Looking for a few laughs?

[Geoff-Allen]

The Washington Post held a contest in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work.

If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

 

[Jedster]

DAVID Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman:

"I want you to call me David Hoff".

The barman replies:

"Sure thing Dave... no hassle."

 

[Revoltingest]

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him 1½ hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this officer.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

This officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

 

[Jedster]

A sixth grade child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

Here is what he wrote;

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell


In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.



Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.’'

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Extracts from Funny Resumes

1. 'I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.'

2. 'I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms.'

3. 'I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.'

4. 'Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.'

5. 'Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.'

6. 'Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.'

7. 'It's best for employers that I not work with people.'

8. 'Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.'

9. 'You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.'

10. 'Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.'

11. 'I was working for my mom until she decided to move.'

12. 'Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.'

13. 'I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.'

14 'I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.'

15. 'I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. '

16. 'My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.'

 

[Geoff-Allen]

A Funny Story of How the Internet Began

​

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load - but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures: Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

Lo, Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others!" And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known, he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And that is how it all began.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Short Computer Jokes

Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he replied, 'I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!'

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Secret

While my next door neighbour, Ian, was tapping away on his home computer, his seven year old son, Nathan, sneaked up behind him.

Then Nathan turned and ran downstairs into the kitchen, bellowing to the rest of the family, 'I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!

''What is it?' Mia, his elder sister asked gently but eagerly.

Proudly Nathan shouted, 'It's asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.'

Crucial

When he was at Queen's University, Belfast, Northern Ireland, Kevin took a part time job as a computer technician dealing with most problems by telephone. One day he received a call.

The caller told Kevin that her computer was not working. She described the problem and he concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

Kevin told her to unplug the power cord and bring it to him in the office and he would fix it.

About fifteen minutes later she showed up at Kevin's door with the power cord in her hand.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Three men died, but before God would let them into heaven, God gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

The first guy said, "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter." So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said, "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter." So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter." So God made him a woman.

More here -

http://www.near-death.com/resources/jokes.html

Enjoy your day!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Maybe not exactly funny ... but interesting nonetheless -

http://obviousfun.com/tricky-questions-with-answers-33/

Enjoy!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Read more at:

http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/jokes/funny-quotes/funny-sayings/

Enjoy the day!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Any "Far Side" fans out there?

Here's a few cartoons -

http://www.funpic.hu/en/categories/gary-larson

Enjoy!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Quotations from Fortune Cookies:

• "You will find a bushel of money."
  
  
  
• "Your smile will tell you what makes you feel good."
  
  
  
• "You are going to have some new clothes."
  
  
  
• "Your family is young, gifted and attractive."
  
  
  
• "There is a true and sincere friendship between you both."
  
  
  
• "The night life is for you."
  
  
  
• "Face facts with dignity."
  
  
  
• "You are magnetic in your bearing."
  
  
  
• "You are free to invent your life."
  
  
  
• "Good sense is the master of human life."
  
  
  
• "Maybe someday we will live on the moon!"
  
  
  
• "Don't panic."
  
  
  
• "If you don't have time to live your life now, when will you?"
  
  
  
• "Ignorance never settles a question."
  
  
  
• "You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly."
  
  
  
• "Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance."
  
  
  
• "Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress."
  
  
  
• "You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment."
  
  
  
• "Do you believe? Endurance and persistence will be rewarded."
  
  
  
• "Good Luck bestows upon you. You will get what your heart desires."
  
  
  
• "Pat yourself on the back for creating an opportunity."
  
  
  
• "It could be better, but it's good enough."
  
  
  
• "You will find a thing. It may be important."
  
  
  
• "The calling that has sounded will not be the lasting call."
  
  
  
• "In youth and beauty, wisdom is rare."
  
  
  
• "This is the year when ingenuity stands high on the list."
  
  
  
• "The best year-round temperature is a warm heart and a cool head."
  
  
  
• "Ssoorrrryy,, dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh oonn.."
  
  
  
• "You will prosper in the field of wacky inventions."
  
  
  
• "Remember to share good fortune was well as bad with your friends."
  
  
  
• "You may be hungry soon; order a takeout now."

Enjoy our day!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Questions:

• "When I press on my brakes, the car doesn't stop. Do you think this is something I should have fixed?" -- Asked of a worker at an auto repair shop.
  
  
  
• "If you record silence on a tape and then play it back with the volume all the way up, will that drown out the noise in the room?" -- Asked by a woman of her boyfriend at the time.
  
  
  
• "How do I tell the difference between the big staples and the little staples?" -- Asked of a fellow office worker in South Africa.
  
  
  
• "The Renaissance was during the 1920's, right?" -- Asked of a high school student by another.
  
  
  
• "Where do you think water comes from? The SKY?" -- From an overheard argument about water conservation.
  
  
  
• "Do you want specific information in general or what?" -- From an overheard conversation between two managers.
  
  
  
• "I wasn't able to tape Oprah. Could I possibly come down there and watch it?" -- Asked of a local television station.
  
  
  
• "Can I speak to Tom Brokaw?" -- Asked of a local cable service representative.
  
  
  
• "How much is that $10 watch?"
  
  
  
• "Oh, honey, here's a watch store -- maybe they have it. Do you have any toe rings?"
  
  
  
• "Glenn Miller? Didn't he die in a car crash flying to France?"
  
  
  
• "I hate stereotypes. We Canadians don't really talk like that, eh?"
  
  
  
• "How do I get my car fixed?" -- Asked of a health insurance company.
  
  
  
• "What do you do with the mogels in the summer?" -- Asked of a ski lift operator.
  
  
  
• "Where's the kosher pork?" -- Asked of a worker at a grocery store.
  
  
  
• "Is Scott there?" -- Scott, asking for his friend Jim.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Marriage One Liner

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!

Married man live longer than a single man, but married man are lot more willing to die!

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in remembering two people the same thing.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

You can find more gags at this site -

http://www.tensionnot.com/jokes/wedding_jokes/marriage_one_liner

Enjoy!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Here's some absolutely classic videos -

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=monty+python

Enjoy your day!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Anonymous Marriage One-liners

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.Preparing for Marriage - A look at hell

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.'

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

A man had just had a severe heart operation and as he was coming to a nun was holding his hand and gently patting it. We he opened his eyes she said, "I hate to ask at a time like this but do you have insurance?" "No maam, he replied."

"Well do you have enough cash to pay your bill?" "No maam," he replied again. "Do you have any relatives who can help you?" "Only a spinster sister who is a nun," he replied. "Oh," said the nun, "she is no spinster, she is married to God!" "Well send the bill to my Brother-in-law," he replied.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"