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Looking for a few laughs?

Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Two men meet on the street.

One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"

The other ones replies: "I'm fine, thanks."

"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"

"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."

"Meditating? What's that?"

"I dont know. But it's better than sitting around and do nothing!"
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Aren't kids great? They say what's on their minds and what makes perfect sense to them. And we adults get to enjoy it. Here are the answers some elementary school children gave to these questions about their mothers.

How did God make mothers?

Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

He made my Mom just the same as he made me. He just used some bigger parts.

He used dirt, just like He used for the rest of us.

Why did God make mothers?

Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.

What Kids Think About Their Mothers
To help us come out when we were getting born.

Mainly to clean the house.

She's the only one who knows where to find the scotch tape.

Why did God give you your mother and not somebody else's mom?

God knew she likes me a lot more than other kid's moms like me.

We're related.

What kind of little girl was your mother?

I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be she was pretty bossy.

They say she used to be nice.

My mother has always been my mother and none of that other stuff.

What ingredients does God use to make mothers?

They get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

God makes mothers out of angel hair and clouds everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.

How did your mother meet your dad?

Mommy was working in a store and daddy was shoplifting.

What did your mother need to know about your father before she married him?

His last name.

She had to know his background. Like does he get drunk on beer? Is he a crook? Does he make at least $900 a year? Did he say "No" to drugs and "Yes" to chores?

Why did your mother marry your father?

She got too old to do anything else with him.

My grandma says that mommy didn't have her thinking cap on.

My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mommy eats a lot.

Who's the boss around your house?

What Kids Think About Their Mothers
My mom doesn't want to be the boss, but she has to because my dad's such a goofball.

Mom. You can tell by how she does room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

I guess my mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than my dad.

What makes a real woman?

A real woman is that you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

What does your mother do in her spare time?

To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

Mothers don't do spare time.

What's the difference between dads and moms?

Dads are stronger and taller, but moms have the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just have to work at work.

What's the difference between mothers and grandmas?

You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!

About 30 years.

Describe the world's greatest mother?

She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!

The greatest mother in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!

She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is there anything about your mother that's perfect?

Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.

Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.

Just her children.

What would it take to make your mother perfect?

You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

A diet.

If you could change one thing about your mother, what would it be?

I'd make my mother smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Marriage jokes clean -

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Marriage is an institution where two people come together to joint solve the problems they never had before they got married.

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.

- Ogden Nash.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

More here -

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/jokes_marriage.htm
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
If you can live without caffeine,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him or her,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,

Then you have almost reached the same level of spiritual development as your dog!

:)
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Funny excuses for missing work -
  1. I couldn’t find a cute pair of shoes to wear.
  2. While driving to work I missed the turn, I decided to keep going.
  3. An invisible car came out of nowhere, slammed into my car and vanished.
  4. I won’t be in today.. uhm….I’ll call back later with my excuse.
  5. I’m having a bad hair day and I have to go home to wash it.
  6. My wife said she is going to conceive today, and I think I should be there.
  7. The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to walk to the veterinarian.
  8. I locked myself in the bathroom.
  9. My cat hid my car key, she gets lonely when I’m not here.
  10. I left the bedroom window open last night and in the morning it was too cold to get out of bed.
Comes from this site -

http://www.familyfriendjokes.com/joke/top-10-list-of-funny-excuses-for-missing-work

Cheers!
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Two bored dealers are waiting at a craps table.

A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm topless."

With that, she takes off her blouse and rolls the dice. She then begins jumping up and down and hugging and kissing each of the dealers.

"Yes! I win! I win!" With that, she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know! I thought YOU were watching!"
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Dogs vs. People

You just can't beat a dog. Maybe we should rephrase that. We love dogs. In fact, the more people we meet, the more we love dogs. Here are some reasons they're so great.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't brag about who they've slept with.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you—except fetch. And dogs never laugh at how you throw.

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
 
sun rise

sun rise

The world is on fire
Premium Member
Geoff-Allen said:
Dogs vs. People

You just can't beat a dog. Maybe we should rephrase that. We love dogs. In fact, the more people we meet, the more we love dogs. Here are some reasons they're so great.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't brag about who they've slept with.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you—except fetch. And dogs never laugh at how you throw.

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
Click to expand...
I've known dogs to whom "no" means "try harder".
 
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