Looking for a few laughs?

[Geoff-Allen]

A teacher was standing in the school hall, teaching the 7-11 year olds about Jesus. Standing there with a red-bound book entitled, "Stories of Jesus" he said to the assembled children, "Children, if Jesus were to come here today, what would you say to him?" A little boy declared, "I would show him the book, and then I'd say, "Jesus Christ, This is Your Life!"

 

[Geoff-Allen]

On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Two nuns, Sister Anne and Sister Noreen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Noreen. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Anne.

Sister Noreen switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Anne.

Sister Noreen turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Anne.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Noreen. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the #(*$&@(*#& off our car!!!!!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Two Dozen sayings -

1. I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
2. Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
9. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
10. It was all so different before everything changed.
11. Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
12. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
13. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
14. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
15. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
16. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
17. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
18. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
19. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
20. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
21. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
22. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
23. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
24. Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.

She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
Kids are asked questions about marriage...and, OH! how they answered!!

How do you decide who to marry?

• "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
  
  
• "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
  

What is the right age to get married?

• "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
  
  
• "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6
  

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

• "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6
  
  
• "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
  

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Back during the days of the former Soviet Union, a fellow by the name of Gerald Chattington had a friend in the Soviet Embassy by the name of Rudolph Nosov, who would drop by occasionally. One evening, Gerald and his wife, Peg, were sitting in the kitchen chatting when Gerald looked out the window and said, "Look, it's snowing." Rudolph looked out and said very quickly, "No, I think it is just rain." "I'm sure it is snow," insisted Gerald. "And I am just as sure that it is rain," said Rudolph. At this point Gerald turned to Peg to settle the argument. Peg looked out the window for a moment, then said, "What can I say? Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear."

 

[Geoff-Allen]

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

 

[Geoff-Allen]

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Email blessing -

Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day.

May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.

May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.

May the mail you receive not start with Fw Fw Fw, not contain strangely named attachments and contain a "".

May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children You are to be searching for.

May the mail you receive not cause you to change your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating Of parts of things that you can't buy at Wal-Mart.

May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.

May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.

May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the Death of monks, missionaries, mothers or the misguided.

And above all may peace and harmony be yours until Tomorrow.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

You know you've been spending too much time on-line if...

• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
• You start using smileys in your snail mail.
• You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
• You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
• You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
• You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
• You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
• You start tilting your head sideways to smile

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Things Mom Would Never Say

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
   
   
2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
   
   
3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
   
   
4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
   
   
5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
   
   
6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
   
   
7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
   
   
8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
   
   
9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

 

[Geoff-Allen]

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

You Know You're a Mother When ...

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

Your kid throws-up and you catch it.

Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

As you cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything".

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Murphy's Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

1. No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats.

2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If you sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.

4. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

7. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

8. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

9. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

10. School lunches stick to the wall.

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

12. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

13. The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

A nurse of an old folks home walked into the room of Mr. Jones and noticed he was crying at the foot of his bed. "What's the matter"? The nurse asked as she stood beside him.

Sobbing, the old man cried, "My penis died today", and began to cry hysterically.

The nurse played along with the old man and consoled him on his great loss.

A couple days later the nurse was in the middle of her rounds and noticed Mr. Jones walking down the hall with his penis hanging freely out of his shorts. The nurse walked up to him with a sympathetic voice and asked, "Mr. Jones...I thought your penis passed away a couple days ago."

He looked back at her and whispered, "It did, and today is the viewing."

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

 

[Geoff-Allen]

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation

Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?

Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We'll have two days til we arrive But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!

Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't, The danger here is far too great!

Picard: But surely we must not be late!

Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.

Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!

Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire?

Riker: Not me.

Worf: Not me.

Picard: Computer, how long til we die?

Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, or so it seems...

Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much. You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi: We still must save the Indran planet--

Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...

Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist. We understand--we get your gist. But can we get our ship to go? Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires And that's what started all the fires.

Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We need to go!

Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy And lock him up and ask him why?

Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental. I say give him problems dental.

Troi: Are any Romulan ships around? Have scanners said that they've been found? Or is it Borg or some new threat We haven't even heard of yet? I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!" I can't just sit and let them die! A doctor MUST attempt--MUST try!

Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*

Worf: The saboteur is in the brig. He's very strong and very big. I had my phaser set on stun-- A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one! He would not budge, he would not fall, He would not stun, no, not at all! He changed into a stranger form All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf? Did you see this creature morph?

Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly. Hit him on the jaw--quite squarely.

Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend! Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.

Picard: Then make it so!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins

• Coming Up—Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly welcome.

• All singles are invited to join us Friday at 7 p.m. for the annula Christmas Sing-alone."

• Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

• Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

• The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

• Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.