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"Nice Guy Syndrome"

Saint Frankenstein

Here for the ride
Premium Member
Ahh the internet is the perfect place to spew a bit of venom for a lot of people. The couple of "Nice Guys" I met in real life weren't that bad, they were just ... unpleasant.
One in particular was a selfish man-child who would throw a tantrum whenever he didn't get his own way. He was also a virgin and blamed this both on his own niceness and on the reluctance of women in general to repay his kindness. So as has been mentioned already, there was an element of expecting sex as payment at play here.
It's his face that pops into my head whenever people talk about things like "nice guy syndrome" as I feel he was just about the archetypal case.

The biggest example that I know of was an Australian on one of the IMDb boards. He was way out there. Totally disgusting person. I could see him ending up in jail for raping or assaulting a woman. Very creepy. He did everything the OP laid out, but was even worse.
 

Penumbra

Veteran Member
Premium Member
Where do you see the "Nice Guy Syndrome" originating from? From a patriarchal paradigm? Is it little more than an urban legend? Have you had personal experience with the "Nice Guy Syndrome"?
I think your scenario differs considerably from the typical example of this type of thing.

Being in an open marriage, and having had many successful relationships or partners in the past, would probably make rejection by someone feel different than in other cases. The type of guy that would generally complain about the supposed nice guy problem, seems to be someone who is younger with limited or no sexual and relationship experience, so a rejection for them is a rejection of their only perceived option and a perceived threat to their being, rather than still having a marriage and many successful past partners and someone to go home to. They perceive themselves losing something in a category that they are lacking in, rather than losing something in a category that they're abundant in.

So, I don't know, but it seems similar to comparing someone with multiple current or past successful businesses and plenty of available capital that has a business idea go poorly and they shrug it off and move on, vs someone younger who went all-in on their only business plan and it didn't work out. Their places after that are very different, and so the impact on their perception will also be significantly different.

I've not really had to deal with nice guy syndrome personally, although I've witnessed it, where a guy complains that women are irrational, don't appreciate nice guys, etc. Maybe some of the people I've rejected felt that way about me without saying it, I don't know, but I've seen it directed at others.

It's probably a matter of displacement. Rather than simply accepting that not everyone will be attracted to him, or not asking himself if maybe certain qualities about himself are generally unattractive, it's a case of blaming the other person, feeling entitled to their attraction due to supposedly good behavior, and then criticizing the woman's attraction criteria if she isn't attracted to him. It's her fault, she's attracted to jerks, she's irrational, basically.

I'm not sure what the main cause is. It's probably all different. It could be a personality issue, and I'm sure it's partially based on patriarchy and objectification. And in a lot of fiction, the protagonist is often a nice guy who inevitably gets the girl in the end, so in real life, if a guy views himself to be in that protagonist role and then the woman he likes doesn't reciprocate his feelings,he might feel cheated.

I don't view entitlement, whining, and objectification, as particularly nice traits, so it seems to me it's a matter of a person considering themselves nice when really, they often might not be. Then there are wacky ideas about how a man has to be a jerk to attract women.

It seems more of a prevent notion among men, with phrases like "friend-zoned" or "nice guys finish last" being well-known phrases. The female equivalent, though, would probably be when a woman is rejected by a guy who goes out with someone who is considered by the woman and other people to be more beautiful, and so the rejected woman and her friends might suggest amongst themselves that the guy is a jerk and only cares about superficial appearance. And along with that seems to be a notion that if one is very beautiful, they must have a balancing negative trait. Like, they can't be just as nice and beautiful, but rather, if they're beautiful, then they must be insecure, or superficial, or starving themselves to look that way, or whatever. So that's a type of displacement to avoid feeling hurt, where one considers the man who was attracted to a perceived beautiful woman to be a superficial jerk, and to consider that beautiful woman as probably having negative traits to counter-balance her physical attractiveness.
 

Reverend Rick

Frubal Whore
Premium Member
Here is the real world it's not easy at all. Hearts can be broken and real tears can fall. The boys don't always get the girls here in the real world.

Quote from some country and western song. I wonder what would happen if you played the song backwards?

The bottom line here, many folks don't take rejection well. Lets not over analyze this. Some things are not meant to be. Win some lose alot.
 

Alceste

Vagabond
I think your scenario differs considerably from the typical example of this type of thing.

Being in an open marriage, and having had many successful relationships or partners in the past, would probably make rejection by someone feel different than in other cases. The type of guy that would generally complain about the supposed nice guy problem, seems to be someone who is younger with limited or no sexual and relationship experience, so a rejection for them is a rejection of their only perceived option and a perceived threat to their being, rather than still having a marriage and many successful past partners and someone to go home to. They perceive themselves losing something in a category that they are lacking in, rather than losing something in a category that they're abundant in.

So, I don't know, but it seems similar to comparing someone with multiple current or past successful businesses and plenty of available capital that has a business idea go poorly and they shrug it off and move on, vs someone younger who went all-in on their only business plan and it didn't work out. Their places after that are very different, and so the impact on their perception will also be significantly different.

I've not really had to deal with nice guy syndrome personally, although I've witnessed it, where a guy complains that women are irrational, don't appreciate nice guys, etc. Maybe some of the people I've rejected felt that way about me without saying it, I don't know, but I've seen it directed at others.

It's probably a matter of displacement. Rather than simply accepting that not everyone will be attracted to him, or not asking himself if maybe certain qualities about himself are generally unattractive, it's a case of blaming the other person, feeling entitled to their attraction due to supposedly good behavior, and then criticizing the woman's attraction criteria if she isn't attracted to him. It's her fault, she's attracted to jerks, she's irrational, basically.

I'm not sure what the main cause is. It's probably all different. It could be a personality issue, and I'm sure it's partially based on patriarchy and objectification. And in a lot of fiction, the protagonist is often a nice guy who inevitably gets the girl in the end, so in real life, if a guy views himself to be in that protagonist role and then the woman he likes doesn't reciprocate his feelings,he might feel cheated.

I don't view entitlement, whining, and objectification, as particularly nice traits, so it seems to me it's a matter of a person considering themselves nice when really, they often might not be. Then there are wacky ideas about how a man has to be a jerk to attract women.

It seems more of a prevent notion among men, with phrases like "friend-zoned" or "nice guys finish last" being well-known phrases. The female equivalent, though, would probably be when a woman is rejected by a guy who goes out with someone who is considered by the woman and other people to be more beautiful, and so the rejected woman and her friends might suggest amongst themselves that the guy is a jerk and only cares about superficial appearance. And along with that seems to be a notion that if one is very beautiful, they must have a balancing negative trait. Like, they can't be just as nice and beautiful, but rather, if they're beautiful, then they must be insecure, or superficial, or starving themselves to look that way, or whatever. So that's a type of displacement to avoid feeling hurt, where one considers the man who was attracted to a perceived beautiful woman to be a superficial jerk, and to consider that beautiful woman as probably having negative traits to counter-balance her physical attractiveness.

Yeah, that was the other thing I was thinking - some of the "nice guys" out there are suffocating, clingy, codependent, jealous,and / or they stink of desperation. It's pretty obvious when all the "nice" is not genuine niceness, but a means to an end. When I pick up on that, I also pick up on a high likelihood of a whole bunch of needless drama if I don't follow their script.

I think the fact that the frequency of internet complaints about "nice guys" always being "friend zoned" increases in proportion to one's proximity to a "men's rights" forum speaks for itself. You know those MRAs - chocka block with "nice guys"...
 

Reverend Rick

Frubal Whore
Premium Member
Yeah, that was the other thing I was thinking - some of the "nice guys" out there are suffocating, clingy, codependent, jealous,and / or they stink of desperation. It's pretty obvious when all the "nice" is not genuine niceness, but a means to an end. When I pick up on that, I also pick up on a high likelihood of a whole bunch of needless drama if I don't follow their script.

I think the fact that the frequency of internet complaints about "nice guys" always being "friend zoned" increases in proportion to one's proximity to a "men's rights" forum speaks for itself. You know those MRAs - chocka block with "nice guys"...

Exactly Right
 

The Neo Nerd

Well-Known Member
I once fell in love with my best friend, she was with an absolute scum bag at the time.

It was after he dumped her (a couple of months) that i told her how i felt and how i knew she didn't feel the same so i was going to take some time away and sought myself out. My hope was that after i got over it we could still be friends. During the conversation she said, and i quote "i don't love you and I never will".

Now, 7-8 years later we are friends again, we aren't as close as we once were but we both agree that some distance is best.

But now she gets jealous and angry at me every time i show any interest in another girl.

This is unacceptable. I can handle being friendzoned by her, i can handle her saying that she doesn't love me and never will.

But what i WON'T put up with is her not acting like it. Out of the whole situation that's the only part that offends me.
 

Alceste

Vagabond
I once fell in love with my best friend, she was with an absolute scum bag at the time.

It was after he dumped her (a couple of months) that i told her how i felt and how i knew she didn't feel the same so i was going to take some time away and sought myself out. My hope was that after i got over it we could still be friends. During the conversation she said, and i quote "i don't love you and I never will".

Now, 7-8 years later we are friends again, we aren't as close as we once were but we both agree that some distance is best.

But now she gets jealous and angry at me every time i show any interest in another girl.

This is unacceptable. I can handle being friendzoned by her, i can handle her saying that she doesn't love me and never will.

But what i WON'T put up with is her not acting like it. Out of the whole situation that's the only part that offends me.

She sounds like a bit of a scumbag herself, if you don't mind my saying so. Why is it that the nice guys always prefer crazy women? :run:
 

Erebus

Well-Known Member
Why is it that the nice guys always prefer crazy women? :run:

Odd you mention that. Just the other day a friend of mine asked me the exact same thing... Is this the female version of "girls go for jerks" do you reckon?
 

Alceste

Vagabond
Odd you mention that. Just the other day a friend of mine asked me the exact same thing... Is this the female version of "girls go for jerks" do you reckon?

Kind of, but we ladies have a lot more dignity-preserving excuses for rejection than one in our repertoire. :flirt:
 

The Neo Nerd

Well-Known Member
She sounds like a bit of a scumbag herself, if you don't mind my saying so.

She's a redhead, what can i say. :). She is perhaps the only person in this world that accepts me for who i am. That is a powerful thing.

She doesn't get too angry, but it's noticeable. I brought it up with her a couple of months ago and told her that doesn't have the right to be that way. She didn't agree with me at the time, but she's been quiet about it ever since.

She's the emotional type. The thing is, this type of behaviour is not so uncommon in my experiemce

Why is it that the nice guys always prefer crazy women? :run:

Hahaha you know me so well.
 
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