At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
What are you doing in a glass container anyway?
In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
He's even worse!
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.--Sisters of Mercy"
Trespassers don't get mercy from us!
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."
And we haven't gotten that stain out yet!
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
Dirty dancing on Sunday!
In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."
And no sick people in the Intensive Care Unit either!
In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."
Who needs accuracy anyway?
In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
Give us the deed to your house right now!
In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
We don't want mentally healthy people walking around!
On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
Yeah, those Episcopalians will make you sick and tired of them.
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.."
Low workmanship means low prices!
At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
Authorized personnel aren't allowed in here.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."
One for your wife, and one for each of your mistresses.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
Deadly washing machine! Comes with instructions and foolproof alibi.
In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."
Bring Aunt Edna in now while a funeral's still cheap, wait around for the big day, and then count the savings!
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
Men with only one neck have to pay full price.
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
After an hour, they fall apart?
On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
Kill two birds with one stone!
Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
We pay little for it and call it junk, but when we sell it we charge a lot and call it an antique!
In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
We'll cheat you just as well as they can!
In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."
So we're open 9 days a week!
On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."
Even better than our bathroom!
In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
Of course "perpetual" is a loose term.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
Stop picking flowers and get back in your grave!
On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."
We never got around to making those last few adjustments.
In a Laundromat in London:
Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
I can't. It's too dark in here with the light out.
In a London department store in London:
Bargain Basement Upstairs
As opposed to the bargain attic downstairs.
In an office in London:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Next thing you know, the whole staircase will be taken too!
In another office in London:
After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
Think of it as a "team-building" exercise.
On a church door in London:
This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
In a cost-cutting measure, St. Peter was fired.
Outside a second hand shop in London:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
That's certainly a fine wife. Will you trade her for these golf clubs?
Quicksand warning in London:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
Also by order of the District Council, any person jaywalking will be hit by a car.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window in London:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
Pick them up or die!
In a health food shop window in London:
Closed due to illness.
I knew that the whole health food fad was a bunch of bunk.
Spotted in a safari park in London:
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
But the goats are allowed out of their cars.
Seen during a conference in London:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
And free paternity and maternity DNA tests on the second floor.
Notice in a field in London:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
Message on a leaflet in London:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
And if you don't know how to write, mail me a letter. And if you don't know how to drive, drive down to the driving school.
On a repair shop door in London:
We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
Well, anything except the doorbell.
Loads more gags here -
Welcome to Jim's Joke Repository
Enjoy!
