Masking and autism

[The Sum of Awe]

Something that I often think of when I have similar thoughts of deciding "should I mask this?" vs "should I express this?" is the saying "Be who you want to be"

I often got that mixed up with another saying that is often thrown around "Be yourself". The difference is, being who I want to be is more adaptable and being myself is being shameless about everything. If I be who I want to be, I am being myself to a degree, but I choose to shape some areas of myself for a better social image. - I'm not saying anyone has to do this, in fact for many "Being who I want to be" and "Being myself" are one and the same.

But being who I want to be, I can still express what I want to express but I'm also free to not express what I don't feel comfortable expressing. Like @JustGeorge said, someone will always not agree with you for something, but if you see nothing wrong with your actions that's all that matters.

 

[VoidCat]

I did Autistic Arms – Autistic Emmalyn

Heres a picture of my trex arms(in spoiler cuz cuss word on my shirt)

Spoiler: Trex arms

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I don't know. I can make eye contact. I generally dislike to, unless I'm comfortable with the person, and even then, if I'm talking about something emotional, not so much. I tend to look off, look out the window, towards objects on the floor(keeping my head up, so they can hear me).

Understandable. Talking about emotional subjects can feel awkward, but are necessary sometimes.

 

[Subduction Zone]

I try my hardest to stop masking. That's what I do. Problem is I have cptsd. Sometimes unmasking causes flashbacks as does masking.

And I do not know what to say. I am far from being a mental health expert. Do you have a therapist? If so what recommendations do they make?

 

[VoidCat]

And I do not know what to say. I am far from being a mental health expert. Do you have a therapist? If so what recommendations do they make?

I have a group therapist looking for an individual one. Haven't really made many suggestions that could help. But I know how to deal with flashbacks and seem to be doing alright.

 

[Jainarayan]

This thread OP provoked me to try to understand what is meant by masking. I found this: Understanding Autism Masking and Its Consequences

Yep. that's exactly what it is. It's hiding who and what you are, putting on a face and behaviors that are not your own. This is so you fit in.

But obviously it's MUCH MUCH worse for those with autism.

You have no idea! It's exhausting. I am HFA: High Functioning Autistic (for the most part). I don't know how much of my HFA is masking or my brain working in its own way. If you don't mask, you open yourself up to all kinds of reactions ranging from sympathy and pity to mockery to stupid questions and comments.

I force eye contact. I pretend, when I'm looking away, that I am searching for my next deep words of wisdom. Then I look at the person when I'm satisfied I have convinced them I have sage words. I pretend that I have empathy or sympathy for someone when they tell me something sad. I rarely feel it, but the proper thing to do is to at least fake it. Yet I cry real tears at ASPCA commercials and seeing injured or abused animals. I really don't like people as much as I pretend to. It's not that I'm a horrible person .. I will help people as much as I can, I just don't feel a lot of things and have to fake it. If not, I can come off as horrible and cold.

If I withdraw, please do not poke the bear. What appears to be an immature temper tantrum is actually an autistic meltdown. It's not that we throw a tantrum to get our way, like a toddler throwing himself on the floor to get a piece of candy. It's that the situation is so overwhelming we don't know how to handle it or react to it. This is a dangerous time for me, because I might hurt myself, and that includes a knife, rather than hurt someone else. Because of other people's reactions, this is when I withdraw. Better that I look like I'm in a snit than throwing a temper tantrum.

 

[Jainarayan]

Ah but sometimes hiding autism prevents you from being able to prevent a meltdown.

I don't think I've ever been able to prevent a meltdown. I can mask that too by claiming I'm in a lot of pain (I have a lumbar fusion) and withdrawing until it passes. I was once in a meltdown for what reason I don't know, during a department holiday luncheon. I stayed at my desk, citing a pain episode. It garnered me sympathy and understanding. I'm sure you know we can also manipulate.

 

[VoidCat]

I don't think I've ever been able to prevent a meltdown. I can mask that too by claiming I'm in a lot of pain (I have a lumbar fusion) and withdrawing until it passes. I was once in a meltdown for what reason I don't know, during a department holiday luncheon. I stayed at my desk, citing a pain episode. It garnered me sympathy and understanding. I'm sure you know we can also manipulate.

I've found it almost impossible. Only way I've been able to stop one is temporarily shutting it down and even then I have to go somewhere by myself then I have the meltdown. I can't stop from having one completely and i will have it but sometimes I can delay one or turn it into a shutdown rather then a meltdown.

 

[VoidCat]

@Jainarayan i just saw what youve quoted. How i prevent one is I figure out my triggers and i do what i can to stop them. For example: Loud noises? Headphones work.

 

[Jainarayan]

I've found it almost impossible. Only way I've been able to stop one is temporarily shutting it down and even then I have to go somewhere by myself then I have the meltdown. I can't stop from having one completely and i will have it but sometimes I can delay one or turn it into a shutdown rather then a meltdown.

Exactly! I have to go into a cave, and if it happens in there it happens. And the Gods help anyone who pokes the bear. Hearing "Are you OK?" or "Take a deep breath" or "Cowboy up!" is not going to help. That's pouring gasoline on a fire.

 

[Jainarayan]

@Jainarayan i just saw what youve quoted. How i prevent one is I figure out my triggers and i do what i can to stop them. For example: Loud noises? Headphones work.

Yes! I use foam ear plugs. Because let's not discuss (or maybe we should discuss ) noises ... leaf blowers, lawn mowers, running water from the faucet or a washing machine filling, cartoons. I realized that cartoons set me off because the music and dialogue has to be continuous to keep children engaged. Any similar noises will trigger me. So yeah, I buy foam earplugs by the container.

 

[VoidCat]

Yes! I use foam ear plugs. Because let's not discuss (or maybe we should discuss ) noises ... leaf blowers, lawn mowers, running water from the faucet or a washing machine filling, cartoons. I realized that cartoons set me off because the music and dialogue has to be continuous to keep children engaged. Any similar noises will trigger me. So yeah, I buy foam earplugs by the container.

I hear so much I can hear electricity.

But yeah that's how you deal with meltdowns. Prevent them by doing what you can to avoid triggers and cope with the disability. Problem is masking prevents you from doing stuff that can help you cope with problems thus help you prevent from having a meltdown. And masking also can contribute to meltdowns by causing exhaustion and pain and such making a meltdown more likely.

 

[Watchmen]

You interpret this as “masking”. Isn’t it really just a demonstration of self control? Restraint? Discipline?

These are strengths, you know. Controlling one’s emotions is not always easy.

How familiar are you with autism? I’m guessing very little.

 

[Jainarayan]

You interpret this as “masking”. Isn’t it really just a demonstration of self control? Restraint? Discipline?

These are strengths, you know. Controlling one’s emotions is not always easy.

No, this is completely different. Self-control, self-restraint is, as you mentioned, controlling emotions. Autism and masking is not a matter of emotions. Its a matter of behaving, thinking and speaking in a way different from neurotypicals, and appearing to be neurotypical. For example, manner of speaking, use of non-standard syntax and grammar, vocabulary, arcane references. When I incorporate lines from books or movies or songs into my regular speech it doesn't mean I'm cultured or well-read (though I am ), it's a hallmark of autism. And it makes me seem "weird". It's what people would consider nerdy. Autistics can be nerdy, and nerds can be autistic, but they're not always hand-in-hand.

 

[sun rise]

Reading the comments in this thread reminded me of someone I used to work with. He was a dynamite programmer but we learned to leave him alone. What we identified as odd at the time I now see as very likely someone on the spectrum that was high functioning and protected himself by adopting an "anti-social" mask.

 

[Brian2]

Im tagging @Shadow Wolf cuz she might get it.

Im think about some the worse things regarding hiding autism from folk. And i think one thing is hiding joy. Cuz once you get excited about something once you get happy and you want to tell someone then you know you about to do something "wrong" you'll express that joy in ways that are abnormal. I for one now that I stopped masking will handflap when excited and jump up and down. I've heard from folk that are accepting of autism that it's kinda adorable I don't know if it is. But that sort of thing is seen as pathological by some folk. And sometimes when you talk of a topic you passionate about it gets pathologize. You get told to stop talking about it cuz it's annoying and you get told that it's abnormal to be as passionate about said topic as much as you are. You get your passions downplayed. Another thing is autistic have a hard time controlling tone. And I all the time would get told in the past to stop talking solely because it was too loud or that my voice which can get singsongy (another symptom of autism) is annoying.

I just thought I'd share this. It seems strange how we look at joy in those with autism and say no that don't confirm that is a bad thing.

When I was in primary school a neighbour, a friend, used to have a singsongy voice at times and used to jump up and down and clap his hands when excited. I knew it was different sort of behaviour but did not know why he was different. I guess he could have had autism.
Normal is of course how most people act and others no doubt try to fit that mould so as not to feel out and so end up reinforcing what normal behaviour is and end up leaving those who cannot conform sticking out more from the crowd.
These days there is more understanding about differences but I think we still would have a long way to go in that area.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

I'm 38 now, and I know no one who masks better than me. Interestingly enough, if you become to good at it, people don't like that, either. "Open up a bit! Smile! Why don't enjoy yourself?"

Yup. Ultimately, one way or another you just can't do it right. People say you're annoying one way, try it another and you're called "anti-social."
It would be great if people didn't expect kids to act all uniformly alike.

 

[JustGeorge]

Yup. Ultimately, one way or another you just can't do it right. People say you're annoying one way, try it another and you're called "anti-social."
It would be great if people didn't expect kids to act all uniformly alike.

I say just let everyone be themselves, so long as they're not injuring people or busting out windows(or engaging in other equally problematic antics).

 

[Shadow Wolf]

I say just let everyone be themselves, so long as they're not injuring people or busting out windows(or engaging in other equally problematic antics).

Yup. Most of the time it's bothering observers far more than the person doing whatever, who probably isn't even being harmed to begin with. Truly, autism it seems is on a similar social path as left handedness. That too was bad, recently enough that our parents and grandparents had it crudely covered up. But today it's widely regarded that only jerks care about it and autism does seem to be heading in that direction.

 

[VoidCat]

Imagine this. You are in a classroom. Something catches your attention and you do something in response to that cuz its enjoyable. Like something sensory. Maybe you are crumbling up paper cuz it's enjoyable the sound. Or maybe there's a nice texture on the wall you noticed so you start touching it. Maybe in both instances you handflap, squeak maybe, or basically you just dont respond in ways that are normal. You may lose yourself in these behaviors. Then you look up and you see the adults around you just give you this horrified look. A look of this one isnt normal something is not right. Maybe the adults try to give an explanation for the behavior that assumes bad intent. Like oh you just trying to disturb the class, stop acting like that. That is typical. And this dont happen one time. This happens over and over and over again. And its not like just this one adult but different ones. You just doing something out the norm and responding in ways not typical and feeling so much joy. But then recieving a look from people of: This isn't right.
And so you learn to mask


Can anyone else here relate?