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Looking for a few laughs?

Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
One day, after nearly an eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam dials up God and says; "Lord, I have a problem"

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know that you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I'm lonely." "The sheep and I do not speak the same language."


"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a WOMAN for you"

"Forgive me, Lord, but what is a WOMAN?"

"This WOMAN will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you." Replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great to me." says Adam.

"She will be great, as is with all things I create, well except for the Platypus, but Adam.........."

"Yes Lord."

"This is going to cost you."

"How much will this WOMAN cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She'll cost you your right arm,..... your right leg,..... an eye and an ear,... and........... your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time. Then with a look of deep though and concern still etched on his face Adam says, "Ehhhh, what can I get for a rib?"

More jokes here -

MarkThiSpot.com 4 Hilarious Adam & Eve Jokes!

Enjoy!
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Rules for women:

  1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  2. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

  3. Crying is blackmail.

  4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

  5. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

  6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

  7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

  8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

  9. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

  10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

  11. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

  12. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

  13. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

  14. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

  15. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

  16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

  17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

  18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

  19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

  20. You have enough clothes.

  21. You have too many shoes.

  22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

  23. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

  24. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

  25. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
How about a few puns -

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Last night, I kept dreaming that I had written Lord of the Rings. The wife said I'd been tolkien in my sleep.

This year I made my Christmas wreath out of Franklin Fir branches. I really like a wreath of Franklin.

Many more at this site -

Puns about People (Families)

Enjoy!
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Steven Wright jokes -

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

orangeball.gif
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

orangeball.gif
Power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

orangeball.gif
The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

orangeball.gif
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

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What's another word for Thesaurus?

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I like to skate on the other side of the ice... I like to reminisce with people I don't know... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit... And when I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

orangeball.gif
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

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I lost a button hole today.

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I collect rare photographs. I have two. One of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

Steven Wright Jokes

:)
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A conference is a gathering of important people who individually can't do anything but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Computers follow your orders, not your intentions.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly.

Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?

https://www.oneliners-and-proverbs.com/engels/computer.html
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
10 Laws of Computing
  1. If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
  2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
  3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.
  4. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
  5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
  6. To err is human ... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
  7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
  8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
  9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
  10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Bedtime prayer for women:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose thingy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won"t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens my door,
Massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask "How big's my behind?
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the tub, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the ******* you sent me instead.
A-man.

More here -

Religious Jokes, Catholic Jokes, Pope Jokes, Religion Jokes, God, Priests, Jewish, Christian, Hell, Heaven, Nuns
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandpa did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

♦ When I go to heaven, I want to see my Grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and that old-man smell.

♦ I sure will be glad when scientists discover a cure for Natural Causes.

♦ When you die, if you get a choice between regular heaven or pie heaven, chose pie heaven. It may be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmm boy.

♦ If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

♦ If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

♦ If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

♦ I just read a list of "The 100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.

♦ I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

♦ My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him.

♦ If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

More jokes here -

Jokes About The Afterlife
 
ChristineM

ChristineM

"Be strong", I whispered to my coffee.
Premium Member
My wife told me ‘Sex is better on holiday’. Not the best postcard to receive.

My husband bought some camouflage trouser's, i could still see him.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him that everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "Will you stop shaking the ladder."

There are so many scams on the Internet these days....but for only €19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

For anyone who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
When I Was Young - A Funny Computer Poem

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch Floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

Author Unknown
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Computers male or female?

A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor was very aware of the fact that that ships are addressed as 'she' and 'her'. He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.



The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

More here -

Computer Jokes

:)
 
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