Polyamory or Monogamy?

[CynthiaCypher]

To me, one of the most interesting things about human sexuality is the variety of mating strategies our species employs. Seems a shame to try to shoehorn all those strategies into one box.

Polyamory and monogamy are not just mating strategies, they are about how people relate to other people.

 

[Sunstone]

Polyamory and monogamy are not just mating strategies, they are about how people relate to other people.

Of course.

 

[CynthiaCypher]

Of course.

Both are about romance. I know I have been critical of polyamory but there is a very romantic component to it.

 

[Drolefille]

Hi Drolefille. You raise some good points. The only thing is that i define behavior to include thoughts, desires, even if not acted on. When you say 'completely' monogamous, I'm a bit skeptical to believe that anyone would be monogamous even down to the level of their thoughts and desires, despite if they act on it or not. I'd want to ask that person if they ever been attracted to another woman or man or to even test if they'd be aroused by hooking them up to electrodes to measure skin conductance. It is no secret that people, especially women tend to give a more stretched 'conservative' estimate up to lying (Bill Clinton, pastors, the common person) about their sexual behavior to avoid shame, consequences, etc.

But monogamy isn't about attraction, someone monogamous doesn't mean they never appreciate another person, it is more about attachment - they're not capable of attaching to more than one person at a time, and not interested in trying. My primary BF is the equivalent of a 0 on the Kinsey scale if one existed for monogamy He has had the opportunity to flirt, have sex, cheat and more throughout his life and freely in his relationship and hasn't done it. I know he hasn't in our relationship because he has permission and he's even tried to see if it would help his jealousy with me being poly and really, he's just plain mono.

I'm fully in favor of rejecting **** shaming and encouraging openness and honesty, but I'm also not going to assume everyone's lying. Not everyone cheats, nor would poly solve all the relationship problems in the world. In fact, I argue that poly is hard and takes more work than the average mono relationship, although I also think the rewards are greater.

 

[AgnosticBoy]

But monogamy isn't about attraction, someone monogamous doesn't mean they never appreciate another person, it is more about attachment - they're not capable of attaching to more than one person at a time, and not interested in trying. My primary BF is the equivalent of a 0 on the Kinsey scale if one existed for monogamy He has had the opportunity to flirt, have sex, cheat and more throughout his life and freely in his relationship and hasn't done it. I know he hasn't in our relationship because he has permission and he's even tried to see if it would help his jealousy with me being poly and really, he's just plain mono.

I'm fully in favor of rejecting **** shaming and encouraging openness and honesty, but I'm also not going to assume everyone's lying. Not everyone cheats, nor would poly solve all the relationship problems in the world. In fact, I argue that poly is hard and takes more work than the average mono relationship, although I also think the rewards are greater.

Your boyfriend is a rare case in my opinion. I can't speak for all to say that we are naturally monogamous or poly but I do have a hard time believing that people are as monogamous as they claim they are.

I also agree with you that monogamy involves more than just seeing someone as being pretty or attractive but it can involve just sex. I was referring to someone who actually wants someone other then their partner for sex or more but doesn't act on it 'physically'. Technically that wouldn't count as nonmonogamy since the definition for monogamy involves physical acts but i wouldnt say it is completely compatible with monogamy either. That can indicate these types don't cheat because they don't want their partner to do the same, the consequences, suppression, cultural/religious influence, etc.

 

[AgnosticBoy]

One experience I can bring up as a guy is that most of my friends from college are against poly. When I ask them why they usually respond with poly is really promiscuity, it will lead to the woman wanting multiple partners, etc. Interesting how some of these guys, some in relationships, don't think about that when they are getting different girls numbers to meet up. It seems they want to identify as monogamous rather than poly despite their behavior. Either they misunderstand poly or are they not understanding all that monogamy requires? Does poly have such a strong stigma that people will deny their own behavior just to avoid the label? Such hypocrisy found in reasons for denying poly is among some of the reasons why I suspect some aren't as monogamous as they say they are.

 

[Drolefille]

Your boyfriend is a rare case in my opinion. I can't speak for all to say that we are naturally monogamous or poly but I do have a hard time believing that people are as monogamous as they claim they are.

I also agree with you that monogamy involves more than just seeing someone as being pretty or attractive but it can involve just sex. I was referring to someone who actually wants someone other then their partner for sex or more but doesn't act on it 'physically'. Technically that wouldn't count as nonmonogamy since the definition for monogamy involves physical acts but i wouldnt say it is completely compatible with monogamy either. That can indicate these types don't cheat because they don't want their partner to do the same, the consequences, suppression, cultural/religious influence, etc.

He is possibly rare, or not. Just as I'm possibly rare by being a poly woman who doesn't feel jealousy. It's a spectrum and people probably cluster in different portions of it. But just my anecdotal evidence suggests that humans come in all varieties of 'gamies.

There are also plenty of people who don't consier mono/poly an orientation so much as a relationship style - they could do either, but choose one or the other, and it isn't part of their identity. It isn't something that's been shown to be "natural" vs. "nurture" as it were.

 

[AgnosticBoy]

He is possibly rare, or not. Just as I'm possibly rare by being a poly woman who doesn't feel jealousy. It's a spectrum and people probably cluster in different portions of it. But just my anecdotal evidence suggests that humans come in all varieties of 'gamies.

There are also plenty of people who don't consier mono/poly an orientation so much as a relationship style - they could do either, but choose one or the other, and it isn't part of their identity. It isn't something that's been shown to be "natural" vs. "nurture" as it were.

I think the dichotomy should've been monogamy vs. Non-monogamy since non monogamy can occur outside of relationships like when single men and women have multiple sex partners. In that aspect when we are single I'm more confident that we are more inclined to have fun and behave nonmonogamously.

 

[Drolefille]

I think the dichotomy should've been monogamy vs. Non-monogamy since non monogamy can occur outside of relationships like when single men and women have multiple sex partners. In that aspect when we are single I'm more confident that we are more inclined to have fun and behave nonmonogamously.

Nah, I am pretty "mono" when single if that makes any sense. I don't bounce around, I tend to commit rather seriously.

It isn't a dichotomy it's a spectrum though. Everyone's different. And I could go with the argument that it isn't even about how we "naturally" are, but is just a preferred relationship style.

 

[AgnosticBoy]

Nah, I am pretty "mono" when single if that makes any sense. I don't bounce around, I tend to commit rather seriously.

It isn't a dichotomy it's a spectrum though. Everyone's different. And I could go with the argument that it isn't even about how we "naturally" are, but is just a preferred relationship style.

Ideally, I wish it was as easy for me as it seems for you and your partner. I feel and see things differently after I shed some of the culturally biased baggage. I see that I maintain love in a monogamous relationship because I choose to, it's not 'always' because I want to. This is why before I get too much into a discussion about if we're naturally monogamous or non-monogamous, I'd want to know what are a person's standards or definition of monogamy, and I'd preferably would like to see it in ACTIONs (or maybe a lie detector test? - or going on the Maury show), if possible. Then I'd want to know about their mental activity because people can suppress or not act on their desires/fantasies - just like a homosexual in a hetero marriage. And you can add to that the lies and perhaps even self-deceit that people can engage in when it comes to the issue of fidelity and related issues when they are put on the spot.