Looking for a few laughs?

[Geoff-Allen]

It's Time to Re-Assess Your Relationship With Your Computer When . . .

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back
to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have non-descript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

There is the allegedly true story of Father George who began his sermon early one Sunday morning by announcing to his congregation at St John's, Newbury, England, 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building programme. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'

Father Michael, of St Mary's church began his sermon with this story: 'I was on a plane last week, from Edinburgh to London, when we ran into some very severe weather which resulted in turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the airline stewards began to look concerned.

Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Reverend' in front of my name on the passenger list, so she approached me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know.........do something religious?'

'So I took up a collection,' retold Father Michael with a grin.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Somebody knocks on door:
- Who is there?
- Police!
- What do you want?
- We want to talk.
- How many of you are there?
- Two.
- So talk with each other.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Letter to the IRS

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995s weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.

Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you!

I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her "r's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,

Bob

(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian,white baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.

"Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I tink we name him Sum Ting Wong.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie.

The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."

The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.

The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.

Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Kerry, a longtime AWNAA supporter.

"This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing", said Kerry.

President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%)

President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of Nonabled people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level jobs.

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?"

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Kerry, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

 

[Geoff-Allen]

These are the only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use...

10. "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo,1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers.... my ***!" -Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton, 1999

And . . . drum roll . . . . .

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." -Osama bin Laden, November, 2001

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Tech Support Conversations

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.

*************

And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

*************

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."

Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

*************

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

*************

Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

*************

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

 

[Geoff-Allen]

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.

"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

 

[Geoff-Allen]

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:

''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''

 

[Geoff-Allen]

How about a bit of python -

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=life+of+brian

Have a good one!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Jokes for parents -

http://parents.berkeley.edu/jokes/

Enjoy!

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Important Things I've Learned From Kids

1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.

2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

3. Ask why until you understand.

4. Hang on tight.

5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten
anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off
than the worm.

6. Make up the rules as you go along.

7. It doesn't matter who started it.

8. Ask for sprinkles.

9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.

10. Save a place in line for your friends.

11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished
studying.

12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.

13. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.

14. Making your bed is a waste of time.

15. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.

16. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

17. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you hate to brake on
the way down.

18. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.

 

[Geoff-Allen]

Once upon a time, there were 2 brothers, Simon and Garth Brown. They had a dog called Walter, and they loved to take the dog Walter to their Uncle Charlie's mansion at the edge of town.

But one day, as they arrived at the mansion, they were surprised to find that the gates were locked and they couldn't get in. Fortunately, just then, Uncle Charlie's tall chauffeur appeared at the mansion door and began walking toward the trio at the gates.

However, the dog Walter took a sudden dislike to the tall chauffeur, and began barking and growling, making a huge noise. Neighbours leaned out of the windows of their mansions (the dog really was making a lot of noise) and asked what the hubbub was, and one of the neighbours replied:

"Simon and Garth's uncle's big chauffeur's troubled Walter."

 

[Geoff-Allen]

10 reasons to buy a new car ...

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

9. Instead of an air bag, there's a who opee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.

7. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.

6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, “Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?”

5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal “The Club. ”

4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making “vroom, vroom” noises while in the driveway.

2. You keep losing dates on left turns.

1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

Also try their random joke -

https://www.10000funnyjokes.com/blague-hasard.php

 

[Geoff-Allen]

I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.

http://onelinefun.com/god/

 

[sun rise]

I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.

http://onelinefun.com/god/

Unfortunately some of those are racist/offensive. But I did like this one: "If God is your co-pilot - swap seats."