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Looking for a few laughs?

Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
From Homer Simpson -

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

:)
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Landlady: Telephone Mr. Hilter. It’s that nice Mr McGoering from the Bell and Compasses. He says he’s found a place where you can hire bombers by the hour.

Hitler: If he opens his mouth again… it’s lampshade time!

Von Ribbentrop: (controlling Hitler and getting him toward the door) Shut up. (Hitler exits) Hire bombers by the hour, ha ha, what a laugh he is, that Scottish person! Good old Norman. (he exits)

Landlady: He’s on the phone all the time nowadays.

Johnson: In business, is he?

Himmler: Soon baby.

Landlady: Course it’s his big day Thursday. Oh, they’ve been planning it for months.

Johnson: What happens then?

Landlady: Oh it’s the North Minehead by-election. Mr. Hilter’s standing as a National Bocialist candidate. He’s got wonderful plans for Minehead.

Johnson: Like what?

Landlady: Well for a start he wants to annex Poland.

Interviewer: What do you think of Mr. Hilter’s policies?

Yokel: I don’t like the sound of these ‘ere boncentration bamps.

~ Monty Python’s Flying Circus

For a bunch of quotes from some interesting TV shows!

TV Show Quotes | planetclaire.TV

Cheers!
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Dave Barry's 50 Years of Experience

1. Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to specify, in one word, why the human race has not, and will never achieve its full potential, that word would be meetings.

3. It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who push to share their religious views with you rarely care to have you to share yours with them.

5. One does well to separate one's career from one's life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance. Just dance.

7. Regardless of the temptation, don't lick a steak knife.

8. The most devastating force in the world is gossip.

9. You should never say anything to a woman that even hints that you think she's pregnant.

10. The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

11. A person, who is nice to you, but mean to the stranger, is not a nice person.

12. Men are like a fine cheese. They start out as milk, and it's up to women to mold them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Enjoy your day!
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
A man arrived at the gates of Heaven.

St. Peter asked, “Religion?”

The man said, “Methodist.”

St. Peter looked down his list and said,” Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”

Another man arrived at the gates of Heaven.

“Religion?”

“Catholic.”

“Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”

A third man arrived at the gates.

“Religion?”

“Jewish.”

“Go to Room 11 but be very quiet as you pass Room 8.”

The man said, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?”

St. Peter told him, “Well, the Baptists are in Room 8, and they think they’re the only ones here.”

More gags here -

They Think They’re The Only Ones Here

Enjoy!
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
At Sunday School the teacher was explaining how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when she described how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and she asked, "Johnny, what's the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

- Author Unknown -

More here -

Christian Humor and Other Clean Funnies and Jokes

Enjoy!
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
  • If a man is in a forest talking to himself with no women around, is he still wrong?
  • Man's commonest fault is not knowing what he doesn't know.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
  • By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  • Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  • Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain
  • The cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
  • Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.
  • Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
  • If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
  • Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
  • One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
  • You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enrol their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behaviour continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.

The boy shook his head and said "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

The Plus Sign - Christian Jokes
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

“I don’t think I’ll be there," the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office."
 
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