"Nice Guy Syndrome"

[MysticSang'ha]

Picking up on the urban dictionary's definition of being placed in the "friend zone":

What you attain after you fail to impress a woman you're attracted to. Usually initiated by the woman saying, "You're such a good friend". Usually associated with long days of suffering and watching your love interest hop from one bad relationship to another. Verb tense is "Friend-ed".

I've felt this too, where I have been "friend-ed", but somehow it isn't as significant of that punch-in-the-gut feeling of rejection that the male gender feels in popular assumptions. In fact, not that long ago, a female friend of mine, who is completely understanding and cool with our open marriage, and who knows about my orientation, and who discovered my attraction to her...

...she "friend-ed" me.

So, why am I not devastated by it?

.

.

.

Well, that was kind of a rhetorical question. Every now and then, I come across complaints from males who rant about how they're nice to women, but suffer from the "nice guys finish last" phenomenon. Where they care and give a **** for a woman they really really like - or lust for, or both - and she has the audacity to decide that she isn't attracted to him, or give him what he deserves. That she goes around and sleeps with jerks who treat them horribly, but she doesn't reward the actual nice who actually has been friendly and respectful to her.

I got a few bones to pick with that perspective.

First, it assumes that a woman's sexual autonomy isn't really hers. It assumes that a woman's sexual autonomy belongs to the man who believes he deserves it.

Second, it propagates the attitude that a woman must save her virginity to a man who has provided enough evidence of his fidelity. Men are not the only ones who objectify a woman's sexuality and make it into a commodity for trade purposes.

Third, it negates a woman's ability to sleep with "Mr. Right Now" for pleasure, and to prop up on a pedestal her only accepted choice...sleeping with "Mr. Right." But assuming her choice isn't from her perspective, but the man who perceives himself as "Mr. Right." Men in this culture do not experience the same...where they have the freedom to sleep with a loose woman just for the experience, recreation, stress release, for a rebound, etc.

My questions to RF feminists are these:

Where do you see the "Nice Guy Syndrome" originating from? From a patriarchal paradigm? Is it little more than an urban legend? Have you had personal experience with the "Nice Guy Syndrome"?

 

[Caladan]

While I think that kindness or simply being nice is always welcomed, it can also become a strategy for some people.
Some guys are actually nice, others develop a 'niceness' exoskeleton that shuts women from knowing their character or potential qualities that they seek in a mate. So, being nice is cool... but it should come with an honest and authentic package of other equally important traits.

 

[dust1n]

Guys don't handle rejection so well. While I guess the past history was probably more brute force, it seems that most guys expectations are somewhat set by the narratives they digest and reinforce in themselves. With constant pressure from family and peers and society and commercials, it's sort of hard to comprehend one might go a year being single unintentionally, or that love and beauty is so easily acquired following this certain sets of actions.

Hmm, a friend in my past described our generations' patriarchy being like a throne, but it's all wooden and its rotting, and grubs are eating out the insides of it. Was never sure the full implication of that.

Anyways, as being a dude who is nice and doesn't as much females not rejecting as he wished, it's rather obvious to me that women are not as concerned with the nice/bad dichotomy as often described.

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

I think in many cases, it's an example of the "self-made man" trope gone wrong: "I did my part according to the standard narrative, now the universe is supposed to align so that the rest of the narrative plays itself out. When it doesn't, it violates my expectations in an unpleasant way."

Of course, this approach treats the woman as a plot device in the man's narrative and not as the actor in her own narrative.

 

[LuisDantas]

If you will allow a little intrusion from one who never learned whether he is a feminist or not:

(...)
...she "friend-ed" me.

So, why am I not devastated by it?

My guess is that it is some combination of

1. You being a woman (women are inherently more capable of dealing with rejection, far as I can tell)

2. You having a fairly healthy network of support for your self-steem already (many if not most guys do not, sad as it is to say)

3. You do not objectify people. Most men do as a matter of course, and it can be very difficult indeed to deal with rejection from someone you thought unable of so doing.

Well, that was kind of a rhetorical question. Every now and then, I come across complaints from males who rant about how they're nice to women, but suffer from the "nice guys finish last" phenomenon. Where they care and give a **** for a woman they really really like - or lust for, or both - and she has the audacity to decide that she isn't attracted to him, or give him what he deserves. That she goes around and sleeps with jerks who treat them horribly, but she doesn't reward the actual nice who actually has been friendly and respectful to her.

I got a few bones to pick with that perspective.

First, it assumes that a woman's sexual autonomy isn't really hers. It assumes that a woman's sexual autonomy belongs to the man who believes he deserves it.

And that is of course a terrible distortion of how things should be. I am not defending that perspective.

I will however say that guys are often pressured into it, sometimes by the women themselves. Confused scenarios where a man is expected to be "cavalier" or even to openly buy a woman's attention with his efforts are not rare, and it can become unclear how much autonomy and respect a woman truly wants - and how much of a return a male should expect to have from his efforts, if any.

That probably should not happen. But in my experience, it is all too common for people to just not know of any other paths for dealing with each other without completely denying their sexual natures.

Second, it propagates the attitude that a woman must save her virginity to a man who has provided enough evidence of his fidelity. Men are not the only ones who objectify a woman's sexuality and make it into a commodity for trade purposes.

True.

Third, it negates a woman's ability to sleep with "Mr. Right Now" for pleasure, and to prop up on a pedestal her only accepted choice...sleeping with "Mr. Right." But assuming her choice isn't from her perspective, but the man who perceives himself as "Mr. Right." Men in this culture do not experience the same...where they have the freedom to sleep with a loose woman just for the experience, recreation, stress release, for a rebound, etc.

True enough. It is a double standard and it should be denounced as such.

Although I will add that not everyone really feels confortable into speaking openly about those things. It may take a while (perhaps even a whole generation or two) for even women to accept that they are not prizes to be earned for good behavior and reputation.

Again, I am not defending that state of things. Just saying that it is what many people know as proper.


(That is all. Thanks for your attention, never mind me, go on as you please).

 

[MysticSang'ha]

no offense but its a bit rude to compare your situation to that of a single monogamous male in regards to female friends in the same state.

Why is it rude? I can be in love and sexually desire another person. Why is it rude to suggest that my experience is as authentic as a single monogamous males experience?

Now Your also overlooking that many of those girls being refereed to actively complain, wish, look etc all the while completely ignoring said person in their life.

Looks like I hit a nerve. Care to elaborate?

 

[Sunstone]

...the male gender feels in popular assumptions.

It's always difficult to understand feelings you yourself don't experience. I still recall when I was growing up an 19 year old male friend of mine sticking a shotgun barrel in his mouth and pulling the trigger with his toe because he preferred that to the emotional pain of being rejected by a girl he was interested in. I myself would never do such a thing, but I am willing to admit I have known people who apparently suffer more from rejection than I do.

Where do you see the "Nice Guy Syndrome" originating from? From a patriarchal paradigm? Is it little more than an urban legend? Have you had personal experience with the "Nice Guy Syndrome"?

I think the "Nice Guy Syndrome" is very real. I also think it's more complex than either side in the debate over it frequently represents it.

For instance, there is a group of non-abusive men who have, at one time or another in their lives, been attracted to a woman who herself was attracted to an abusive partner, and who dumped them (i.e. the nice guy) for the jerk. In my experience, that actually does happen now and then: I get blog comments and emails from such confused men perhaps a dozen or more times a year. I could see those men being mistakenly accused of suffering from "Nice Guy Syndrome" when in fact that would be an unfair characterization of their attitudes.

At any rate, there also seems to be a group of men who feel women owe them sex in exchange for their having treated them well. When the woman ends up with someone else, they may complain they were a nice guy and he was a jerk. This second group is more likely to be angry with the woman than the first group though. The first group is just wounded, and usually more baffled than angry.

It's kind of amazing anyone would think they were owed love, let alone sex. I've known women who have thought that they were owed love in exchange for sex. I've known men who have thought they were owed sex in exchange for paying some attention to a woman. Kind of weird anyone would think you could purchase another person's feelings -- either with money or with sex.

 

[dawny0826]

I've felt this too, where I have been "friend-ed", but somehow it isn't as significant of that punch-in-the-gut feeling of rejection that the male gender feels in popular assumptions. In fact, not that long ago, a female friend of mine, who is completely understanding and cool with our open marriage, and who knows about my orientation, and who discovered my attraction to her...

...she "friend-ed" me.

So, why am I not devastated by it?

I can't answer for you, Heather. I'll answer if this were myself in your shoes. I might not be devastated because:

1. I'm a confident, healthy and happy person and my happiness does not hinge upon others' acceptance of me.

2. I already enjoy a healthy marriage. I'm fulfilled. Additional opportunity is exciting but not necessary for my fulfillment.

3. Truth is freeing. I respect honesty. It's helpful (and healthy) to move forward in a friendship, understanding that the tone needs to remain platonic.

Well, that was kind of a rhetorical question. Every now and then, I come across complaints from males who rant about how they're nice to women, but suffer from the "nice guys finish last" phenomenon. Where they care and give a **** for a woman they really really like - or lust for, or both - and she has the audacity to decide that she isn't attracted to him, or give him what he deserves. That she goes around and sleeps with jerks who treat them horribly, but she doesn't reward the actual nice who actually has been friendly and respectful to her.

I suppose we need to acknowledge the "nice girls finish last" phonomenon as well, as men are not the only pursuers of relationships out there and aren't the only people who allow ego and unrealistic expectatation to cloud their vision and judgement.

I got a few bones to pick with that perspective.

First, it assumes that a woman's sexual autonomy isn't really hers. It assumes that a woman's sexual autonomy belongs to the man who believes he deserves it.

True, from the example you've provided, this might be his mindset. But, women too can treat men in this way.

Second, it propagates the attitude that a woman must save her virginity to a man who has provided enough evidence of his fidelity. Men are not the only ones who objectify a woman's sexuality and make it into a commodity for trade purposes.

Possibly, as applied to the example that you've provided. But again, this could be applied to a woman with comparable thinking patterns as well.

Third, it negates a woman's ability to sleep with "Mr. Right Now" for pleasure, and to prop up on a pedestal her only accepted choice...sleeping with "Mr. Right." But assuming her choice isn't from her perspective, but the man who perceives himself as "Mr. Right." Men in this culture do not experience the same...where they have the freedom to sleep with a loose woman just for the experience, recreation, stress release, for a rebound, etc.

Agreed, as per the example you've provided. However, again, "Ms. Right" can be plugged in here and we should consider a plethora of possible variances.

Where do you see the "Nice Guy Syndrome" originating from? From a patriarchal paradigm? Is it little more than an urban legend? Have you had personal experience with the "Nice Guy Syndrome"?

I have not had experience with the nice guy syndrome, per the example that you've provided. When I was younger, in I was often the good friend to many of the guys. I would have a crush on a guy that I felt I was compatible with and he would be calling me, upset over the girl that he was pining over who wasn't into him as she wanted to be with the other guy who was the better catch, in her opinion.

I think that part of this stems from societal pressure and the expectations that people look, act or behave a certain way to attract a mate.

On a more "cellular" level, I think this is more an issue of individal personality, expectations and then societal pressure as well.

After my sister's divorce, when she was utilizing online dating sites, if he didn't look a certain way, make a certain amount of money or convey himself eloquently enough through his profile, she would not give him the time of day.

Statistically speaking, those who make less money do have less success on online dating sites. Not to mention those who are overlooked simply because a few photographs aren't as aesthetically appealing in comparison to the next person.

We live in a society that is quite superficial, not to undermine the importance of attraction and honesty pursuing interests and attraction. But, I can understand how some of the guys that were dismissed by my sister must feel. I know that women share the same concerns.

Her (now) husband was dishonest about his career, because he didn't feel like he made enough money to impress her.

Don't get me wrong. She is brilliant and she's a hotty. She deserved happiness and deserved someone who met her expectations. But, when those expectations convey near perfection in an individual, it does have an impact on people. The Type As of the world absolutely impact the Type Bs, in example.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

It's always difficult to understand feelings you yourself don't experience. I still recall when I was growing up an 19 year old male friend of mine sticking a shotgun barrel in his mouth and pulling the trigger with his toe because he preferred that to the emotional pain of being rejected by a girl he was interested in. I myself would never do such a thing, but I am willing to admit I have known people who apparently suffer more from rejection than I do.



I think the "Nice Guy Syndrome" is very real. I also think it's more complex than either side in the debate over it frequently represents it.

For instance, there is a group of non-abusive men who have, at one time or another in their lives, been attracted to a woman who herself was attracted to an abusive partner, and who dumped them (i.e. the nice guy) for the jerk. In my experience, that actually does happen now and then: I get blog comments and emails from such confused men perhaps a dozen or more times a year. I could see those men being mistakenly accused of suffering from "Nice Guy Syndrome" when in fact that would be an unfair characterization of their attitudes.

Does this happen from the other side, too? That there are women who pine for a man who is in love with an abusive partner, and who is dumped for the abuser, and then is hurt by it?

At any rate, there also seems to be a group of men who feel women owe them sex in exchange for their having treated them well. When the woman ends up with someone else, they may complain they were a nice guy and he was a jerk. This second group is more likely to be angry with the woman than the first group though. The first group is just wounded, and usually more baffled than angry.

It's kind of amazing anyone would think they were owed love, let alone sex. I've known women who have thought that they were owed love in exchange for sex. I've known men who have thought they were owed sex in exchange for paying some attention to a woman. Kind of weird anyone would think you could purchase another person's feelings -- either with money or with sex.

I agree. But to tweak from how women have wronged men in the love/sex department, I've known women who have thought they were owed some kind of commitment in exchange for sex. Whether it's a friends-with-benefits situation, or some kind of eternal devotion to them after sex.

It's like a sex-based economy, where a fair trade is based on hormones and emotions, that is doomed to fail. Hormones and emotions are fleeting.

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

Have you had personal experience with the "Nice Guy Syndrome"?

I've been in situations where I wanted to be with someone who didn't want to be with me, and while it made me unhappy (sometimes very) and I wished that things were different at the time, I didn't approach the situation as if the other person "owed" me a relationship.

 

[Sunstone]

Does this happen from the other side, too? That there are women who pine for a man who is in love with an abusive partner, and who is dumped for the abuser, and then is hurt by it?

For sure! It happens to both sexes, and every gender, so far as I can see.

It's like a sex-based economy, where a fair trade is based on hormones and emotions, that is doomed to fail. Hormones and emotions are fleeting.

Good point, well said.

People can be pretty crazy about expecting love and/or sex in exchange for treating others well. But those who do expect love or sex from treating other people well, I wonder about them, Heather, in this regard: Do they ever really appreciate it when someone does love them, or does give them sex? Or do they just think they deserved it, so it's not all that special to them?

 

[MysticSang'ha]

I can't answer for you, Heather. I'll answer if this were myself in your shoes. I might not be devastated because:

1. I'm a confident, healthy and happy person and my happiness does not hinge upon others' acceptance of me.

2. I already enjoy a healthy marriage. I'm fulfilled. Additional opportunity is exciting but not necessary for my fulfillment.

3. Truth is freeing. I respect honesty. It's helpful (and healthy) to move forward in a friendship, understanding that the tone needs to remain platonic.

Though I asked rhetorically, it's cool that you gave some possibilities. I'm more in agreement with #1 and #3, if I were to speak on personally why I wasn't devastated. Maybe I can come up with personal examples where I've been friended, and where I have apparently friended others - male and female - when I wasn't married. I can see why others might consider my martial status as a qualifier for not having to experience the same feelings and hormones and emotions as single people. I disagree, but not a lot of people are knowledgable of polyamorous marriages.

I suppose we need to acknowledge the "nice girls finish last" phonomenon as well, as men are not the only pursuers of relationships out there and aren't the only people who allow ego and unrealistic expectatation to cloud their vision and judgement.

True. But is it written about, talked about, ranted about, to the extent that it happens with men?

True, from the example you've provided, this might be his mindset. But, women too can treat men in this way.

Possibly, as applied to the example that you've provided. But again, this could be applied to a woman with comparable thinking patterns as well.

Sure women can. How often do women act comparably? Are there examples that show it's as pervasive as with men?

Agreed, as per the example you've provided. However, again, "Ms. Right" can be plugged in here and we should consider a plethora of possible variances.

I have not had experience with the nice guy syndrome, per the example that you've provided. When I was younger, in I was often the good friend to many of the guys. I would have a crush on a guy that I felt I was compatible with and he would be calling me, upset over the girl that he was pining over who wasn't into him as she wanted to be with the other guy who was the better catch, in her opinion.

LOL sounds like **** running downhill. Just kidding.

I was the tomboy who played football with the boys in school, who would many times ask me why a girl they liked wasn't into them. A few of them were ones that I had a crush on, too (boys and girls, doubly confusing).

I think that part of this stems from societal pressure and the expectations that people look, act or behave a certain way to attract a mate.

On a more "cellular" level, I think this is more an issue of individal personality, expectations and then societal pressure as well.

I've noticed this in other posts in this thread, too. The societal pressure that seems overwhelming. Is the pressure reasonable or should we challenge it?

Another rhetorical question.

After my sister's divorce, when she was utilizing online dating sites, if he didn't look a certain way, make a certain amount of money or convey himself eloquently enough through his profile, she would not give him the time of day.

Statistically speaking, those who make less money do have less success on online dating sites. Not to mention those who are overlooked simply because a few photographs aren't as aesthetically appealing in comparison to the next person.

Yeah, I've seen that.

We live in a society that is quite superficial, not to undermine the importance of attraction and honesty pursuing interests and attraction. But, I can understand how some of the guys that were dismissed by my sister must feel. I know that women share the same concerns.

Her (now) husband was dishonest about his career, because he didn't feel like he made enough money to impress her.

Don't get me wrong. She is brilliant and she's a hotty. She deserved happiness and deserved someone who met her expectations. But, when those expectations convey near perfection in an individual, it does have an impact on people. The Type As of the world absolutely impact the Type Bs, in example.

I've got some thoughts in my brain about this, but at the moment I need to let it brew before responding.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

As I see it, it's always people who want to get their willies wet but don't really have courage or self esteem to hit on a girl, and make an excuse that they are simply "nice" or have a good will, when really it's not a better one than any of those guys hitting on her.

 

[Wherenextcolumbus]

Although I haven't had much experience with the "nice guy syndrome" probably because I hardly ever form close friendships with either men or women, I think it boils down to sexual entitlement which plays out in different ways. I'm more experienced with men who don't take "no" for an answer. "I'm not interested" "I'm a lesbian" "I'm married with 3 kids" and they are still asking you for your number, or trying to persuade you that you should consider them as a partner.
I think it's time we stopped expecting women to be polite and let men down gently. I should be able to just say "no" and not have to continue explaining myself.

 

[dawny0826]

Though I asked rhetorically, it's cool that you gave some possibilities. I'm more in agreement with #1 and #3, if I were to speak on personally why I wasn't devastated. Maybe I can come up with personal examples where I've been friended, and where I have apparently friended others - male and female - when I wasn't married. I can see why others might consider my martial status as a qualifier for not having to experience the same feelings and hormones and emotions as single people. I disagree, but not a lot of people are knowledgable of polyamorous marriages.

It was "kind of a rhetorical" question and I thought it would be interesting to apply myself to the situation as a monogomous female. I wasn't attempting to answer as you, to be clear. I'm certainly not making assumptions about your marital status and its qualifiers.

True. But is it written about, talked about, ranted about, to the extent that it happens with men?

No and I think that this is a problem. This mindset that you've provided through example, is real, but, it's not mindset and behavior that is only characteristic of men.

I struggle to see benefit in elevating men as being greater culprits in this regard, when I don't believe that they are.

Sure women can. How often do women act comparably? Are there examples that show it's as pervasive as with men?

In my personal experience, women have tipped the scales, in this regard, Heather. I can't provide evidence of this, as I'm only speaking from personal experience and perception.

I've often been the pursuer in my own relationships. I've been the best girl friend to many guys who identified as a "nice guy" crapped upon by girls.

Most of these guys genuinely cared for the girls they were attracted to and were struggling with their own self esteem as a result of rejection. I didn't hang out with ******** who objectified women.

A lot of the girls attached to these scenarios really were misleading, dishonest and hurt these guys and the feeling of "nice guy finishes last" felt relevant.

LOL sounds like **** running downhill. Just kidding.

It was what it was. Live and learn.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

I've been in situations where I wanted to be with someone who didn't want to be with me, and while it made me unhappy (sometimes very) and I wished that things were different at the time, I didn't approach the situation as if the other person "owed" me a relationship.

I think that's healthy, Jeff. I don't doubt that everybody has been through that in one way, shape, or form. It's probably those expectations that has been spoken about that has formed the Syndrome in the first place.

 

[Alceste]

My brother was in a LTR with a girl he was crazy about - they were living together, he was thinking of popping the question, etc. She "fell in love", though, with a total scumbag. She cheated on my bro (who is reasonably nice), even moving in with the scumbag in the house my bro owns, after convincing him to move into her apartment and rent his house out for "financial" reasons.

I've never once heard my brother imply that her behavior had something to do with "nice guy syndrome". Some people make terrible decisions and behave terribly. That's life. He understands (or is trying to) that he represented the kind of person she wanted to want to be with, and the other guy is the kind of guy she feels she can be "herself" with. She carries around a lot of self-loathing, so she feels very much at home with a massive jerk.

I've personally been "friend zoned" by guys I was head over heels for back in my single days. Several times. I understood (or tried to) that they just weren't into me in that way. It was probably because I was crushing on them way too hard and it made everything kind of awkward. Nevertheless, I was happy to stay friends, because I don't crush on anyone who I wouldn't or couldn't be friends with. I have seen all these guys get into various relationships over the years with women who sometimes don't treat them very well, but it never crosses my mind that they PREFER to be badly treated. We like who we like, and everybody's a ***** once in a while. Sometimes they don't treat their partner all that well either.

Anyway, the back story is just to set the stage for what I think is going on: the "friend zone" myth is hugely popular with guys because it provides a simple, easy explanation of why somebody's just not that into you. It doesn't require any careful contemplation of your own behavior, your own level of attractiveness, what the object of your desire might want out of life or out of a relationship and whether or not you would be able fulfill those specific desires. (Girls have their version of this, but there's way more words, white zinfandel and chocolate involved. "Oh, honey, what a meanie! I can't believe he did that! What a jerk" You know what I'm talking about. It's never us. It's always him.)

You don't need to think about what kind of physical shape you're in, your personal habits and whether you're compatible with her: you already know why they're just not that into you. You're a nice guy and "everybody knows" women prefer jerks.

My thoughts on the subject? Whatever helps you sleep at night. I know it's painful to dwell on the actual reasons a person you're infatuated with might not feel the same, and I don't blame anybody for not wanting to go through that emotional gauntlet.

All I can say is, it feels so much better in the end, having arrived at a reality-based understanding of what went wrong. You learn from it, and grow from it. You refine your methods, choose more carefully, avoid investing too much effort and emotion into a lost cause, learn to give people space to be themselves and have their own wants and needs. And the world is not an ugly, hostile place where you'll never probably find love or get laid because you're "too nice" and the entire gender you're attracted to only likes jerks.

 

[Erebus]

I mentioned in another thread that in my opinion popular media has a significant role to play in the creation of both jerks and nice guys. Girls like bad boys, nice guys finish last and women go for jerks are all pretty common tropes and surely some guys are going to believe it and style themselves as a jerk/bad boy. Of course some people are just naturally vile, but you certainly do see people adopt it deliberately.

Other people go the opposite way and use being "nice" both as a strategy to sleep with women and as an excuse for when it fails. Perhaps this is because in a lot of films and books the nice guy wins the girl in the end. Maybe instead they feel that because they don't act like a Hollywood jerk, they must instead be a nice guy. Either way to me "nice guy syndrome" implies a false persona used to pick up women or to provide a reason for their failings that doesn't imply something negative. Surely it's better to fail because you're just too damn wonderful than because you're as trustworthy as a fox in a hen house, have bad BO, are boring or a million other possibilities.

I've known a couple of self styled "nice guys" who were actually anything but. Deep down they were deeply insecure, bitter misogynists. Similarly the self styled jerks don't often have successful relationships either. They may have a bit more of a response initially because a. they appear outwardly to be more confident and b. they go through every woman in a club/bar until they find someone who will sleep with them.

Oh and the friendzone doesn't really exist in my opinion. Friends date each other all the time. I think the myth may have arisen because somebody might turn down another's advances with "we're better as friends" to take the sting out of the rejection. Basically they're saying "I'm not attracted to you, but that's nothing against you as a person."

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

I see those types on other boards. They're all hateful sexists and homophobes who come off as borderline potential rapists.

 

[Erebus]

I see those types on other boards. They're all hateful sexists and homophobes who come off as borderline potential rapists.

Ahh the internet is the perfect place to spew a bit of venom for a lot of people. The couple of "Nice Guys" I met in real life weren't that bad, they were just ... unpleasant.
One in particular was a selfish man-child who would throw a tantrum whenever he didn't get his own way. He was also a virgin and blamed this both on his own niceness and on the reluctance of women in general to repay his kindness. So as has been mentioned already, there was an element of expecting sex as payment at play here.
It's his face that pops into my head whenever people talk about things like "nice guy syndrome" as I feel he was just about the archetypal case.