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Looking for a few laughs?

Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts:
  • "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."


  • "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."


  • "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."


  • "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."


  • "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."


  • "The patient refused an autopsy."


  • "The patient has no past history of suicides."


  • "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."


  • "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."


  • "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."


  • "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."


  • "She is numb from her toes down."


  • "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."


  • "The skin was moist and dry."
Loads more at this site -

Things People Said

:)
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
682bf70e-he-s-not-dumping-he-s-pouring-big-difference.jpg
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
Parenting quotes:

Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.

-Author Unknown

Teenagers complain there's nothing to do, then stay out all night doing it.

-Bob Phillips
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
English is not an easy language. Something that's close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.

Signs and Notices:
  • "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -- A sign in a Swiss hotel.


  • "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -- A sign in a laundry in Rome.


  • "Members and non-members only." -- A sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.


  • "Shower of Happiness. Total Safety Guaranteed." -- A label on an electric shower (to heat cold water) in Thailand.


  • "Do not spit here and there." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.


  • "Commit No Nuisance." -- A sign in Calcutta, India.


  • "Dresses for streetwalkers." -- A junk mail ad in Germany.


  • "Don't get into this." -- A sign in Japan with the universal "do not enter" symbol.


  • "We are thinking that 'How to management' is more important than 'What for sell'. we want to realize that is 'It's well that!' that is our opinion." -- On the cover of a photo shop's envelopes for newly developed film.


  • "ParkinginwrongPlaces Will Makeyou accountalbetoLaw Apartfrom being atresPassingontheRight oftheCitizenandthestate." -- A sign in Luxor, Egypt.


  • "Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." -- A sign in a Spanish hotel.


  • "Warning: Do not leave it in this place which may have a high temperature such as the car closed." -- Instructions for a CD adapter for a car's tape player.


  • "SOTP" -- A sign near a road crossing in Milan.


  • "Warning! Difficult to swim out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists." -- On the label of a pair of chest waders manufactured in Taiwan.


  • "Please leave your values at the front desk." -- A sign in a Paris hotel.


  • "Let's skiing." -- A sign in a ski chalet in Nagano, Japan.


  • "Child be a public servant. The best balance of music and technology within a vaguely." -- Written on a T-shirt for sale in a market in Hong Kong.


  • "Dah Wong Path." -- A sign for a park path in Hong Kong.


  • "Caution Water On Road During Rain" -- A sign in Malaysia.


  • "Refund!" -- "Caution," as translated into Italian on a "wet floor" sign in an Italian McDonald's.


  • "Please to bathe inside the tub." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel room.


  • "Our staffs are always here waiting for you to patronize them." -- From an advertisement for a hotel in Tokyo.


  • "This shop has been moved to the present place for 35 years." -- From an advertisement for an antique shop in Tokyo.


  • "Colorful dining space surrounded by stained glasses." -- From an advertisement for a restaurant in Tokyo.


  • To everyone of the use, Laundromat.
    Many people use a Laundromat. Let's comply with the next item to use it for the cleanness safety.
    1. Let's read the explanation of the way of using it well, and use the washing machine, the dryness machine properly.
    2. Let's wash a hand well before and after a wash.
    3. Don't wash the person who get's an epidemic, and clothes which contacted with the person.
    4. Don't wash a diaper which urine stuck to, sports shoes, an animal's rug because an unpleasantness is given to the person handled later and it is un-sanitation.
    5. Let's bring it back after you spread the wash from the dryness machine and a state is done.
    6. Please ask a satellite control person in charge for the inquiry about the establishment, the contact of in case of emergency.
    -- Instructions on the wall of the laundry room in a hotel in Tokyo.


  • "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday." -- A sign in a Moscow hotel across the street from a Russian Orthodox monastery.


  • "Please waste." -- Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.


  • "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel.


  • "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Yugoslavian hotel.


  • "Specialist in women and other diseases." -- A sign outside of Roman doctor's office.


  • "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." -- A sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room.


  • "Is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis." -- A sign in a Tokyo hotel.
Enjoy!

:)
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

More here -

Psychologists and Psychiatrists Jokes at WorkJoke.com - Profession Jokes
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
A general noticed one of his privates was behaving oddly. He'd pick up a piece of paper and say, "No, no, that's not it!" After some weeks he was seen by the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist concluded the private was deranged and wrote his discharge from the army. The private picked it up and said, "Yes, that's it!"
 
Geoff-Allen

Geoff-Allen

Resident megalomaniac
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Counterpoint Article Library - Humor & Inspiration

:)
 
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