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Looking for a few laughs?
- Thread starter Geoff-Allen
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Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
How To Know If Are Ready to Have Children
Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Much more humour here -
Are You Ready For Kids
Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Much more humour here -
Are You Ready For Kids
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than....... Punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the....... Bug is close
It's always darkest before....... Daylight savings time
Never underestimate the power of....... Termites
You can lead a horse to water but ...........How?
Don't bite the hand that....... Looks dirty
No news is....... Impossible
A miss is as good as a....... Mr
You can't teach an old dog....... math
If you lie down with dogs, you....... Will stink in the morning
Love all, trust....... Me
The pen is mightier than....... The pigs
An idle mind is....... The best way to relax
Where there is smoke, there's....... Pollution
Happy is the bride who....... Gets all the presents
A penny saved is....... Not much
Two is company, three's....... The Musketeers
None are so blind as....... Helen Keller
Children should be seen and not....... Spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed....... Get new batteries
You get out of something what you....... See pictured on the box
When the blind lead the blind....... Get out of the way
There is no fool like....... Aunt Edie
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you.
Cry and....... you have to blow your nose.
Better to be safe than....... Punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the....... Bug is close
It's always darkest before....... Daylight savings time
Never underestimate the power of....... Termites
You can lead a horse to water but ...........How?
Don't bite the hand that....... Looks dirty
No news is....... Impossible
A miss is as good as a....... Mr
You can't teach an old dog....... math
If you lie down with dogs, you....... Will stink in the morning
Love all, trust....... Me
The pen is mightier than....... The pigs
An idle mind is....... The best way to relax
Where there is smoke, there's....... Pollution
Happy is the bride who....... Gets all the presents
A penny saved is....... Not much
Two is company, three's....... The Musketeers
None are so blind as....... Helen Keller
Children should be seen and not....... Spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed....... Get new batteries
You get out of something what you....... See pictured on the box
When the blind lead the blind....... Get out of the way
There is no fool like....... Aunt Edie
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you.
Cry and....... you have to blow your nose.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
In the USA, there are more Chinese restaurants than all the McDonald’s, KFCs, Burger Kings and Wendy’s put together.
More here -
http://www.short-funny.com/fun-facts.php
More here -
http://www.short-funny.com/fun-facts.php
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
An ode to old age
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart
Old Age Jokes
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart
Old Age Jokes
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
One thing every parent needs? A little humor in your day. Especially when you’re having one of “those days”. Parenting as many would agree is the toughest job out there. And while it can be frustrating, fun, fascinating and filled with challenges, it can also be downright hilarious.
If you happen to be having one of “those days” or just need a good chuckle, check out these 20 funny, sweet, and sometimes sarcastic quotes about being a parent, a kid and a mom.
1. “The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.”—Clarence Day
2. “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out. —Erma Bombeck
3. “It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner.” —Ben Bergor
4. “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found…” —Calvin Trillin
5. “Having one child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.” —David Frost
6. “If you’ve never been hated by a child, you’ve never been a parent.” —Bette Davis
7. “I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.” —Dave Barry
20 Funny, Fabulous & Famous Quotes About Being a Parent
If you happen to be having one of “those days” or just need a good chuckle, check out these 20 funny, sweet, and sometimes sarcastic quotes about being a parent, a kid and a mom.
1. “The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.”—Clarence Day
2. “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out. —Erma Bombeck
3. “It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner.” —Ben Bergor
4. “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found…” —Calvin Trillin
5. “Having one child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.” —David Frost
6. “If you’ve never been hated by a child, you’ve never been a parent.” —Bette Davis
7. “I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.” —Dave Barry
20 Funny, Fabulous & Famous Quotes About Being a Parent
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Funny dictionary -
Abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Abnormal : anyone or anything that differs from my idea of "average."
Abort : To correct a misconception. -Dave Krieger
Absentee: a missing golfing accessory.
Absurdity: a statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with my own opinion
Accountant : One who tells you approximately how much you are worth and exactly what you owe them.
Accrue: people who work on a ship.
Achievement : 1) The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. -Ambrose Bierce 2) The end of doing and the beginning of bragging.
Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. - Ambrose Bierce
Acre: literally means the amount of land plowable in one day. In my case it would be four feet by four feet.
Ad infinitum: Latin for forever, without limit, indefinitely - as in how long the lawyer intends to keep billing you.
Adamant: the very first insect.
Admiration: our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.- Ambrose Bierce
Adolescence : A time in a kid's life when parents become dificult. - Ryan O'Neal
Adolescent : A teen who acts like a baby if you don't treat them like an adult.
Adorable: what you ring when you go visiting.
Much more here -
Funny Dictionary
Abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Abnormal : anyone or anything that differs from my idea of "average."
Abort : To correct a misconception. -Dave Krieger
Absentee: a missing golfing accessory.
Absurdity: a statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with my own opinion
Accountant : One who tells you approximately how much you are worth and exactly what you owe them.
Accrue: people who work on a ship.
Achievement : 1) The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. -Ambrose Bierce 2) The end of doing and the beginning of bragging.
Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. - Ambrose Bierce
Acre: literally means the amount of land plowable in one day. In my case it would be four feet by four feet.
Ad infinitum: Latin for forever, without limit, indefinitely - as in how long the lawyer intends to keep billing you.
Adamant: the very first insect.
Admiration: our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.- Ambrose Bierce
Adolescence : A time in a kid's life when parents become dificult. - Ryan O'Neal
Adolescent : A teen who acts like a baby if you don't treat them like an adult.
Adorable: what you ring when you go visiting.
Much more here -
Funny Dictionary
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Funny misspelled words -
While working for a security firm, Dennis Spradling was given written orders stating, "You are not allowed to except any bribes." [accept]
Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river. [dams]
Grace Varney's voice broke with emotion as she clutched her toe-headed daughter as her son clung to her side. [tow-headed]
Full coarse meals. [course]
Every morning my father takes exercises to strengthen his abominable muscles. [abdominal]
During peek season the beach is covered with hundreds of bikini-clad beauties. [peak]
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. [pistil]
Many people believe he was a Satin worshipper. [Satan]
In Pittsburgh they manufacture iron and steal. [steel]
Carats, two for 39 cents. [carrots]
My uncle suffers from sick as hell anemia. [sickle-cell]
They gave William IV a lovely funeral. It took six men to carry the beer. [bier]
Laughing Stock - alphaDictionary * Language Fun and Games
While working for a security firm, Dennis Spradling was given written orders stating, "You are not allowed to except any bribes." [accept]
Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river. [dams]
Grace Varney's voice broke with emotion as she clutched her toe-headed daughter as her son clung to her side. [tow-headed]
Full coarse meals. [course]
Every morning my father takes exercises to strengthen his abominable muscles. [abdominal]
During peek season the beach is covered with hundreds of bikini-clad beauties. [peak]
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. [pistil]
Many people believe he was a Satin worshipper. [Satan]
In Pittsburgh they manufacture iron and steal. [steel]
Carats, two for 39 cents. [carrots]
My uncle suffers from sick as hell anemia. [sickle-cell]
They gave William IV a lovely funeral. It took six men to carry the beer. [bier]
Laughing Stock - alphaDictionary * Language Fun and Games
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Tell These Rules to Your Dog at Christmas Time
Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how dogs look with fake antlers. Crazy.
More fun stuff here -
Funny Christmas Dog Pictures Stories Jokes
Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how dogs look with fake antlers. Crazy.
More fun stuff here -
Funny Christmas Dog Pictures Stories Jokes
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
Psychologists and Psychiatrists Jokes at WorkJoke.com - Profession Jokes
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
Psychologists and Psychiatrists Jokes at WorkJoke.com - Profession Jokes
Last edited:
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"
The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"
The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
The Sunday School lesson for the first graders was on the plan of
salvation. The teacher asked, "If I sold my house and my car, had
a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I
get into heaven?"
"No!" all the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept
everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "No!"
"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"
One boy confidently answered, "You've gotta be dead!"
Humorous short stories and funny jokes | Inspire 21
salvation. The teacher asked, "If I sold my house and my car, had
a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I
get into heaven?"
"No!" all the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept
everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "No!"
"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"
One boy confidently answered, "You've gotta be dead!"
Humorous short stories and funny jokes | Inspire 21
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
"SMARTNESS QUIZ"
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in
an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer:
Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the
refrigerator.
Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions
of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all of the
animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer:
The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.
Okay... even if you did not answer the first three questions
correctly, you still have one more chance to show your ability.
4. There is a river that you must cross. But, it is inhabited
by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer:
You swim across. All of the Crocodiles are attending the
Animal Meeting!
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But, many
preschoolers they tested got several correct answers. Anderson
Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most
professionals have the brains of a four year old.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in
an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer:
Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the
refrigerator.
Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions
of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all of the
animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer:
The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.
Okay... even if you did not answer the first three questions
correctly, you still have one more chance to show your ability.
4. There is a river that you must cross. But, it is inhabited
by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer:
You swim across. All of the Crocodiles are attending the
Animal Meeting!
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But, many
preschoolers they tested got several correct answers. Anderson
Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most
professionals have the brains of a four year old.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Why Men Are Happier
Men can play with toys all their life.
Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.
Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.
Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.
Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.
Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.
Chocolate is just another snack.
The whole garage belongs to them.
Weddings take care of themselves.
Men's last name never changes.
Everything on a man's face stays its original color.
Men only have to shave their faces and necks.
Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.
Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.
For men, wrinkles add character.
Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.
Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.
Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.
Men have one mood all the time.
A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks
Men can open all their own jars.
Men can play with toys all their life.
Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.
Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.
Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.
Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.
Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.
Chocolate is just another snack.
The whole garage belongs to them.
Weddings take care of themselves.
Men's last name never changes.
Everything on a man's face stays its original color.
Men only have to shave their faces and necks.
Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.
Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.
For men, wrinkles add character.
Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.
Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.
Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.
Men have one mood all the time.
A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks
Men can open all their own jars.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Funny Warning Labels
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.'
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)
On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)
For a few more, click here -
Funny Warning Labels
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.'
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)
On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)
For a few more, click here -
Funny Warning Labels
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Computer Proverbs
Computer Proverbs - Milpitas Mom's Favorite Jokes
Enjoy!
- Home is where you hang your @.
- The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
- Great groups from little icons grow.
- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
- In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
- Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
- Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
- The modem is the message.
- Too many clicks spoil the browse.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
Computer Proverbs - Milpitas Mom's Favorite Jokes
Enjoy!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
English To Confuse Foreign Learners
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
Click here for more -
Joke - English To Confuse Foreign Learners | theVoiceofReason.co.uk
Plus the jokes menu at top!
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
Click here for more -
Joke - English To Confuse Foreign Learners | theVoiceofReason.co.uk
Plus the jokes menu at top!