Need advice on an issue

[Kerr]

Hi all.

I have a rather silly issue that I need some advice on. Basically, I am not doing anything with my life other then sitting infront of this stupid computer all day. Dont get me wrong, I have an internship and I train 3 times a week (martial arts and yoga). But on my spare time all I do is sit at the computer. It makes my life feel kind empty. It doesnt help that I am rather scared of just going out. Or that I tend to loose initiative when I get confused (which happens to be a lot). To be honest, I have no idea of how to find people to spend time with, or how to actually spend time with others. And I have this anxiety problem that tends to get in my way of doing stuff in general. Being social is not my strong side. So I guess my rather silly question is, how do you get friends?

Take care,
Kerr

 

[A-ManESL]

Its not a silly question. If you want a real friend then I don't think there is any preset way. If you're lucky you will find a real friend.

If by friend you simply mean some person who shares your interests with and you can pass your time comfortably with him/her then the way to "get" such a friend would be to go out and mingle with like-minded people.

 

[dawny0826]

I have a rather silly issue that I need some advice on. Basically, I am not doing anything with my life other then sitting infront of this stupid computer all day. Dont get me wrong, I have an internship and I train 3 times a week (martial arts and yoga). But on my spare time all I do is sit at the computer.

It's not a silly issue at all. Most of the people that I know, sit at their computer in their spare time - for many reasons.

It makes my life feel kind empty. It doesnt help that I am rather scared of just going out. Or that I tend to loose initiative when I get confused (which happens to be a lot). To be honest, I have no idea of how to find people to spend time with, or how to actually spend time with others. And I have this anxiety problem that tends to get in my way of doing stuff in general. Being social is not my strong side. So I guess my rather silly question is, how do you get friends?

You're not alone in having this type of anxiety, Kerr. If it's something that you haven't addressed with a professional, maybe you should? Having that conversation with my doctor was incredibly hard, but made a tremendous difference in my life.

My advice - be yourself. And try not to have unrealistic expectations of other people. Friendships are cultivated. But, you can make meaningful connections everyday, with people. What do you like to do? Doing what moves you and inspires you is important. Get out and do things that you enjoy and try not to worry about making impressions or even making connections. In environments where you're comfortable and at ease, you'll probably feel more apt to say hello OR to say hello back.

Also, I wouldn't undervalue the potential of technology working to your advantage. I understand emptiness and loneliness, but, there's a world of people who use the internet to connect with others - and not everyone is a dirt bag.

You can connect with people of like interests on various forums, in chat rooms and even try online dating, if you're brave. There are some odd balls out there - you do have to be cautious, but, you may be able to ease into conversation with people, before you get out and talk with them face to face.

My hottie pe-tottie sister divorced recently and her social life consists of facebook, text messaging and online dating. She has obtained more friends through online dating sites than she has boyfriends. Even the relationships that didn't work out - they all, except one, still like her and communicate with her regularly. Most that she talks to are in the same situation that she is. There isn't time in their lives for going out and meeting people. They use the internet as a platform to "screen" people and make an initial connect and then they go out to movies, dinner, etc. with people that they've conversed with via email or over the phone.

Everyone is different. I would just suggest that when you go out, try not to be assumptive about people as you never know who is dealing with the same type of anxiety that you are. Sometimes, it's worth stepping out of your comfort zone and taking the initiative to say hello to make a worthwhile connection.

Two of my most meaningful friendships are with two women that I rarely spend time with outside of work. We share little in common and both are older than me. But, they get me. I get them. Having the ability to be yourself fully with someone is amazing, but we don't hang out and go places together. But, I can pick up the phone and call either at anytime or they can call me and we're there for each other.

Best wishes to you.

 

[Sunstone]

It's far from a silly question, Kerr. In my experience, Dawny has given you excellent advice. I won't add to it, except to reemphasize the importance of being yourself when looking for friends.

If you do the opposite of being yourself, if you put on a front in the hope of making yourself more attractive to people, you will usually end up making friends with people who like your front -- rather than you. So it's important to be yourself from the start because that's the best way to find people who like the real you.

 

[FearGod]

Hi all.

I have a rather silly issue that I need some advice on. Basically, I am not doing anything with my life other then sitting infront of this stupid computer all day. Dont get me wrong, I have an internship and I train 3 times a week (martial arts and yoga). But on my spare time all I do is sit at the computer. It makes my life feel kind empty. It doesnt help that I am rather scared of just going out. Or that I tend to loose initiative when I get confused (which happens to be a lot). To be honest, I have no idea of how to find people to spend time with, or how to actually spend time with others. And I have this anxiety problem that tends to get in my way of doing stuff in general. Being social is not my strong side. So I guess my rather silly question is, how do you get friends?

Take care,
Kerr

You remind me with this song,but just say i am happy,and thats it.

[youtube]OwagLhr4sKQ[/youtube]
Forgive Me - Ahmed Bukhatir with english subtitles - YouTube

 

[Kerr]

Its not a silly question. If you want a real friend then I don't think there is any preset way. If you're lucky you will find a real friend.

If by friend you simply mean some person who shares your interests with and you can pass your time comfortably with him/her then the way to "get" such a friend would be to go out and mingle with like-minded people.

I know, just that I would like to have a friend that actually contacts me sometimes. Maybe that is too much to ask, though.

 

[Road Warrior]

I know, just that I would like to have a friend that actually contacts me sometimes. Maybe that is too much to ask, though.

There's a philosophy that the secret to happiness is contentment. That the source of all unhappiness is desire or wanting.

There is a lot of great advice already offered here, so I won't repeat it, but will add that there is a vicious little cycle that occurs when one becomes anxious about something. Relax. Let go. Don't worry about it. Be friendly to others. Instead of desiring that someone will be your friend, be a friend to others without thinking about pay back. It's like giving a gift. A gift sincerely given is done without thinking of seeing a gift in return. If it happens, great, but if not, no problem. Friends are like that too. Just be a friend and put less focus on making one.

Best wishes. FWIW, I think you'll be fine.

 

[Kerr]

It's not a silly issue at all. Most of the people that I know, sit at their computer in their spare time - for many reasons.

I didnt mean that I dont like sitting in front of the computer, I meant that I hate only having the computer and nothing else. Its my little window to the world that allows me to lock myself in my dark little room and rot.

You're not alone in having this type of anxiety, Kerr. If it's something that you haven't addressed with a professional, maybe you should? Having that conversation with my doctor was incredibly hard, but made a tremendous difference in my life.

I have a shrink, and I like her a lot. She is one of my few social contacts.

My advice - be yourself.

I am myself . In my passed I have had issues because people dont like who I am (then hiding it, pretending like nothing is wrong, only to reveal it later through someone else), but that has not made me willing to pretend to be someone else just to make people like me.

And try not to have unrealistic expectations of other people. Friendships are cultivated. But, you can make meaningful connections everyday, with people. What do you like to do? Doing what moves you and inspires you is important. Get out and do things that you enjoy and try not to worry about making impressions or even making connections. In environments where you're comfortable and at ease, you'll probably feel more apt to say hello OR to say hello back.

The only environment I can think of right where I feel somewhat comfortable would be at the martial arts training and yoga. Even then I am not at ease (I might be during yoga, but you cannot talk that much to people during that). I try not be at ease, tbh, because in my experience the moment I relax is when I start to do stupid things without thinking and that never ends well. But I guess I can settle with what I feel at home with doing. For example I have contacted the red cross to see if I can help with anything. Want to contribute to something and thought it would be a good way to into a social context. But getting into a social context is not the same as getting friends, unfortunately.

Also, I wouldn't undervalue the potential of technology working to your advantage. I understand emptiness and loneliness, but, there's a world of people who use the internet to connect with others - and not everyone is a dirt bag.

You can connect with people of like interests on various forums, in chat rooms and even try online dating, if you're brave. There are some odd balls out there - you do have to be cautious, but, you may be able to ease into conversation with people, before you get out and talk with them face to face.

My hottie pe-tottie sister divorced recently and her social life consists of facebook, text messaging and online dating. She has obtained more friends through online dating sites than she has boyfriends. Even the relationships that didn't work out - they all, except one, still like her and communicate with her regularly. Most that she talks to are in the same situation that she is. There isn't time in their lives for going out and meeting people. They use the internet as a platform to "screen" people and make an initial connect and then they go out to movies, dinner, etc. with people that they've conversed with via email or over the phone.

Maybe I should maybe clarify something. I have friends on the internet, two who I regard as close. But none of them lives in the same country as me and I am kind of tired of having my life revolving around the computer. After all the years I have spent in front of it I have concluded that for me it is not enough. For someone else it might be, but I am not them. I want out and have fun with someone, face to face. That doesnt mean I dont appriciate the ones I have on the internet, though, just that I want a face-to-face friend as well.

Glad that it works for your sister .

Everyone is different. I would just suggest that when you go out, try not to be assumptive about people as you never know who is dealing with the same type of anxiety that you are. Sometimes, it's worth stepping out of your comfort zone and taking the initiative to say hello to make a worthwhile connection.

Yeah, I guess it is. Its just hard when you stand there and feel insecure, lol. My self confidence is very low and it makes it easy to conclude after a little talk that they dont like you and dont want anything to do with you.

Two of my most meaningful friendships are with two women that I rarely spend time with outside of work. We share little in common and both are older than me. But, they get me. I get them. Having the ability to be yourself fully with someone is amazing, but we don't hang out and go places together. But, I can pick up the phone and call either at anytime or they can call me and we're there for each other.

Best wishes to you.

I am happy for you . And thanks.

 

[Kerr]

There's a philosophy that the secret to happiness is contentment. That the source of all unhappiness is desire or wanting.

There is a lot of great advice already offered here, so I won't repeat it, but will add that there is a vicious little cycle that occurs when one becomes anxious about something. Relax. Let go. Don't worry about it. Be friendly to others. Instead of desiring that someone will be your friend, be a friend to others without thinking about pay back. It's like giving a gift. A gift sincerely given is done without thinking of seeing a gift in return. If it happens, great, but if not, no problem. Friends are like that too. Just be a friend and put less focus on making one.

Best wishes. FWIW, I think you'll be fine.

I understand what you mean. My loneliness, or maybe one of my other issues, might be making me desperate.

 

[Road Warrior]

Not desperate IMO, but certainly suffering from loneliness. It's not a crime and you have a lot of company in that regard. <---note the irony.

 

[Kerr]

You remind me with this song,but just say i am happy,and thats it.

[youtube]OwagLhr4sKQ[/youtube]
Forgive Me - Ahmed Bukhatir with english subtitles - YouTube

Maybe I should clarify that I do not ask for pitty and do not intend to whine, I am simply trying to find a solution to the situation I am in and part of that situation is having no friend to do stuff with face-to-face.

 

[Kerr]

Not desperate IMO, but certainly suffering from loneliness. It's not a crime and you have a lot of company in that regard. <---note the irony.

Lol, yeah .

 

[FearGod]

Maybe I should clarify that I do not ask for pitty and do not intend to whine, I am simply trying to find a solution to the situation I am in and part of that situation is having no friend to do stuff with face-to-face.

Real friends are hard to find,but still not impossible.

One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
Henry Adams

 

[dawny0826]

I am myself . In my passed I have had issues because people dont like who I am (then hiding it, pretending like nothing is wrong, only to reveal it later through someone else), but that has not made me willing to pretend to be someone else just to make people like me.

You should never have to pretend to be someone that you aren't. And the fact that you're seeing someone to help you is a good thing. Perhaps you and your shrink can work through some of this together.

The past is history. You learn from it and try to become a better person because of it. You can't control what other people think of you, but you can work on your reactions to criticism. What's important is how you perceive yourself.

The only environment I can think of right where I feel somewhat comfortable would be at the martial arts training and yoga. Even then I am not at ease (I might be during yoga, but you cannot talk that much to people during that). I try not be at ease, tbh, because in my experience the moment I relax is when I start to do stupid things without thinking and that never ends well.

And what you perceive as something that is "stupid" may be perceived by someone else as something they can totally relate to.

But I guess I can settle with what I feel at home with doing. For example I have contacted the red cross to see if I can help with anything. Want to contribute to something and thought it would be a good way to into a social context. But getting into a social context is not the same as getting friends, unfortunately.

Rock it out! National Societies of the Red Cross are awesome. I work for the American Red Cross. Red Cross volunteers are amazing.

Maybe I should maybe clarify something. I have friends on the internet, two who I regard as close. But none of them lives in the same country as me and I am kind of tired of having my life revolving around the computer. After all the years I have spent in front of it I have concluded that for me it is not enough. For someone else it might be, but I am not them. I want out and have fun with someone, face to face. That doesnt mean I dont appriciate the ones I have on the internet, though, just that I want a face-to-face friend as well.

It's good that it's not enough. And I wish you a multitude of wonderful people in your life who fulfill you and likewise, that you fulfill.

Yeah, I guess it is. Its just hard when you stand there and feel insecure, lol. My self confidence is very low and it makes it easy to conclude after a little talk that they dont like you and dont want anything to do with you.

You've said some very kind things to me on this forum through frubal comments and otherwise. If this projected kindness is genuine, I have a hunch that you aren't perceived by others in the way that you might imagine. You never know what is going on in someone else's head. When interacting with others and focusing on building friendships, you have to try to let go of people's perceptions of you a little. Those that are worth having in your life, are going to get you. Those that aren't worthwhile really aren't worth the heartache.

Life is full of surprises. I met my childhood best friend by turning around and looking at her and saying "Hi. My name is Dawn Renee. What's your name?"

I had funky hair that stuck out all over the place and was awkward as heck. I didn't make friends well and I still don't know what posessed me to introduce myself to her. She thought it was nuts that I just randomly introduced myself, but it was my crazy randomness that she liked best about me. We were inseperable for years and still stay in contact via facebook.

My sister met her life-long best friend by accidentally hitting her upside the head with a volleyball during PE.

My best friend of course, is Father Heathen and I wasn't a blip on his radar screen, though he was certainly on mine. I'm still a bit shocked that I had the nerve to contact him. A year later, we're a couple and we live together.

You never know when you'll be motivated to do random things that will change your life. Know that you're capable of getting out and taking a risk. A life long friendship can seriously start with a "hi, how are you?"

 

[Kerr]

After a good nights sleep I think I should clarify that I have friends in that I have people I talk to when I meet them and so on, but not any friends I do stuff with so I end up alone in my room because of that. The closest I get is this girl who for some reason I do not understand invites me to parties every now and then, but it is not often (months apart) and we dont have much contact other then that.

 

[Kerr]

You should never have to pretend to be someone that you aren't. And the fact that you're seeing someone to help you is a good thing. Perhaps you and your shrink can work through some of this together.

The past is history. You learn from it and try to become a better person because of it. You can't control what other people think of you, but you can work on your reactions to criticism. What's important is how you perceive yourself.

I know. Unfortunately for me knowing and doing are two different things. There is this need inside of me, sometimes bordering to desperation, for social stimuli. And I have no idea of how to get rid of it.

And what you perceive as something that is "stupid" may be perceived by someone else as something they can totally relate to.

When I say stupid I mean that I act first and think later. Like the time I jumped up on a girls back for a weird reason (think she got back pains or something). I am quite impulsive, probably because I have ADHD, so I have to keep myself in check and I cannot do that if I start relaxing.

Rock it out! National Societies of the Red Cross are awesome. I work for the American Red Cross. Red Cross volunteers are amazing.

Yeah, I just hope I can make contact with them . Talked to them today and they said they would check if there was something I could help with.

It's good that it's not enough. And I wish you a multitude of wonderful people in your life who fulfill you and likewise, that you fulfill.

Thanks .

You've said some very kind things to me on this forum through frubal comments and otherwise. If this projected kindness is genuine, I have a hunch that you aren't perceived by others in the way that you might imagine. You never know what is going on in someone else's head. When interacting with others and focusing on building friendships, you have to try to let go of people's perceptions of you a little. Those that are worth having in your life, are going to get you. Those that aren't worthwhile really aren't worth the heartache.

Life is full of surprises. I met my childhood best friend by turning around and looking at her and saying "Hi. My name is Dawn Renee. What's your name?"

I had funky hair that stuck out all over the place and was awkward as heck. I didn't make friends well and I still don't know what posessed me to introduce myself to her. She thought it was nuts that I just randomly introduced myself, but it was my crazy randomness that she liked best about me. We were inseperable for years and still stay in contact via facebook.

My sister met her life-long best friend by accidentally hitting her upside the head with a volleyball during PE.

My best friend of course, is Father Heathen and I wasn't a blip on his radar screen, though he was certainly on mine. I'm still a bit shocked that I had the nerve to contact him. A year later, we're a couple and we live together.

You never know when you'll be motivated to do random things that will change your life. Know that you're capable of getting out and taking a risk. A life long friendship can seriously start with a "hi, how are you?"

Perhaps my perception is distorted due to my issues with, well, myself. It is just hard not to worry about what people think. Do you have any tip? For how to stop worrying about that?

From your post I get the impression that hope is important. And I guess you are right. I will keep trying, even if it is hard. Which brings me on to another question... how do you actually connect to people? How do you know what to say and what not to say?

 

[cablescavenger]

Hi all.

I have a rather silly issue that I need some advice on. Basically, I am not doing anything with my life other then sitting infront of this stupid computer all day. Dont get me wrong, I have an internship and I train 3 times a week (martial arts and yoga). But on my spare time all I do is sit at the computer. It makes my life feel kind empty. It doesnt help that I am rather scared of just going out. Or that I tend to loose initiative when I get confused (which happens to be a lot). To be honest, I have no idea of how to find people to spend time with, or how to actually spend time with others. And I have this anxiety problem that tends to get in my way of doing stuff in general. Being social is not my strong side. So I guess my rather silly question is, how do you get friends?

Take care,
Kerr

You haven't give much away about what you like, whether you drink or whether you have or would like a partner, so I have just thrown a few suggestions out there:

Work - Join people for a drink, arrange quiz nights, bowling nights, do a sandwich run stop and chat, the chats will get longer.
Pub - Just walk in, stand at the bar and have a drink, you will get to know the regulars in no time
Online - Dating websites
Hobbies - i.e. Photography, take classes, join courses, share ideas.
Social events - Make yourself go to weddings, birthdays, nights out (even if you don't drink).
College - What are people doing after class?
Sport - Join a club

 

[Kerr]

You haven't give much away about what you like, whether you drink or whether you have or would like a partner, so I have just thrown a few suggestions out there:

Work - Join people for a drink, arrange quiz nights, bowling nights, do a sandwich run stop and chat, the chats will get longer.
Pub - Just walk in, stand at the bar and have a drink, you will get to know the regulars in no time
Online - Dating websites
Hobbies - i.e. Photography, take classes, join courses, share ideas.
Social events - Make yourself go to weddings, birthdays, nights out (even if you don't drink).
College - What are people doing after class?
Sport - Join a club

Ok, will add a little about myself. I dont drink alcohol. Dont like being around drunk people either, but I can stand it. Would like a partner but that is a little off topic for this thread . I train martial arts and yoga. Have finished my studies atm, but may study again later if only for the sake of intellectual stimulance. My economy sucks because I have no job and that limits what I can do a little.

Thanks for the suggestions .

 

[Road Warrior]

What form of martial arts? I studied both Hapkido and TKD. While I still practice a little by working out on a kick bag, I mostly practice yoga and other exercises these days. I'm in pretty good shape for being over 55, but could stand to lose 10-15 pounds.

Do you ever hang with people from your dojo or yoga class? Any common interests like hiking, which is often free, or other activities? Are you in an urban or rural area?

 

[MysticSang'ha]

You got some great advice here from fellow RFers!

Try this. Go outside for a walk, and smile and wave at the neighbors. I've found that simple actions like this are enough momentary reminders that people are awesome since 99% of the time, they smile and wave back at me.

You get some fresh air, a little bit of sunshine, it's free and doesn't cost any money, and if you're feeling a little adventurous you'll walk toward a destination that captures your interest where new people await your presence.