 co-pay.

PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS
After three years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k).
If you behave, we'll give a 3 percent matching contribution.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE
. . . who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We don't pay enough for you to dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT
We have a lot of turnover.

EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and weekends on yachts.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT
Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT
We booze it up at company parties.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

SALARY RANGE $24K-$32K
We'll offer you $22K to start.

A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION
You'll give boring speeches on your own time.

FLEXIBLE HOURS
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED
Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.

CAREER-MINDED
Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON
If you're old or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is a formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates; you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD
You whine, you're fired.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

You are an Internet Addict ... IF ...

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com."

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

Your dog has its own home page.

You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill is as heavy as a brick.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage ... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

More at this interestin site -

http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/humor.html

You may also care 2 checkout this page -

http://www.ahajokes.com/top052.html

Enjoy!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

[Geoff-Allen]

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house

 

[Geoff-Allen]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands: "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"