"No politician in history, and I say this with great surety, has been treated worse or more unfairly"
Donald Trump
I think this is so funny on several levels
Donald Trump
I think this is so funny on several levels
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Looking for a few laughs?
- Thread starter Geoff-Allen
- Start date
Bob the Unbeliever
Well-Known Member
Yep. He ignores all the former presidents who were assassinated in office.
He also ignores all the politicians the world over, who were imprisoned by their opponents-- sometimes for decades at a time.
We can only hope that trumpGrabEm can personally experience the second one fairly soon.
As for the first? Well I would have a hard time wishing death even on one such as trumpnazi...
.... BUT....
... should that happen? I *would* hoist a celebratory glass over what could be termed the "blessed event"....
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."
Check-out this site -
Clean Jokes About Mothers, Fathers and Children
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."
Check-out this site -
Clean Jokes About Mothers, Fathers and Children
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
The Fiance
After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.
"What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"
"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.
The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."
After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.
"What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"
"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.
The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Russ, a deeply suspicious husband, hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's affairs.
A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, Russ saw his wife meeting another man. He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. Russ viewed them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He then watched them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. Russ saw them having fun and continually laughing together.
'I just can't believe this,' spluttered the distraught Russ.
'What's not to believe?' the detective responded. 'It's right up there on the screen.'
'I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun.' Russ replies grimly.
More jokes here -
Funny Relationship Jokes and Marriage Jokes | funny men and women
Enjoy!
A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, Russ saw his wife meeting another man. He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. Russ viewed them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He then watched them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. Russ saw them having fun and continually laughing together.
'I just can't believe this,' spluttered the distraught Russ.
'What's not to believe?' the detective responded. 'It's right up there on the screen.'
'I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun.' Russ replies grimly.
More jokes here -
Funny Relationship Jokes and Marriage Jokes | funny men and women
Enjoy!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Speaking of marriage ... here's a few cartoons -
Love and Marriage Cartoons - Randy Glasbergen - Glasbergen Cartoon Service
Love and Marriage Cartoons - Randy Glasbergen - Glasbergen Cartoon Service
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
You know you've been spending too much time on-line if...
Computer Jokes Set 8
Enjoy!
- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
- You start using smileys in your snail mail.
- You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
- You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
- You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
- You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
- You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
- You start tilting your head sideways to smile
Computer Jokes Set 8
Enjoy!
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing...
... about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
... about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
No wonder English is so difficult to learn , , , ,
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the birthday present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
The seamstress and the sewer fell into the sewer.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
For more laughs try clicking here -
our first page of jokes
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the birthday present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
The seamstress and the sewer fell into the sewer.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
For more laughs try clicking here -
our first page of jokes
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Many years ago in Manchester i walked past a church with a prominent sign. The sign read,
God saves fallen women
Underneath someone had written in marker pen
Ask him to save one for me.
God saves fallen women
Underneath someone had written in marker pen
Ask him to save one for me.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
From Homer Simpson -
Children are our future. Unless we stop them now.
I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."
Vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.
How is education going to make me smarter?
Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
Dribbleglass.com--Wit and Wisdom of Homer Simpson
Children are our future. Unless we stop them now.
I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."
Vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.
How is education going to make me smarter?
Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
Dribbleglass.com--Wit and Wisdom of Homer Simpson
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Quotes about sex
"A really hard laugh is like sex—one of the ultimate diversions of existence." (Jerry Seinfeld)
"If sex isn't a joke, what is?" (Nella Larsen)
"I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax." (Scott Roeben)
"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." (Anonymous)
Dribbleglass.com--Quotes About Sex
"A really hard laugh is like sex—one of the ultimate diversions of existence." (Jerry Seinfeld)
"If sex isn't a joke, what is?" (Nella Larsen)
"I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax." (Scott Roeben)
"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." (Anonymous)
Dribbleglass.com--Quotes About Sex
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)
More here -
The Best Humor Quotes - 1 to 10
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)
More here -
The Best Humor Quotes - 1 to 10
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
15 THINGS TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU'RE INSANE!!
1. Follow them around the house everywhere.
2. Moo when they say your name.
3. Run into walls.
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine.
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA".
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I'm a retard".
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"
10. Do what they actually tell you.
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly.
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.
13. At everything they say yell, Liar.
14. Try to swim in the floor.
15. Tap on their door all night.
1. Follow them around the house everywhere.
2. Moo when they say your name.
3. Run into walls.
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine.
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA".
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I'm a retard".
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"
10. Do what they actually tell you.
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly.
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.
13. At everything they say yell, Liar.
14. Try to swim in the floor.
15. Tap on their door all night.
Geoff-Allen
Resident megalomaniac
Funny quotes and poems about having kids -
https://www.parenthub.com.au/kids/raising-children/funny-quotes-poems-kids/
https://www.parenthub.com.au/kids/raising-children/funny-quotes-poems-kids/