My thoughts about marriage

[loverofhumanity]

My marriage is an interracial one and we have been together now for 44 years. Everyday numerous times I thank God for the honor and privilege of being in the company of such a humble and noble person. She doesn’t lie, cheat or steal and never wants presents or gifts and loves to help the poor. She doesn’t like being praised which I am often prompted to do. She treats me with respect, dignity and courtesy and she was born in a Baha’i village and is so sweet and simple that I love her more everyday and every minute. She supports me when I study and with Baha’i activities. She even prays everyday for all the people in the world so that includes all of you here. And I wasn’t looking for a wife. I visited Burma in 1978 on a 7 day visa and I met her at the Baha’i centre there. Our hearts became close in that time and after 3 months in India I returned and we got married. Then it took 9 months to get her out of the country. Undoubtedly she is a precious gift from God that I am so, so grateful for just to be with her.

I wish all of you here on RF that your lives will be filled with joy.

 

[Trailblazer]

My marriage is an interracial one and we have been together now for 44 years. Everyday numerous times I thank God for the honor and privilege of being in the company of such a humble and noble person. She doesn’t lie, cheat or steal and never wants presents or gifts and loves to help the poor. She doesn’t like being praised which I am often prompted to do. She treats me with respect, dignity and courtesy and she was born in a Baha’i village and is so sweet and simple that I love her more everyday and every minute. She supports me when I study and with Baha’i activities. She even prays everyday for all the people in the world so that includes all of you here. And I wasn’t looking for a wife. I visited Burma in 1978 on a 7 day visa and I met her at the Baha’i centre there. Our hearts became close in that time and after 3 months in India I returned and we got married. Then it took 9 months to get her out of the country. Undoubtedly she is a precious gift from God that I am so, so grateful for just to be with her.

I wish all of you here on RF and your lives will be filled with joy.

Some people are just fortunate to find the right life partner to share their lives with. I think it is fate more than anything else.

I was not looking for a husband back in 1985 but my late husband was looking for a wife and he found me through my sister and mother, who were both Baha'is in his community in southern California. That was when I was living in northern California. Three weeks later we were married.

I feel the same way about my late husband's character. He had a lot of psychological problems especially during the last few years of his life, but I do not blame him for that. He lost the will to live and that hastened his demise because when he got cancer he was grossly underweight and too weak to fight it, and even though he had a chance for treatment he did not want to fight it so there was nothing I or the doctors could do. He never really wanted to be in the material world and we had that in common. I hope he is better off in the Abha Kingdom because that is where he wanted to be for many years. He did not care that he left me here alone, and I have forgiven him for that.

If I marry again I want to find someone who has his good qualities but has a will to live and be happy, even enjoying some of the good things this world has to offer. Most of the last 20 years has been utter misery and it is a miracle I did not lose my faith in God.

 

[loverofhumanity]

Some people are just fortunate to find the right life partner to share their lives with. I think it is fate more than anything else.

I was not looking for a husband back in 1985 but my late husband was looking for a wife and he found me through my sister and mother, who were both Baha'is in his community in southern California. That was when I was living in northern California. Three weeks later we were married.

I feel the same way about my late husband's character. He had a lot of psychological problems especially during the last few years of his life, but I do not blame him for that. He lost the will to live and that hastened his demise because when he got cancer he was grossly underweight and too weak to fight it, and even though he had a chance for treatment he did not want to fight it so there was nothing I or the doctors could do. He never really wanted to be in the material world and we had that in common. I hope he is better off in the Abha Kingdom because that is where he wanted to be for many years. He did not care that he left me here alone, and I have forgiven him for that.

If I marry again I want to find someone who has his good qualities but has a will to live and be happy, even enjoying some of the good things this world has to offer. Most of the last 20 years has been utter misery and it is a miracle I did not lose my faith in God.

You’ve got to enjoy the good things in life. They were given to us by God to enjoy. I lived a long time depressed but when I came out of it I just feel grateful everyday every minute for everything. A good coffee. A piece of bread. Good company. The tide turned for me when I experienced an ordeal which I could not bear. I thought I would never recover. Then one day I was able to see it from a different perspective and realised that I could accept it as being immature and human weakness and once that happened I began experiencing joy, contentment and prolonged inner peace daily for years afterwards. Actually, I’m glad I went through that ‘storm’ otherwise I doubt I could be experiencing so much detachment and inner peace now.


Then it is impossible to attain happiness without suffering?' ‘Abdu’l-Bahá. -- 'To attain eternal happiness one must suffer. He who has reached the state of self-sacrifice has true joy. Temporal joy will vanish.'

‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 178

Note that there is an end to suffering so I would not be asking why did God create suffering because it ends in happiness sooner or later. But at those times we feel as if it is never ending then we question God. But truly it is not endless suffering, only for a time. But it can seem endless and purposeless yet from personal experience I know it’s not. It is really a gift to help us toughen up and not be so frail and fragile but strong and emotionally stable.

 

[Truthseeker]

The only reason I would want to be married would be to have a companion, someone to talk to about God and spiritual things, someone to turn to for emotional support, and someone to share in the activities of everyday life, including fun things but also household duties.

If I was single, you would be the person I would want to marry. I do some of the things above now, but I don't share in the activities of everyday life with you. i'm not good at living alone.

 

[Truthseeker]

I was not looking for a man at all, let alone to get married.

At Planet Baha'i, I was not looking for a close friend, just a discussion on ideas, mostly spiritual ideas, and then you came along. You were honest and straightforward about yourself, including your flaws, and I found that attractive. That's the way it should be, to see something of God in a person, and be attracted to that.

 

[Truthseeker]

My marriage is an interracial one and we have been together now for 44 years. Everyday numerous times I thank God for the honor and privilege of being in the company of such a humble and noble person. She doesn’t lie, cheat or steal and never wants presents or gifts and loves to help the poor. She doesn’t like being praised which I am often prompted to do. She treats me with respect, dignity and courtesy and she was born in a Baha’i village and is so sweet and simple that I love her more everyday and every minute. She supports me when I study and with Baha’i activities. She even prays everyday for all the people in the world so that includes all of you here. And I wasn’t looking for a wife. I visited Burma in 1978 on a 7 day visa and I met her at the Baha’i centre there. Our hearts became close in that time and after 3 months in India I returned and we got married. Then it took 9 months to get her out of the country. Undoubtedly she is a precious gift from God that I am so, so grateful for just to be with her.

I wish all of you here on RF that your lives will be filled with joy.

It's apparent that she has influenced you to be a better person.

 

[Trailblazer]

Note that there is an end to suffering so I would not be asking why did God create suffering because it ends in happiness sooner or later. But at those times we feel as if it is never ending then we question God. But truly it is not endless suffering, only for a time. But it can seem endless and purposeless yet from personal experience I know it’s not. It is really a gift to help us toughen up and not be so frail and fragile but strong and emotionally stable.

With all due respect, I want to point out what you just said, because it is important to point out.
You said that suffering ends in happiness sooner or later and that it is not endless suffering, only for a time.
You said that suffering can seem endless and purposeless yet from personal experience you know it’s not.

The problem with your statements is that they are true for you, and maybe they are true for some other people, but they are not true for all people. Sometimes suffering does not end in happiness, it just continues on and on and people learn to live with the suffering, and sometimes people cannot take the suffering anymore so they commit suicide.

“O thou seeker of the Kingdom! Thy letter was received. Thou hast written of the severe calamity that hath befallen thee—the death of thy respected husband. That honourable man hath been so subjected to the stress and strain of this world that his greatest wish was for deliverance from it. Such is this mortal abode: a storehouse of afflictions and suffering. It is ignorance that binds man to it, for no comfort can be secured by any soul in this world, from monarch down to the most humble commoner. If once this life should offer a man a sweet cup, a hundred bitter ones will follow; such is the condition of this world. The wise man, therefore, doth not attach himself to this mortal life and doth not depend upon it; at some moments, even, he eagerly wisheth for death that he may thereby be freed from these sorrows and afflictions. Thus it is seen that some, under extreme pressure of anguish, have committed suicide.”
Selections From the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 200

So much for the religious apologetic that says "suffering is good for you." As with all scriptures, the Baha'i Writings are full of contradictions.

 

[Trailblazer]

At Planet Baha'i, I was not looking for a close friend, just a discussion on ideas, mostly spiritual ideas, and then you came along. You were honest and straightforward about yourself, including your flaws, and I found that attractive. That's the way it should be, to see something of God in a person, and be attracted to that.

That is a good point. I also saw and continue to see that in you, and hopefully I will see that in a man who I will marry.

 

[Trailblazer]

If I was single, you would be the person I would want to marry. I do some of the things above now, but I don't share in the activities of everyday life with you. i'm not good at living alone.

Thanks for those kind sentiments, but I'm not sure you would be up to the task of helping with all the cats or even want to.

I hope you never have to face living alone but like every one of us who was/is married, you will have to cross that bridge when you come to it, if you come to it. Happily married people act as if they will never face it are living in la la land.

I never thought I could handle living alone, but since I was already doing everything before Lewis passed on, the adjustment was not so great. I miss the presence of another person in the house but I do not miss all the torment I went through during the last years of his life. He did not even care enough about me to try to help himself, it was as if I did not even exist, yet I did everything to keep things going. Now I have to forgive him because I know his psychological problems were insurmountable. I did not know that then but I know it now.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

Happily married people act as if they will never face it are living in la la land.

I don't want to think about it.

My husband and I have been together for almost 31 years, and we will celebrate our 30th anniversary in the last week of January.

 

[Trailblazer]

I don't want to think about it.

My husband and I have been together for almost 31 years, and we will celebrate our 30th anniversary in the last week of January.

Congratulations, in advance.

I did not want to think about it either and that is probably why I never thought about it, but whenever the thought entered my mind, I always hoped I would be the one to go first, although that was just wishful thinking since he was 10 years older than me.

I m not suggesting that people think about it, I was only pointing out that it is the hard cold reality, but it is not as hard and cold for people who know there is a spiritual world we all go to after this and they will see their loved one again. It is the temporary separation that is so hard, but I still plan to do that communication.

 

[Truthseeker]

Thanks for those kind sentiments, but I'm not sure you would be up to the task of helping with all the cats or even want to.

Perhaps not. When Sara asked me to clean out one of the litter boxes, it was so hard on my back that I quit doing doing it after a while.

I never thought I could handle living alone, but since I was already doing everything before Lewis passed on, the adjustment was not so great.

I definitely am not doing everything now. Sara does most of that, and she has cut down quite a bit on that over he years. Now she has a outfit called Merry Maids clean the condo each month for about $100. She says she could do most of what they do, but appaently her standards of clean are so high, she feels she needs this service. I can't comprehend the standard for cleanliness that she has. In addition, her balance is not so good, so she is afraid of walking up a flight of stairs to the laundry room with a basket of clothes in her arms. We pay $51.17 a week now for a laundry service to pick up a clothes bag, and return clean clothes to us. I might have been able to help there, but there is only one laundry room for 12 condo units in our building, and since she's an early riser, like 4:30 in the morning, she does it then, while I'm a late riser. It just occured to me, that since I stay up very late these days, I might have been able to do this then. I'll talk to Sara about this.

Anyway, that is not the end of it. We have groceries delivered to us now for a fee, though the fee is less than the other two.

 

[Trailblazer]

I talked to my Italian mystery man today for several hours on the phone, so now I know more about him and his situation and he knows more about me and my situation. As a result of the conversation I don't think it could ever work out with us.

For one thing, he cannot live where I live, he has to live somewhere where the air quality is a certain way, since he has multiple chemical sensitivity (MCS). He has been living out of his vehicle for the last 30 years and he moves from place to place, depending upon weather and air quality conditions.

For another thing, he does not like the idea that I have cats because he does not think people should have dogs and cats as pets. He also thinks that he would have to compete for my affection because of the cats, no matter if it was one cat or the many cats that I have. I assured him that there is enough affection to go around, and also that cats are quite independent, but he has his ideas and they are set. As a result he has been living alone for 43 years, since he got divorced, and he will probably be living alone for the rest of his life. Even if he met a woman with not pets, he is probably not going to meet a woman who wants to live far from civilization who also shares his values and beliefs about God, like I do.

I am not terribly disappointed because I already knew he was living in a vehicle and had an issue with the cats so I was not expecting this to be a slam dunk.

I will be talking to him again, but I hold out no hope that this is a relationship that is going anywhere. He is a nice man and a good looking man, but just too eccentric for me. I mean he would rather live in a vehicle than in a nice big house, and he has convinced himself he has to live in only certain places which are very limited. Whether that is actually true or not I don't know. I cannot verify his medical condition. However, I have verified his identity so I know he is who he claimed to be rather than a con man as I have encountered so many times before.

 

[Truthseeker]

Perhaps not. When Sara asked me to clean out one of the litter boxes, it was so hard on my back that I quit doing doing it after a while.

I definitely am not doing everything now. Sara does most of that, and she has cut down quite a bit on that over he years. Now she has a outfit called Merry Maids clean the condo each month for about $100. She says she could do most of what they do, but appaently her standards of clean are so high, she feels she needs this service. I can't comprehend the standard for cleanliness that she has. In addition, her balance is not so good, so she is afraid of walking up a flight of stairs to the laundry room with a basket of clothes in her arms. We pay $51.17 a week now for a laundry service to pick up a clothes bag, and return clean clothes to us. I might have been able to help there, but there is only one laundry room for 12 condo units in our building, and since she's an early riser, like 4:30 in the morning, she does it then, while I'm a late riser. It just occured to me, that since I stay up very late these days, I might have been able to do this then. I'll talk to Sara about this.

Anyway, that is not the end of it. We have groceries delivered to us now for a fee, though the fee is less than the other two.

Update: Without going into particulars, Sara says it was more than her fear of going up the stairs to the laundry room. My idea of doing that ihe wee hours of the morning was nixed.

 

[Trailblazer]

Update: Without going into particulars, Sara says it was more than her fear of going up the stairs to the laundry room. My idea of doing that ihe wee hours of the morning was nixed.

Oddly enough, I have a fear of going downstairs to the laundry room, but that laundry room is in my own house....
I really need to get married to a handyman!

 

[loverofhumanity]

With all due respect, I want to point out what you just said, because it is important to point out.
You said that suffering ends in happiness sooner or later and that it is not endless suffering, only for a time.
You said that suffering can seem endless and purposeless yet from personal experience you know it’s not.

The problem with your statements is that they are true for you, and maybe they are true for some other people, but they are not true for all people. Sometimes suffering does not end in happiness, it just continues on and on and people learn to live with the suffering, and sometimes people cannot take the suffering anymore so they commit suicide.

“O thou seeker of the Kingdom! Thy letter was received. Thou hast written of the severe calamity that hath befallen thee—the death of thy respected husband. That honourable man hath been so subjected to the stress and strain of this world that his greatest wish was for deliverance from it. Such is this mortal abode: a storehouse of afflictions and suffering. It is ignorance that binds man to it, for no comfort can be secured by any soul in this world, from monarch down to the most humble commoner. If once this life should offer a man a sweet cup, a hundred bitter ones will follow; such is the condition of this world. The wise man, therefore, doth not attach himself to this mortal life and doth not depend upon it; at some moments, even, he eagerly wisheth for death that he may thereby be freed from these sorrows and afflictions. Thus it is seen that some, under extreme pressure of anguish, have committed suicide.”
Selections From the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 200

So much for the religious apologetic that says "suffering is good for you." As with all scriptures, the Baha'i Writings are full of contradictions.

What I meant was that eventually they will attain happiness if not in this world then the next. I didn’t mean that all people will find happiness in this world or life. I apologise for that. Yes of course the suffering of many will not end in this world. That is true.

 

[Trailblazer]

What I meant was that eventually they will attain happiness if not in this world then the next.

Yes, I know that is what you believe. That might be true for some people, but I do not believe that will be true for everyone.

 

[loverofhumanity]

Yes, I know that is what you believe. That might be true for some people, but I do not believe that will be true for everyone.

I wonder which category I’ll fall into because nothing is guaranteed.

It is clear and evident that all men shall, after their physical death, estimate the worth of their deeds, and realize all that their hands have wrought. I swear by the Day Star that shineth above the horizon of Divine power! They that are the followers of the one true God shall, the moment they depart out of this life, experience such joy and gladness as would be impossible to describe, while they that live in error shall be seized with such fear and trembling, and shall be filled with such consternation, as nothing can exceed. Well is it with him that hath quaffed the choice and incorruptible wine of faith through the gracious favor and the manifold bounties of Him Who is the Lord of all Faiths.

Bahá’u’lláh, Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh

 

[Trailblazer]

I wonder which category I’ll fall into because nothing is guaranteed.

It is clear and evident that all men shall, after their physical death, estimate the worth of their deeds, and realize all that their hands have wrought. I swear by the Day Star that shineth above the horizon of Divine power! They that are the followers of the one true God shall, the moment they depart out of this life, experience such joy and gladness as would be impossible to describe, while they that live in error shall be seized with such fear and trembling, and shall be filled with such consternation, as nothing can exceed. Well is it with him that hath quaffed the choice and incorruptible wine of faith through the gracious favor and the manifold bounties of Him Who is the Lord of all Faiths.

Bahá’u’lláh, Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh

I think you will be fine because...
Well is it with him that hath quaffed the choice and incorruptible wine of faith through the gracious favor and the manifold bounties of Him Who is the Lord of all Faiths.

 

[loverofhumanity]

I think you will be fine because...
Well is it with him that hath quaffed the choice and incorruptible wine of faith through the gracious favor and the manifold bounties of Him Who is the Lord of all Faiths.

I love the Faith of Baha’u’llah that nothing is guaranteed. That we are not saved. Even those who perform the Fast are told that whether they really did it or not is for God to judge.

Since thou hast adorned them, O my Lord, with the ornament of the Fast prescribed by Thee, do Thou adorn them also with the ornament of Thine acceptance, through Thy grace and bountiful favor. For the doings of men are all dependent upon Thy good-pleasure, and are conditioned by Thy behest. Shouldst Thou regard him who hath broken the Fast as one who hath observed it, such a man would be reckoned among them who from eternity had been keeping the Fast. And shouldst Thou decree that he who hath observed the Fast hath broken it, that person would be numbered with such as have caused the Robe of Thy Revelation to be stained with dust, and been far removed from the crystal waters of this living Fountain.

Yet it amazes me that with no guarantees, no assurances of being saved, every possibility that a Baha’i could end up in hell we are so overflowing with confidence, Faith, assurance and certitude. I left the church with so much guilt I hated myself. I was evil, a sinner. I had to go to confession to feel good.

Now I accept myself and no more guilt complex and love and enjoy life. And have inner peace and contentment. But it took years of reading the Words of Baha’u’llah to get rid of all the trash and accumulated junk and replace it with a positive and happy attitude.