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Looking for a few laughs?

Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop. "Yesssh, ssshombody ssshtol my car!" Edward replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key," Edward replies. At this point the cop looks down to see that Edward's penis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?" Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!!!"
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.

I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
It's time to reassess your relationship with your computer when .....

  1. You wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop at the computer to check your email on the way back to bed.
  2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
  4. You start using smileys :) in your snail mail.
  5. When you hand-write a note and think... SPELL CHECKER'!
  6. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
  7. When your computer's email box shows 'no new messages' and you feel really depressed.
  8. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have non-descript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
  9. Your family always knows where you are.
  10. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say 'LOL, LOL'
  11. If your computer's internet connection goes down, you cannot settle to any other tasks.
  12. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says, “You.”

Many more gags -

Q: What is an atheist's favorite Christmas... - Unijokes.com

Scroll down ...
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work.," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're NAKED!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my Love Dress." the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love Dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.

On the way home she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

"This is My Love Dress." She replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

FAVORITE SENIOR JOKES BOOK. Great Jokes for Senior Citizens.
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
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