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Looking for a few laughs?

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
The end of the world has come. God looks over the millions and millions of people and says to them, "Welcome to Heaven. I want the women to go with St. Peter. Go now and follow him. And you men, I want you to form two lines. The first line, to the left of me, is for men who dominated their women on earth. The second line, to the right of me, is for men who were dominated by their women." OK, now line up.

There was then much movement for some length of time, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines of men. The line of the men that were dominated by their women is 150 miles long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.

God is angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and yet you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
He turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?"

The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Arnold had reached the age of 105 and suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Worried by Arnold's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, his Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

Arnold looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me and I don't want to remind him."
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Excuse letters -

"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."
  • "Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot.
  • "Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
  • "Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."
  • "Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
  • "John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."
  • "Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."
  • "Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."
  • "Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."
  • "Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."
  • "Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak."
  • "Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."
  • "Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."
  • "Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Doctors' remarks on patient charts -

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
  • "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
  • "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
  • "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
  • "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
  • "The patient refused an autopsy."
  • "The patient has no past history of suicides."
  • "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
  • "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
  • "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
  • "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
  • "She is numb from her toes down."
Loads more here -

http://www.rinkworks.com/said/

:)
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

~ Margaret Mead

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

~ W. H. Auden

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

~ Isaac Asimov

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

~ Albert Einstein

Much more at this site -

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_funny.html

:)
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

God said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make.

She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will not nag you,and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam asked God what would a woman like that would cost him.

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

And the rest is history ...

smile2.gif
:Just kidding gals !!"
smile2.gif
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?
Quakers: None; the light comes from within.

Church of Christ: None; light bulbs aren’t mentioned in the Bible, so it would be unscriptural.

Catholics: None; they use candles. (However, they will consider commissioning a very expensive stained glass window.)

United Methodists: None; they refuse to rate one bulb over another.

Lutherans: None; they don't believe in change.

Unitarian Universalists: None, since even the darkest bulb must be saved.

Amish: None. "What's a light bulb?"

Charismatics: Only one, but their hands are already in the air.

Mormons: Just one, but only after all the pre-teen wives have made it to the school bus.

Jehovah's Witnesses: Three; one to change the bulb and two to knock on your door and ask if you've seen the light!

Pentecostals: Ten; one to change the bulb and nine to pray away the spirit of darkness.

Episcopalians: Ten; one to put in the new bulb and nine to discuss how much better whale blubber candles were in the past.

Nazarene: Ten; one woman to replace the bulb while nine men review church lighting policy.

Baptists: At least three committees, and another group to make sure there's plenty of iced tea, fried chicken and potato salad.

Zionists: One to change the bulb and 7.8 million to accuse Edison, GE, tungsten and electricity of being anti-Semitic.

Buddhists: All of them, since they are in unity with everything.
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Mark died and went to the here after.

Saint Peter met him at the pearly gates and preceeded to give him a tour of heaven.

"In this room you can see all your loved ones who passed away before you." stated Saint Peter.

" This room is the Lords library." said Peter "In here you will find every great novel ever written by all the greatest authors."

"This is the kitchen, in here you can feast on everything your heart desires." he remarked.

"The next room is our gym. Here you can excel in any sport you wish to play." Saint Peter said.

Then quietly sneaking by the next room Peter whispers, "Be very quiet when you pass by this room."

"Why's that?" asked Mark, "Are the angels sleeping in there?"

"No." replied Saint Peter, "In this room are the Baptists, and they think they are the only ones here."
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Dave Barry's 50 Years of Experience

1. Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to specify, in one word, why the human race has not, and will never achieve its full potential, that word would be meetings.

3. It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who push to share their religious views with you rarely care to have you to share yours with them.

5. One does well to separate one's career from one's life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance. Just dance.

7. Regardless of the temptation, don't lick a steak knife.

8. The most devastating force in the world is gossip.

9. You should never say anything to a woman that even hints that you think she's pregnant.

10. The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

11. A person, who is nice to you, but mean to the stranger, is not a nice person.

12. Men are like a fine cheese. They start out as milk, and it's up to women to mold them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

http://www.jokesclean.com/OneLiner/
 
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