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Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
9 WORDS WOMEN USE:
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying a really bad word.
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Funny Emails. Too Hilarious To Keep To Yourself!
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying a really bad word.
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Funny Emails. Too Hilarious To Keep To Yourself!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Alcohol Consumption Warnings
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your rear-end kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your rear-end kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the firstman, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having anaffair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having anaffair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way ...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.
"How?" asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.
"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"
"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The second worker was hot on his heels.
"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.
"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.
"How?" asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.
"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"
"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The second worker was hot on his heels.
"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.
"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
The Perfect Man
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Ryan"
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Ryan Jay Robinson. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Ryan Jay Robinson, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Ryan Jay Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Ryan Jay Robinson, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Ryan, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Ryan Jay Robinson."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Ryan. He died. I'm married to his widow."
Marriage Jokes - Relationship Jokes
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Ryan"
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Ryan Jay Robinson. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Ryan Jay Robinson, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Ryan Jay Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Ryan Jay Robinson, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Ryan, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Ryan Jay Robinson."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Ryan. He died. I'm married to his widow."
Marriage Jokes - Relationship Jokes
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling****.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling****.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Click here -
50 Funny and Bizarre Excuses Given to Police and Insurance Companies Following Car Accidents
Also try their Quotations menus - quite a variety!
Enjoy!
50 Funny and Bizarre Excuses Given to Police and Insurance Companies Following Car Accidents
Also try their Quotations menus - quite a variety!
Enjoy!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A search for funny philosophy turns up a few ...
For example - don't know if I would call some of these philosophical exactly -
Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
I can't remember the last time I forgot something.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you.
But I don't have an "any key" on my computer!
They came from this site -
Funny philosophy
Enjoy!
For example - don't know if I would call some of these philosophical exactly -
Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
I can't remember the last time I forgot something.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you.
But I don't have an "any key" on my computer!
They came from this site -
Funny philosophy
Enjoy!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
On the Ning Nang Nong
Where the Cows go Bong!
and the monkeys all say BOO!
There's a Nong Nang Ning
Where the trees go Ping!
And the tea pots jibber jabber joo.
On the Nong Ning Nang
All the mice go Clang
And you just can't catch 'em when they do!
So its Ning Nang Nong
Cows go Bong!
Nong Nang Ning
Trees go ping
Nong Ning Nang
The mice go Clang
What a noisy place to belong
is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!!
~ Spike Milligan
Much more here -
100 Best Funny Poems and Limericks | 100 Best Poems
Where the Cows go Bong!
and the monkeys all say BOO!
There's a Nong Nang Ning
Where the trees go Ping!
And the tea pots jibber jabber joo.
On the Nong Ning Nang
All the mice go Clang
And you just can't catch 'em when they do!
So its Ning Nang Nong
Cows go Bong!
Nong Nang Ning
Trees go ping
Nong Ning Nang
The mice go Clang
What a noisy place to belong
is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!!
~ Spike Milligan
Much more here -
100 Best Funny Poems and Limericks | 100 Best Poems
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Most of us cut our teeth on the Goons, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, et al, and have fond memories of that sense of the riduculous that pervaded those sketches which stretched our imaginations to the boundary, when we could say "I can relate to that!" Words crept into our vocabulary which made no sense to those who weren't fans of theirs. They gave a new horizon to our perspective of how we view life, and for us it has remained to keep us sane! There seems to be a 'safety valve' within us that switches on when things get tough which we turn to, and from which all great comedy seems to spring from. Spike Milligan is one of those geniuses and we have much pleasure in presenting a selection of some of the poems he wrote for his children entitled "Silly Verses For Kids" -
Silly Verse for Kids, by Spike Milligan, for the young at heart
Silly Verse for Kids, by Spike Milligan, for the young at heart
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
I got lost in thoughts. It was unfamiliar territory.
Sure, I'd love to help you out ... now, which way did you come in?
I would like to slip into something more comfortable - like a coma.
I started with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
They come from this site - yet to check it out fully -
Funny & Famous One Liners . . . an ample list on 1 page
Enjoy!
Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
I got lost in thoughts. It was unfamiliar territory.
Sure, I'd love to help you out ... now, which way did you come in?
I would like to slip into something more comfortable - like a coma.
I started with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
They come from this site - yet to check it out fully -
Funny & Famous One Liners . . . an ample list on 1 page
Enjoy!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
Spike Milligan
Spike Milligan
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Dumbest Things Ever Said Online -
36 Dumbest Things Ever Said Online
36 Dumbest Things Ever Said Online
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Stupid Jokes - One Liners
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Stupid Jokes - One Liners
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'
'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'
Good Jokes. Funny short stories and tales
'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'
Good Jokes. Funny short stories and tales
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how ruthless her husband was during the divorce proceedings, when she finds a magic lamp washed up onshore.
She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical catholic genie! The catholic genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. For freeing him from the lamp, the catholic genie informs her that he will give her three wishes.
But, he says the wishes have a caveat, because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband twenty times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish.
The first wish was for a ten million dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of money. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 200 million dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns twenty of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of twenty such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish...I'd like to give birth to triplets."
source: Three Wishes Jokes - People Jokes
She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical catholic genie! The catholic genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. For freeing him from the lamp, the catholic genie informs her that he will give her three wishes.
But, he says the wishes have a caveat, because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband twenty times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish.
The first wish was for a ten million dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of money. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 200 million dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns twenty of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of twenty such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish...I'd like to give birth to triplets."
source: Three Wishes Jokes - People Jokes
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
The best of the worst Christmas cracker jokes
In no particular order ... they're pretty much all awful ... from various sources on the internet ...
How do hedgehogs make love? Very carefully.
What did the Policeman say to the stomach? You're under a vest
Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance? They have two left feet.
What wobbles and flies? A Jelly-copter.
What goes ha ha ha clonk? A man laughing his head off.
What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper.
Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate.
What has four legs but can't walk? A table!
World's Funniest Jokes | theVoiceofReason.co.uk
In no particular order ... they're pretty much all awful ... from various sources on the internet ...
How do hedgehogs make love? Very carefully.
What did the Policeman say to the stomach? You're under a vest
Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance? They have two left feet.
What wobbles and flies? A Jelly-copter.
What goes ha ha ha clonk? A man laughing his head off.
What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper.
Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate.
What has four legs but can't walk? A table!
World's Funniest Jokes | theVoiceofReason.co.uk
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
English To Confuse Foreign Learners
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?