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Looking for a few laughs?

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Tom and his wife Jenny were attending a class for parents to be. “Husbands, today we are going to focus on you!” announced the instructor.

“I want you all to do the following activities as if you were the one pregnant. This way you will see how difficult everyday activities become for the pregnant women, and you will leave with a greater appreciation for your pregnant wives.”

“Wow! This is great! Finally you’ll have a feeling for what I’ve been going through!” Jenny excitedly said to Tom, as his stepped up for his assignment.

“Tom, I want you to pretend to cook dinner as if you were a tired out woman in her seventh month!”, ordered the instructor.

“Oh that’s simple” Tom confidently answered. “I know exactly how I would do it… Honey!” he hollered. “Order us a pie of pizza for dinner tonight. I’m too tired to cook!”

http://www.familyfriendjokes.com/jokes/jokes-for-the-married/marriage/
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
In East Windsor Hospital in Connecticut, USA, the relatives gathered in the waiting room as their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. 'I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces, 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a few minutes, one asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor responded quickly, '$50,000 for a male brain, and $2,000 for a female brain.' [£32,500 GBP - £13000 GBP]

The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than the female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then replied to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used.'

Will and Guy's Funny Differences Between Genders
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers.

The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

Political Jokes: George Bush Jokes, War on Terrorism, Osama bin Laden, Taliban Humor
 

Bob the Unbeliever

Well-Known Member
A couple of snails were resting on the back of a box turtle, who was in turn, basking in the sun.

Alas, the sun, as it is wont to do, moves on, and the turtle wakes up, preparing to move away.

As the turtle emerges from his shell, one snail turns to the other:

"Hey! Simon-- hang on-- it's about to get bumpy!"

Everything in life is relative.
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

Quakers: None; the light comes from within.

Church of Christ: None; light bulbs aren’t mentioned in the Bible, so it would be unscriptural.

Catholics: None; they use candles. (However, they will consider commissioning a very expensive stained glass window.)

United Methodists: None; they refuse to rate one bulb over another.

Lutherans: None; they don't believe in change.

Unitarian Universalists: None, since even the darkest bulb must be saved.

Amish: None. "What's a light bulb?"

Charismatics: Only one, but their hands are already in the air.

Mormons: Just one, but only after all the pre-teen wives have made it to the school bus.

Jehovah's Witnesses: Three; one to change the bulb and two to knock on your door and ask if you've seen the light!

Pentecostals: Ten; one to change the bulb and nine to pray away the spirit of darkness.

Episcopalians: Ten; one to put in the new bulb and nine to discuss how much better whale blubber candles were in the past.

Nazarene: Ten; one woman to replace the bulb while nine men review church lighting policy.

Baptists: At least three committees, and another group to make sure there's plenty of iced tea, fried chicken and potato salad.

Zionists: One to change the bulb and 7.8 million to accuse Edison, GE, tungsten and electricity of being anti-Semitic.

Buddhists: All of them, since they are in unity with everything.

The Best Religious Jokes
 

Bob the Unbeliever

Well-Known Member
Overheard in Heaven, the other day:

Gabriel, "Yo, Jesus. So, are you going back down there?"

Jesus, "Ahh, heck naw! Did you see what happened the last time? And look at it now-- there are forking crosses all over the place. They are definitely ready and waiting, if I should ever show up again. Eff that noise. "

Gabriel, "I hear ya, man. Wanna go watch some chick flicks and pop some popcorn?"

Jesus, "and some rocky road?"

Gabriel, "Okay--some rocky road. Do you want a roll of cookie dough too?"

Jesus, "yes, please. choco-chocolate chip"
 

ChristineM

"Be strong", I whispered to my coffee.
Premium Member
Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older:

Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your *** tomorrow.

...and as someone recently said:
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Kids in church

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."


After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."


A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" the boy asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"


A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"


After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"


Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms.Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.


The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook"


Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."


A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Even more on this page -

RELIGIOUS JOKES

:)
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
A Confession:

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be telling you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

Tommy grinned. "Three month's vacation and five good leads!"
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Advice from kids:

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."

-Patrick, age 10



"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?' Don't answer."

-Hannah, age 9


"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."

-Michael, age 14



"Stay away from prunes."

-Randy, age 9



"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to."

-Emily, age 10



"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."

-Taylia, age 11



"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment."

-Traci, age 14



"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac."

- Andrew, age 9



"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time."

- Kyoyo, age 11


"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."

-Amir, age 9



"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."

-Kellie, age 11


"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."

-Naomi, age 15



"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."

-Lauren, age 9



"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."

-Joel, age 10



"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone."

-Alyesha, age 13



"Never try to baptize a cat."

-Eileen, age 8

More jokes here -

Wayne Schmidt's Joke Page
 

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God... “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man,’ Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He’ll also need your advice to think properly. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”

“Sounds great,” said Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Yeah, well… you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

Counterpoint Article Library - Humor & Inspiration
 

Bob the Unbeliever

Well-Known Member
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God... “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man,’ Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He’ll also need your advice to think properly. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”

“Sounds great,” said Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Yeah, well… you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

Counterpoint Article Library - Humor & Inspiration

Brilliant! And I want to give it a "funny" too-- but "winner" superseded that.
 
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