Non-Theists: What effect do sentiments like "he's in heaven now" have on you?

[whereismynotecard]

What effect do sentiments like "he's in heaven now" have on you? (this includes variations such as "you'll see him again," or "he's in a better place now," and so on.)

For those who do not believe in any sort of afterlife or heaven, when someone you care about has died and someone else tells you they are "in a better place" or "in heaven," how does it make you feel?

Please answer the poll, only if you do not believe in any sort of afterlife, and elaborate below. People who do believe in any sort of afterlife can feel free to comment, but please leave the poll for those who don't believe. The reason I made the poll was to find out how other people who don't believe in heaven and afterlives feel about being consoled with such sentiments.

Personally, it annoys me. I acknowledge that they believe that and that they are trying to make me feel better, but at the same time, they are attempting to alleviate my emotional pain by telling me something that gives me absolutely no hope at all.

To be clear, I know most people who say things like that have no intention of making me feel bad. They believe it's true and are trying to be helpful. I'm not necessarily angry with them for saying it. I'm just annoyed at hearing it so much. Like if you fall down and break your leg and someone says to you, "It's alright. It doesn't hurt so bad," but you're like, "yeah it does..."

Sometimes I feel like these people are unintentionally telling me that the pain I feel isn't warranted and that I'm not entitled to feeling like I lost every single chance of ever seeing or speaking to the deceased person ever again. (Also - according to some, I wouldn't get into heaven anyway, so I still wouldn't ever get to see them again even if heaven does exist...)

I know I couldn't expect no one to ever say anything like this again. And again, I'm not angry with them. But I can't help feeling annoyed at constantly being told that something that is a devastating loss to me isn't really so bad.

I'm just wondering how other like-minded people feel about those sorts of "words of comfort."

 

[Noa]

I will answer this retroactively -- from when I considered myself a cut and dry atheist. At the time, those kind of comments generally had no affect on me. It is mournful small talk. I did not begrudge someone their way of filling awkward, grief-filled moments.

 

[Timothy Bryce]

The only sense I've been able to make of that comment is, potentially:

- that the person lives on and is alive in the memories of those mourning them
- that the person lives and is alive in the butterfly effect of the totality of the things they did during life
- that the person lives on and is alive in the surviving children that they have brought about during their life

All of those seem like a valid basis for an interpretation of the word "afterlife". I also think that being remembered or regarded negatively or positively post-mortem as a possible heaven-hell analogy but it's a stretch and completely removed from what most Christians, Jews, Muslims seem to believe.

Otherwise it's just another attractive euphemism to pacify those who believe in a Semitic heaven.

 

[Terese]

To me heaven isn't permanent, or hell, so when i hear that phrase, i think of the individual who passed away reincarnating. Another chance at life to become one with god. So i chose neutral.

 

[Aupmanyav]

For those who do not believe in any sort of afterlife or heaven, when someone you care about has died and someone else tells you they are "in a better place" or "in heaven," how does it make you feel?

It amuses me but I would not show my amusement. First thing that we sinners with all our actions are not eligible for heaven even if there was one. Then I will look towards the ground, where in some place the person may have been interred. It is only Hindus and like who go to heaven on being cremated on a funeral pier, 'straight up'.

 

[Timothy Bryce]

I suppose you could also interpret the afterlife to mean however the body is disposed of and what effect it has on the environment.

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

What effect do sentiments like "he's in heaven now" have on you? (this include variations such as "you'll see him again," or "he's in a better place now," and so on.)

For those who do not believe in any sort of afterlife or heaven, when someone you care about has died and someone else tells you they are "in a better place" or "in heaven," how does it make you feel?

Please answer the poll, only if you do not believe in any sort of afterlife, and elaborate below. People who do believe in any sort of afterlife can feel free to comment, but please leave the poll for those who don't believe. The reason I made the poll was to find out how other people who don't believe in heaven and afterlives feel about being consoled with such sentiments.

Personally, it annoys me. I acknowledge that they believe that and that they are trying to make me feel better, but at the same time, they are attempting to alleviate my emotional pain by telling me something that gives me absolutely no hope at all.

To be clear, I know most people who say things like that have no intention of making me feel bad. They believe it's true and are trying to be helpful. I'm not necessarily angry with them for saying it. I'm just annoyed at hearing it so much. Like if you fall down and break your leg and someone says to you, "It's alright. It doesn't hurt so bad," but you're like, "yeah it does..."

Sometimes I feel like these people are unintentionally telling me that the pain I feel isn't warranted and that I'm not entitled to feeling like I lost every single chance of ever seeing or speaking to the deceased person ever again. (Also - according to some, I wouldn't get into heaven anyway, so I still wouldn't ever get to see them again even if heaven does exist...)

I know I couldn't expect no one to ever say anything like this again. And again, I'm not angry with them. But I can't help feeling annoyed at constantly being told that something that is a devastating loss to me isn't really so bad.

I'm just wondering how other like-minded people feel about those sorts of "words of comfort."

It depends.

If it's a friend who's trying to comfort me, then it separates me from them. It's a big red flag that this person really doesn't know me.

If it's someone who's grieving too, I usually give it a pass. I usually assume that the person is saying it for themselves and not for me. Plenty of religious people were brought up with that as their only way to cope with death, so they may just be dealing with their grief the only way they know how.

BTW: welcome back, Hannah!

 

[Jumi]

It's neutral. In fact it would be nice if I could be sure of an afterlife, I'd probably be dead now if I believed in such though.

 

[Unveiled Artist]

What effect do sentiments like "he's in heaven now" have on you? (this includes variations such as "you'll see him again," or "he's in a better place now," and so on.)

For those who do not believe in any sort of afterlife or heaven, when someone you care about has died and someone else tells you they are "in a better place" or "in heaven," how does it make you feel?

Please answer the poll, only if you do not believe in any sort of afterlife, and elaborate below. People who do believe in any sort of afterlife can feel free to comment, but please leave the poll for those who don't believe. The reason I made the poll was to find out how other people who don't believe in heaven and afterlives feel about being consoled with such sentiments.

Personally, it annoys me. I acknowledge that they believe that and that they are trying to make me feel better, but at the same time, they are attempting to alleviate my emotional pain by telling me something that gives me absolutely no hope at all.

To be clear, I know most people who say things like that have no intention of making me feel bad. They believe it's true and are trying to be helpful. I'm not necessarily angry with them for saying it. I'm just annoyed at hearing it so much. Like if you fall down and break your leg and someone says to you, "It's alright. It doesn't hurt so bad," but you're like, "yeah it does..."

Sometimes I feel like these people are unintentionally telling me that the pain I feel isn't warranted and that I'm not entitled to feeling like I lost every single chance of ever seeing or speaking to the deceased person ever again. (Also - according to some, I wouldn't get into heaven anyway, so I still wouldn't ever get to see them again even if heaven does exist...)

I know I couldn't expect no one to ever say anything like this again. And again, I'm not angry with them. But I can't help feeling annoyed at constantly being told that something that is a devastating loss to me isn't really so bad.

I'm just wondering how other like-minded people feel about those sorts of "words of comfort."

It annoys me too. I wouldn't say believing in the continue presence of karma is belief in the afterlife, sine we won't be here in body. There isn't a heaven or a hell; it's our state of mind. Even so, it annoys me because they are not saying it in the sentiment in knowing what I believe and saying so regardless of my faith but general expression of theirs. Instead, they already assume I believe in God (usually the Christian. Some are fine with just the Creator as long as I believe in one) and that is when they'd say such sentiments.

It's like only reserving charity, say giving money, to those we feel will not use our charity for alcohol. Rather, charity (or any saying such as in your OP) should be given regardless of what the person uses the money for. It's the giving (or saying) that counts. If one is discriminative on saying what their faith calls them if my faith is different, than it feels they are not "handing me money because I'll use it for unproductive reasons."

It's also annoying because they see my facial expression and immediately ask me if I believe in God as if that were a default and prerequisite for their humility and generosity for my or the person's they want to addess well being.

 

[jonathan180iq]

What effect do sentiments like "he's in heaven now" have on you? (this includes variations such as "you'll see him again," or "he's in a better place now," and so on.)

I recognize humanity's desire to console itself with platitudes - so people saying any variation of what you've suggested doesn't surprise me.
Like when people say things like "God help us!" to convey their fear or whatever, it's just an expression of what they're feeling.

Heck, even I do it sometimes as it's part of my local vernacular. So, it's whatever.

 

[Koldo]

What effect do sentiments like "he's in heaven now" have on you? (this includes variations such as "you'll see him again," or "he's in a better place now," and so on.)

For those who do not believe in any sort of afterlife or heaven, when someone you care about has died and someone else tells you they are "in a better place" or "in heaven," how does it make you feel?

Please answer the poll, only if you do not believe in any sort of afterlife, and elaborate below. People who do believe in any sort of afterlife can feel free to comment, but please leave the poll for those who don't believe. The reason I made the poll was to find out how other people who don't believe in heaven and afterlives feel about being consoled with such sentiments.

Personally, it annoys me. I acknowledge that they believe that and that they are trying to make me feel better, but at the same time, they are attempting to alleviate my emotional pain by telling me something that gives me absolutely no hope at all.

To be clear, I know most people who say things like that have no intention of making me feel bad. They believe it's true and are trying to be helpful. I'm not necessarily angry with them for saying it. I'm just annoyed at hearing it so much. Like if you fall down and break your leg and someone says to you, "It's alright. It doesn't hurt so bad," but you're like, "yeah it does..."

Sometimes I feel like these people are unintentionally telling me that the pain I feel isn't warranted and that I'm not entitled to feeling like I lost every single chance of ever seeing or speaking to the deceased person ever again. (Also - according to some, I wouldn't get into heaven anyway, so I still wouldn't ever get to see them again even if heaven does exist...)

I know I couldn't expect no one to ever say anything like this again. And again, I'm not angry with them. But I can't help feeling annoyed at constantly being told that something that is a devastating loss to me isn't really so bad.

I'm just wondering how other like-minded people feel about those sorts of "words of comfort."

Depends on how I am feeling at the moment.

If I am feeling sad, then it has a negative effect. I am probably going to feel upset about someone regurgitating stuff like this.
If I am not feeling sad, then it no particular effect. I might consider it merely as a sign of ignorance, or as a well-meant sentence.

 

[Koldo]

I usually assume that the person is saying it for themselves and not for me. Plenty of religious people were brought up with that as their only way to cope with death, so they may just be dealing with their grief the only way they know how.

Indeed.

 

[Rick O'Shez]

I'm just wondering how other like-minded people feel about those sorts of "words of comfort."

It depends on the situation and the intention behind the words. Some people would find the words comforting and others wouldn't.

 

[whereismynotecard]

BTW: welcome back, Hannah!

Thanks.

 

[Penumbra]

Neutral.

People often don't know what to say, or just say whatever their religious/cultural views are. So I don't really care.

 

[Twilight Hue]

It wouldn't begrudge me if a person is privy to think that someone is in heaven or happens to be looking down at us having a good laugh or similer. Its a way people deal with what's generally uncomfortable, and tends to meet the need for reassurances of some sort. I can let it go as circumstances dictate. Sometimes it's better that way.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

I voted neutral, since it's the closest of the available responses. In truth I would say it's situational.

If a person says it to me, they're merely expressing their views (or perhaps their hopes) and I take no issue with it, just as I hope they don't take issue with my view being different. It doesn't make me feel good, and indeed I am not sure how it could as someone who doesn't believe in heaven, but that's fine. I'd characterize it as a neutral impact.

So, the exceptions;
1) Someone that knows me really, really well. Say my mum, or my best friends. If they say this in front of me, no problem. If they say it to me, I'd get mildly annoyed, since they know me better. They're basically ignoring my feelings, not HELPING my feelings. Having said that, the likelihood of someone I know really well doing this seems minute. Just as I would never say something at such a time that denigrates their feelings, beliefs or grief process.

2) Someone saying things to my daughters. This one really does annoy me. A throw away line for the speaker, but a confusing message for my daughters. Their first question would be 'What's a heaven?', but in these circumstances it's unlikely to be the time for such a discussion. To be clear, if it was an innocent comment by someone who didn't know me...if it was a Christian service...etc...then it reverts to neutral. But if someone who does know me says it to my girls, I would see red, particularly if they don't hang around to help with the confusion, or if it is presented as fact rather than belief.

 

[freethinker44]

I voted negative. Even if it doesn't bother me, it makes me think less of them a little bit. So either way it's a negative reaction, I guess.

 

[Altfish]

Neutral, it is a common statement that just goes in my 'ignore box'.

It is like when someone says, "I'll pray for you", I could have an argument and say something like, "I'd rather you did something useful" but I usually ignore it or just say, "Thanks"

 

[viole]

What effect do sentiments like "he's in heaven now" have on you? (this includes variations such as "you'll see him again," or "he's in a better place now," and so on.)

For those who do not believe in any sort of afterlife or heaven, when someone you care about has died and someone else tells you they are "in a better place" or "in heaven," how does it make you feel?

Please answer the poll, only if you do not believe in any sort of afterlife, and elaborate below. People who do believe in any sort of afterlife can feel free to comment, but please leave the poll for those who don't believe. The reason I made the poll was to find out how other people who don't believe in heaven and afterlives feel about being consoled with such sentiments.

Personally, it annoys me. I acknowledge that they believe that and that they are trying to make me feel better, but at the same time, they are attempting to alleviate my emotional pain by telling me something that gives me absolutely no hope at all.

To be clear, I know most people who say things like that have no intention of making me feel bad. They believe it's true and are trying to be helpful. I'm not necessarily angry with them for saying it. I'm just annoyed at hearing it so much. Like if you fall down and break your leg and someone says to you, "It's alright. It doesn't hurt so bad," but you're like, "yeah it does..."

Sometimes I feel like these people are unintentionally telling me that the pain I feel isn't warranted and that I'm not entitled to feeling like I lost every single chance of ever seeing or speaking to the deceased person ever again. (Also - according to some, I wouldn't get into heaven anyway, so I still wouldn't ever get to see them again even if heaven does exist...)

I know I couldn't expect no one to ever say anything like this again. And again, I'm not angry with them. But I can't help feeling annoyed at constantly being told that something that is a devastating loss to me isn't really so bad.

I'm just wondering how other like-minded people feel about those sorts of "words of comfort."

It depends. I can easily imagine myself saying that to grieving religious parents who lost a child, for instance.

But if I lose a child and someone (e.g, a priest) tells me that, then I believe I would go on a (metaphorical) rampage.

Ciao

- viole