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Looking for a few laughs?

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Mom would never say ...

  1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

  2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

  3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

  4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

  5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

  6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

  7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

  8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

  9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
:)
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, does it say 'me'?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Why do we kill people who kill people to show them that killing people is wrong?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why does a 'slight tax increase' cost you $200 and a 'substantial tax cut' save you 30 cents?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

If the sky is the limit, then what is space?

If firefighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight?

Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

What's the opposite of opposite?

Can you cry under water?

More at this site -

Confusing Questions
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
"Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match."

Ian Wright

"They didn't change positions, they just moved the players around."

Terry Venables

"They (Swindon) are still finding that they are much happier when they have the ball than when the other side has it."

Ron Jones

"He's caused the Chelsea defence no amount of problems."

Jimmy Armfield

"Barnsley have started off the way they mean to begin."

Chris Kamara

"That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass."

Murdo MacLeod

"Bolton have won just three of their last two games".

Ian Abrahams

“Martin Jol has put his hands on his heads.” Ray Parlour

“I don’t want Rooney to leave these shores but if he does, I think he’ll go abroad.”

Ian Wright

“They were numerically outnumbered.”

Garry Birtles

“The game is not over until it is.”

Dwight Yorke

"Michael Owen to Newcastle is the biggest transfer of the season so far - and it will be until there's a bigger one."

Jim White

"I can learn as much from Darius Vassell as he can from me - but he can learn more"

Andrew Cole

"I’d like to have seen Tony Morley left on as a down-and-out winger."

Jimmy Armfield

“I spent four indifferent years at Goodison, but they were great years.”

Martin Hodge

From David Coleman himself -

"That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world record."

"Don't tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but let's just have another look at Italy's winning goal."

"He's 31 this year - last year he was 30."

"He just can't believe what's not happening to him."

"In a moment we hope to see the pole vault over the satellite."

"He is accelerating all the time. The last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before that in 62."

"For those of you watching who do not have television sets, live commentary is on Radio 2."

"The late start is due to the time."

"It's gold or nothing...and it's nothing. He comes away with the silver medal."

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself with 20,000 people."

"Forest have now lost six matches without winning."

"He's even smaller in real life than he is on the track."

"The front wheel crosses the finish line, closely followed by the back wheel."

"And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19-year-old Kenyan who turned 20 a few weeks ago."

"This could be a repeat of what will happen in the European games next week."

"If that had gone in, it would have been a goal."

"This evening is a very different evening from the morning we had this morning."

"He's seven seconds ahead and that's a good question."

"I think there is no doubt, she'll probably qualify for the final."

"I have the feeling she (Manuela Machado) is an athlete who likes to get away from the opposition."

"Nobody has ever won the title twice before. He (Roger Black) has already done that."

"He's got his hands on his knees and holds his head in despair."

"Both of the Villa scorers - Withe and Mortimer - were born in Liverpool as was the Villa manager Ron Saunders who was born in Birkenhead."

"We had already beaten them 4-0 and 7-0 earlier this season, so we knew we were in for a really tough game today."

Barry Ferguson

"We had two shots saved off the line by the post."

Craig Brown

"Some of their players are internationals; some play for their national team."

Steve McClaren

"Not to win is guttering."

Mark Noble

“It’s 0-0 here. No goals.”

Adrian Chiles

"He’s unpleased about that.”

Mark Bright

"He’s one of the greatest players in the world, if not one of the greatest anywhere."

Sky Andrew

"I never make predictions and I never will.”

Paul Gascoigne, making a prediction!

"I never make forecasts but whoever wins that game will win the final.”

Ken Bates doing a Gascoigne

"Bristol Rovers were 4-0 up at half time, with four goals in the first half."

Tony Adamson


More here -

footballsite - Colemanballs, some hilarious 'foot-in-mouth' football quotes. Number 1 - General Football & David Coleman himself.
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
WANT TO FEEL SMART?

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and watch those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president!" --Hilary Clinton, First Lady, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: how much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theismann, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery, former Australian cabinet member

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Feeling smarter yet?

- Author Unknown -

More fun stuff -

Christian Humor and Other Clean Funnies and Jokes

Enjoy!
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Top Ten Cracker Jokes For You To Groan At

What we find is that everyone groans eight and laughs at two of these ten. The strange thing is everyone has a different pair that they chuckle at.

What does a frog do if his car breaks down?
He gets it toad away.

What do you call a crazy golfer?
A crack put.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
Auld Fang Syne.

What is black and white and noisy?
A zebra with a drum kit.

What's the fastest thing in water?
A motor pike.

What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A jelly baby.

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesawus.

What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck.

Where are the Andes?
On the end of the armies.
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Quotes from the perfect man

"Have another piece of cake, dear. Your *** is just too small!"

"Let's just concentrate on your pleasure tonight, darling."

"I just don't see what the big deal over Heather Locklear is."

"You look so hot in that old t-shirt nightie!"

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses"

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal"

"Here, honey, let's read the instructions together"

"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"

"Do you want me to pick you up some tampons while I'm out?"

"I think you should buy the biggest vibrator in the store"

"While I'm up, may I get anything for you?"

"I was wrong . . . you were right. I'm sorry I argued."

"Her breasts are just too big!"

"Sometimes I just want to be held"

"Why, I would LOVE to wear a condom!"

"We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping so I can hold your purse!"

"Forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Ally McBeal"

"I think we're lost. Let's pull over and ask for directions"

"Men do drive and communicate poorly! That jerk didn't use his blinker!"

"I'm really sick, but fear not, I can fend for myself"

"Here's the remote honey ... find something heartwarming"

"Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it"

"What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies"

"How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub. I really don't like sex that much anyway"

"You know, that Pamela Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman"

"What a break, I won a prize on the radio station ... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!"

"Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed"
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God... “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man,’ Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He’ll also need your advice to think properly. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”

“Sounds great,” said Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Yeah, well… you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

More humour & inspiration at this site -

Counterpoint Article Library - Humor & Inspiration

Enjoy!
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Product Warnings:

  • "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.


  • "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.


  • "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.


  • "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.


  • "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.


  • "Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.


  • "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.


  • "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.


  • "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.


  • "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.


  • "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.

Things People Said

:)
 
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